GettingBy

I wanted to share with you all a brief summary of some of my Step One work... it's a step that I don't think I'll ever be done with. I revisit it... well, recently, on a daily and sometimes HOURLY basis!

I remember vividly when I met my AH. He was handsome and charming... the young and up-and-coming Business Development Manager for the company we both worked for. I had just moved back to NY from TX. I was hell bent on not getting in a relationship, and he was hell bent on getting me in one! Our "dates" were not really dates (looking back now!) - go to a bar for happy hour, hang out on his parents boat & drink a bottle of wine... he was so much fun... fun that this uptight engineer desperately wanted. He talked about all his crazy ex-gfs... and how I was different, special. I was so smart, and pulled together. I motivated him, inspired him... I was his "grace." I met his family and they hinted at deep-seated issues from previous relationship, but they liked me, and "were so happy he had a wonderful gal like me!"

We struggled over the drinking. I didn't enjoy the bar scene, and wanted something more. We pushed/pulled at each other... everytime the same promise, "I am growing up, and settling down! You're inspiring me. You're my grace!"

And I believed it. I believed I was different and better than all those previous girlfriends. I was smarter, prettier... more responsible... a better life partner... I was motivation enough for him to sober up. I was going to do what none of them could do... because I was better than them. Ugh.

10 years later... I realize, I am powerless over alcohol. I may be his grace, but I can't stop the drinking. I can't control him. I am no different than any of those previous girlfriends. Sure, I may have a few more college degrees, a bigger paycheck, and now a couple of rings on my finger and kids in my backseat... but I am no different then them. I too got bulldozed by alcoholism.


Accepting that I am powerless helps me to let go of him and our marriage. I don't sit and worry about him finding somebody new who's going to magically inspire him to get sober. That's just not going to happen. No one is that powerful. What may happen? Something happens that opens his eyes/ears to his HP and he sees the reality of his drinking... that's it. Again, that's a big "may happen".


Step One for me means... it doesn't matter how hard I work, how put together I am, successful, smart, pretty, loving, caring... I am NO MATCH for alcohol. Trying to make myself "perfect" to try and beat alcohol has made my life completely unmanageable. I have set up unrealistic expectations for myself, and others... and it's made me miserable.

Thanks for letting me share!
Shannon

stepsforward

I love reading your post they are so inspiring thanks

StarCat

GettingBy, what a different way of thinking about things!
Thank you so much for posting this.