Aysha

Same old story. I left NY to get away from my family because I thought they were the problem by enabling me. Why do I never listen to anyone? I know I am the problem. And anywhere I go, There I am.
I was doin really good for about 2 mos when I got here. Now? I am dam near homeless, in the streets like I was beofre we went to NY 9 yrs ago. Doin the same ****. Gettin money in risky ways to survive and end up gettin high most of the time anyway.
I have spiraled out of contol so fast.
I am goin home and checkin into some type of program. I really threw myslef to the wolves this time. I dont have anyone here to help me. I am gettin exactly what I asked for. But I guess it may have taken this to make me see how serious my addiction really is. When your left alone with no help like I have had all my life. Its a shock.
Thank goodness I do have 1 or 2 good friends that put up with me and help me a little. Like feeding me and letting me shower and stuff at their house.
As of right now. I have no where to go. I have been goin where ever I can for the past almost week.
I have never in my life been in a position like this and it is all my doin.
I have hit my breakin point. I am not built for this **** anymore.
I had to tell someone before I lose it.
I cant keep actin like nothing is wrong anymore.
Anyway, Thx for lettin me get that out.

Anna

Trish, try the Salvation Army where you are.

http://www.uss.salvationarmy.org/uss...tpalmbeach.nsf

They offer free rehab to anyone who wants it.

suki44883

Trish, I just don't know what to say anymore. I hope you will find the courage to do what you know you need to do. Please. Find a Salvation Army and ask for help.

Kjell

Hi A-

You gotta want it.

Do you really want it? ...b/c if you do, then nothing will stand in your way. You'll do whatever it takes to stay sober.

We're in your corner. It can be done.

Maybe it's time to let go absolutely and follow direction from those who know how to get and stay sober?

Kjell~

LaFemme

I am sending you positive thoughts and prayers. I believe you can succeed.

Tina

littlefish

Lots of us have tried the geographic cure. I zipped my lip when you said you were going to Florida and everything was going to be just great.

I almost heard myself talkin' there:
Denver!, San Francisco!, Berkeley!, Chicago!, Dallas!, Houston!....yeah. I tried to find the cure in all those places. Just move! (I told myself). But then every time I would find myself in a new city, the first thing I would do is find the closest liquor store. Not the grocery store...the liquor store.

I know your DOC is not alcohol, but I think we all drink from the same well when it comes to trying to fill that hole of emptiness inside; with drugs, alcohol, sex, gambling, shopping, etc, etc. Sometimes I throw candy and clothes in there, too. Even in recovery, I find myself throwing tons of candy bars and tops on sale into that hole, because...I need. I am empty. I hurt.

But at least, I know now that is what is happening, it is all becoming clear to me. I never knew I hurt. I never knew how to identify the quest to cure my pain with alcohol, (drugs when I was young: mj, acid, coke and shrooms), geographic cures, shopping cures, etc, etc.
I didn't know I was doing that.

Do you know that you are doing that?

I found that the problem was wherever I went, my head was attached. I couldn't seem to move away from my head. And, surprise surprise, my head seemed to be the source of my problems.

I wanted to get away from all the thousands of thoughts that plagued my mind everyday. The future obsessions, the past obsessions, the stupid fantasies and the unrealistic expectations I had regarding everybody and everything. The anger, the rage, the self-hatred, the depression.

Wherever I went, of course, my brain went with me.

In recovery, I am learning that I had and have a completely undisciplined brain. I guess I just can't get rid of my brain unless I blow my head off. So, I guess...I have to start using my brain as a tool. Try to manage it, instead of it managing ME.

You have been unwilling to really immerse yourself in a program. A program would begin the process of helping you start to be conscious of you, yourself, your thoughts..your brain.
The programs are there...if you want them.

Dee74

Please do follow through and do something Trish - get some help...right now - don't wait.

Take care of yourself, ok?
D

Aysha

Thx everyone. I am tearin up as always. LF, That makes so much sense. I do know what I am doin. I just like to act like I dont. I dont want to be weak. Even tho I know its not to ask for help and actually do it. I think I can do this on my own and I am goin to die tryin if I dont stop foolin myself.
I do need to surrender. i havent done that not once. As many times as I have thought I did. It was complete BS. All good intentions tho. But good intentions dont make it.
Anyway. I knew I could always come here and find what I was needing.
I have so much love and respect for this board and everyone here. You really put some light at the end of this dark dark tunnel.

laurie6781

(((((Trish)))))

Contact:

Contact: Major Thomas McWilliams
Tel: 561.686.3530

This below, will give you the address and the map and everything.

http://www.uss.salvationarmy.org/uss...%20Beach,%20FL

That is the number for adult alcohol and drug problems for the Salvation Army for West Palm Beach.

Be honest, get in to see them for evaluation. Tell them the WHOLE story, and the rehabs. Tell them what you have said here.

It really would be better for you to go to rehab where you are rather than go back to NY. Even "Intervention" on A&E send the addicts and/or alkies to rehabs far away from their home city and from their families.

I believe you have a better chance getting into rehab in West Palm than going back to NY. If you are serious. I certainly hope you are!

A lot of times it is that 'geographic' that finally turns on the light in our brain.

Sending good thoughts and prayers to you. Now make that damn phone call!!!! lol

Love and hugs,

least

What Laurie said...

Hevyn

Praying for you again Trish. You're still trying - so it's not over. You can win this war.

Zencat

Sending you healing energy Trish .

It is as it has been time to commit to a one year program. I did a nine month program once and it was exactly what I need to do at the time. My niece completed a one year program and still is connected to the program some few years latter. House of Hope (in CA) will give you everything you need, program, food, logging, even clothing, plus it free for those that have no means to pay.

pennywistle

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Sending you prayers!
I hope that you'll check out SA. I used to go to an AA meeting where lots of women from SA came and I envied them- they got to stay there as long as they wanted and I could tell they were really happy and best friends. They seemed to be the happiest and most positive of everyone in the room.
I'm not trying to tell you what to do, but I hope you'll check it out!

michelle01

It didn't sound like you were getting a lot of support where you were, that you had found a group to go to and you really need to make that a priority. Moving location itself obviously wasn't going to solve the problem. Hoping you follow the advice here and get help for yourself asap.

littlefish

Is it time to redecorate that style?
As a stubborn recovery person, I have had to be dragged kicking and screaming into anything in recovery. My sponsor refers to me as "kicking and screaming". I am.
I don't like people, I don't like contact. But, I had to start to get used to those things in recovery.
My perfect world? Drunk, with my shades drawn, my phone disconnected, the DVD player playing films I have watched drunk a zillion times.

Recovery?
Totally out of my comfort zone: everything in recovery is out of my comfort zone.

Does it always feel good? No, and yes. It's both. Drunk/high? Always one reality: negative.
My choice in recovery was: I want to be there to seize the opportunities that life offers during the short and fleeting hours from 7AM to 11PM: I finally started to understand one day at a time.

1undone

Hoping you will listen to the wise people here. Wishing you all the best!

Rusty Zipper

trish

maybe its time to reach out for that hug you dont like.

yet again, the self-will run riot dug you deeper.

are you done digging yet?

i've never sugar-coated you, as your a tough lady on the outside,

a wounded child on the inside.

trish, surrender 100%

i'de hate to see another trish die,

though thats not up to me

all good wishes trish

SSIL75

I do hope you'll consider a long term program. It feels to me like you don't know how to live a sober life. Like you're addicted to the adrenalin that comes with the lifestyle as much as you are the drug. I can relate. It was easy for me to enjoy a hangover-free life. Getting comfortable with a peaceful life took a lot more work.

I think a lot of us saw you pick up speed once you hit the ground in FL. A new relationship, excitement, excitement, excitement.

Jomey

Hey girl - go ahead and do it - use that info. that Laurie gave you and get moving. We never know how many chances we have to make it back....we want you here with us and you are the only person who can make that happen....lending you all the strength you need to make that call....Love, Jomey

michelle01

Hoping that T is okay, I have thought of her as she reminds me so strongly of someone in my own life.

It is possible to do this, many people on this site have proven so. They have been far down the road but made it back. I had so much resistance coming into recovery, I learned a lot of things however that made me reassess in time. And I finally stopped sabotaging myself.

Wherever we are in life, if things are good or bad, it's so vital to stay plugged into the source of recovery.