CXR

My alcoholic wife engaged me today. She sucked me right into a conversation that turned into a fight. Started out innocent enough. That's what should have tipped me off. LOL. Anyway, she started in with me, then got into the "changed my mind" and "don't want to discuss it" -- only after she got to dump on me and criticize me. The whole thing seems simple enough. I caught myself getting sucked in and immediately got back on track.

However, there's more to it now. There is something bothering me. I am angry. I am angry at her, for her behavior, her drinking, her disgusting habits, and everything else. I am angry that this has been part of my life for 3 years now. She conned me into thinking things would get better the first year, but the last two I knew it wasn't going to get better. I am OK with that. Divorce doesn't bother me. But I am the one who has to pay for all of this -- massive loss on the sale of the house, alimony, assumption of debt (probably), and turmoil.

So I've had to deal with her more these past two weeks than before, but her BS has bothered me more. I can't seem to let go of some of the anger. I am the one who has to deal with the ramifications of her drinking. She gets to sleep it off, sleep late, sleep in the afternoons, etc. I am the one who has to get up, go to work, take time off to deal with her BS, etc. I am the one who has to come home to the disgusting drunk. Most of the time, I am OK. I detach, I don't enable her. But recently I've had trouble letting go and getting past the anger. I don't feel sorry for her.

How do you get past and let go of the anger? How do you not let their sickness make you angry? I stay healthy, detach, not enable, by going to meetings and working what I've learned. But it's hard. There are so many hours in the day. Hard to stay on track all the time.

Thanks for your help in advance.

Thumper

I was able to let go of the anger when I could move on. Which you are doing. It is a really difficult and overwhelming time right now. It won't always be like this.

putmeontheair

The saddest thing for me, I think, is that I am not angry anymore. That makes me sad, because I think that what caused me to let go of that anger was also letting go of hope. This is how things are and they will ge that way until I leave.

I still get frustrated, but I just find it impossible to care anymore.

jayscott

Agree. I still get angry if I let myself think about things for too long.

forgotten1

for me, ive been cycling in and out of anger for months... they're getting less frequent, but it still happens--so, i have a feeling it's something that's going to take its own time--just let it flow through you and dont bottle it in...

tjp613

My therapist says our intense emotions serve a purpose: they provide information about what actions we need to take in our lives.

When I look up Anger (moderate anger, as opposed to "Annoyed" or "Furious") on this little cheat sheet she gave me it says that this emotion is telling us "to focus attention on something you want to change".

So, yes, unless something really changes in your world it makes sense that you will continue to be angry....because "change" is what your heart truly seeks. So if you ACCEPT that she will not change, then you have to accept YOU are the one who must affect a change.

I"m sure this is nothing new to you.

In any given situation when we are experiencing a negative emotion, we have only 4 choices:

1) Get out of the situation
2) Accept the situation
3) Change how you feel about the situation
or
4) Stay miserable.

How do I let go of anger? I'm not very good at it (hence the $500/mo for therapy!), but it does help me to note a few things: that the anger does not serve any fruitful purpose and pushes the ultimate goal further from my grasp. I keep my eye on the prize. I try to stay in the moment/live for today and today only. I practice compassion and try to take the high road. I know there will be an end soon. I hold on to my serenity with everything I've got. Bitterness is just not worth it. There's just no payoff.

What you resist persists.

ACCEPTANCE is the key.

sandrawg

I'd have to second that. I am only 2 months out of having given my exabf the ultimatum about his drinking. I still have so much anger about his lies and broken promises. I can only hope it will dissipate with time. I've heard people up here say it can take a yr or maybe more, to get fully past a relationship with an alcoholic. There's so many complications you dealt with, and pain and trauma. Often there was verbal abuse and violence when the ex was drinking.

wanttobehealthy

Oh how maddening that bolded part is-- good for you though for walking away from it and getting back on track. I haven't mastered that one!

I know that there are good answers like
- remember it's a disease and she's not getting away with anything-- she's miserable too in her own way
- focus on all that is good
- focus on your recovery...

and all that advice is helpful and great, but sometimes you just feel angry and it's okay (according to me at least! LOL). I have no idea how to get past the anger... I think that it's part of the process and I'm letting myself feel what I feel these days and trusting that there's a reason for it. Rather than fight what I feel I am feeling it, going through it, not denying it- whatever it is- however irrational or not- and that usually helps me get past it more than anything else...

All the things you're angry about are things I can relate to well and you have a right to be angry. I was reading 'Getting Them Sober' last night and it was talking about accepting your anger as a part of what is normal for "us" to feel. I guess it's when the anger consumes us/takes over and we can't get out from under it or it starts to impact all areas of our life that we need to figure out a way to lessen it... From how I read your post- it sounds like you're angry with your wife's behavior but not the whole world and fwiw your anger sounds reasonable to me... I think that anger gets a bad rap. Sometimes it's healthy to say "I'm angry" and get it out and then move on... But that's just me (well, and my therapist)

Sylvie66

Time is the only cure I can think of. I had tremendous anger, all my life. I couldn't properly deal with how my ABF's drinking affected me until I learned to not lose my temper. It's been a year, and sometimes I get annoyed that I'm spending time going to AlAnon or SR - thinking I wouldn't have to be here if it weren't for his stupid problem. But then I remember: his drinking was the catalyst to my recovery. I'm doing the recovery, on issues that are deep-seated and uncomfortable, issues that I had long before I met him.

- Sylvie

Cyranoak

You get past it with Alanon, SR, and leaving her-- not necessarily in that order. You have suffered for three years, I suffered for 7. I'm telling you now you don't want four more years of it, or more. In my opinion it's just not worth it.

Is there even one thing she's doing that indicates to you she's going to stop?

Take what you want and leave the rest.

Cyranoak

P.s. Leaving her cost me a house. It was worth it. Good God was it worth it. I'd do it again in a heartbeat.

P.p.s. Staying with her cost me three cars and two houses. Staying with her was not worth it. I'd never do it again, and I'll never buy a house with a woman again (I'll rent out my house and buy another place with her, I'll rent out my house and live with her in her house, or we can rent a house together, but never will my house become part of the mix again-- ever). Also, going forward my car is mine, her car is hers, and never the twain shall meet-- ever.

laurie6781

You know sometimes it is OK to be angry at the 'person.'

However, I have found that because of this disease/affliction whatever you want to call it, the alcoholic lives in an 'altered' reality that will never match ours. The alcohol keeps them in the 'altered reality.' Thus we can get sucked back in by the manipulation and/or their venting and spewing on us.

I suspect your are more angry at her words and actions then at her. The words and actions are a by product of her alcoholism.

As stated above you have some 'choices.'

No one here can tell you to leave or stay. Based on this and other threads it does look like you are choosing to leave. That is your option and that is fine, many due. There is no tablet in some desert that says you have to stay and 'help' her, because you and we know you cannot.

So vent your anger here, and keep moving forward with those baby steps to make YOU whole again. Your wife will or will not find recovery in hers and HPs time not yours or ours.

Please know that we/I do understand. Know that we/I have been there. We/I know that it 'sucks.' But in the end we/I have to take care of ourselves.

Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing (and so far it sounds like you are using the tools you have been given and are growing and changing) as we do care so very much.

Love and hugs,

outonalimb

I can't cut my exah out of my life completely because we have a son in common.

It took alot of work and time...but today I can say that my exah's addiction can't impact me financially any more. He can't wreak havoc in my daily life. I'm not a slave to his addiction. I think this is why I"m not angry anymore. Not much anyway.

The one thing I can't insulate myself from is the fact that he's still my son's dad. I get to be mom and dad to our son and my heart breaks when he says he doesn't have a father in his life he can look up to and respect. That hurts. Sometimes it makes me angry.

But there's nothing I can do to change this. So I'm learning to let it go.

No answers I guess...Just understanding...

CXR

I hear you. I really don't care any longer. I don't have any hope for our marriage as I do want out of it. Early on, when maybe there was hope, I got angry because she was "ruining" any shot we might have had. I then decided it was time to move on. Your first loss is your best lost.

CXR

Agreed. Thank you. It's what I try and do -- every single day, every incident, and so on. I accepted long ago she was not going to change. Change is coming, slowly, but it's coming. Thanks again.

CXR

Thank you. When the anger used to consume, I was sick. Very unhealthy. I do think to some extent, anger or getting angry is OK. Thanks again.

CXR

Thank you very much.

Whenever clients come to me about divorce, I always tell them one thing -- always.

I explain to them that the reason why divorce is so expensive is because it's worth it. It truly is. I hear everything you are saying, and I agree. I am not looking for her to stop. I went to the attorneys, first. I took action, first.

Thanks again.

CXR

Thank you very much.

Tuffgirl

Ha ha...are those resentments showing? But hell I think we have all been around the block of being taken to the cleaners in some form or another...be it financial or unrecognized/unappreciated labor...we all have anger toward the situation.

Just today on the way home I had a huge flash of anger...I made my first house payment this month, plus all of the start up utilities, on top of being a single parent with no child support...I am broke, broke, broke. Four years of marriage and I end up with less than nothing - had to start over, buy my own house again, replace furniture, go through the upheaval - because he's an alcoholic?! Oh yeah - when I get going down that road, watch out...I can go from 0 to 60 in 10 seconds.

But then I remember who put me in this position to begin with. ME. I chose this, I did the best I could with the information I had, I got myself into it and I am getting myself out of it (or at least putting a great deal of distance between the RAH and me, financially and emotionally). I can choose to be angry or not. And walking into MY house being met by excited and grateful dogs instead of an angry drunk...worth every dollar I make. Like Cyranoak - I will never again let go of my assets (all of them, damnit) on a promise from another.

Being angry seems pointless now. I'd rather go do something fun and interesting.

Alone22

I am so close to this. I can tell I am caring less and less and only focused on the sadness of it all. While I am not ready to give up yet, I can tell by my thoughts and actions that I am heading in that direction. I am angry at the disease and sorry for the man. It is completely changing who he is and how he relates to others.

posiesperson

Thanks for this thread and all the comments.

I haven't been around much lately but so appreciate being able to count on this space being here.

I, too, am angry with my exH tonight, so don't have the kind of perspective I might like to be able to offer you. What I can say is, every part of this journey (it's been almost 5 years since we separated, and I'm angry tonight b/c of kid and money issues) has been full of useful lessons. Not easy, but useful. Alanon meetings, having a sponsor and a therapist all help to keep me moving forward into the life that I want, the one that helps me to find serenity even when I'm in the midst of a storm.

That doesn't mean that I don't have my moments, like tonight...but they just don't derail my entire life anymore. Yes, it's hard to stay on track. Sometimes I don't stay exactly on the track I want, but it's only a matter of time (usually a very short time) before I'm feeling serenity again, one day at a time, if I work the program instead of the problem. Wishing you peace~

Hugs,
posie