Thoughts, please

Old 05-22-2011, 07:09 AM
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Thoughts, please

Hello: I have been reading the boards daily and have learned so much. With the help of all of you, I have come along way in my relationship with my AS.

AS has been using crystal meth for 8 yrs. now. He has two children (13 &14)that come from another state for summer visits. They have always stayed with me. Sometimes, AS is available to visit, sometimes not. He had just gotten out of jail last year when the kiddos were due to come for the summer. I allowed him to stay in our home (thinking jail cured him). It was a nice visit. Soon as the kids went home, he started using again. So in a years time, he has had short visits in jail, lost his drivers license for not paying fines and has little had little jobs (pay under the table kind).

The grandkids are so excited to come soon. I just don't know what to do about AS. If I do not allow him to see the kids, he will be furious. I have not seen him in 6 months and he lives 1/2 mile away from me. He still drives but has no license, insurance or registration. I don't know how he is doing.

I am thinking that maybe it is not a good idea to have the kids this summer. It will be a huge disappoint to them. They think their dad is doing good.

Any thoughts would be appreciated.
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Old 05-22-2011, 07:12 AM
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Where is their mother in all this? Do you have a good relationship with her? Perhaps she can explain to them that their dad is not doing well and that it would be best if they didn't visit this summer. Either that, or if you want to, you can have them stay with you and allow your son to visit as he can while they are there, but not allow him to stay in your home overnight.
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Old 05-22-2011, 07:29 AM
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The relationship with Mother is strained. We plan and pay for the trip and send the info e-mail to the Mother. We are fortunate that she trusts us with the safety of her children. AS does not pay child support, so we do get the kids school clothes. I think that may have something to do with it.

Maybe we should let her know our concerns without talking badly about our son. Really, she should be able to make the decision, not us.

Two years ago, our son was arrested while the kids were here. We called Mother right away and let her know. All she said was "Oh, ok." And that was about it.

Maybe, what I asking is.....would this be enabling son to see his kids. Maybe, not seeing them would make a difference in his addiction???? I do know that he loves them very much but is unable to care for them.

Just asking......
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Old 05-22-2011, 07:39 AM
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No, seeing his kids or not seeing his kids won't have an affect on his addiction. You say he was arrested while his kids where there two years ago. That pretty much confirms that seeing his kids has no effect on his addiction. Any decisions you make should be for your own well-being and that of the children.
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Old 05-22-2011, 12:09 PM
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Desertrose, I agree that seeing or not seeing his kids will not make a difference in his addiction. I also agree that your decisions should be focused on what is ultimately best for you and the grandkids. Speaking from personal experience, my grand-kids have always been my downfall into enabling & taking on responsibilites that are not mine. I need to put the focus back on me. And hope that you will do the same.

Hugs,
Chris
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Old 05-22-2011, 01:34 PM
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DesertRose,
I sit for our grandson from our oldest AS every Tues. Thurs. and Sat. (and I love every minute)

The situation between my son and his ex GF is very strained, she even filed domestic abuse charges against him. (they were recently dropped)

But...My son KNOWS his son is here. If he wishes to visit, and he's sober, that's okay with me.

IF you think your son is using, then IMO, kids come first, no contact.

Do YOU want the kids to come, or are you feeling as a grandparent, a responsibilty to have them there?

OR...if your son wants to see thie kids, make a prearranged mtg. at McDonalds, or somewhere.

Hugs..................
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Old 05-22-2011, 03:46 PM
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Tough situation. My son is also a meth addict. He has a five year old son who comes to spend one weekend a month with my husband and I. I use to let my son know when his son was going to be here but in all honesty.....I would be setting myself up with an expectation of my son being there and being a father. It seldom happened that way. He loves his son but in active addiction, he is not really capable of being a parent. I don't mean that as a judgement of him. It just is what it is.

I also realized that I was putting myself in the middle of everything. In between my son and his son. In between my son and his exgf. It seemed to me that I was trying to keep everything "together" and it's not my job to do that.

I'm now enjoying the time I get with my grandson, I don't inform his father (and by the way, his father doesn't really ask either) and I make the visits about my grandson and us (his grandparents). Not about whether he's going to see his daddy or not.

One thing I have to agree with others about......my son's relationship with his son will not make him use or make him stop......unless it becomes my son's decision and his priority. My involvement, allowing him to see his son, disallowing him to see his son....none of that really makes a difference until the addict decides it does.

An entire summer is a tough situation. Children always add a difficult dimension to any situation involving addiction.

gentle hugs
ke
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Old 05-22-2011, 04:56 PM
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TY for your replies. Believe or not, I feel like I know each and everyone of you. I have been reading these boards...for that long of time!!!!

Everything I have read, I knew was the right way to go. Sometimes, when children are involved it can get confusing. Felt like I was fogged up.

My husband and I read everything and are feeling very comfortable with bringing the g-kids here for a few days and then taking them on a river rafting trip (we think we can still do it!!) on the Colorado river. AS will be invited....he won't go. Can't find meth in the wilderness!!!

We know we are running out of time with them. The grandson will be 15 next summer and will be able to go to work in the state they live in. He really wants to do this so he will have his own money.

We are going to do what is best for the kids and us. If our AS balks, too bad. Nothing changes if nothing changes.

I have felt that we were in the middle for a long time. I was trying to make sure AS got to see his kids. After all, when he cleaned up, he would be grateful that I had done that for him. NOT

I also read the sticky about talking to children about addiction. I may order a book or two and let the kids know what is going on in a gentle way.

I am working this program and so grateful that you all cared to give me your thoughts.
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Old 05-23-2011, 07:58 AM
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Originally Posted by Desertrose View Post
My husband and I read everything and are feeling very comfortable with bringing the g-kids here for a few days and then taking them on a river rafting trip (we think we can still do it!!) on the Colorado river.
This sounds wonderful!

Unfortunately I very seldom see my grandkids anymore (my 33 year old AD has custody of my granddaughter). My granddaughter will be turning 16 this summer and most likely working a first job. My grandson still lives with his father and stepmother.

I cherish every moment I've had with the grandkids over the years.

I am so sorry your son is still actively using.

I am also a recovering meth addict, clean/sober since August 5, 1990. Recovery is possible, but he has to want that more than anything else.

Wishing you and the grandkids a fantastic time rafting!
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Old 05-23-2011, 08:38 AM
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I'll butt in just for a second.

You and your husband may be one of the only positive influences those kids have in their lives. God Bless You! The river rafting trip sounds wonderful.

Those kids are old enough to know what is going on, and protecting them should be your first priority. I don't often post on other forums besides Substance Abuse, so forgive my naivety in asking whether there might be support groups like there are for Alanon for NA? If so, the kids might be old enough to go there with you, and it may help them to cope with their dad's drug issues. Kids often blame themselves for their parents problems, especially in a separation or divorce situation. They need to know they are not responsible for any of this adult stuff.

You are right, they are getting old enough to move on and you may have less access to them soon. This is your opportunity to cement that bond. They deserve you wonderful people to the extent you can provide yourselves and your home.

FT
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Old 05-23-2011, 02:45 PM
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My husband and I read everything and are feeling very comfortable with bringing the g-kids here for a few days and then taking them on a river rafting trip (we think we can still do it!!) on the Colorado river.
That sounds AWESOME!

I wouldn't invite dad (that's just me) though... just in case he says yes. My son's father always used to say "yes" to doing things but then bail at the last minute or no show/no call. I knew it was going to happen but I would invite him anyway - to give him a chance at having a relationship with his son. Maybe I thought it would somehow inspire him to get and stay clean if he saw his boy... Anyway, involving him put a great deal of stress and pressure on me to protect my son from his dad's false promises and, no matter how hard I tried to protect him, it would break my little boy's heart every single time.

I decided not to deal with it anymore. I just stopped calling him. Now he's completely out of the picture. Unfortunately I am still dealing with my son's broken heart.
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Old 05-23-2011, 04:28 PM
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Originally Posted by Desertrose View Post

If I do not allow him to see the kids, he will be furious.
So, let him be furious.

Thank the stars there are grandparents like you.
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Old 05-24-2011, 08:45 AM
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Side note: If the grandson is 14-15, he is probably more aware of what is going on with his dad then you imagine. Don't try to sugarcoat it, but there is also no need to bad mouth anyone . . . dad's life is what it is.

River rafting sounds like alot of fun for you to have with your grandchildren - enjoy the time with them. You and your husband sound like great grandparents.
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