nicam

Hi, everyone! I haven't been here in a while, but used to post back when I was trying to make things work with AXBF. More than a year later and I am left financially, emotionally, psychologically, and physically bankrupt, and in the midst of a breakdown.

Last night, while driving, my XABF was dishing out some verbal abuse and I lost it. I jerked the wheel and hit the brakes until we spun out 3x across 5 lanes of traffic, over a sidewalk and some shrubby, and flipped over 2x before landing upside down. We should have been dead, the car was flattened and 100% totaled! Every cop and medic that showed up marveled at the miracle of our survival. We lied and said I swirved to avoid something in the road... BUT I DIDN'T. I let him provoke me to the point of nearly killing the both of us.

XABF now has someone to blame for everything that is wrong in his life, and thinks simply staying away from people like me will fix his shattered, sad life. He is the king of gaslighting and very manipulative, and I'm actually starting to think it IS me (I mean who jerks the wheel of a car while doing 40mph like that?)... I'm also starting to internalize all of the verbal abuse.

XABF and I did so well together for a while when he was sober. It was never ideal, but he was a good man then. He started drinking as soon as he got out of sober living (his DOC was painkillers, so somehow drinking was OK), and almost all of the old behaviors came back, but worse because alcohol makes him MEAN and abusive.

His life is a MESS, and I am to blame for everything. I am the villain, even after all of his alcoholic/rageaholic abuse and cruelty!

This is why we do them more harm than good Are we insane here or what?

TakingCharge999

Hi nicam

I also got an alkie ex bf, THAT is a very sad dance and recovering from emotional abuse is something I still struggle with.

I am glad you are healthy and OK. I also get how stressed/self destructive you can be and being behind the wheel feeling like that is a recipe for disaster, I also had a car accident last year due to accumulated stress, lack of sleep and failure feelings.

I hope this is a wake up call for you as you could have harmed 3rd parties. In my case I crashed in an area where many kids play and I could have killed a kid. This was my bottom and now I went No Contact with ex alkie, or another ex that troubled me, or my dad that is a source of stress, I no longer drive if I am tired, got to therapy... well.. started making some changes to guarantee I don't go there again...

Please get help for yourself. Others will continue doing as they please, we can't control anyone much less cure anyone. But we CAN cure ourselves. I have been thinking about how much of my life has been spent feeling low, sad, unmotivated and I got to the point where I am willing to try different things, life can be different... it all started (for me) with the feeling that I deserve good things. And that regardless if others can't, or won't change, I CAN CHANGE... I got it in me, honesty.. .humility.. willpower.

I also know Alanon has helped many here so you might want to check them out.
Hugs

Impurrfect

((((Nicam))) - wow, I'm so glad you're okay. Yes, dealing with an A will make us do really crazy stuff. I hope this is your bottom with him.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

bruingirl

Nicam,

First off I'm glad to hear that you are okay!

You are saying that you feel like you are "the crazy one that spun us off the road" but just like you said you are starting to internalize the constant abuse and that is not healthy for you. You cannot blame yourself for being upset and reaching a breaking point like that when he was just pushing you over and over again. I know how that feels and I know that sheer anger and hatred spewing from someone you have done SO much for has a way of just taking you to the next level when you least expect it.

I really hope though, like it was said before, that this may be your rock bottom. It is time to move on from this jerk and worry about yourself because you need and owe yourself more than this. Especially if his words are starting to have an extra sting it really is time to focus on YOU. Whether that means picking up a hobby or deciding to talk to a therapist to sort this all out or al-anon or SR; whatever works best to help you.

barb dwyer

wow.

so ... now what?

theuncertainty

I'm so glad you're OK, Nicam. Yes, sometimes I feel like I'm the crazy one. Having said that, I'd agree with Bruingirl about the internalizing the abuse and taking on guilt.

This:

doesn't need to be your focus anymore. You can be your focus and how the relationship isn't good for you - not how it's not good for him. DV services offer more support than just refuge/shelter. They can help locate counseling, they host support groups and classes. The call I made to the local DV shelter was one of the hardest calls I've made, but so worth it.

Big hugs, Nicam. Wishing you strength and peace, and the knowledge that you deserve peace and are so much stronger than you know.

sandrawg

Damn scary, what happened to you I'm sure, and I'm glad you're okay.

Can I ask..if he's your EX abf, why were you driving with him? Why have any contact w/him at all?

You see, he's not the only one who's sick. You are sick, too. Being with them makes us sick, if we weren't already codependent. Cuz honestly, who STAYS in relationships like this? you gotta be sick to stay. I know I wasn't healthy when I jumped into my rel'ship with my ex. Not in the least. And the rel'ship kept me sick.

Time to look at your own part in all of this and do the work for your own recovery. I don't know if you're insane; I know I did some insane things with my ex. I do know that only a higher power can restore us to sanity.

The only thing that helps me is no contact with my ex. I have no reason to tlak to him. He's still drinking. He's still hanging out with alcoholics and losers and potheads. What could I ever get from him? Just pain and frustration, as usual.

Fandy

I won't comment on your specifics, but wanted you to know that I completely sympathize....My most recent X had an addiction to gambling/racetrack...I tried everything and more to make the relationship work, beat my head against the brick wall.

Finally, I realized I gave the relationship everything I could to help it...but self-preservation comes FIRST....don't wait any longer. I am so glad that I saw myself through the madness and decided to stop the crazy merry go round....My sanity is restored along with sobriety.

I had to find my own way and so will you....I am glad you are not hurt.

nicam

Good question, what was I doing with him? We were going to give it another shot, but he is drinking himself into oblivion every single night, and the first time I made one mistake, or did something he didn't like that had nothing to do with him and everything to do with my survival as I was supporting the both of us, I became a punching bag and the abuse started and continued on for weeks until last night's grand finale.

I am sick, if I wasn't I would have walked away from him a year ago.

I've been an outlet for all of this person's anger and life's problems, like a scapegoat. As long as I am the problem in his life he won't have to look at the real issue: Alcohol.

I think that's the worst part though, is being blamed for everything. He's convinced everyone he knows that I am crazy and toxic for him. Sad, because I've given SO much and NONE of it has been recognized.

We're used and abused, lied to, manipulated, conned, etc., constantly by these addicts and as if that wasn't traumatic enough we have to shoulder all of the blame and fault so they can continue drinking and avoiding their own issues.

Thanks for all the support, I need recovery! It's time to heal from all of this and put the pieces of me that he didn't destroy back together. Sad, I feel like there will always be pieces missing...

dollydo

I am glad you are ok.

It could very well be that you are toxic to each other. Might be time to go no contact and move on with your life, B4 someone actually does get killed.

Jemma

OMG! am so glad you are OK.
Please look after YOURSELF.
X

wanttobehealthy

It is very difficult, I know, to have an A convince others that we are the ones who are horrid, when, as you say, you tried to help, put up with his abuse etc... But for as long as you remain in contact with him you will be his target.

I am really glad you are okay. That accident sounds horrible and you are lucky to be alive.

Unless there is a reason you must be in contact with him (kids?) I'd go NC (take it day by day if the thought of doing it forever is overwhelming right now) and give yourself a break from him.

dbh

This post sent a chill down my spine. It is scary. Just as scary as reading about alcoholics who drive drunk.

I'm grateful that both you and your ex were not hurt. I'm also grateful that you didn't kill someone else! I just can't help but think about all the innocent mothers, fathers, children, and grandparents who could have been unfortunately driving by you that night.

I'm an ACA and I haven't lived with an alcoholic in quite sometime. I hit my ACA "bottom" when I noticed how my behavior was affecting those that I love.

I spent so much of my life blaming my alcoholic father for most of my problems. If he was a better father, I would have turned out differently and my life would be better. Even with him out of the picture, my mother, sister, brother, and I were able to keep the dysfunction going. Can't tell you how many times a member of my family would "trigger" me and make me depressed for days/weeks at a time.

So my bottom was when I noticed how I was affecting my children. I have no idea who was making me feel crazy at the time. It could have been my family of origin, a co-worker, the latest drama at church, ... there were literally tons of things that would trigger me. I remember storming off to my room and then seeing a look of fear/concern in my children's eyes. They were probably around 5 and 8 at the time. That's when I knew that I needed help.

Thanks to the 12-steps, I now truly believe that I didn't cause my father to drink and that there was nothing that I could have done to cure or control what he did.

Similarly, I have learned that others can't make me feel or do things. Somewhere along the way I started to take responsibility and be accountable for my actions. To use a phrase from the ACA literature, I am becoming an actor rather than a reactor. It is helping me find serenity in my life.

ACA, Al-Anon, and therapy is helping me along this path.

Thank you for sharing your story and for letting me share.

db

SoloMio

I don't know what it is about being confined with an A in a car, but I have had those moments, too, that were truly dangerous--either he is ticked off at something ridiculous and tries to open the door and get out--while I'm driving; or he ticks me off and we both just explode.

I think the car really is a pressure cooker when you're in it with someone who as been drinking, and very dangerous. Better to avoid it at all costs.

Fandy

Nicam;

rember that the biggest lies are the ones that he is telling to himself...but HE has to live with that, not you. when you are not there to blame, he will shift to something or someone else, he won't take responsibility for his actions or he will.

a wise person on these boards once stated "it's not my business what others think of me" sorry i can't remember who it was, but food for thought.

ErinGoBragh

I have been in the same position myself. It took me months to really get it to sink in that what other people think of me is none of my business. If your ex wants to spend his energy telling everyone he knows you're toxic and crazy, that's his business. Actually, "everyone he knows" probably is a large group of addicts he hangs with. They'll go along with what one of their fellow addicts says, no matter what.

You don't have to shoulder all the blame any longer. Please find a good therapist who can help you. Have you given Al-Anon a try? Lots of good people in those meetings who know where you're coming from and can offer you the support you need.

Your exABF will continue to avoid his issues, but they are his issues. Now is the time for you to focus on your own issues.

Thank God neither of you were injured in the accident. Please keep posting to let everyone here know how you're doing.

StarCat

I absolutely agree with this!
XABF always used the car to heap on some of his worst verbal/emotional abuse.

I remember at one point breaking down, and telling him that I was afraid of his car. I was actually afraid of being in his car with him, but I couldn't tell him that, so I put all my emotions on the car - since if we weren't in his car, I had a chance to escape (not to mention I wouldn't be in it when he was driving drunk).

japabp2000

Wow, thank God you and your xabf are ok and thank God nobody at all was hurt/killed. I have lashed out at RAH many times when he was actively drinking while I was driving and it is so very dangerous to do so. Please get to an Alanon meeting and go no contact with him for your own health and sanity.

Fandy

I went back and read your original starting post...

here is a different spin on the situation...

shouldn't HE be the one to feel some guilt and REMORSE for contributing to this accident? If he had kept his yappy mouth shut, you would not have jerked the wheel and had a serious accident.

Now you are left with the aftermath of insurance deductible, no transportation, possible increase in rates and having to buy a new car....what does he get??? besides a chance to spew more verbal diarrhea....? with friends like that who needs enemies?

barb dwyer

That's tough to live with.
BUt it's illusion
and you know that.

I know how it eats at you
knowing that you're being lied about
and everyone is buying into it.

But you said yourself that you know the truth.

FOR RIGHT NOW -
that's going to have to be enough.

You don't need an army along with you to do the next right thing.
This is huge:
that's a giant step.

and this:

That's what recovery is.
Putting that back together.

Sometimes what's repaired is stronger than ever in places
and other places...

they're like footprints in mud.

There may be an empty hole for a while but...
They fill in.

So are you going to do the group thing like AlAnon
or therapy or what's the route now?