Fight or Flight
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 82
Fight or Flight
I was headed to my red-eye flight and decided to stop off at a bar to get a glass of wine (or two) with outdoor seating since I had time to kill before the airport. As I was enjoying my wine and looking at my streetview, I looked to the side and my xAbf was walking toward me about 40 feet away! My initial reaction was to duck behind my table's upright displayed menus. I wasn't sure if he saw me, since I only got a glance, not to mention if he wasn't expecting to see me--i may have just faded into the background of the [small] crowd on the street.
Anyway, when i looked back, I saw him going into a store next to the bar-so I hurriedly got my check and paid. When I got out on the street, however, he walked out of the store (20 feet away)... and he SLOWLY started walking back to where he came from (i.e. the opposite direction of where I was standing).
::sigh:: my reactions are mixed. I cant believe, after all of this time of "wishing" i'd have some accidental run-in, that I ducked and hid. part of me gets angry thinking that he saw me and ignored me--but then, it hits me that well... I IGNORED (or hid from) HIM! so, then i get sad... realizing, this is where we are at... pretending that the other doesn't exist?! then, im in shock of how vulnerable I still am, because I ended up bawling on my entire red-eye flight-staring out of the window and silently sobbing with tears streaming down my face. it was heart-wrenching seeing him--and i didn't realize it still would be--not after all of this logic telling me why i shouldn't be in love with him anymore... but in fact, i am still in love. IT'S SO UNFAIR THAT TO GROW UP MEANS TO NO LONGER LISTEN TO YOUR HEART
so, this is where i am. i KINDA want to reach out (probably via text or email) and just say something along the lines of "i saw you... you may have seen me ducking and trying to ignore you... and for that, im sorry. it was an automatic reaction because i realize im scared to run into you".
i haven't sent anything coz logic has me running down the list of his possible reactions or what could ensue, and I'm scared. I'm scared of inciting anger (i.e. "i cant belive you have the balls to even contact me after all of the hurtful crap you said to me!!... im so miserable now because of you... im drinking so much because of you... etc etc"). or, getting further rejected--him not giving me a response or something or saying something like "yeah, i saw you and ignored you--didn't you take the hint that i never wanna see you ever again!?"
i feel pathetic. and i hate that im so afraid of his reactions and that's why i "flew"... because i cant even let myself think that a contact would be "ok" and "neutral" and "not melodramatic".
Anyway, when i looked back, I saw him going into a store next to the bar-so I hurriedly got my check and paid. When I got out on the street, however, he walked out of the store (20 feet away)... and he SLOWLY started walking back to where he came from (i.e. the opposite direction of where I was standing).
::sigh:: my reactions are mixed. I cant believe, after all of this time of "wishing" i'd have some accidental run-in, that I ducked and hid. part of me gets angry thinking that he saw me and ignored me--but then, it hits me that well... I IGNORED (or hid from) HIM! so, then i get sad... realizing, this is where we are at... pretending that the other doesn't exist?! then, im in shock of how vulnerable I still am, because I ended up bawling on my entire red-eye flight-staring out of the window and silently sobbing with tears streaming down my face. it was heart-wrenching seeing him--and i didn't realize it still would be--not after all of this logic telling me why i shouldn't be in love with him anymore... but in fact, i am still in love. IT'S SO UNFAIR THAT TO GROW UP MEANS TO NO LONGER LISTEN TO YOUR HEART
so, this is where i am. i KINDA want to reach out (probably via text or email) and just say something along the lines of "i saw you... you may have seen me ducking and trying to ignore you... and for that, im sorry. it was an automatic reaction because i realize im scared to run into you".
i haven't sent anything coz logic has me running down the list of his possible reactions or what could ensue, and I'm scared. I'm scared of inciting anger (i.e. "i cant belive you have the balls to even contact me after all of the hurtful crap you said to me!!... im so miserable now because of you... im drinking so much because of you... etc etc"). or, getting further rejected--him not giving me a response or something or saying something like "yeah, i saw you and ignored you--didn't you take the hint that i never wanna see you ever again!?"
i feel pathetic. and i hate that im so afraid of his reactions and that's why i "flew"... because i cant even let myself think that a contact would be "ok" and "neutral" and "not melodramatic".
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: bay area, ca
Posts: 87
Gentle hugs to you, forgotten - go easy on yourself. It is ok to duck/ignore/choose flight option if you don't feel ready to face him yet - give yourself time to heal. Also, please remember it is NOT your fault if he is drinking himself silly (quote "im drinking so much because of you... " unquote) - remember the 3Cs. I don't know your whole story but are you currently NC with him? If so, it might not be a good idea to break that with the text. hope you feel better soon.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
IMHO - your first gut reaction (to hide) was the right one for you right now. Listen to it, know its there to protect you, and don't feel bad or second guess your motives.
You are not ready for the accidental run-in. It's ok. No need to reach out and apologize because you didn't do anything wrong.
You are not ready for the accidental run-in. It's ok. No need to reach out and apologize because you didn't do anything wrong.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 152
Forgotten1, it seems like I can always relate to just EXACTLY what you are saying. I would have totally been dreaming of the accidental run ins, ducked and hid when it did actually happen, dissected it and then felt sad and cried about it, then finally debated whether or not to say something. Don't beat yourself up about it, I honestly do think it is a natural way to feel and react to the situation. I can understand where you are coming from because it hurts that this isn't the way we saw it working out to be in our heads.
Even though it is so tough, you really do have to separate your heart and mind's thoughts. Just remember that the reaction of you ducking and hiding is a clear indication that when put on the spot you showed you weren't ready to make contact. I think you should just wait it out and give it some time, even though it's going to be VERY VERY hard. It is okay to cry about it and be sad, but try not to dwell on it too much. You will feel better as each day passes even if it doesn't seem like that in the beginning.
Even though it is so tough, you really do have to separate your heart and mind's thoughts. Just remember that the reaction of you ducking and hiding is a clear indication that when put on the spot you showed you weren't ready to make contact. I think you should just wait it out and give it some time, even though it's going to be VERY VERY hard. It is okay to cry about it and be sad, but try not to dwell on it too much. You will feel better as each day passes even if it doesn't seem like that in the beginning.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: NJ
Posts: 93
The same thing (different setting) happened to me with my ex-GF. Not an alcoholic, but smokes pot occasionally. Anyway, I had the same reaction, but did different. Doesn't matter.
You aren't ready. It's OK. You don't need to explain yourself. You are healthy and you are in a healthy place. Don't beat yourself up over this. You'll be ready when you'll be ready. That's all. You are just not ready now.
It's really OK. Stay strong. No need to e-mail or text and get defensive. Focus on YOU!
You aren't ready. It's OK. You don't need to explain yourself. You are healthy and you are in a healthy place. Don't beat yourself up over this. You'll be ready when you'll be ready. That's all. You are just not ready now.
It's really OK. Stay strong. No need to e-mail or text and get defensive. Focus on YOU!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
I would argue that you are not still in love. You are still addicted. What you experienced was the same feeling alcoholics get when they see their drink of choice.
While alcoholics begin romancing the drink before they actually drink it, people like us romance the alcoholic before we actually engage (despite how miserable they make us, we still say we love them, we miss them, we can't live without them, they are our one true love-- it makes me puke because it's all ********).
I'm not saying kick yourself over this, but I am saying recognize it for what it is-- the manifestation of your codependency and/or addiction to alcoholics/addicts/drama and/or emotionally unavailable men.
If you are not already in recovery through Alanon, Counseling, or some other program please consider doing just that.
Take care, take what you want, and leave the rest.
Cyranoak
P.s. The good news is that at some level you get it. You protected yourself and hid. That's fantastic! Solve for the "I still love him" thing and you'll be even better off.
While alcoholics begin romancing the drink before they actually drink it, people like us romance the alcoholic before we actually engage (despite how miserable they make us, we still say we love them, we miss them, we can't live without them, they are our one true love-- it makes me puke because it's all ********).
I'm not saying kick yourself over this, but I am saying recognize it for what it is-- the manifestation of your codependency and/or addiction to alcoholics/addicts/drama and/or emotionally unavailable men.
If you are not already in recovery through Alanon, Counseling, or some other program please consider doing just that.
Take care, take what you want, and leave the rest.
Cyranoak
P.s. The good news is that at some level you get it. You protected yourself and hid. That's fantastic! Solve for the "I still love him" thing and you'll be even better off.
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