GettingBy

Okay - so I have been emailing back/forth with AH about the house sale (we need to set a price, and have some potential buyers to do FSBO). We exchanged 2-3 business like emails and in his last response he said, "Are you still sure this is what you want?"

Ugh. Bait. Especially considering what I know about his conversation with the neighbor. But I stayed detached and sent this response...

I’m not sure why you’re asking if I still want to do this. As far as I understand from our discussions, the situation remains quite clear to me. You want to keep drinking and I don’t want to live with it anymore. I’m not asking for you to change yourself anymore B. I love you, I really truly do, but I know that you being with me means you sacrificing yourself and who you want to be. I don’t want that – I want you to be free to do as you choose. To have your independence and not feel constrained, nagged, and mothered. I don’t want to live with you and have you resent me anymore. I know I have been a tough spouse to deal with and I have my part in where we are today. I have things I need to work on and at this point, that’s what I want for me – to be a mother, an engineer, and go on a spiritual journey to figure out me.

I love you B. I always will. Every day I send you prayers of love, peace and happiness. You are a great father to our children. We just don’t work well together as husband and wife. We have to sell the house because living like roommates is killing me.


Part of me really wanted to throw bait back and say, "Why? Are you changing your mind?" But I didn't. If he has something to say re: his drinking, our marriage, etc, he needs to just say it!! And then it occurred to me... maybe he had that conversation with A, and he HASN'T changed his mind on the drinking or our marriage. Uh, duh. So... keep on keeping on, Shannon... and stop trying to read into things!!!

And then... I got this response...

Ok. I understand. I love you too.

Yup, keep on keeping on.

wanttobehealthy

You also could have just said, yes it is and not need to explain, justify, elaborate etc.. I haven't felt for a long time like I could just tell my AH yes or no without explanation-- but you really can.

Of course, there are times I also want to say much like what you wrote above and I do so.

Just pointing out a gentle reminder that you're allowed to just say yes and not owe him an explanation. I'm pretty sure, whether he acknowledges it or not, he's perfectly clear about why you are not changing your mind already...

All that said, your response sounds like it was received as well as it could have been by AH and hopefully you can both keep moving fwd to sell the house and go your separate ways.

CXR

You did the right thing. As long as you are OK with your feelings that's all that counts.

My only point to you is not about his "sacrificing" . . . it's about YOU sacrificing!!! No offense, but who cares that he has to sacrifice to be with you. It's you who has to sacrifice and YOU WILL REFUSE TO DO SO BECAUSE YOU WANT TO BE HEALTHY AND HAPPY!

Keep up the great work.

GettingBy

WTBH... I could have just said yes, but I felt strong enough today to say how I feel, without feeling exposed, or manipulative.


The codie part of me really wanted to say, "I could be persuaded to change my mind about all of this... if you were to tell me that you are going to stop drinking, and you are going to get help, and that you want to do marriage counseling! And if you tell me that you love me and don't want to lose me, and you do whatever it takes to save our marriage... if you tell me all that, I'll stop everything so we can ride off into the sunset!!"

Luckily crazy codie me isn't allowed to send emails anymore.... she's only allowed out at Al-anon and here at SR!!!

wanttobehealthy

Sorry if I put my thoughts on you--- I was just thinking 'gee, I hope she didn't feel obligated to explain' which is usually my reason for giving a more detailed answer... I'm really glad you felt totally at ease saying what you did and not adding the codie part (that I took would be and surely will be tempted to say and my plan is that I will post here about that when I am tempted and not go down that road with my H either). I've learned the "write it and wait" approach when I am determined to send off a codie/angry/crazy etc... email to AH. Inevitably, whatever I felt I HAD to say changes pretty quickly and then I can send something that is sane.

It sounds positive that you may have someone interested in the house for a FSBO kind of deal. I'd love to avoid a realtor as well...

stepsforward

You are a very strong woman. Moving forward way to go!!!! Working on yourself sometimes it takes longer than we want it to, but we get there.

Eight Ball

Detachment with love?

Not me! I cant do it at the moment. I am detaching with bitterness, disappointment, regret, anger, sadness and a total dislike for who he is, and what he has become.

I think there is a reading at Al-anon about detaching. If you are unable to do it with love to begin with, then detaching with anger is fine too. Whatever works.

There is no way that I could be so accommodating. There was a time when I would say 'I love you but' - I just cant do it at the moment.

I am grateful that I will be able to detach almost completely due to us having grown up DD's. I am actually looking forward to some peace in my own place, not treading on egg shells or being told what to do and when to do it. I dont intend to have any contact with him at all. I couldn't care less what he does, he is his own problem now. (See, sounding bitter!)

I know that those emotions are no good for a person, so I will be working on them in the future with some more therapy and al-anon, but for now I am happy just knowing that I am happy to get away from my AH.

Thumper

That was me too.

The anger, bitterness, resentment, etc. did leave. Once I was away and had some breathing room that went away. I still don't like him because I don't respect him but that is based on his actions then, and now. It is legit and without malice. It just is.

Gettingby - so happy to hear you are moving forward with your plans and with your recovery.

GettingBy

Eightball... no worries... I have days where I detach with utter disgust!!!! Life isn't constant. There is no constant, especially with feelings!!

Where I am has been a compilation of evolutions and backslides! Good days and bad days.

I'm glad I'm leaving now while there are still parts of my AH that I love and respect. I'm glad that I still see some good in him and can appreciate that. It helps keep my anger in check, for the most part!!

CXR

At first, I just detached. Period. Yes, there was anger, but I am not sure they were coupled. I just focused on detaching and focusing on me!!! Me! That's what I had to do to survive.

I was very surprised, but after time, I started to hope/pray/wish/whatever you want to call it, good things for her. That to me was a version of love.

Jazzman

I couldn't detach with love, I detached with resolve and dignity. Not anger or bitterness, it's just the type of person I am. I'm very loyal and have this "all or nothing" type of attitude about my partner in life. Either we're together or we're not. Anything in between is just a temporary stage separating the two eventual absolutes of existence.

Alone22

Gettingby I learn so much from you. How you handle yourself, your thoughts, dealing with your AH.... I am always very impressed. Thank you.

JACKRUSSELLGIRL

I have a tough time with the whole detachment thing. If you are detached from your husband how can you have any type of relationship or marriage? I want a 50/50 loving, trusting relationship and if I am detaching (either with love or otherwise) how can I be present in the relationship. Oh well, another thing I struggle with along with separate the man from the disease.

GB, you are such an inspiration to me. You seem to handle this transition with such grace and dignity. I have learned so much from you and I on the same path. Trying to sell house and find a new one for me and the girls.

banisheggshells

I have moments, brief moments, when I wish the best for him.

But mostly, I'm with eightball, I detached with anger. Anger at being lied too, stolen from, embarrassed, just anger.

Gettingby, you did great. I'd bookmark that email though. If he's like my XAH, you are going to be asked about 12 more times during this if you are sure. Mine did. Constantly. I like someone's response I read on here recently "please refer to my email of X date"

sandrawg

Oh man, painful.

I'm sorry. I know that hurts.

I sent the same kind of letter to my exabf time and time again. He never wrote that he understood, tho. Ever. He just always tried to argue with me.

I realized, I should've not gotten bogged down in a ton of other details in my emails. All I needed to say was: you won't stop drinking, so I have no choice.

That's it. Nothing more. Then he couldn't use any other argument or try to spin it to make it about something else.

And of course, on March 14th, when I did finally say JUST that, I got nothing back in response, just a goodbye and a hang up of the phone. After all the years off and on of arguing and going back and forth, that silence was probably the most painful thing he ever did to me.

sandrawg

Frankly, when I hear people talking about detachment in al-anon, meaning detachment for people who are still with alcoholics, I often think it's more suited to people who have siblings, parents, etc. who are alcoholics.

For someone who has the choice to stay or go, it seems like detaching emotionally is yes, healthy for you, but not a longterm strategy. Let's face it, living with an alcoholic is downright damaging and harmful, no matter HOW MUCH you detach. You can detach til the cows come home but at the end of the day, he/ she is going to bleed you dry, financially and spiritually. Seems like that kind of detaching is just the first step to detaching physicially and getting as far away from the train wreck as possible. I say this with 3 months hindsight only seeing my rel'ship in the rear view mirror at this point.

sandrawg

I feel the same way. RIght now my exabf is with a high school gf who is an alcoholic pothead..who has the maturity of a 5 yr old and the IQ of a lima bean. He has talked smack about her. He's in no way shape or form ever gonna make her his gf, but he's fine screwing around with her on the weekends-been doing it for 7 yrs. Just messing w her til something better comes along and what's even sicker is that she knows this. But she is his total doormat. It's gross. How can I respect someone who would do that? Never mind the fact he was sleeping with her and telling me he loved me and asking what to do to stay with me in the same week.

No respect. Not sure I had much to begin with but now it's in the negative zone.

banisheggshells

Sandrawg, I was furious when my AXH hooked up with someone and then moved in with her. We were less than 3 months out from separating, were not officially divorced, nada. Furious. How could he not want to work on himself or how could he not mourn the end of our relationship? I was furious for quite a few months.

Then I learned from all my reading: he just found himself another enabler.

This is going to sound hard to hear, but bear with me: You will be grateful for her someday. I am totally and absolutely grateful that the GF took him over - distracted him. This enabled the kids and I to get ourselves put back together emotionally, financially, etc. By the time she dumped him, we (the kids and I) had worked through so many of our issues and created our own happy, eggshell free world, that there was no way he could come back in the same manner, for any of us. Our lives are amazing now.

So it sounds weird, but be grateful there's another woman distracting him. It hurts like heck, but it does show you his priorities.

Eight Ball

I think learning about detachment and detaching from my AH has been very healthy for me. My AH is also verbal abusive and controlling (reading 'Why Does He Do That by Melodie Beattie currently). Over the past 23yrs I had become completely emeshed in the ups and downs of our marriage and always trying to change me in an effort to make him happy.

In the past 18 months since attending Al-anon, visiting SR and seeing a therapist for a year, I have been able to find me and I am great.

I am so grateful to have found me and I have been noticing a huge 'shift' in my personality these past few weeks. I have found my voice for one and I am giving my opinion more and more in my social activities. I have hobbies of my own, making lots of nice new friends, socialising, belly laughing and planning more things to do. The only way is up for me - I love detaching, its the best thing I have ever done!