ErinGoBragh

I haven't been around an A - as in up-close and personal - since I left my AH 18 months ago. I'm making a four-hour drive for a Memorial Day weekend visit to see one of my oldest and dearest friends (we were roommates in our early 20's), with whom I lost touch over the years. We found each other and reconnected on FB.

Brief history: I set her up on a blind date with her exH while we were in our early 20's. After she married her ex, and I got married too, the four of us would get together for weekends to bar-hop, go to ball games, go out to dinner, whatever. Both of our husbands got along great, so we also had girl-time together to shop while the guys went to a baseball game or did other "guy stuff."

Fast-forward to today: She divorced her husband after 23 years of marriage. Reason? He was an A who also cheated on her. I was pretty stunned, because I never recalled her ex being a big drinker, and he seemed to be crazy-in-love with my gf. However, I lost touch and didn't know what went on over the years until she filled me in. She remarried in 2006.

She married another A. He no longer works, but she still has her job. Basically, I'm seeking advice on how best to use my detachment skills when it comes to speaking with her. I have my own ideas, but input would be greatly appreciated on anything else I can do to make this as pleasant a weekend as possible.

Being a codie, I see her issues more clearly. After all, her husband hasn't talked to me, listing her shortcomings, why she's driving him nuts, or giving me a litany of her transgressions, so he's none of my business. One thing really struck me when we were speaking last night; I suggested she might want to try Al-Anon again, after she told me she hid the vodka bottle she found in the house in the trunk of her car. I got the usual response from her, which is, "I know, I know." It sounded just like the denial mechanism used by A's. Sure, she knows she's been hospitalized for severe stomach pains, she knows that she took three days off work when she had some sort of mental collapse and felt suicidal, but her focus is still on him and how he is bugging her. I just told her that he's doing what he chooses to do; if it bothers her, then that is her issue to deal with.

I heard my own voice in all the old familiar denial/excuses she was saying, such as, "I know B's really a nice guy," and "I really love B, but ..." I thought about what she was saying, and didn't comment. I simply told her that she was on his side of the street and his problems were his and not her's. I also said that just because she hid the vodka in the trunk of her car, didn't mean he won't go out and buy more.

So, my dilemma is this: enforcing my own boundaries. I refuse to listen to her complain about a situation she could easily walk away from, since she holds the money, the mortgage to the house, has a decent job, and her AH has zilch. No, he is not a nice guy, he's a mooch. And he knows just how to manipulate her into staying with him every single time she threatens to leave. The funny thing is, she has every legal right to toss him out on his ear. He could go live with one of his three kids from his first marriage, or just live in a cardboard box by the side of the road.

So while I won't listen to her whine and complain, since she has made the choice to stay for now, I don't want to get stuck in the middle of anything. I was going specifically to visit HER. Now I've learned that her AH will be going with us on a tour of a winery (oh, boy ...), a trip to a cheese making operation, as well as a tour of a grain-fed, free-range beef farm. If the AH starts getting boozed up, I'll ask for a ride back to their house. Heck, if I have to drive off and go back home, I will.

I want to enjoy my time with a wonderful friend. I don't want to get into my advice-giving mode. Mostly, I don't know how I'll handle it if she and AH get into some sort of argument over his drinking or if my gf blows a fuse and starts going codie on me. I'm okay handling my side of the street, but I haven't been exposed to an alcoholic/codie relationship in quite a while. Detach, detach, detach ... easier said than done, particularly when I see all the codependency issues destroying my dear friend.

HELP!!!!

fourmaggie

hummm, maybe, if she asks for advice, give it to her...if she does go on and on...tell her up front, what and who you are...and set the boundaries from there...

othewise this is what expections do...goes around and around...just enjoy the moment with her...and see what happens....

wanttobehealthy

I don't suppose there's a chance of your gf driving to see you - alone- instead of you going there?

I don't have any advice for you unfortunately bc I'm still raw from dealing with my AH and all I can think right now is that if it were me I'd probably not go bc it would be too much to deal with to be around her H.

Do you and she have plans for the weekend that involve being away from the house for most of the time? Hopefully you can have time just with her and limit your interactions with him-- that's the best I can come up with.

MeredithD1

Erin, the fact that he's got to place his presence on those special outings has to be frustrating for you. He sure isn't the one you're going to see. ARGH!

Part of my extensive line of codie behaviors, is wanting to rescue others because I sure want everyone to be happy. I'd have a tough time watching a friend walk the paths I worked hard to get off of.

If it felt like it was going to be more work than fun, I'd probably beg off going - but if I could play Tourist happily, just getting into the features of the site seeing, and then get my friend alone for a private conversation where I could let my hair down - maybe arranging that in advance with her - then it might be worth it.

TFS!

ErinGoBragh

Thanks for replies. Actually, it was my gf who told me her AH would be driving us around to various places. I assume it's so she can keep an eye on him. Maybe he'll stay sober, although I find that HIGHLY unlikely, since we'll be visiting a winery and having a wine tasting while there.

I was hoping it would just be the two of us hanging out together. If her AH starts getting obnoxious or drunk, I'll pack up and leave. I'd love to have her come up my way, but it would be a bit tight in an efficiency apartment with me, my two cats, and her - all sharing a queen-size bed!

We've been planning a get-together for three months, and the fact that her home has panoramic views of the Blue Ridge Mountains made me want to make the trip south all the more. I suppose my biggest concern is I don't have a clue if any of their interactions will trigger anything I may have repressed about my ex. Only time will tell ...

fourmaggie

WOO! hold on a second here...this is a boundary for me! i do not get into any vehicle when the driver is intoxicated!!! no no no....you need to have a back up plan if he is NOT sober.....taxi? and I would not enable this behaviour......find a back bone...and save your life...do what the gut is telling you...

~god bless

ErinGoBragh

There is no problem with us going to the winery and him getting trashed. Either I can drive or my gf can drive, if that's the case. I wouldn't get in a car with a drunk behind the wheel. Never did with my ex, so I don't think that will be an issue for me now.

I happen to have a well-developed backbone, actually ...

Cyranoak

Speaking from an Alanon perspective I'd encourage you to rethink this visit. Not in a "not go" kind of a way, but in a "play this movie out to the end" kind of way.

Do you really want to do this, and do you really want to engage with her AH? Backbone or not, do you think this is a good idea? If so, have a great visit. If not, what are you going to change?

Take what you want and leave the rest,

Cyranoak

fourmaggie

ok then, thanks for clearifying that

banisheggshells

Truthfully, I don't think I could go. I think I'd ask for another six months to recover and go then. They seem to really be in the midst of it and you are only 18 months out.

Here's one of the things that helped me detach - come up with 2 or 3 lines - affirmations. Things that you can repeat to yourself to help you detach. Write them down and put them in your purse, wallet or as the screensaver of your phone (if you are the type with your phone out a lot). Mine was taped to the spot in the kitchen where I started each day and I changed it every few weeks.

Freedom1990

I have zero inclination to spend time with any friend, regardless of how dear, who is in the throes of untreated codependency and married to an active alcoholic. No thanks, I'll pass.

I paid my dues on both sides of the fence.

I like my life simple, and uncluttered by crazy dysfunction.

ErinGoBragh

Thank you for your perspective. Please keep in mind, I ALWAYS have the freedom to politely excuse myself and return home. I respect your point of view, Freedom. However, I asked for input, not what you would personally do in my situation. After all, it is my life to choose to do as I so desire. Take what you want and leave the rest.

And, by the way, I left my AH 18 months ago; I have been active in Al-Anon for seven years. Granted, it is not the length of recovery, but the depth. I feel fairly strong in my recovery. I also love this woman, regardless of where she is in her own head. I certainly am not marching into her home to set her straight or make her see the light. I have said all I wish to say to her regarding her marital situation.

I've noted on this board that some people come across with all the finesse of a sledgehammer. Again, take what you want and leave the rest ... as will I.