WINNC

This is my first post after lurking around for a few weeks. Today is day 25 of sobriety for me and I am running into a few issues. I am married in my mid 40's with two kids and have been able to function pretty ( good job, healthy etc.) well despite drinking way too much every day. I was also mixing Ambien with alcohol and painkillers from time to time. My wife basically caught me and suggested that I get help- this has been going on for some time. The first three weeks of sobriety were pretty easy but last week not that easy. My wife is totally ticked off and being very cold to me and I can not blame here- it seems like everything she has read about recovery is negative and by being supportive she is enabling. I also have several good friends that do drink responsibly but that I also do other things with not involving drinking. I have basically been avoiding everyone. How long can it take my wife to start to trust me again and what should I tell my closest friends. I can not just keep hiding as these are my neighbors and parents of my children's friends.

I am also seeing a therapist weekly and am getting involved with Celebrate Recovery.

EmeraldRose

Welcome WINN...and congratulations on the 25 days. Good for you.

But I'm not sure I understand the logic behind the being supportive and enabling statement. Maybe she should join Al-anon then she could get a better perspective on recovery.

Glad you're here...wishing you peace & strength.

Mark75

Yea, it can be pretty scary for our spouses... So many issues... "I'm married to an alcoholic"..."what if he relapses."... "I'm losing a drinking buddy" ... "What is our social life gonna be like"... " What about all these meetings?" ..."what's he gonna be like sober?"... " what hasn't he told me?"

The only way I could deal with it, with her and these issue, was to realize the only thing I could do was go ahead and get recovered, and stay recovered... All these questions, there will be answers in time, not mine, but whatever time it takes...

You are going to CR... You can learn to take these anxieties to God... She will come through this too... Trust and have faith... Now go get recovered.

SomethingBetter

I told my friends I dont drink anymore, some snarfed and said "How long this time", but one friend in particular still hangs out goes fishing etc... but he doesnt drink around me, and in fact he drinks a lot less now. The other guys dont come around and I dont bother them.

My wife doesnt drink at all, partly because I ruined it for her, she hates alcohol, and now I finaly understand why, things do take time but its worth it.

Welcome to the forum!

Dee74

Hi WinnC

I agree with Mark - I let a lot of people down in my drinking career, no matter how functional I thought I was at the time.

It takes time to regain that trust...and we simply don't get to set that timetable.

I trusted that if I did the right thing, stayed sober and worked on myself, really recovered, the results would eventually speak for themselves - and they did

Who to tell is a very personal decision. I think telling those closest to you is a natural decision, outside that inner circle I'd tend make it on a need to know basis.

Would telling people be for their benefit or yours?

Welcome to SR and congratulations on yr sober time

D

DUNE

I don't know what your wife has been reading, but there are so many positive things about staying sober that I wouldn't even know where to start with that list. the transition period can be dificult, for you and others around you, but that will pass.

I've decided not to tell my parents or close friends (they all live far away) until I have 1 year sober. I firmly beleive that the results of my sobriety will speak for themselves. And I think you and everyone else will realize that getting sober was the best thing for you to do.

Telling people kind of opens you up to criticism. So don't be surprized when you get it, especially if you relaps. It would be nice if your family and close friends are supportive, but you really shouldn't exspect them to be, or exspect them to understand. Your support group and all of us here will help out with that as much as we can.

It took me a while to make good contacts in aa because I was so anti-social. Now the guys I'm close too are a major help to me. I relapsed last month and had several guys tell me "Don't worry I've got your back!" I can't tell you how good that felt to hear. If you reach out right away (unlike me) I'm sure you'll have a group of guys that will say the same thing to you.

Keep posting.

Zebra1275

Welcome, there's already been a lot of good advice given. As far as the trust issue goes, it takes time and you don't get to set the schedule. How long has your drinking been a problem? That's the probably the time frame that's influencing your wife's trust of you. I'm guessing that your 25 days of soberity doesn't stack up very well against that time period.

Anna

Yes, it does take time and patience to regain trust from our loved ones. Allow your wife to follow her own path of recovery as you focus on your recovery.

For me, I didn't tell anyone that I was quitting drinking because I didn't want the focus to be on me. I wanted to begin recovery quietly.

StPeteGrad

My wife read "Co-dependent No More" and basically got what your wife did out of it. Any warmth or help she takes as supposed "enabling" - even though I haven't had a drink in over 3 months.

WINNC

Thats the same book my wife read. I read it to and I have did everything the book talked about no wonder she is furious and skeptical. Sounds like we need to stick with it and let time take its course

concor

You made a good choice in posting, lots of good advice, support & understanding here.

Personally I'm focusing on fixing me first, until I get my s**t together I'm not doing anyone the least bit of good.

1undone

Welcome! Glad you posted. I read Co-Dependent No More years ago. That's a pretty old book. Am I aging myself? I would say Al-Anon is better and it also allows the spouse/family member/etc. the opportunity to meet people who have witnessed long term sober living. But I imagine an alcoholic spouse giving advice to the non alcoholic spouse would tick the non alcoholic spouse off. LOL

It may just be an awakening on your spouses part that has her ticked off. I liken it to an affair only it's with a substance not another person....

concor

WIN,

You might also want to check out the last page in the Class of May 2011 thread, some good info there that might help as well.