Haon

Well, a lot has gone on this evening, or morning, actually. I haven't lost my family, job, or anything else, yet. I have lost time. Time to being drunk and not playing with my beautiful 4 yr old daughter. Time to causing more turmoil in my wife than I could have imagined because of being drunk. I've delayed plans and advancement simply because being drunk is easier than facing what wonderful opportunities and challenges might be ahead. Time pretending I was nothing like my Dad when all I see in the mirror is him, and not the best parts of him.
I own what I've done in the last 39 years, but I also own what I do with the rest I have left. I think I will find a counselor and start chatting with someone about how I feel. I know I have to change some routines in order to avoid traps I fall into over and over again. I will have to change some friends and maybe even my job.
This is day one and I have a lot of thinking and planning to do. I've had a lot of "day ones" in the last few years, but I can't say that I've ever felt like this on any of them. It's 4:30 in the morning and my mind is racing with so many worries. What if I don't like my life sober? What if I don't like my marriage sober? I know I don't like being drunk and disappointed with myself all the time. I know I want to be a better father, husband, and a good role model for my daughter.
I've been a beer-a-holic for long enough. It's time to write a new chapter. So, 5/24/11 is my day one. I pray it is not my last first in life, but definitely my last day of drinking.

Haon

Went back and read my day one posts from the past year + and just want to stay sober this time. I am so tired of this roller coaster. I have seen myself feel better and be better. How do you keep that planted in your mind when you hear that whisper that one beer wouldn't hurt anything. One beer won't make you drunk, it will just make you more social; that guy that everyone wants to laugh and joke with.
I'll be honest, I don't want to go to a 12 step program, but I might visit a meeting. Is it acceptable to just visit without diving into the program? Not sure what avenue to take to sobriety, but I've proven I can't do it alone, just not philosophically aligned with AA. Well, as I said, my mind is racing with what comes next.
Off to shower up and go to work. I'll be checking in throughout the day, as I am sure I'll need the support. Thanks to all of you wonderful souls on here for your continued support of those that get up and fall down so much.

OklaBH

I love your post. You certainly have a lot of conviction. I've stopped and started a million times. Just make a decision every morning "Im not going to drink today" Ask God on the morning to keep you sober that one day. Thinking about not drinking beyond today will drive you nuts. I have sabatoged myself that way.

3steeds

It seems we have to really hit the bottom before we just give in and say enough is enough. I quit lots of times....for a while. 24 days ago I hit rock bottom. That day was the moment I realized I can not continue living the way I was. I cant tell you if you will like the sober life since 24 days is the longest Ive been sober in many years, but I can tell that you too cant keep living the way you are. Sometimes its hitting rock bottom that is the only thing that will make a change. It was for me. After drinking so many years its hard to change your life style.It is for me. I hope the best for you.

OklaBH

Absolutely! I strongly encourage you to go to an AA meeting. You dont have to share, buy a book or anything. Just say "Im here to listen" It will help you immensley

daveinmd

Today is a wonderful day to stop drinking and change your life. I dont believe you can do one without the other. I'm a sober member of AA also and I recommend it too. I hit many bottoms also, but there is allways farther to fall. Please find an online meeting and and help others by letting them help you. Alchoholism is almost impossible to control alone, we need help, from people who have the same problems and concerns. People who know our pains and our problems. AA and other help groups can offer that. June 24 would be a great day to celebrate a month clean, a great day to look back at the lonliness, anger , jeolousy, pride, and resentments that feed our disease. There is a meeting here on this site on wednesday nights at 9pm eastern time. I would love to see you there.

Lipitor

Stop drinking and change your life... from one pathetic alcoholic to another..WE HAVE THE POWER TO MAKE OUR LIVES AMAZING. Never forget that..

Im not talking about being a movie superstar..., just a lovely person and someone who is good in themselves, happy with who they are..

It has been a long hard journey for me. Im such a mess .but one day at a time ...IM not drinking...

I am the biggest liar in the world , the fakest person ..but I know this....I can be better if I dont drink...if i dont fall back to the old patterns...

trust me..

your life will get so much better if you dont drink

simple really

L

Haon

Thank you Dave. I didn't even think of online meeting attendance! HA! I will try to make it happen. Thank you again for your support.

keithj

I don't know of anybody that wanted to have that experience prior to actually having it. I came to AA as a staunch atheist who thought the idea of a higher power was a crutch for weak-minded sheep. But, I found myself in that same position that the recovered alcoholics who put together the BB were in.

They described my own experience of being unable to quit on willpower, fear, self-knowledge or human reliance. They described that mental obsession of being stone cold sober, thinking everything was fine, and picking up a drink again for some trivial reason. They described the hopelessness and futility of my life.

Turned out, that I didn't know what I didn't know. There I was, drunk again, just convinced I knew how to stay sober and knew AA wasn't for me. What a load of bunk. AA ended up being the greatest gift of my life.

Personally, I wouldn't half-measure it. If you can stay sober without it, why bother?

LaFemme

Hi Haon and welcome to the rest of tour life... living a life free of drugs is the best thing I have ever done...the key word is "free"...there is a lightness of the soul when alcohol no longer drags you down. There will be an adjustment phase but once you get used to it I am pretty sure you will love life sober I can guarantee your little girl will be ecstatic to have a sober Daddy

LaFemme

Haon

Believe me, Kieth, I have no problem with my religious beliefs. Probably more intimidated by things I've heard about the program than I should be. So, I'll attend some meetings and see what I think. Thank you for the encouragement from everyone.

Mark75

How do you know? Did you read the book?

If you go to a meeting, and you are fortunate to get to a good solution based meeting, you might want to learn more... Get the book!

Kjell

Hi Haon-

I know how you feel b/c I've been there before. In that place where you don't like who you are and what you do, but don't know how to do anything different.

We can change ourselves. We can and do recover.

You can be living proof.

Maybe it's time to let go of some old ideas?

Kjell~

Haon

Thanks, Kjell. You are right, it is time for something new.

Mark, I will go to a meeting and take it from there. I know I need help, and it looks like a good place to start.

Anna

Hi,

It sounds like you're ready to live a sober life. There are many ways to recover and I think the bottom line is that you need to be really motivated to want to recover. And, recovery has to be incorporated into your life every day. You're right about possibly changing friends/jobs/beliefs. Stopping drinking is the beginning of the journey. Then the hard work begins - looking at the underlying issues of why you're drinking and changing yourself. It's scary but amazing!

Dee74

Hi Haon

I really identify with realising how much time and opportunities I squandered.

I did not like the man I'd become - I depised him in fact - but with a lot of hard work - and a willingness to go as least as far as the extraordinary lengths I used to go to get a drink - I turned things around, slowly...but surely.

I know you can too
Congrats on day one

D

artsoul

Keep hanging in there - it will get better. Life isn't easy, but we make it a whole lot worse when we keep drinking.

Now, when I have an image of a bottle of wine or beer, I superimpose a skull and crossbones on it...... Even that buzz that we used to chase all the time is a result of drinking something that's poisonous to our bodies and brains.

We're here for you!

pennywistle

I worry about this myself; but I would rather not like my life while sober than not like my life while drinking.

Thank you for being here! I wish you a pleasant and fulfilling journey!

ControlledOne

Holy crap, man. Your message hit home so hard. I feel for you in the worst way. I have made a similar post about 2 years ago and found myself drinking again. I tacked on another kid on top of my 3 year old daughter at the time.

I have been sober for a week now (binge drinker). Got a DUI and ride a bike to the bus. It's life now. I went to an AA meeting last week and plan on going again this week. I'm inching into it.

I would suggest doing what you have to in order to correct the problem. It doesn't get better. I don't even attempt to offer advice except to listen and accept what folks here and in support meetings have to say. You can do it man. From a 38 year old Dad to another, my blessings.

DUNE

I strongly agree with your viewpoint on aa. Just like most people, I decided to disagree with something, even before I understood what that something really was.

Haon, I think you should at least check it out in person, and learn about how the program works. Obsession of the mind, spiritual awakening, etc. I doubt you will have any regrets about learning how it is all suposed to work in aa. If anythig, going to some meeting will probably make abstaining from alcohol an easier thing for you to do.