Disgusted with self & want to change
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: New York
Posts: 5
Disgusted with self & want to change
I have finally accepted that I have a problem with alcohol abuse. I am 39 years old and started drinking in my mid teens. I have been in denial around the fact that my problem has slowly, but surely, grown progressively worse through the years. I somehow learned to rely on alcohol as a coping strategy.
I quit drinking 10 days ago (in addition to smoking cigarettes!) because I came to the realization that my alcohol abuse has spiraled out of control. When I drink, I lie to myself and others, rationalize every bad decision, manipulate so that I can continue drinking, and act impulsively. These behavior traits are not part of my normal, sober personality. Before my problem escalated during the past year or so, I could look at myself in the mirror and feel good about my ethics, morals, and character. Thanks to a dysfunctional relationship with alcohol, now I feel like a pathetic loser, a moron, a weak excuse for a human being. Last week I found myself in a very dangerous situation. If I was not under the influence, I would not have made the poor choices that compromised my safety and wellbeing. Things could have turned out much worse. I am very blessed that the incident didn't leave me injured, raped, or dead. The upside of this traumatic event is that it shocked me into reality. Before this happened, I was acting reckless, with no thought of serious consequences or remorse. Now I feel embarrassed, humiliated, and left wondering how I allowed myself to become such a mess.
There is no excuse for my behavior. But I have been examining the reasons why I have engaged in this toxic relationship with alcohol. Some recent life changes, including being layed off from my job (due to budget cutbacks) and having difficulty securing a new full time job in my profession, has left me with too much time on my hands and a weight on my shoulders. I am doing part time consulting work and continue to search for full time employment in my field. I prefer to be busy and productive. I never drank on a daily basis, so I rationalized my habit by telling myself that it was an acceptable way to relax and pass the extra time. I told myself alcohol never interfered with my job performance or my ability to pay bills. Meanwhile, my consumption increased. I was frequenting bar/restaurants alone and justifying this crazy drinking habit as "I was just going out to lunch to kill some time." I drank to avoid boredom. I drank to avoid uncomfortable feelings. In exchange, alcohol made me increasingly hopeless, irritable, unmotivated, and anxious. My marriage started to suffer because my husband bore the burden of my erratic moods.
During the past 10 days without alcohol, I am calmer, less anxious, more motivated. My problems are far from over. But at least my head has started to clear from the alcohol haze. Now I can reorganize my life and focus energy on positive change. I am glad that I found this forum. I have been reading the posts and discovering a lot of helpful information. Thanks for listening.
I quit drinking 10 days ago (in addition to smoking cigarettes!) because I came to the realization that my alcohol abuse has spiraled out of control. When I drink, I lie to myself and others, rationalize every bad decision, manipulate so that I can continue drinking, and act impulsively. These behavior traits are not part of my normal, sober personality. Before my problem escalated during the past year or so, I could look at myself in the mirror and feel good about my ethics, morals, and character. Thanks to a dysfunctional relationship with alcohol, now I feel like a pathetic loser, a moron, a weak excuse for a human being. Last week I found myself in a very dangerous situation. If I was not under the influence, I would not have made the poor choices that compromised my safety and wellbeing. Things could have turned out much worse. I am very blessed that the incident didn't leave me injured, raped, or dead. The upside of this traumatic event is that it shocked me into reality. Before this happened, I was acting reckless, with no thought of serious consequences or remorse. Now I feel embarrassed, humiliated, and left wondering how I allowed myself to become such a mess.
There is no excuse for my behavior. But I have been examining the reasons why I have engaged in this toxic relationship with alcohol. Some recent life changes, including being layed off from my job (due to budget cutbacks) and having difficulty securing a new full time job in my profession, has left me with too much time on my hands and a weight on my shoulders. I am doing part time consulting work and continue to search for full time employment in my field. I prefer to be busy and productive. I never drank on a daily basis, so I rationalized my habit by telling myself that it was an acceptable way to relax and pass the extra time. I told myself alcohol never interfered with my job performance or my ability to pay bills. Meanwhile, my consumption increased. I was frequenting bar/restaurants alone and justifying this crazy drinking habit as "I was just going out to lunch to kill some time." I drank to avoid boredom. I drank to avoid uncomfortable feelings. In exchange, alcohol made me increasingly hopeless, irritable, unmotivated, and anxious. My marriage started to suffer because my husband bore the burden of my erratic moods.
During the past 10 days without alcohol, I am calmer, less anxious, more motivated. My problems are far from over. But at least my head has started to clear from the alcohol haze. Now I can reorganize my life and focus energy on positive change. I am glad that I found this forum. I have been reading the posts and discovering a lot of helpful information. Thanks for listening.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Whistler, British Columbia
Posts: 222
Hi Giada.
Congrats on the 10 days so far for both the drinking and smoking. That is a huge feat to nail both at the same time. I know as I did the 2 at once myself : )
Know that life for you is about to get amazing. Life after we all put the bottle down changes in ways that you can only dream of.
Each day you remain sober you will gain a little more of your true self back.
Glad you found us!
Congrats on the 10 days so far for both the drinking and smoking. That is a huge feat to nail both at the same time. I know as I did the 2 at once myself : )
Know that life for you is about to get amazing. Life after we all put the bottle down changes in ways that you can only dream of.
Each day you remain sober you will gain a little more of your true self back.
Glad you found us!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Pacific Northwest
Posts: 645
Thanks Giada for sharing. I could have written your post myself. I stopped drinking in November and had a mini-relapse (if that even exists) a few weeks ago. I too have come to the realization that I can never drink again. I really dumb myself down when I drink and act in irrational ways that I never would while sober.
Congrats on 10 days sober! Stay on this path....you won't regret it. Good luck!
Congrats on 10 days sober! Stay on this path....you won't regret it. Good luck!
Life the gift of recovery!
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Home is where the heart is
Posts: 7,061
Originally Posted by GiadaSP 
I have finally accepted that I have a problem with alcohol abuse.
Originally Posted by GiadaSP
......now I feel like a pathetic loser, a moron, a weak excuse for a human being. Now I feel embarrassed, humiliated, and left wondering how I allowed myself to become such a mess. There is no excuse for my behavior.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 1,028
Hey there, I was feeling the same way ("pathetic loser), etc" you were. I understand and I'm at day 12 so we are pretty much in the same spot. 
It's hard to accept that a liquid is pretty much ruining your life. And it's been really hard to accept the word "alcoholic." But here we are....
You aren't a bad person nor am I. We just got caught up in our addiction and it took on a life of it's own. I personally am still in the maze of where do I go from here but I have a lot of support here and in AA. I don't know, I'm new like you to all of this so keep posting and maybe we can all just keep supporting one another through this. It's hard!
It's hard to accept that a liquid is pretty much ruining your life. And it's been really hard to accept the word "alcoholic." But here we are....You aren't a bad person nor am I. We just got caught up in our addiction and it took on a life of it's own. I personally am still in the maze of where do I go from here but I have a lot of support here and in AA. I don't know, I'm new like you to all of this so keep posting and maybe we can all just keep supporting one another through this. It's hard!
i've done my almost
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 1,934
Hi Giada-
One thing that helped me in the beginning was realizing that I wasn't a bad person, but more a sick person, who really, really needed help.
GREAT job coming on here and "talking" out your problem.
Don't be afraid to ask for help. Make no mistake about it - there is power in the asking.
We can and do recover and you can be living proof.
Kjell~
One thing that helped me in the beginning was realizing that I wasn't a bad person, but more a sick person, who really, really needed help.
GREAT job coming on here and "talking" out your problem.
Don't be afraid to ask for help. Make no mistake about it - there is power in the asking.
We can and do recover and you can be living proof.
Kjell~
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: New York
Posts: 5
Thanks to everyone who responded here with the helpful feedback and supportive words of encouragement. I feel less isolated knowing there are many others who have struggled with similar issues.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,759
Welcome to the family. YOu are by no means alone in your situation. All of us have had problems due to drinking but we are learning how to deal with them sober. I thought I'd never 'get it' but now have almost a year and a half. We do recover, I'm proof of that.
YOu are by no means alone in your situation. All of us have had problems due to drinking but we are learning how to deal with them sober. I thought I'd never 'get it' but now have almost a year and a half. We do recover, I'm proof of that.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Texas
Posts: 665
Congratulations on 10 days!!! and smokes too?!!!! You should be very proud of yourself. Try not to beat yourself up for past behavior. I find it helpful to focus on the positive choices I make each day. Welcome to the family.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Ohio
Posts: 392
Congrats of quitting drinking and smoking at the same time
That takes a lot of will power. I know because I quit both on the same day too for some of the VERY same reasons that you quit. Welcome to your new life
YOu will not regret living this way
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Sydney, Australia
Posts: 94
Wow lots of similarities....this is what helps us along. It's hard not to be hard on ourselves but people are capable of much worse and feel no remorse. We can't change the past. I'm starting to think it's the way a higher power shakes us by the shoulders after years of gentle nudging.
Thanks for sharing and well done on 10 days! (the cigarettes too!!)
Thanks for sharing and well done on 10 days! (the cigarettes too!!)
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