XXXXXXXXXX

So exabf called today and we had a good chat, it was nice.

Then

A text at 330 that said he was having a bad day and trying to hold it together. I was too busy to call, but sent a text back that said stay strong and use your head. He texted back that he wanted to talk to me, I said I would later.

When I called at 7 I could hear it in his voice, and he was ranting about an argument with his dad. I said I had to go.
He said "you don't want to talk to me because you think I'm drinking". He. Denied it and then told me I was crazy. I said goodnight and hung up.

Then the threat, I want to talk to you, and if you won't I'm going to the bar. I didn't respond. He has called 12 times since and sent multiple texts that no sober man would even consider texting.

Has it ever been "your fault" that your a needed to drink?

I know it's quacking.

Here I am, living with my parents, trying to hold on to some glimmer of hope, and he gives me no other choice but to move on.

He also asked why I left? Really?

ANEWAUGUST

That whole you make me drink line of thinking is this disease shining thru.

Unless he truly works some form of a recovery program, his quacking will not change.

He knows why you left, he just thought that after a friendly conversation earlier in the day, you were willing to be sucked back into his disease..

Have you tried no contact for any length of time?

jamaicamecrazy

Not during a particular episode but once during a counseling session when we were discussing separation he actually said that he would be drinking less after I moved out because I was the reason he drank. He drank in order to stay with me. That is when I knew that he had lost all sense of reality. I calmly said to him" You drank before I met you, you drank all through our marriage and you will probably continue to drink after I'm gone. I hope I am wrong. I rather be wrong about this. I hope you can prove me wrong. I will take responsibility for my part in what went wrong in our marriage but I will not take responsibility for you choosing to drink or choosing to go outside our marriage for a relationship." He was uncharacteristically silent. The bottom line-he is hanging out at the bar, making weekly purchases at the liquor store, and was falling down drunk after his father's memorial service. He even had a bottle of vodka on his nightstand.
I know it hurt to have him say that. But you know nothing could be further from the truth. Use it to gain strength when you need to remember why you are away from the insanity.

lillamy

Hell yeah. It's because I was such an awful excuse for a wife that he started drinking so much that he became an alcoholic. But he is such a generous soul that he's offered me an opportunity to come back and be a better wife to him.

sandrawg

Oh, I was blamed for EVERRRYTHING.

From him going behind my back with his ex from high school who was still pursuiing him while we were together, to him putting a gun in his mouth during a phone argument (that was my bottom.)

Alcoholics have a BIG inability to accept responsibility for ANYTHING. That is why they suck as partners (ONE of the reasons. We know there are 100 + more.)

sandrawg

The "why did you leave" thing cracks me up too. The exabf has rewritten history to show that HE left. Because he just "stopped trying, he couldn't fit into the shoes I wanted him to fit into" or some NONSENSE. That's so he doesn't have to face that I left HIM over the drinking.

outonalimb

My exah says he can't quit drinking unless he moves back into my home with me and our son. He says he doesn't need rehab...he doesn't need help from professionals...he just needs to live with us and we will provide the support he needs to finally quit drinking.

Funny, he had that support for years and it didn't do a thing for him.

I might have fallen for this line in the past. Hell, I fell for it a whole bunch of times. But not anymore. If he wants recovery, he'll have to find it on his own. NO more front seat to the drama for me or our son.

I'm sure the fact that he can't live here...that I 'took his family away from him and ripped his heart out'... will be his latest and greatest reason for drinking.

RECF

Just to share a story: One time, a friend was visiting. I told him about the AH's problem MULTIPLE times, but he brought a bottle anyway - and beers for the night. I did my trick which was to take sips off of mine and then dump the rest in the kitchen to keep him from drinking too much. All went well. We went to bed, the bottle unopened on the table. The next day I go to work (AH hasn't worked for 1.5yrs) but I stop. The bottle. I hide it in the bedroom.
After work, my AH is passed out on the floor!!!
When he comes to some hours later, he actually sits me down and has me repeat like an idiot:
HIM: "So, what do you do when someone hides something?"
ME: "You look for it?"
HIM: "That's right, you look for it..."

In his twisted mind, if I'd left it on the table he WOULDN'T have drunk it, ergo "His Drinking=My Fault":rotfxko

LifesALongSong

Heck ya its my fault she drinks ! Thats what she said. Ahh, the good all finger pointing game.

Its funny when the A's grap that bottle they got 4 fingers pointing right back at them !

GettingBy

Yuppers... my AH told that one to my neighbor this weekend. "She won't support me NOT drinking... so why should I bother trying to stay sober? She's taking away my family and ruining my home... she's making me drink."

Neighbor said to me, "You really won't support him?"

I clarified it with, "No, he asked me to monitor his drinking and remind him that he only wants to drink 3. He wants me to tell him to stop when he opens the fourth beer. I told him that's not supporting, that's mothering."

Good god.

:horse

bellakeller

You are not his mother, his sponsor, his keeper or his higher power. I admire the way you protect yourself from his nonsense. The guy's a piece of work.

Hang in there!

Much love.

StarCat

Substitute "girlfriend" for "wife" and that's me!
Actually, you could substitute "fiance" as well, because even though I wasn't, even though he never asked (until much later, while in rehab, after I told him that I didn't love him anymore!), he liked to throw the word around a lot towards the end.

Tuffgirl

My RAH used to tell me that I didn't MAKE him drink, but I sure made him WANT to drink. Well...there were times he made me want to punch him in the face, but I didn't.

Shellcrusher

Quackity Quack, Don't talk back.

erikm02

Block his number imo

He's an ex for a reason. Can't stand creepy dudes that do this, give us guys a bad rep

MeredithD1

+1 !! good job on knowing when to get out of the conversation, XXXXX(...)!!

sandrawg

People I know in AA have joked that they used to use EVERY excuse under the sun for drinking.

I had a bad childhood! Let's drink

My wife is always on my back about drinking! Let's drink

It's St. Patrick's Day! Let's drink

It's New Year's! Let's drink

It's Thursday! Let's drink

The sun is up! Let's drink

etc.

Ya'al get the picture, I'm sure.

sandrawg

BAHAHAHAHAHA! I love this!

sandrawg

Wow-how insane that they even try to manipulate outsiders like that.

Obviously your neighbor has no experience w/alcoholics or they might have seen right through that cr*p..

sandrawg

YUP YUP YUP!!!

There is peace in NO CONTACT. So long as he's drinking, ice his calls.

And tell him that.

I told my ex "until and unless you get sober, DO NOT CONTACT ME."

Makes it blatantly clear that the drinking is unacceptable, and losing you is the consequence.