GamPad

I noticed a thread here which seemed to be quite old, about 13th stepping. I have been having difficulties with another member which my mother told me was called 13th stepping. From what I gather online, it is the UNWANTED attention of advances of another member.

The person who is bothering me is 35 years older than me, I am 21. He is another male which is what is making the situation worse for me as I am not gay, and he know's this.

It started with him offering rides to meetings, which i took. Then he was offering to collect me from my bus home on weekends and bring me to a meeting and afterwards bring me home, a long way out of his way. which i declined.

Next thing i know ive got messages on my phone which I quote: "LOL are you horny "

I ignore this message and get another one: "OMG I am mortified, that message was for another GUY".

I then reply, explaining how its ok, easy mistake to make.

Now for my kindness I get a message saying: "Thanks for understanding, please don't tell anyone, people don't know I'm gay. I'm just out of a 6 yr gay relationship and I go for younger men my last boyfriend being 19 YEARS younger than me so if you know of any young guys looking for a BF let them know about me, I like YOUNGER MEN."

I don't reply.

I get a text the following two fridays to ask if ill be at the saturday morning meeting, to which i don't reply again.

I then got a text tonight: "I hope things are ok with us, if i'm bothering you and you don't want me to continue texting you please say so and ill delete your number"

I take this to mean that with my number on his phone he cannot resist the urge to text me.

I text him back EXPLICITLY telling him his advances are unwanted and that under no circumstances is he to text me ever again or even to reply to my message. I make it clear that i feel his behaviour is not in the spirit of the fellowship andf that he has made me afraid to attend meetings which i used to feel safe in and desperately need as i am young and new to recovery (nearly a yr).

He IMMEDIATELY replies telling me that I picked up wrong and that he's sorry if thats how i feel and ends the message with the word BYE. (like a sulking child i notice)

My father then texted him from his own phone (anonymously, not givin his name or any detail about himself) saying: "You have been asked nicely not to reply, you will not be asked nicely again.

This man's behaviour has made me afraid to go to meetings and i have not had a meting in over a month now. What can I do within the confines of the meeting itself to have this addressed and this man reprimanded somehow?

How plausible is the attempt I have so far made to get rid of this man?

At the moment he is single handedly ruining my recovery

Eddiebuckle

Go to the meeting. If he approaches you, tell him to back off. My guess is that he will leave you alone, but if he doesn't speak to the chairperson. Unfortunately this stuff does happen, but if you handle it in a calm fashion with the "senior" people in the group, it should stop.

Whatever you do - do not let anyone get in the way of your recovery. Sobriety is a matter of life and death for most of us, keep it in perspective.

Anna

You could delete his texts without reading them.

You could change your phone # so he can't text you anymore.

I'm sorry you're going through this and it's a good lesson in being careful who you give your information to, because this guy sounds like a predator.

Mcribb

Just be Honest with yourself and other people, you don't have to feel horrible about txts from other people. Easier said than done. I would share with a sponser or a person that you feel confortable with in the program. Good luck.

bellakeller

My sponsor loves to say, "Some of us are sicker than others". That's probably true for any segment of any given population.

ulverston

i agree with darklight..
people places or things..basically the external world will always be there right in your face..
stand up to this guy and tell him if he dosn't back off youll kick his arse..
no one has the right to intimidate another..especially when you are trying so hard to recover.
or you could ask to discuss 13 th stepping at a topic meeting and make it clear that you dont appreciate any advances from anyone ..dont make his name known but make it clear to him in front of every one how you feel...
im sure he will get the message

EmeraldRose

I'm sorry you have to deal with that. I know how frustrating it can be...but don't let it ruin your recovery. Go to the meetings. Do not let him intimidate you. Stand up for your rights and what you believe.
If he starts anything in the meeting room you could always say (outloud) that you are not gay and it borders on harassment. Can you talk to the head of the AA meeting? Maybe this person has been a problem before. You won't know until you ask.
Changing your number isn't a great idea since everyone has access to most of the numbers and all he'd have to do is call someone else to get your number. I would take the bull by the horns and tell him to just knock it off.
But don't let it ruin you.

KK9

This always gets their attention. Raise your hand at a closed meeting where he is present and say that "someone in AA is bothering you, contacting you against your wishes. That it's really bothering you and affecting your sobriety. They probably don't realize or are unwilling to accept their attention is unwanted (give him room to back off gracefully) but their attention just feels "wrong" to you."

That's all. No names. No details. Say nothing more to anyone unless he won't back off.
He will. And I bet a lot of people at your meetings know exactly who the guy is.

Here's another tip for you, if you like it... Time away from a drink does not necessarily mean someone is a sane sober minded person. Or have developed the ability to examine their motives. WHAT STEP THEY ARE ON AND HOW HARD THEY WORK THE STEPS ON A DAILY BASIS is!


On a side note.
In general AA is a BAD place to meet dates. But if you must, I STRONGLY suggest you stay out of relationships until you are on your 8th step. And the same for he other person. At least then you're at a point where you're seriously looking at your motives and so are they. It's easier to keep your s*** and their s*** separate.

Good Luck!

P.S. 13 stepping is whenever someone in AA (of any gender) approaches a newcomer (defined as someone who's playable, innocent) seeking a romantic or sexual relationship. There are a lot of people who think this is only something men do to women.... HARDLY! And everybody is pretty innocent about themselves up until the 8th or 9th step.

KK9

Pliable not playable. My iPad has a mind of it's own.

Sugah

Do you have a sponsor? If you do, I'd seek guidance from him first. Perhaps this man who's been bothering you has bothered others in the past.

And just because this man is a member of AA doesn't give him the right to harass you. If he continues after you've asked him not to, file charges.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

Itchy

Block his number on your phone/s. And as far as the meetings, do what was suggested above to stand up in the meeting and say what is going on, and that it is affecting your sobriety. How did he get your number in the first place? I did not give my number to my AA home group until I was there almost three months. I have had gay friends in the past that were friends of mine and my wife. I also have friends who are women who also like men but I am not amenable to their advances either, I am married and happy. I have no issues with any sexual preference.

However, I have zero tolerance for sexual harassment.

I don't know about over in Ireland but here we have laws against that and stalking both of which those actions fall under here. If you find him stalking you when his texts and calls are blocked, then it is time for a legal restraining order and to get his actions at least in official police reports in case you have to defend yourself for real from him in the future.

Just because he is a fellow alcoholic is no reason for you to allow him to have no consequences for such repulsive behavior.