theuncertainty

Warning: Long and rambly. Most likely OT.

I keep expecting XAH and his GF to be reasonable people. I feel like I bury my head in the sand expecting, not the best, but at least some reasonable and rational behavior.

My brother is up for a visit, we wanted to go camping as an extended family. Of course, my sister, brother-in-law and myself can all only coordinate for next weekend, which is XAH's weekend. (Who am I sh-tting - they're all his weekends.) I sent an e-mail to XAH and GF stating that Bro is here for a rare visit, and asked if we could swap weekends and offered several scenarios: a long weekend for them the following weekend, a mid-week visit, or where they could take DS this Friday evening for a long weekend this weekend (basically offered to give up taking DS camping at all).

What I get back is not a "No" or "Could we do this instead" but a tirade of verbal diarhea about child support with a "No, follow the court order. GF and I will pick up DS on Saturday" stuck on at the end of it. Which is ironic, since the child support he's b-tching about is court ordered too....

Then, I check my bank account and there is a HUGE CS payment (through the State) posted to my account the same day as his cr-p email - after 3 weeks of nothing. So that explains the verbal diarhea, but I can't help but wonder where the h-ll he's getting the money. But I'm getting OT here.

I know, I know, I know I shouldn't expect anything different from him. I shouldn't have asked - or at least shouldn't have expected any kind of decent response from him... I shouldn't have offered any scenarios. Why would they have said yes when I didn't rearrange my life for her kids' birthday party.

Why do I continuously expect him to be a decent guy? Against all evidence to the contrary? Why do I keep thinking that he'll start behaving like a decent X? Is there such a thing as a 'normal' ex-husband/ex-wife relationship? Will we ever get to a 'normal' state? or is it always going to be filled with eggshells, panic and confusion on my side and verbal diarhea and manipulation and entitlement on his?

For those who have gone through this, how do you get through what is looking like a R E A L L Y long tortured process? Is there ever a time where co-parenting with an abusive alcoholic gets... easier? I know it's technically only 5 months since the divorce decree, but it's been 3 years since I walked out.

For that matter... I was in a class yesterday and one of the instructors was imminently crush-worthy: great sense of humor, good looking, rode up on a motorcycle with all the appropriate gear (helmet, decent coat, bike in good shape), seems friendly and kind, told stories of his adventures hiking, also teaches a remote survival first aid type class. We spoke briefly during a break. I was crushing a bit and I felt great about myself, my hair, outfit, etc. And then the thought hit: he seems like who I thought XAH was. Instant change in my thoughts: "He couldn't possibly be interested, he was just being a good instructor and friendly." "Why would he even want to talk to a recent divorcee with a young child?" "Why would he even to talk with me?" "I'm old." "I'm overweight." "I'm a disaster wreck from dealing with XAH - who want's to talk to that?" "I can't date, XAH would be PO'd and who knows what he'd do. I can't ask a guy to walk into that." Like Mr. Instructor Guy even did more than talk with me a little, right? blah, blah, blah.

How do I get all of that cr-p out of my head? I'm really tired of being me right now.

barb dwyer

awwwww.

most of that is just being normal.

too bad about the camping thing
but well - that's how stuff goes sometimes.

you got the $$$ so that's where the focus is.

the thing takes time, hon.

all of it.

Alone22

Ughhh it just doesn't end does it? Be kind to yourself.

Florence

Hey, work it, girl! You're a swinging single now! The world is yours.

banisheggshells

I am not too far ahead of you in the divorce/custody in terms of time, but I will try to respond. It gets different. Not easier, per se, but different.

Different in that your expectations change. You get better at your boundaries. You get better at working on you, which makes it easier to respond to the addicts emails/texts.

My therapist gave me the best advice: she said when dealing with an adult addict, expect every six months there will be drama. Now, you can go into this co-parenting fighting this drama or you can look at it and say "oh, there it is again" and base your response on it. Just like clockwork, it will show up.

The therapist has been right and this has helped me see it for what it is.

I've gotten better at it. I used to be infuriated for days over something like this. Now, its about 3-6 hours. I would imagine in another year, I can break that down to 30 minutes (if I keep working on me LOL!)

Child support complaints: (If my AXH reads this, I'm screwed, but...here's what I did and it worked wonders). Use the Addict Ego against him. I told him that of all the things I've been surprised by in this entire process (the lying, stealing, cheating, etc), the thing that I never thought he'd be, was a man who complained about supporting his children. A man who acted like his children didn't deserve the food on the table, who didn't deserve to live in a decent place, who didn't deserve new clothes when their friends got clothes or tennis shoes when they grew out of theirs...I had always seen him as a man PROUD to support his kids. Of all of it, this not wanting to support his children is the part that surprised me.

He was so shocked when I said that he didn't speak. (First for us LOL!). I then told him that its frankly embarrassing that he does this complaining, and that people who know both of us have told me so (not true. I lied. But what's a lie to an addict during a divorce?). A man should be proud to support his kids, not whiny and sniveling.

So there you go. It worked for me. It fed into his ego. I haven't heard one single thing about child support since.

Its best in person and its really best in a therapists office (the therapist will see right thru you, but hey, said therapist didn't call me out on it 'cause its best interest of the kid y'know?). I was a kid who's dad bitched bloody murder about paying child support and it made me feel worthless. I won't let the Addict do that to our kids. I just won't, even if I have to lie to get him to see it.

BuffaloGal

Honest, straightforward people expect other people to behave honestly and straightforwardly... and addicts are neither.

It can take a long time to understand where it counts that your aexh is not going to treat you as you (reasonably) would like... or grasp the concept of, "give a little, get a little" in coparenting any time soon.

My parents did get along for my sake after their divorce; I thought that was normal. It's been a long, painful lesson finding out otherwise. It did get easier when I accepted that my aexh will never meet my basic standards for mutual co-parenting. He can't. So I might as well shrug and deal. Fortunately (or not, depending on your point of view) he's dumped his parenting responsibilities on his GF; she's a class A codependent and takes good care of my child. Once I accepted that he's not in charge anymore, and doesn't want to be, the three of us got along better.

And I know the kind of irrational ranting you're talking about... I'm about as horrible of a person as you can be, according to my ex. But at least I don't have that degree of displaced rage percolating inside me; I feel sorry for him that he does.

It does sink in. It takes a good while-- years, for me. Be patient with yourself.

Tuffgirl

Some days I get so tired of being me. Then something great happens and I remember again that ya know, I do actually like being me. Just not all the time. And that's ok. Hang in there.

LexieCat

This was what first came to mind for me: I recall that you did NOT want to get into negotiating the weekends, that you wanted to stick strictly to the court order. Now, you may have had good motives, they may have bad ones (obviously, you think so), but it really doesn't make any difference. You either are flexible and negotiate, or you stick to the order. You can't really have it both ways, with one standard for you, and a different one for them.

Any divorce where kids are involved and the parents find it impossible to cooperate with each other is bound to have stuff like this going on. Since you decided that the better course is to stick strictly with the order, I would avoid asking them for any accommodation unless it is VERY important (e.g., visiting a dying grandparent, god forbid).

Hopefully things will someday calm down and you will be able to work together with them. Only time will tell whether that will be possible.

Cyranoak

You hit the nail on the head. It's expectations. Change your expectations to read something like, "he's an ******* and will always act like one" and you'll never be disappointed. Expect and plan for the worst (intellectually and emotionally), and it'll be an easier pill to swallow.

It'll still suck, it'll just hurt less.

Take care,

Cyranoak

theuncertainty

You're right, Lexie, I did want to stick to the order because it is impossible to deal with them. I'm not sure why I felt the need to stick my hand on that iron. I should have posted here before I emailed them.

Banish, man, I wish that would work with XAH. I'm just a frigid, money-grubbing b- according to XAH. And I spend it all on myself, because I left ALL the debt with him. It's not like DS went from a size 5 to a size 10 clothes in one year, or that there were Dr, dentist, daycare bills or anything. Or that I paid for all XAH's utilities and rent for a month after I left him.

Cyranoak, yep, expectations... f-. I wish it was just a phase, and XAH would just grow out of it. H-ll, if I'm wishing, I should come up with a better wish.

Tuffgirl

I know I've said this here before, but I don't get child support for my two daughters. And I quit asking for it, each and every month...where's the check?...where's the check? Five years of that and I finally quit asking. He never sent another check again. It does make the girls feel worthless, and it has negatively affected their relationship with him. The older one won't visit him anymore. The younger has learned to turn it around into a guilt trip to her advantage. I stay out of it. It's not my responsibility to remind him to provide for his children, and as long as he views it as somehow supporting "my lifestyle", it'll never be about them. In order to achieve serenity, I quit demanding something he didn't want to provide. Let him answer that one to his God when the time comes.

Expectation of support gone...now I am never disappointed or angry about it. Just very, very sad that I gave this man the gift of children and he treated it as a burden instead.

Someday you may be faced with the same difficult choice. I am grateful I can support us myself just fine.

TakingCharge999

Maybe you can use his defects as proof you were smart for having him as an ex now and not as your "partner" anymore?

Uncertainty I feel like a slightly younger version of you. I struggle with expectations. I like the advice given in this thread. About those voices of criticism, LTD calls them "the board" or something like that, so you can go "oh, its the board talking again" and continue feeling great about meeting new people.

Do you have your qualities posted in your bedroom? grab a paper, use different colors and write all the qualities you can think of. It sounds dumb but I swear it has helped me.

I get very angry about fathers with child support issues, my dad also stopped giving it to my mom, and some ppl say my dad was such a great father giving my mom any money at all. As if it wasn't his damn f**** obligation.

Anyway my therapist says when children grow up and their fathers grow old and are the ones who need company/help, THAT is when they "pay" for their selfishness, when the children do not seek their company. She has many of such cases, I run into these men sometimes and the sadness in their eyes is unbelievable.

Here it says how the alcoholic stages are like, early stages are about the future but later on it is more about a bitterly regretted past.

http://www.bma-wellness.com/papers/A..._Lies_Rel.html



As Melody Beatty says "we pay, either now, or later"

theuncertainty

Yeah.... I asked for a year; he promised for a year, but nothing. I needed it then. I filed for help through the State, I got his dividend but otherwise, nada for another year and a 1/2. Then court, add another 1/2 year. Now a few payments and a load of cr-p attitude.

I don't really need it now. I definitely don't need to bear the brunt of his temper about his non-existent money management skills. I swear that if I offered to call off the State in exchange for his leaving us alone, he'd do it. Well, at least if his GF weren't involved.

I'd love to say I want that: giving the offer and having it accepted. Sometimes I do. Honestly, though, the reason I don't truly want it is because when DS is old enough to understand this all, I don't want him to blame me for his father's inability to be a decent dad. *deep breath*

TC, I wish I was an older version of you.... Thanks for the link and the good qualities exercise reminder.

TakingCharge999

No "thanks" allowed, you got to do it, and post a picture of it no excuses!!!!!!!!!

theuncertainty

Well, sh-t. New e-mail from XAH stating they will take DS Friday night and will I pick him up Sunday or...... No, I will not let him have DS Sunday night and Monday as well. I'd like DS to see his Uncle a little. What a stupid, m-ther-f-ing, troglodytic, tirade-spewing, conniving hypocrite.

Do I get the irony that I'm angry that he's finally agreed to do something that I asked? Yes.

Thumper

That will never happen. Well, it might happen in a very short time frame (my kids blamed me for a lot), but time doesn't stand still. Even at their young age they can see the big picture once things play out.

1) Screw him and his email. My vote is to post that schedule and plan your life around that calendar - not him - that calendar. If you are frustrated with the logistics look at the schedule. The schedule isn't *him*. It is a harmless calendar. It just is. It is not hanging there to control and frighten you. It is a parenting schedule that happens just like Tuesday comes after Monday. You deal with it and make adjustments to your life - just like we can't squeeze in an extra day between Monday and Tuesday. Maybe a shift like that that will reduce your stress? Don't talk to him and his groupies anymore. Is there anyone that can read the emails for you so you do not have to deal with them? At least for a little while. Maybe you can set up a webmail account specifically for him and share the password with someone to do that and they don't even have to live near you

2) That is a darn good rant right there. I had to actually consult a dictionary

Thinking of you and wishing I had the right words to say.

theuncertainty

I go back and forth on this one, Anvil. But anytime I broached the subject of having issues communicating with XAH, my lawyer told me to just communicate with the GF or other supervisors. I think "reasonable" "possibly safer". And then that blows up in my face too....

theuncertainty

Thank you, Thumper.

I do have an e-mail address that I reserve solely for XAH, his GF and family, simply because it was the one that XAH could remember. What was my junk e-address is now my main address, but I need to change that because it has his last name in it... My sister would probably check the e-mail for me, but man, she's already doing so much for me: letting DS and I live in her house, not charging rent for a while (most likely ever, knowing her), not cashing the checks I try to give her, telling me I contribute to the household because I babysit the kids occassionally and clean, she and/or her husband re-arrange their schedules so one of them is available for drop off and and pick up times....

But I get the idea and will talk to my sister about it.

Troglodyte:
1. a prehistoric cave dweller
2. a person of degraded, primitive or brutal character
3. a person living in seclusion

The last one doesn't seem to fit XAH anymore, but....

lillamy

I have to tell you that that string of words right there cheered me up quite a bit. I'm a sucker for a great insult. Good work.

As for the real content... Oh God, I don't know why we do it. I do it, too. Expect rational behavior or thinking. We ought to know better.

TakingCharge999

lol lillamy "sucker for great insult".. my cats are staring at me as I giggle.

uncertainty, have you drank your orange juice? remember orange, lemons, help to deal with stress.

Perhaps give you a prize after you interact with the ex or the gf? you know... something to look forward afterwards??

chocolate
time to observe a flower
walking on the grass barefoot
telling yourself a compliment
buying your favorite magazine
renting a comedy
watching youtube videos, with makeup, hairstyle, fashion ideas, or your favorite artist
surfing the net for fashion blogs (I follow The Blonde Salad, a rich stylish Italian model/fashionista whose biggest problem is to chose her shoes in the morning)
saving for something totally superficial you would like to own?
?

I plan to do this next time there is an interaction with someone toxic, or when I get triggered by anything.

Today I felt so sad, stressed, triggered that I treated myself to my first gym session and to two hours of kick boxing. Then went with an elderly woman who is into natural healing, alternative therapies and she gave my friend and I very good advice.

"Love yourself"