Closure.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 152
Closure.
Hi SR fam,
Finally some good news for me. Some of you may have read my previous couple threads regarding my current situation with xabf. To sum it up, we basically got into a huge fight (he was being violent), didn't talk, but didn't break up either. Then saw another girl flirting with him over his facebook while we were still together. This girl he had become friends with about two months ago and at first was fine, but then I started having doubts. He started not letting me see his phone, he would hide it when he was away; but the whole time he kept saying nothing was going on. Tried contacting him so many times since the big fight we had two weeks ago, just to be bashed and lashed at. No conversation of break up, no conversation of what was going on with this girl, no conversation of closure. Nothing at all---just anger and aggression and utter hatred seeping from his every pore.
Then finally, I friended this girl on facebook. A couple months ago I talked to her on his phone when she called him (about another man at that time) so I thought it wouldn't be completely weird. Anyway, we ended up messaging a little bit back and forth during which time she said to me that they were now "going out". I gave her my number to talk. She called me. I had just been bashing her the whole time because I kept thinking to myself "how can she do this?" "how can she hookup with somebody that is still in a relationship?". BUT this girl actually turned out to be SUCH a sweetheart herself...and I could just tell from her voice that she was being honest with me with what everything she was saying and there was no reason for her to lie either.
Turns out, xabf and her started completely platonic in the beginning like i thought, like he was telling me. Then HE made advances on her way before said fight had even happened. He told her that we had broken up and that "we (him and i) told people that we were together but werent really". She went along with it because she didn't know any better (she is MUCH MUCH younger and naive in an innocent way...xabf is her first "relationship"! and she didn't have any reason to question it because we all know how alcoholics are so sparkly and charming and apparently honest on the outside). He relapsed a weekend and hooked up with her, told her that he "really liked her" (While I was at home worried to death about his sorry ass no less). He fed me some bullsh** story for what happened that weekend but really he was just at her apartment the WHOLE TIME. After that, they had been unofficially together, he met all her friends, they had been hanging around and going on dates around town (i was long distance with xabf) , and then made it "official" one week after the big fight we had. UNFATHOMABLE PIECE OF SH**.
This poor girl though, I honestly believe everything she had said. I told her everything about xabf because she deserves to know. I told her it is COMPLETELY her right to make her own decisions about him. That i consider her to be my friend than enemy and to be able to contact me in confidence if she needs it. She asked if I thought it would be okay if they were maybe still together. To which I said it was up to her, but it was my opinion that if he gets the attention he seeks like this so quickly right now by acting out he is just delaying his recovery.
We decided to keep in touch about what she decides to do with him and if she says anything to him about our conversation (i told her that i was worried he was going to do something aggressive against me if he found out). She says that she understands everything im saying and can definitely see how im telling the truth. Somewhere she thinks that he might deserve her giving him a chance. Shes young and innocent, and this is her first "relationship" but i just pray and told her to remember to recognize the red flags if she sees them and not ignore them like i did. Ultimately though she needs to hit her own rock bottom with him and make her own mistakes like we all have.
I am just finally glad though to have C.L.O.S.U.R.E. from this all. The truth has been so liberating for me it really has. I've finally FOR SURE hit my rock bottom with the relationship but hit my own high! I will not be contacting the xabf ever again or even feeling sympathy. I have finally detached. I will contently and happily move on from this AL (L = loser hahahaha) Stay strong friends! <3
Finally some good news for me. Some of you may have read my previous couple threads regarding my current situation with xabf. To sum it up, we basically got into a huge fight (he was being violent), didn't talk, but didn't break up either. Then saw another girl flirting with him over his facebook while we were still together. This girl he had become friends with about two months ago and at first was fine, but then I started having doubts. He started not letting me see his phone, he would hide it when he was away; but the whole time he kept saying nothing was going on. Tried contacting him so many times since the big fight we had two weeks ago, just to be bashed and lashed at. No conversation of break up, no conversation of what was going on with this girl, no conversation of closure. Nothing at all---just anger and aggression and utter hatred seeping from his every pore.
Then finally, I friended this girl on facebook. A couple months ago I talked to her on his phone when she called him (about another man at that time) so I thought it wouldn't be completely weird. Anyway, we ended up messaging a little bit back and forth during which time she said to me that they were now "going out". I gave her my number to talk. She called me. I had just been bashing her the whole time because I kept thinking to myself "how can she do this?" "how can she hookup with somebody that is still in a relationship?". BUT this girl actually turned out to be SUCH a sweetheart herself...and I could just tell from her voice that she was being honest with me with what everything she was saying and there was no reason for her to lie either.
Turns out, xabf and her started completely platonic in the beginning like i thought, like he was telling me. Then HE made advances on her way before said fight had even happened. He told her that we had broken up and that "we (him and i) told people that we were together but werent really". She went along with it because she didn't know any better (she is MUCH MUCH younger and naive in an innocent way...xabf is her first "relationship"! and she didn't have any reason to question it because we all know how alcoholics are so sparkly and charming and apparently honest on the outside). He relapsed a weekend and hooked up with her, told her that he "really liked her" (While I was at home worried to death about his sorry ass no less). He fed me some bullsh** story for what happened that weekend but really he was just at her apartment the WHOLE TIME. After that, they had been unofficially together, he met all her friends, they had been hanging around and going on dates around town (i was long distance with xabf) , and then made it "official" one week after the big fight we had. UNFATHOMABLE PIECE OF SH**.
This poor girl though, I honestly believe everything she had said. I told her everything about xabf because she deserves to know. I told her it is COMPLETELY her right to make her own decisions about him. That i consider her to be my friend than enemy and to be able to contact me in confidence if she needs it. She asked if I thought it would be okay if they were maybe still together. To which I said it was up to her, but it was my opinion that if he gets the attention he seeks like this so quickly right now by acting out he is just delaying his recovery.
We decided to keep in touch about what she decides to do with him and if she says anything to him about our conversation (i told her that i was worried he was going to do something aggressive against me if he found out). She says that she understands everything im saying and can definitely see how im telling the truth. Somewhere she thinks that he might deserve her giving him a chance. Shes young and innocent, and this is her first "relationship" but i just pray and told her to remember to recognize the red flags if she sees them and not ignore them like i did. Ultimately though she needs to hit her own rock bottom with him and make her own mistakes like we all have.
I am just finally glad though to have C.L.O.S.U.R.E. from this all. The truth has been so liberating for me it really has. I've finally FOR SURE hit my rock bottom with the relationship but hit my own high! I will not be contacting the xabf ever again or even feeling sympathy. I have finally detached. I will contently and happily move on from this AL (L = loser hahahaha) Stay strong friends! <3
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 383
I'm glad you got the closure you needed. It's time, as you said, to put it all in the past and move on. However, now is YOUR chance to find out who YOU really are, what YOU want and continuing to work YOUR recovery is even more important now. You want YOUR next relationship to be healthy and whole!
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
I hope you realize you are worth so much better than that a-hole. You sound like such a smart woman in your posts - go find some awesome guy who would be so happy to have you in his life and treat you like a queen! Leave this one to the young chicks who don't know any better (they will, someday).
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 152
thank you Tuffgirl for the nice thing you had to say! 
i know it will just take some time to adjust. i still feel very scared and sick to my stomach sometimes about it (how can he sleep at night? i woke up in the middle of the night because i wonder about it and im on the OTHER side) but now i KNOW that im not at fault for a lot of what happened and that means the start of my recovery. because at least i no longer have to question what did I DO to cause this? any longer. he was clearly making up a lot my "issues" just to get out of the relationship.
the other girl messaged me and said she had told him about our conversation. said he was pretty angry with her but that she would try to direct his anger at her instead of me. finally ended up messaging me that she was going to defriend me (even though earlier on the phone she thought it was completely fine that we were friends on fb) because he kept telling her to. and so there the anger and controlling and the manipulation begins all over again. psycho assho**. poor girl.
sidenote: have i mentioned shes not even of drinking age....i just want to wait and see how when she starts drinking that too is gonna become an "issue" for xabf and things wont be so dandy and sweet again either. what is he gonna do? make a run for it again and cheat. what a d***.
i know it will just take some time to adjust. i still feel very scared and sick to my stomach sometimes about it (how can he sleep at night? i woke up in the middle of the night because i wonder about it and im on the OTHER side) but now i KNOW that im not at fault for a lot of what happened and that means the start of my recovery. because at least i no longer have to question what did I DO to cause this? any longer. he was clearly making up a lot my "issues" just to get out of the relationship.the other girl messaged me and said she had told him about our conversation. said he was pretty angry with her but that she would try to direct his anger at her instead of me. finally ended up messaging me that she was going to defriend me (even though earlier on the phone she thought it was completely fine that we were friends on fb) because he kept telling her to. and so there the anger and controlling and the manipulation begins all over again. psycho assho**. poor girl.
sidenote: have i mentioned shes not even of drinking age....i just want to wait and see how when she starts drinking that too is gonna become an "issue" for xabf and things wont be so dandy and sweet again either. what is he gonna do? make a run for it again and cheat. what a d***.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by bruingirl 
thank you Tuffgirl for the nice thing you had to say! i know it will just take some time to adjust. i still feel very scared and sick to my stomach sometimes about it (how can he sleep at night? i woke up in the middle of the night because i wonder about it and im on the OTHER side) but now i KNOW that im not at fault for a lot of what happened and that means the start of my recovery. because at least i no longer have to question what did I DO to cause this? any longer. he was clearly making up a lot my "issues" just to get out of the relationship.
the other girl messaged me and said she had told him about our conversation. said he was pretty angry with her but that she would try to direct his anger at her instead of me. finally ended up messaging me that she was going to defriend me (even though earlier on the phone she thought it was completely fine that we were friends on fb) because he kept telling her to. and so there the anger and controlling and the manipulation begins all over again. psycho assho**. poor girl.
sidenote: have i mentioned shes not even of drinking age....i just want to wait and see how when she starts drinking that too is gonna become an "issue" for xabf and things wont be so dandy and sweet again either. what is he gonna do? make a run for it again and cheat. what a d***.
i know it will just take some time to adjust. i still feel very scared and sick to my stomach sometimes about it (how can he sleep at night? i woke up in the middle of the night because i wonder about it and im on the OTHER side) but now i KNOW that im not at fault for a lot of what happened and that means the start of my recovery. because at least i no longer have to question what did I DO to cause this? any longer. he was clearly making up a lot my "issues" just to get out of the relationship.the other girl messaged me and said she had told him about our conversation. said he was pretty angry with her but that she would try to direct his anger at her instead of me. finally ended up messaging me that she was going to defriend me (even though earlier on the phone she thought it was completely fine that we were friends on fb) because he kept telling her to. and so there the anger and controlling and the manipulation begins all over again. psycho assho**. poor girl.
sidenote: have i mentioned shes not even of drinking age....i just want to wait and see how when she starts drinking that too is gonna become an "issue" for xabf and things wont be so dandy and sweet again either. what is he gonna do? make a run for it again and cheat. what a d***.
You are very good to recognize the pattern here early. You are most likely spot on with what will happen next. Be grateful it won't be with you. I know it hurts and it sucks and so on...but you'll look back someday and realize this was a huge favor. Now you have the chance to find a man you can trust who will be there for you, treat you well, and you can safely and contently have a life and family with. This guy is on a road to nowhere.
It's very sad watching someone make choices you know are not good choices. That for me has been the hardest part of this journey.
You cared about this guy and he hurt you. You're grieving the loss of the dream. It's ok to feel bad; ride it out. Tell yourself everyday - write it down if you need a reminder - that when one door closes, another opens. I've now lived long enough to see this in action.
P.S. I like to do small but seemingly drastic things after a break up...color or cut my hair, buy some new clothes that are not my "style", change my route to work (or find a whole new job) - just change something. It feels like making a fresh start.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I don't understand why you would want to be "friends" with this girl. It's only going to keep you enmeshed with the guy.
If you felt the need to warn her, you did that. My suggestion is that you leave both of them alone and work on moving on. Their lives are not your concern.
I know it's not easy to simply "move on" when you have been deeply involved with someone for a long time, and it doesn't just happen right away. But you can help the process along by resisting the urge to call him, to figure out what he's "up to" or who he is seeing and what they are doing. All of that just keeps you stuck.
If you felt the need to warn her, you did that. My suggestion is that you leave both of them alone and work on moving on. Their lives are not your concern.
I know it's not easy to simply "move on" when you have been deeply involved with someone for a long time, and it doesn't just happen right away. But you can help the process along by resisting the urge to call him, to figure out what he's "up to" or who he is seeing and what they are doing. All of that just keeps you stuck.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Great Outdoors
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I have to agree..as long as you are friends with her you have one foot in the door of his life..not to mention eventually if they keep seeing each other she will come to resent your input..
I will not be contacting the xabf ever again or even feeling sympathy. I have finally detached.
BUT not really. You are still checking up on him by talking to her. I recognise this because I have been there. I didn't "move on" until I had absolutely no contact at all whether it would be with him or with "friends"..AND it was quite a fete because we both live in a very small town. I cut ALOT of people out of my life because they felt compelled to report his every move. I wish you well.
I will not be contacting the xabf ever again or even feeling sympathy. I have finally detached.
BUT not really. You are still checking up on him by talking to her. I recognise this because I have been there. I didn't "move on" until I had absolutely no contact at all whether it would be with him or with "friends"..AND it was quite a fete because we both live in a very small town. I cut ALOT of people out of my life because they felt compelled to report his every move. I wish you well.
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 741
IMHO....and it is a bit harsh......
You don't need to be friends with this girl. You don't need to be friends with this ex. You broke up - officially or not - and now he is going out with someone else. This makes it and him officially NOT YOUR PROBLEM OR CONCERN.
The whole hiding pictures/calls/texts etc thing wasn't a secrecy issue. It was a "let's mess with her" issue. As I said about one of my ex-boyfriends - and this is harsh - "he can f*** me but he can't f*** WITH me." He did all that to pique your interest and get you back begging for contact and it seems to have worked like a charm. HE IS MESSING WITH YOU AND WITH HER. But "you" are enough of a job for you to be concerned with. Don't participate in helping hime mess with her too. Believe me, he may act mad but I bet he is secretly amused and entertained by all of this cross-talk on his behalf. Makes him feel important; like a real man!
BLECH!
Do you really want to stay in contact with a guy like that? And when he turns around and does it to her, do you want to take her 2 AM phone calls crying and begging for advice? Or have to listen to his drunken rantings about how you should take him back?
BLECH AGAIN!
Disconnect from them both. You'll feel better. I've been there - I know.
You don't need to be friends with this girl. You don't need to be friends with this ex. You broke up - officially or not - and now he is going out with someone else. This makes it and him officially NOT YOUR PROBLEM OR CONCERN.
The whole hiding pictures/calls/texts etc thing wasn't a secrecy issue. It was a "let's mess with her" issue. As I said about one of my ex-boyfriends - and this is harsh - "he can f*** me but he can't f*** WITH me." He did all that to pique your interest and get you back begging for contact and it seems to have worked like a charm. HE IS MESSING WITH YOU AND WITH HER. But "you" are enough of a job for you to be concerned with. Don't participate in helping hime mess with her too. Believe me, he may act mad but I bet he is secretly amused and entertained by all of this cross-talk on his behalf. Makes him feel important; like a real man!
BLECH!
Do you really want to stay in contact with a guy like that? And when he turns around and does it to her, do you want to take her 2 AM phone calls crying and begging for advice? Or have to listen to his drunken rantings about how you should take him back?
BLECH AGAIN!
Disconnect from them both. You'll feel better. I've been there - I know.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 152
Thanks for your support everyone! I think you all are right, and I have already taken the steps to cut both of them out life. They can do what they want! I'm just lucky to be out of this mess.
The night before I was able to receive closure, I went before god and finally just prayed and said how grateful I was. I hadn't done that in a long time. I am starting to have more and more confidence again that my HP is guiding me through this and doing whats the absolute BEST for me!
The night before I was able to receive closure, I went before god and finally just prayed and said how grateful I was. I hadn't done that in a long time. I am starting to have more and more confidence again that my HP is guiding me through this and doing whats the absolute BEST for me!
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: NJ
Posts: 93
Originally Posted by bruingirl
Thanks for your support everyone! I think you all are right, and I have already taken the steps to cut both of them out life. They can do what they want! I'm just lucky to be out of this mess.
The night before I was able to receive closure, I went before god and finally just prayed and said how grateful I was. I hadn't done that in a long time. I am starting to have more and more confidence again that my HP is guiding me through this and doing whats the absolute BEST for me!
The night before I was able to receive closure, I went before god and finally just prayed and said how grateful I was. I hadn't done that in a long time. I am starting to have more and more confidence again that my HP is guiding me through this and doing whats the absolute BEST for me!
Sometimes people looking for closure stick around and stay in the soup so to speak, just waiting for the closure. But sometimes they are also getting sicker. It's just unhealthy. Period.
You are out of this. Now move on. Get and stay healthy. Keep working on yourself and focus on you.
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