Don't be me
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Florida
Posts: 115
Don't be me
I joined this site almost 6 years ago because of issues dealing with an out-of-control AH. 6 years later…still with him. I want to make an example of myself in What-Not-To-Do. I was inspired by “GettingBy”s post and how far she came after 6 years. Here’s the other side.
The times I posted, I received excellent advice by very wise people who “got it.” However, I have been unable to accept the codies’ golden rule: “You didn’t CAUSE it, you can’t CONTROL it; you can’t CURE it. So here I am, 6 years older and no years wiser, as deeply enmeshed in this mess as ever and still under the illusion I have some control.
The last 6 years have brought more heartache and feelings of self-loathing that I have not taken the right action. Six years for AH has been 3 more serious leg injuries, 4 ER visits for falls, 1 DUI, 2 visits to jail, 3 short rehab stints, NO epiphanies, NO bottoms.
For me, I’ve been worried for 6 years of when the next accident or drunk driving incident will occur and how we will be able to afford it. My health has suffered. I rarely have fun. I feel like a full-time babysitter and nurse. I hate what alcoholism has done to my marriage, my husband, and my life. But for me…also no epiphanies, no bottoms or I’d be gone.
Currently, I’m dealing with the latest crisis: AH broke his kneecap 3 weeks ago and had surgery. He’s self-medicating for pain with alcohol (ironically what caused the balance issue that caused him to fall in our kitchen, caused all his falls.) He can’t walk or use crutches, but can drive so the local convenience store brings his beer to the car, every day and then lies about it. He drives drunk (just had Interlock Device removed from car 1 month ago) and comes drunk to work (our business) every day. The DUI cost us $5K, this latest knee costs us over $10K (no insurance). I was so worried about what the divorce costing over $5K, seems like a bargain now. I try to spend time with friends but am always yelled at for it. He appreciates all the help I have provided by calling me names and verbally abusing me. He will, for sure, worsen this injury by drinking and likely will have another DUI, and I can’t get out fast enough now. I didn’t ask for this, but by NOT leaving, I knew this would be the outcome and probably enabled the situation by NOT leaving. My life is H*LL!
If anyone can learn from my mistakes and years of lack of action, it would make me smile just a little. DON’T be me!
The times I posted, I received excellent advice by very wise people who “got it.” However, I have been unable to accept the codies’ golden rule: “You didn’t CAUSE it, you can’t CONTROL it; you can’t CURE it. So here I am, 6 years older and no years wiser, as deeply enmeshed in this mess as ever and still under the illusion I have some control.
The last 6 years have brought more heartache and feelings of self-loathing that I have not taken the right action. Six years for AH has been 3 more serious leg injuries, 4 ER visits for falls, 1 DUI, 2 visits to jail, 3 short rehab stints, NO epiphanies, NO bottoms.
For me, I’ve been worried for 6 years of when the next accident or drunk driving incident will occur and how we will be able to afford it. My health has suffered. I rarely have fun. I feel like a full-time babysitter and nurse. I hate what alcoholism has done to my marriage, my husband, and my life. But for me…also no epiphanies, no bottoms or I’d be gone.
Currently, I’m dealing with the latest crisis: AH broke his kneecap 3 weeks ago and had surgery. He’s self-medicating for pain with alcohol (ironically what caused the balance issue that caused him to fall in our kitchen, caused all his falls.) He can’t walk or use crutches, but can drive so the local convenience store brings his beer to the car, every day and then lies about it. He drives drunk (just had Interlock Device removed from car 1 month ago) and comes drunk to work (our business) every day. The DUI cost us $5K, this latest knee costs us over $10K (no insurance). I was so worried about what the divorce costing over $5K, seems like a bargain now. I try to spend time with friends but am always yelled at for it. He appreciates all the help I have provided by calling me names and verbally abusing me. He will, for sure, worsen this injury by drinking and likely will have another DUI, and I can’t get out fast enough now. I didn’t ask for this, but by NOT leaving, I knew this would be the outcome and probably enabled the situation by NOT leaving. My life is H*LL!
If anyone can learn from my mistakes and years of lack of action, it would make me smile just a little. DON’T be me!
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Well St. Francis...
Maybe, just maybe, this post is your bottom. Airing it all out there. Seeing it in "writing"... and seeing what you have been accepting and deciding that today is the day that you stop accepting the unacceptable and start taking steps toward a new and better life for you.
Taking care of you doesn't mean you stop loving your AH... it means you start loving yourself more! Little by little, one step at a time... you work towards a life that honors you. And it happens on YOUR schedule, when you are comfortable, that's it.
You are a special person, worthy of love, and praise.
Maybe, just maybe, this post is your bottom. Airing it all out there. Seeing it in "writing"... and seeing what you have been accepting and deciding that today is the day that you stop accepting the unacceptable and start taking steps toward a new and better life for you.
Taking care of you doesn't mean you stop loving your AH... it means you start loving yourself more! Little by little, one step at a time... you work towards a life that honors you. And it happens on YOUR schedule, when you are comfortable, that's it.
You are a special person, worthy of love, and praise.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
St. Francis... I just read some of your old posts... it seems like finances have been the biggest fear holding you back. Worry about what the medical bills could end up being (you worried a year ago about him breaking his leg, again... and it happened)... and you worried about a DUI (and it seems like that must have happened again b/c a new interlock)...
So you're staying and letting his drinking continue to ruin you financially.... because the fear of how to seperate out joint assets/debts has you crippled.
Have you talked to an attorney? To me... that's the first step for you.
So you're staying and letting his drinking continue to ruin you financially.... because the fear of how to seperate out joint assets/debts has you crippled.
Have you talked to an attorney? To me... that's the first step for you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Florida
Posts: 115
No, haven't talked to an attorney for 4 years. It will be a financial mess, and yes, you are correct that I predicted what would happen. I will be contacting an attorney barring any miracles this week. At least I'll get half of something verses losing everything. Really, no choices anymore.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
I understand what you're going through. I've been putting up with it for the last 13 years. I finally hit bottom her last crash. I'm moving into my own apartment this weekend. It was the hardest decision I've ever made but once I made it I KNEW I had done the right thing.
Don't give up on yourself.
Don't give up on yourself.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
You are going to not only survive this... but when you look back... you are going to realize that you are THRIVING on the other side of your journey.
Get your butt to an attorney ASAP. Educate yourself... and I guarantee that will begin to quell your fears and give you strength to forge ahead.
YOU CAN DO THIS.
Get your butt to an attorney ASAP. Educate yourself... and I guarantee that will begin to quell your fears and give you strength to forge ahead.
YOU CAN DO THIS.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
Honey, at this point, a divorce will be a drop in the bucket compared to what your AH is costing you and iwll continue to cost you if you stick around. My sister's ex-AH put them in the poorhouse and made them homeless.
Forget all the dumb stuff he does when drunk. What if he kills someone next time he's driving drunk?? What if the person's family sues you for everything you've got? You're just as financially liable.
Not to mention alcoholism is progressive and at some point he is going to be plagued with health problems which will probably cost a fortune to treat.
You are being what they call pennywise and pound foolish.
Not to mention what is the cost of a divorce compared to the cost to your mental health of putting up witht he abuse? the longer you tolerate it, the lower your self esteem will go, the longer you will take to recover and the more traumatized you will be.
Forget all the dumb stuff he does when drunk. What if he kills someone next time he's driving drunk?? What if the person's family sues you for everything you've got? You're just as financially liable.
Not to mention alcoholism is progressive and at some point he is going to be plagued with health problems which will probably cost a fortune to treat.
You are being what they call pennywise and pound foolish.
Not to mention what is the cost of a divorce compared to the cost to your mental health of putting up witht he abuse? the longer you tolerate it, the lower your self esteem will go, the longer you will take to recover and the more traumatized you will be.
Originally Posted by Saint Francis 
No, haven't talked to an attorney for 4 years. It will be a financial mess, and yes, you are correct that I predicted what would happen. I will be contacting an attorney barring any miracles this week. At least I'll get half of something verses losing everything. Really, no choices anymore.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Guess what? It isn't too late--for you. Whether it is, for him, well, who knows. Not your fault, not your responsibility.
OK, so six years have passed. Get moving now, and you can enjoy at least most of the next six. It doesn't mean there won't be some work and expense and headaches for awhile, but you've got those anyway--you might as well start putting them somewhere they will actually do some GOOD: your own future.
Just start taking that mental effort, and money, and turn it in the direction of your own needs for a change. It's OK, you can do it.
OK, so six years have passed. Get moving now, and you can enjoy at least most of the next six. It doesn't mean there won't be some work and expense and headaches for awhile, but you've got those anyway--you might as well start putting them somewhere they will actually do some GOOD: your own future.
Just start taking that mental effort, and money, and turn it in the direction of your own needs for a change. It's OK, you can do it.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Ashland Oregon
Posts: 256
About time going by....
My 45th birthday was yesterday. I've had 4 long-term relationships. The #1 threat that was foisted on me by mean people was that I'd be alone for the rest of my life. Alone and lonely.
It terrified me; I've realized recently that what I've been seeking all this time is security. And I can get that for myself. I have fabulous children and loving friends - I won't be alone and lonely.
The fear I had was real... especially when my kids were smaller. And I did really hard things and worked way too hard for my life to be sucked up by the energy vampirism of alcohol.
I'm sorry for my ABF, because he doesn't see that his drinking is THAT much of a problem for me. I see it, and so I'm slowly starting to redefine what I am as an individual.
I've been essentially married since I was 18; there wasn't a lot of in-between time. 45 and single with 5 kids. Thank God I'm so good-looking, eh? LOL... I just don't care. I won't be alone, I won't be lonely. Because that's not what I want. I want many wholesome fun friendships within the different spheres of my life. It's okay with me if one of those includes my ABF. It's also okay if that fades off, though I'll be sad to see him go.
We're going to be older anyway; we may as well do what we want. I always wanted the full-on lifetime partnership. Once I let that expectation go, I was sad for a little bit - now I'm different. It could still happen; but not with the man who boozily asked me for a date tonight. It's 10am, man, and you stink like bad wine. No, I'm not interested. Ick.
Hey, I wrote a novel! Here's the take-home message: the life you save may be your own.
- Sylvie
My 45th birthday was yesterday. I've had 4 long-term relationships. The #1 threat that was foisted on me by mean people was that I'd be alone for the rest of my life. Alone and lonely.
It terrified me; I've realized recently that what I've been seeking all this time is security. And I can get that for myself. I have fabulous children and loving friends - I won't be alone and lonely.
The fear I had was real... especially when my kids were smaller. And I did really hard things and worked way too hard for my life to be sucked up by the energy vampirism of alcohol.
I'm sorry for my ABF, because he doesn't see that his drinking is THAT much of a problem for me. I see it, and so I'm slowly starting to redefine what I am as an individual.
I've been essentially married since I was 18; there wasn't a lot of in-between time. 45 and single with 5 kids. Thank God I'm so good-looking, eh? LOL... I just don't care. I won't be alone, I won't be lonely. Because that's not what I want. I want many wholesome fun friendships within the different spheres of my life. It's okay with me if one of those includes my ABF. It's also okay if that fades off, though I'll be sad to see him go.
We're going to be older anyway; we may as well do what we want. I always wanted the full-on lifetime partnership. Once I let that expectation go, I was sad for a little bit - now I'm different. It could still happen; but not with the man who boozily asked me for a date tonight. It's 10am, man, and you stink like bad wine. No, I'm not interested. Ick.
Hey, I wrote a novel! Here's the take-home message: the life you save may be your own.
- Sylvie
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: carolina girl
Posts: 578
Originally Posted by Saint Francis
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3]
If anyone can learn from my mistakes and years of lack of action, it would make me smile just a little. DON’T be me!
If anyone can learn from my mistakes and years of lack of action, it would make me smile just a little. DON’T be me!
You are obviously getting something out of this relationship, or you wouldn't still be in it. There is a reason you are putting yourself through all this, what's the reason?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: MASSACHUSETTS
Posts: 441
Keep repeating to yourself "I DESERVE BETTER and I CAN MOVE ON". You see, you really do deserve better and can move on. I am in the process of leaving and finally getting out (after 25 years) myself. There are so many things we worry about that can hold us back. It is not easy but it will be worth it in the end for both of us.
Keep posting and soon you will typing a post that says "Be Me" instead of "Don't be me".
Keep posting and soon you will typing a post that says "Be Me" instead of "Don't be me".
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: California
Posts: 221
Money can be such a horrible weapon of fear. It's used against us to coerce us to do things we don't want to do, and it prevents us from doing things that we want or need. I understand the power of this weapon extremely well, my family grew up dirt poor and it was the burden of not-enough-money that followed my parents around like a mugger.
Here's the ironic thing: Like everything else in life, money is only as important as you let it become. It is prioritized against your other choices in life: do I buy X, or save it for Y? We become slaves to things like credit scores and cell phone contracts because we're afraid of the "long term impact" of making a choice that places those things lower on the priority scale.
Right now, you can choose whether the financial costs of saving yourself are more or less important than the emotional costs of not saving yourself. We all get one, and only one, dance in life. Think about what kind of dance you want for the rest of your life and prioritize accordingly.
And don't beat yourself up over the past 6 years. Those years didn't kill you, so they must have made you stronger, eh?
Here's the ironic thing: Like everything else in life, money is only as important as you let it become. It is prioritized against your other choices in life: do I buy X, or save it for Y? We become slaves to things like credit scores and cell phone contracts because we're afraid of the "long term impact" of making a choice that places those things lower on the priority scale.
Right now, you can choose whether the financial costs of saving yourself are more or less important than the emotional costs of not saving yourself. We all get one, and only one, dance in life. Think about what kind of dance you want for the rest of your life and prioritize accordingly.
And don't beat yourself up over the past 6 years. Those years didn't kill you, so they must have made you stronger, eh?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Wyoming
Posts: 130
I remember when I finally left my ex-husband -- money was the main concern for me too, along with all those nagging fears about where I'd live or how I would take care of my son. You know what happened? I left with nothing except an old Ranger with a quarter of a tank of gas and a few clothes. It was enough to get me back to my hometown, and five miles from the outskirts I placed a call to someone whom my ex had tried to push out of my life along with all my other support people. She not only gave me a room to sleep, she also did a lot of calling around so that when I arrived there was a bed and other necessities for me too. Over the next month, people were just coming out of the woodwork offering every imaginable kindness, and in no time I had a new home and a whole new life. I'd also been terrified about losing my financial safety net and having to live or starve by my freelance writing -- and that was the push that really made me succeed with it.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
God protects the brave and the honest and the ones with pure hearts, and sends angels when we are taking steps like these. I truly believe that. I respect other opinions/beliefs of course, but I DO believe in God and I DO believe in messengers.
I have seen examples of this and also from my own experience. I had no money (I still don't
but I got enough to get by and THAT is enough), no friends, no family just my car and clothes. 2 years forward, it is the same city, the same work, the same people, the same alcoholic doing what he does (but now I just overhear things about him, went No Contact), and I LOVE MY LIFE now, I SEE beauty, my health has IMPROVED, I find myself laughing hysterically, I am doing more of what I always liked, even if its simple like buying a cheap CD and playing it in my car. God truly sent me people to let me know I was in the correct track back to... well, ME, and step by step I have been taken away from harm's way. There are wonderful people willing to lend a hand. Perhaps its time to lean on YOUR real friends, and family, Alanon? you don't have to do this alone.
Nothing material and no person that I have "lost" is worth my life, my health and my sanity..... nothing... nothing is worth this peace I am feeling.
Since I cut or limited contact with the energy vampires in my life I have felt alive again, as if parts of me were scattered in others. Gladly they are back and now the "puzzle" is complete, and forms a beautiful image. Whatever pain I felt has been worth this. I feel I am starting to really LIVE.
And the best part is that nothing extraordinary is going on in the outside world for me to feel this peace...... I finally know who I am (or at least I have a better idea)... I can take care of myself, I matter..... the realization that, I am worth it. I am worth so much more, always have been, and so are you. Although painful this realization will take you to much better places.
One day you will look back, and this struggle will be far far away from you, just a passing memory... you'll be too busy feeling grateful, feeling loved & appreciated, wiser than yesterday.
Hugs and prayers
All the best.
I have seen examples of this and also from my own experience. I had no money (I still don't
but I got enough to get by and THAT is enough), no friends, no family just my car and clothes. 2 years forward, it is the same city, the same work, the same people, the same alcoholic doing what he does (but now I just overhear things about him, went No Contact), and I LOVE MY LIFE now, I SEE beauty, my health has IMPROVED, I find myself laughing hysterically, I am doing more of what I always liked, even if its simple like buying a cheap CD and playing it in my car. God truly sent me people to let me know I was in the correct track back to... well, ME, and step by step I have been taken away from harm's way. There are wonderful people willing to lend a hand. Perhaps its time to lean on YOUR real friends, and family, Alanon? you don't have to do this alone.Nothing material and no person that I have "lost" is worth my life, my health and my sanity..... nothing... nothing is worth this peace I am feeling.
Since I cut or limited contact with the energy vampires in my life I have felt alive again, as if parts of me were scattered in others. Gladly they are back and now the "puzzle" is complete, and forms a beautiful image. Whatever pain I felt has been worth this. I feel I am starting to really LIVE.
And the best part is that nothing extraordinary is going on in the outside world for me to feel this peace...... I finally know who I am (or at least I have a better idea)... I can take care of myself, I matter..... the realization that, I am worth it. I am worth so much more, always have been, and so are you. Although painful this realization will take you to much better places.
One day you will look back, and this struggle will be far far away from you, just a passing memory... you'll be too busy feeling grateful, feeling loved & appreciated, wiser than yesterday.
Hugs and prayers
All the best.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 82
St. Francis I've been praying to that saint for a while now.
All i wanted to say was that your post reminds me that:
people don't act until the FEAR OF THE UNKNOWN < FEAR OF THE KNOWN
right now, you're still at fear of unknown > fear of known... this choice is basically in all aspects of big life decisions. keep weighing your options... and you'll come to your action
I've been praying to that saint for a while now.All i wanted to say was that your post reminds me that:
people don't act until the FEAR OF THE UNKNOWN < FEAR OF THE KNOWN
right now, you're still at fear of unknown > fear of known... this choice is basically in all aspects of big life decisions. keep weighing your options... and you'll come to your action
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