pennywistle

I am on Day One for the gazillionth time and as I ponder my options, there aren't many.
I think I want to join AA full time; I really don't know what else there is for me.
I live in an area where one is either a drunk or in AA. I hate it.
I just want to quietly quit on my own without the use of groups or holding hands, or even baring my soul on online discussion boards like this one.
But I can't. I need something. And I think it may be necessary to go a rehab center again.

Last night, after a really s***** week something came over me and I had this crazy discussion with myself that basically said "Well you're an alcoholic, you might as well just stay that way and go all the way". I bought a box of wine for the first time in my life. For some reason, drinking everyday like they do in Ab Fab sounded really fun and a good and viable way for Penny to live.

I woke to find I had done some damage to the interior of my apartment building during my blitz. I don't remember it, and I expect to feel pretty awful and unable to fully function for the next couple of days.
I wanted to go to a meeting tonight but had so much anxiety and shakes I couldn't bring myself to be out.
I strongly dislike AA, but I feel that's where I need to be, for a long time.
I don't know what else there is.
I just spoke with a girl who went to treatment at the same time I did four years ago, she was incredibly manic, mean and difficult to be with at that time. She has been sober since then, is super active in AA, has traveled the world, and has come full circle and is one of the sweetest, kind and level headed people out there. I want to be her!

P.S. How does one properly dispose of a still quite full box of wine?

GettingStronger2

You want what she has, do what she does. Talk to her about it.

As for the wine, anyway you want, but down your throat!

EmeraldRose

How does one properly dispose of a still quite full box of wine?

Um...pour it down the drain? That would be my guess.

Unfortunately, you can't be her...you need to find yourself. You need to find who YOU want to be in the world. For many years I followed, I glided, I compromised...now that I've quit I'm learning that I'm not a bad person just the way I am and I am in control of my own thoughts and actions. I have found 'my little niche' in the world. It may not be much but it's mine. I go to AA, I have friends there. They know me and love me despite my faults...why don't you give it another shot. Get involved, live life...pour out the wine and breath.

pennywistle

Poured that crap out! Whew! What a stink!

Dee74

I'm glad you poured the wine out Penny - and I'm glad you're thinking of AA.

I think we get to a point that we're ready to anything else but what we have been doing - whatever it takes.

Best wishes to you - keep us updated.

D

StPeteGrad

To be "That Chick" happens one day at a time. "That chick" did it everyday by not drinking only "that day."

As we say in AA: "Give us a try, if it doesn't work we'll gladly refund your misery."

Raptor

Hey Pennywise

I also hated going to AA at first but after a while I came to realise that I "mentally" could not do this on my own. I thaught that I was stronger that the AA guys and fell flat on my face more times that I care to remember... AA will help you cope, iven if you just sit and listen...

P.S. Great quote Pete....

Regards

Ant

SomethingBetter

it does stink dont it? lol, good for you for pouring it out, its amazing how we drink day after day even though its poison and smells like it when its in such large amounts.

Ive broken doors, punched walls and nearly destroyed my home while drunk, i can relate.

if getting sober means getting support, by all means get support... to continue drinking only gets worse, staying sober gets better and better.

DUNE

Boxed wine! You drink like I used to. I know how you feel about looking around the rooms and seeing people you want to be like. I've relapsed a lot and am now on day 24. There are a lot of things that I don't like about aa, and my progress in the progam has been minimal. But I have decided that no matter what happens, I am not going to stop fighting this thing. Although I have not had much success in aa, I am very confident that aa will help me to win this fight, and that I will have a very fullfillig sober life. I'm sure you will too.

reggiewayne

To me, this is "results driven". You're plan for life got you drunk, miserable, and damaging your apartment. AA's plan has gotten millions of people sober. My experience says that if you keep drinking you'll actually wish for nights as calm as you described. This disease is progressive, it gets worse - never better....

You sound like you're in a tough spot. I was to about 6 months ago. I couldn't drink without the bad stuff happening, but I couldn't "not drink" either. I went back to the rooms of AA after failing and flaking out for 3 years. I started going 6 times per week, doing the stuff they said to do, sharing in meetings (sometimes that meant admitting to a group of stangers "I WANT TO DRINK, AND I DON'T KNOW HOW NOT TO". Rigerous Honesty.

What has happened is - I haven't drank. I don't really know why it works, I just know it does. It's not the only way, but it's the most accessable. Day in, day out there are thousands of meetings that anybody can go to.

I wish you the best and am sorry you are struggling. Just please realize that it doesn't have to be like this anymore. The guilt, shame, anger, etc... all of it can go away. One day at a time.

What time are you going to a meeting today?

skinnygenes

I felt exactly the same way, I thought well I'm going to AA until I find something better, that was three and a half years ago and I found myself incredibly "dazzled" by the beauty of AA.
There is nothing more normal for an alcoholic to be wanting to quit by themselves, mind you some people manage but I don't think it's for everybody and I think it's worth giving AA a proper shot. I spent five years trying to quit by myself and failed miserably every single week, so if you don't want to take it from me or from anybody else in the forum the only thing you can do is go back out there and try until you're beaten to a pulp. Most times it's what it takes us to realize we need help!
Glad you poured the stuff out, give it a try and try to keep an open mind, it works xxx best of luck

keithj

That would be a rare case. Most people who have recovered in AA did so as the result of a spiritual awakening from taking the 12 Steps. I've seen a number of remarkable transformations in the lives of women who have done this.

Are you wiling, pennywhistle, to do what that chick did to recover? Ask her.

Enoy

It sounds like you just found your sponsor. they say when choosing a sponsor " Find someone who has and seems to be what you want and where you want to be in your life..... "

I too had those thoughts of " Well , screw it... Millions of people just ride out their alcoholism indefinitely.... why not me ?

But then I saw where most ended up.

omegasupreme

Ditto what "that chick" said.

Eddiebuckle

It's s**t, pour it into the toilet.

GS2 is absolutely right, your friend has what you want. Since you've apparently tried many times before to do this your way, what do you have to lose to try somebody elses way for awhile? I totally get your reluctance to do AA "full time" - I felt the same even after I went to rehab and had no problem admitting I was powerless of alcohol and my life was a collosal mess. The first time I went to a meeting I was totally stressed because all "those people" in the room would think I was an alcoholic.

Call your friend and hold nothing back as to where you are, what you want, and what you fear. It sounds like she's an asset you'd be a fool to not contact.

Best wishes,
Edd

MemphisBlues

Penny, lots of great advice here. I just wanted to share a bit of my experience. I was sober, well, abstaining for a few months before I finally went to an AA meeting. About a hundred or so meetings followed that.

If it wasn't for making myself go, I don't think I would be alive, let along sober.

The cliches you hear at AA work. Surrender. Let Go. Suit up and show up.

Showing up is the hardest and easiest part.

One old timer, a woman with 20 years sobriety, shared something on her anniversary that resonated with me: "Fake it until you make it."

That takes only one small step -- into the room. After that, just be honest with yourself and others. And share.

Peace

pennywistle

MemphisBlues, I have heard that expression many times myself.
Looking forward to trying it out!
Thanks to everyone who responded, I appreciate and take them all to heart.
I was still very sick today and unable to make it to a meeting. Also I would like to do some research and find a new meeting to go to.
Thanks again.

Raptor

all booze sucks and belongs down the drain,

DUNE

Penny, I'm sorry to hear that you weren't able to make it out because of how you feel. I absolutely hate my detox period!! But going to a meeting while I'm trying to get through it, helps me to pass time. I hope you feel better soon.

Dune

pennywistle

Raptor: YES!
Dune: Thank you, and I agree, a meeting helps relieve the pain from the wds a bit.