Opionions please: AW and her "friend" in rehab

Old 05-20-2011, 10:31 AM
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Opionions please: AW and her "friend" in rehab

My AW is scheduled to be out of rehab soon and has evidently developed a friendship with a married man in her small group. She said this friendship developed because they have so much in common. They even asked the counselor assigned to their group if they could exchange phone numbers and were told no. I was completely unaware of this situation until recently at Family Day. During our meeting with her small group she told him she loved him (right in front of me) and he said the same thing back to her. Afterwards she got a pass to go eat lunch. At lunch she asked me if that bothered me that she had said that. Also at lunch, while I was gone to the restroom, she used her cellphone (which I had brought along in case she wanted to call anyone) to try to look up the contact information for her "friend".

That evening when I was at home, I was cleaning stuff out of my vehicle and noticed that her phone was flashing that it had a text message. Assuming it was from her boss or one of her friends that were trying to contact her while she was on pass, I turned her screen on and the google search of the "friend" popped up. Needless to say, the next time we talked on the phone we had it out and I was very clear about how I felt about the situation. She told me it was nothing, that I was having an irrational reaction, that she loved me and that she would never talk to him again. However, last night while we were talking, she tried to tell me this "funny story" about her friend at which point I cut her off completely.

So, my question is: Am I right to be really concerned about this situation?
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Old 05-20-2011, 10:44 AM
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In many cases, where addiction is involved, there is such a violation of trust. And it takes a very long time for trust to be recovered. You feel how you feel.....there's not a right or wrong in feeling a certain way. It's a good thing to examine those feelings and understand them.

I hope that you are seeking help for yourself through the family programs at the rehab she is in or at Naranon or Alanon meetings. Early recovery is a tough road for the addict and for the loved ones. It tends to work much better if both parties are in recovery programs that are working in the same direction.

Stick around.......just as she needs support from others who are experiencing the hardship of recovering from addiction, you may find comfort here at SR with people who understand the hardship of loving an addict.

gentle hugs
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Old 05-20-2011, 12:08 PM
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I have been attending al-anon meetings and I thought we had made a lot of progress. This just really seemed to pull the rug out from under me, especially in regards to rebuilding trust.
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Old 05-20-2011, 12:40 PM
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Sounds like trouble in the making if it doesn't get nipped in the bud. So sorry you are now having to deal with a whole nother issue. It's inappropriate at a min and I hope she heeds your request to stop with it. Take care.
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Old 05-20-2011, 12:53 PM
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Difficult situation. Although "rehab romances" are definitely common, this might not be that situation. Due to the fact that she made the "love you" statement in group session with family members present, I would like to assume that this is nothing more than a friendly supportive relationship. Alot of recovering alcoholics (as one I can state) develop supportive relationships with others in rehab and in the rooms, and the term "love" is used in the supportive form. Although it doesnt make much since when stated, I guess there is a difference between "loving" someone in this way (like a brother/sister) and "being in love" (husband/wife). It's not uncommon to be told that "if no one else has said they love you, I love you" by a complete stranger in AA.
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Old 05-20-2011, 01:49 PM
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@anvilhead As far as I know, this is a completely new behavior. I used to KNOW she loved me . . . but that changed with the addiction. Saying that I knew she loved me may sound strange, but that was one of the solid cornerstones of my life.

The part that cut to my soul was that we had 3 hours together on her pass and she chose to spend part of that time trying to find contact information on another man. This was the first time we had spent together in two months that wasn't during visiting hours or taking her to the doctor. I thought it was the best time we had spent together since before her addicition . . . and then to find the internet search.

She knows my objection to the whole situation.
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Old 05-20-2011, 06:23 PM
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I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with this on top of everything else you've endured. I would feel the same way as you are saying you do, if I were in that situation. Sometimes things do have a way of straightening themselves out, so don't despair just yet. I hope things are resolved soon, for your sake.
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Old 05-21-2011, 05:06 PM
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I'm sorry, too, that you are having to deal with this. Friendships occur quickly when people are in the "trenches" dealing with life and death issues (like recovery). New relationships don't carry the baggage that established relationships have to them.

As hard as it is the only thing you can really do is turn it over and then work on your self. You can't control whether she has a friendship with him but you can determine if you want to react and how much.

It's just hard and I'm sorry for all that you are experiencing.
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Old 05-21-2011, 08:09 PM
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Maybe I am just a hard ass but rehab or not, it isn't an excuse to treat somene poorly or be disrespectful of their feelings.

Rehab wouldn't shouldn't be free pass to run over someone else's feelings, particularly those of their spouse who they already put through enough.

Sort of misses the entire point of being there. Doesn't it?

If she were not in recovery, how would you handle this situation? Would you ever say 'I love you' in front of her to someone else even if it were a friendship? Probably not .... because of the pain and misunderstanding it would cause.

I also wouldn't spend my time searching for some other guy's info in front of my partner. Poor judgement on her part. Clearly she still has stuff to work on in her recovery.

Being in rehab isn't an excuse to treat someone disrespectfully, that is how I see it at least But I'm one to talk .. so writing this has been pretty helpful to me as well.

Why do we give them a free pass? Don't.
While you don't want to add more onto her struggling plate, whatever she does is still going to have consequences and that is a lesson she didn't seem to learn yet.

Not to sound like a meanie but I identified with your post and am asking myself the same questions.
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Old 05-22-2011, 08:08 AM
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are you guys kidding me?...romance in REHAB...???

I dont like that whats so ever! they are there because they are SICK and they need to get well

*shakes head*
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Old 05-23-2011, 01:41 PM
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Update: Visited on Saturday at which point she gave me a letter where she said that she loved me and had no interest in any other man. I WANT to believe her . . . but this is after months and months of lies so I'm still guarded. In any event, I left the rehab facility feeling pretty good about the situation and was looking forward to her having a pass for Sunday . . . that is until I checked her Facebook that night. (Just to let everyone know, I'm doing this with her permission as she wants me to update her daily on her texts, phone calls, email, facebook posts so she can respond back to people. In fact that's usually a part of our telephone conversations.) Of course, he had sent her two messages from, strangely, his wife's facebook account (what's up with that?). He asked if she missed him and gave her his phone number. Naturally, I always find this out after the phones are closed and I cannot talk to her about it until the next day. I somehow resisted the urge to send back a "How about you work on your relationship with your wife and kids and I'll worry about my wife?" message.

We went to eat during her pass and spent the rest of the time with our son. I again told her how I felt about the situation and she said that while she had not felt anything toward the guy other than friendship that obviously it was something she should not have done. She will actually be out of inpatient treatment this week so it should be interesting.

So, in the end, I feel better about the situation . . . but I remember all those lies.
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Old 05-23-2011, 02:06 PM
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I'm doing this with her permission as she wants me to update her daily on her texts, phone calls, email, facebook posts so she can respond back to people. In fact that's usually a part of our telephone conversations.)
Maybe it's time to tell her you aren't going to do this anymore.

There's a reason people in rehab don't have access to all this distracting technology - cellphones, facebook, text messages etc - it's so that they can focus STRICTLY on their recovery and themselves. Drug addiction is a serious problem and it requires a lot of HEAD WORK to recovery. And recovery has to be the HIGHEST priority in a person's life. Not new "boy" friends. Not facebook. Not phones messages. Not texts.

Rehab is emotionally draining and should be the focus of all her attention. She has a lot psychological work to do and Facebook isn't part of it. Perhaps it's time for you to distance yourself a little from what she's doing or not doing right now. Only time will tell how committed she is to her recovery and your relationship. Only time will tell if she's done lying and turning over a new leaf.

Have you considered that you can back off a little and focus on yourself and your recovery from the trauma that her addiction has caused you? Her Facebook updates can wait.... until both of you are in a better place psychologically.
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Old 05-23-2011, 03:05 PM
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Sorry, I know I used the word "daily" in my post, and I know that sounded bad but I normally only check about once a week. However, there are times with her job where they need information from her often on a daily basis. It's not "work" but because she is professionally licensed they often need follow up information so they can deal with insurance, leave, licensing etc and they can't contact her during business hours. So, I end up relaying messages. As for facebook, she normally just wanted to know what is going on with her friends.
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Old 05-23-2011, 04:43 PM
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QUOTE: So, my question is: Am I right to be really concerned about this situation?

I'd say youre pretty concerned already and its obvious there are some 'trust' issues. If she's telling another man she loves him in front of you and texting him, "why are you even questioning it"? Its right in front of your face. It seems recovery isnt 100% on her list of priorities right now.

Really though, every time my sister went into rehab (yes, everytime) she would meet a new 'friend'. Oh yes someone she related to alright and she didnt care who got hurt. Oh and of course the new 'friend' used her and got what he 'wanted' too.

See, alcoholism is pretty much about 'their needs & wants' not yours right now. Harsh, yep, but what is it going to take for you to 'see' whats really going on.
Take care.
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