notmylife

My boyfriend is an alcoholic and recovering heroin addict. Before I met him he was clean for almost 2 years. Then he started drinking. He had been drinking again for about 2 months when I first met him. Had I known anything about alcoholism before I started dating him, I would have ran the opposite direction. He seems to think since he can go a couple of days without drinking that he doesnt have a problem. It wouldnt do any good at all to remind him of the time that after I left the house for an hour and came home he had downed two HANDLES of whiskey by himself. He blames his shaking hands on lack of coffee in the morning. The fact that he has pissed in my bed more times than I can count, or that hes said inappropriate things to my teenage niece or gone missing for 4 days and missed work/got fired and had a missing persons report filed. He cant get in the car without a beer. NONE of my friends will hang out with me if hes around. His mom pretty much told me to run for the hills. When he is drinking he will call me 20 times in a row if I dont answer but most of the time he disappears. I dont know who he is hanging out with. A mutual friend tells me that she thinks he does a lot of things I dont know about. I used to worry about him when he wouldnt answer. Its sad to know that making plans is pointless. And if I call him twice and he doesnt answer Im not going to see or hear from him for atleast a day. He says that I call too much (calling twice when we had plans and youre 3 hours late is not calling too much) and that makes him NOT want to call back. Nevermind the fact that he already stood me up and ignored my first call. Hes almost 30 years old. He lives with his mother and hes currently unemployed. When I met him he was going to an ivy league school. Hes the most intelligent person I have ever known. He has more books than a small college. His mother enables him. She and him went out of town this past weekend, a 5 hour drive home. And by the time I talked to him he sounded like he was extremely intoxicated. He said something rude and hung up on me. Then today he sends me a text saying he misses me. What the F***??? You ignored me the whole time you were gone but now that youre home and not as drunk you miss me????? My brain tells me that I should leave him but my heart is telling me that hes my soulmate. We have so many plans for the future but, i just dont see how thats going to happen. I guess Im just looking for some words of wisdom and I dont really have a question...

sandrawg

Yeah, the stuff you say he does is nuts. Do you want more of this insanity? In fact, do you want it to get worse?? Then stick around.

I wasted 3.5 yrs w my exabf and have PTSD and depression as a result.

I suggest al-anon. Al-anon meetings have been a lifesaver for me.

Jadmack25

No my dear, this immature, selfish male person (I can't use man), is not anyone's soulmate.....unless it is the bottle.

A soulmate is someone to be trusted implicitly, someone who loves you and treats you as you deserve, who shares ideals, dreams and pleasures with you......NOT someone who ignores your calls, disappears for his own fun with unknown pals, drinks like a fish and generally is a deadbeat.

Your friends and his own mom are spot on ...... run now, and keep on running.

barb dwyer

This is not a soulmate.

This is just ... familiar.

I hate to say this this way but
you are far too young to be focusing your life
around someone who will never ever be what you want.

You have time and talent to go FIND who you want.
Or even better -
work on yourself and become who YOU want to be.

This is what we in recovery call a "waste of time".

lol

Take the time and discover within yourself what love *is*.

It's not this.

dollydo

I would listen to your mom and friends, they are seeing clearly, you are not. He is, what he is, a lazy, inconsiderant drunk. That's it.

This guy is not someone you can build a life with, I agree with the others. Let him go, move forward with your life.

notmylife

I know to call him my soulmate sounds ridiculous. I wasnt a big drinker before I met him. But now He has made me hate alcohol. I have a full time job and Im in grad school. But, when he is good...he's so good. We do share the same dreams and have plans to get a sailboat and move back to puerto rico. We talk about that often. He is very intelligent, we have great conversations about life. Deep conversations that I havent been able to have with anyone else. Im not someone that is living in a box either. I have travelled, Ive met people from all walks of life...Ive lived. I just feel like it is so sad to see this incredible person turn into a monster and waste his gifts. When hes drinking hes a completely different person. But, I have separated myself from him and his problems a lot recently. I havent been to his house in almost a month. I've barely spent any time with him at all.

Also, I dont really understand the comment about getting a houseplant or a puppy. Honestly I take offense to that so, if it wasnt meant as an insult then please explain that one to me. I figured I could post here without being made to feel as incompetent as my alcoholic boyfriend.

wanttobehealthy

Your friends and family are right about him and the fact that you're posting here and upset tells me you know they are right too probably, yes?

Think about this: right now he's your bf. Will it get any easier the longer you stay together, what about when you start to accumulate jointly owned things, or marry or have kids? I thought for years things would improve and my AH would decide he wanted to get better. All that's happened is we've both gotten sicker and I've thrown away many many years that I could have been happy, being co-dependent and abused.

You deserve better.

catlovermi

Lots of words of wisdom here:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tionships.html

forgotten1

hello notmylife, you are living ME 4 years ago.

xAbf was 29 when i met him, living at home w his crazy mom, ivy league grad, top of the corporate ladder friends... he and i were "different" from everyone else because he and i studied philosophy... we connected on a very deep level... we wanted more than just the top of the corporate ladder... we dreamt of living in a tiny cottage with lots of kids... we also dreamt of owning a sailboat some day... we both separately backpacked thru europe before we met... one of our first "dates" was an overnight flight to LA for a night to meet his friends.. vacationed in puerto rico too... we had an "unmarried" honeymoon in prague when we first fell in love... etc.

those intelligent conversations you're talking about? yeah... that's what kept me glued FOR YEARS. unfortunately, they only exist in the beginning. believe me, if you stick around long enough--no matter how "smart" they are you'll realize they're talking in circles because their depth will never transform into action. your dreams of owning a sailboat and moving back to puerto rico? NEVER going to happen. believe me. i found us a sailboat to buy... i found us sailing lessons to take... i found us the perfect city to move to... it's NEVER going to happen with an alcoholic because they spend their times fantasizing. this is what you get wrong--where you think you are setting goals to BUILD a life together, he is FANTASIZING... none of that are things that he realistically BELIEVES will happen.

growing up you realize there IS A HUGE difference between dreams and goals--you deserve a life where your dreams are actualized. you DO only have one life.

with all of this said, leaving is going to be difficult... and convincing yourself he isn't your soulmate will probably be impossible. don't dwell on if he's your soulmate or not.. if you believe in it, then you should also believe that it shouldn't be so d@mn hard to keep you two together. you shouldn't ever have to convince ANYONE of your worth/value, especially not a "soulmate" (if that's what you believe in). remember that. and if you haven't yet, you will... you will play a game where you feel like you're having to convince this guy you're more important than ALCOHOL (wtf? isn't that no brainer?!)

i've been about 4.5 months since no contact w my xAbf--and meeting guys IS VERY difficult with the type of GOOD experiences i had w the ex (the traveling, the philosophy, the deep conversations, the inside jokes, the dreams of the matching future, etc)... but i keep telling myself that whoever i end up with (ex or not ex) i want the life ive dreamt of so whoever i share that with better TRULY be as committed to life as i am.

and i think it's obvious, for people that are non-recovering addicts... a "commitment to life" is the furthest thing from what they are capable of--life doesnt need to be lived/experienced in a clouded state to be appreciated.

good luck and keep posting.

forgotten1

wanted to add:

I just feel like it is so sad to see this incredible person turn into a monster and waste his gifts. When hes drinking hes a completely different person.

that's a sentiment EVERYONE on here feels. you are a compassionate person that is capable of caring for someone. unfortunately, you (we) just care for an alcoholic--and that care and compassion is wasted, no matter how much of it you give. this can happen to ANYONE.

also, be careful--the ones with "intelligence" make their quacking even more believable.

barb dwyer

Sweetie -

If you take the person you're describing to Puerto Rico
You're going to intimately become familiar with
the prison and justice system
in an alien country.

How is someone who can't hold a job at thirty
going to buy a sailboat?

Is he 'flying lazy circles' waiting for one of his parents to die
so he can INHERIT the money?

That's why they call them dreams, hon.

I was your age once.
I understand that it looks like
there's no *way* someone like me
could possibly understand what
you're feeling and trying to say.

Nobody understood me either.

But I hope you'll read that sentence
and someday understand
there's not a single person on this forum
that hasn't lived what you are describing.

And spent half their lives
in misery
waiting for the 'good guy'
to win out.

He never did.

We're just trying to show you that what you are describing
is the rest of your young life
every day, week, month year....

and it's not going to change.


We're just trying to help you avoid
turning into us.
WHen we first got here.

That's all.

MsCooterBrown

I am not going to bore you with the war stories..we all have had them. I spent 25 yrs in and out of this type of relationship. Lived together..married ..divorced..back together..apart..back together..his drinking was escalating. I have always been a drinker but I upped the ante just to be able to stand his @ss at times. Long story short..it was WASTED time. I am finally out of it..will not return to that lifestyle or invite anyone into my life that is even remotely leaning towards alcholic. I am beginning my 8th month of sobriety. I am calm again. I think living with an alcoholic is actually living alone. They are checked out in their haze..dramatizing each life problem as if stuff only happens to them. AND somehow..things get twisted around to where in their eyes..it is YOUR fault. I don't want to see you spend 25 yrs of pure wtf was all that time invested for. It is a lose lose situation. All the best to you!!!

passionfruit

Many addicts view the "one,'' the wife, girlfriend, the person they view as "theirs" as an anchor that keeps them from drifting too far off.

That is why they come back again and again AS LONG AS YOU LET THEM.



They will go have fun with the world and always come home to you eventually.

Why?

1. Because they need a place to go.

2. You are a sort of security to them.

3. They are people who want a "relationship" too. They are simply unable to sustain a real one because of their addiction.

4. I believe they know this to be true, if only on an unconscious level, so they will hang on for dear life to those they have chosen.

When I left my husband, I told him:

"You will NEVER have a real relationship that will last. You will die alone."

He always had some argument to put me in my place before that. This was the only time he couldn't even make up a bs argument. All he could say was "You are mean."


Because it is true..



I realized that had my daughter not came to live with my AH and I, and had he not hit on her sexually, I would have probably stayed with him much longer than I did.

That says two things about me:

1. I will never let anyone hurt my children in anyway. (Good)

2. I valued my daughter, but I did not value myself. (Bad)

So why do I have so little regard for myself that I let a man treat me this way?

He said inappropriate things to your niece, not to mention he treats you like sh*t.

Why do you value yourself so little, you let him treat you this way?

If he made advances on your niece would you tolerate it?

My guess is no.

You would protect her.

So, my friend, why don't you protect yourself the way you would her?

You need to love you the way you love her.

He doesn't sound that great to me.

If your friend were in your situation, what would you say to her?

Step outside your box and take a long hard look in.

Sometimes you can see more clearly when you open the curtains and let the light in.

But first, you gotta open the curtains.

And since you are there, open the window, and let some clean, fresh air into that dark room you have locked yourself into. You'll be amazed how much better you will feel when you let the stale air out of the room.

blueblooms14

Very true.

This is long. I came out my two-week lurk to reply to you because I just got a midnight text from XBF that said, “I miss you.” Then I saw your username, and frankly, I think you nailed the essence of what I’ve lived: I have been living “not-my-life” on and off for 30 years, so much so it did become my life. (Until now, I hope! :-)

This is just my experience, maybe (or maybe not) an indicator of how this could go....

I've had three relationships with “spectacular” guys to great detriment to my own life. 30 years of doing this. This is what I’ve concluded: there are no spectacular, over-the-top fabulous people who are stable and livable for me. I subjugate myself to them. Spectacular / Fabulous (so to speak) people leave no room for others to be themselves. My life became secondary and at times almost nonexistent in the aura and glory of these men. I became a minor satellite to the blazing sun. (That in itself is layers and layers…)

In the course of the seduction that occurs inside my own head, I trained myself to ignore hard data, internally whitewashed the evidence of the harsh, cruel, painful reality and instead overshadowed thost facts by focusing on the depth of the connection, how much I felt, the wonderfulness, the brilliance and expansive thinking and conversation.

Note this: "that I felt." I know only that I felt incredible passion and connection, and was very attached to thinking that this was “it”, “the one.” I thereby began to feed the beast. But I HAD TO ignore the real hard data, because the data proved that these were harsh, selfish, often volatile and always emotionally unreliable people. It proved that I was hurt and disrepected often.

But, if anyone ever said that me about the guy I was with, a visceral need to protect him arose. (After all, it was a pas de deux! I was emotionally invested in my internal construct.) And if I ever tried to talk with him about the data, so we could make this relationship actually livable for me, he was ANGRY! Hoo-boy! I was berated or rejected for betraying “us”, sabotaging the relationship. (Which I was, because the relationship required denial.)

What is working for me now is to log objective data. I have had to get basic and simple for my own sanity and learn. (Monday: XBF called me a #$@^#&*; Wednesday: yelled at me for not making coffee; Saturday: loving, affectionate and I felt amazing; Sunday: so sweet and interesting; Tuesday: made me gorgeous earrings; Wednesday: screamed and slammed cabinets for not answering his calls during my meeting at work; Friday: brought me my favorite lunch; Saturday: furious at how much I talk to my client them kissed me and apologized; and so on…)

I have to log just data, not my feelings or wishes or analysis.

Then I review the real data when I get that (dangerous) pining feeling. I logged for a month, three months, a year. If I quit doing it for a while, I later log why- that was revealing. I keep and review emails. Another way to get data is to record conversations with him so that I can listen later and remind myself. (That has been extremely powerful.)

I have to do this because I have been attracted to "amazing" men and relationships for 30 years. It has to stop. It has been a rabbit hole I fell down, over and over. I'm still not sure if they seduced me or I seduced me. But I know which side I have control over. If I ever question logging data, I have to ask myself why, because THAT has been my problem: Am I fearing reality? (Usually, yes.)

Another thing I am now learning to ask myself is, “Is there room in this relationship for ME to do and be all that I want to do and be?” and I look at the reality and data, not the lip service. So far, there has never been enough room for me in a relationship with someone like that, except as an emotional satellite. For years I never considered asking myself, "Am I worthy of the same level of effort and care from myself?" Each of the men would and did say, "yes." But the data never supported that.

Babyblue

My RABF went to a top college, comes from a 'good family' and that didn't stop his life from spiraling out of control for a few years. We are talking park benches life he sunk into.

His potential has nothing to do with where he is at NOW in life.

You gotta let go of that dream, the fantasy that keeps you from seeing the reality, his reality.

Especially when yours can be so so much richer and healthier while his is stuck.

Yeah I feel like my guy is my soulmate. So either I doom my soul to a life of uncertainty or keep it safe until he gets his sh*t together.

And if it doesn't work out due to his 'issues', he misses the chance to have something great. Not vice versa.

Linkmeister

My EX still tells me he misses me.

What he really misses are the meals, the bed to sleep in, the 40IN TV, the sex.....that's what he misses.

What am I missing now that he is gone? Chaos, uncertainty, relapses, the stink of alcohol, the nasty words, the meaningless apologies afterward.

What I do have and am most gratefulis is a degree of sanity and serenity I didn't have two months ago. I have Al-Anon, friends, family, school, a nice house, a dog, I have a semblance of a life that I am slowly starting to rebuild.