forgotten1

UGH! I incidentally found out that my xAbf is looking into moving into a home with "roommates". HE is a 33 year-old BOY moving into a place with 20-somethings near the local state college (which is about 20 minutes from where we both currently live).

i'm not exactly sure what/why im so pissed about this. i mean, realistically, i know he's not going to just sit in his apartment and be lonely and miserable all by himself (which is what he really wants)... i know--probably ANY move he makes (positive or negative) would provoke a reaction out of me. I just needed to vent.

I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW... he's not my problem... i shouldn't care (in fact i should be happy!) yes, i KNOW all of this--but it doesn't fix that this causes me to be pissed off. If that means I haven't let go, then fine--i haven't totally let go.

I am not sure exactly what pisses me off--i mean, it just shows how PATHETIC he is... considering most people his age have built a stable life... most 30+ year-olds with roommates are pretty much just one step up from the 30-year-old living with their mom. Me, I'm 28 and I've been living on my own since I was 25--i mean, there does come a point when you grow up and realize the whole living with roommates phase is done. and here he is signing up to live with 20-somethings near a college... still trying to re-live those college glory days where he was the drunk drummer in a mediocre alcoholic band in an LA private college full of spoiled brats trying to pretend they have such tragic lives.

These are the initial thoughts in my head:
1) im kinda weirded out that he's moving out of "our" neighborhood... we haven't run into each other... but it IS a weird feeling, because we both really loved our neighborhood--which is a trigger for me. [sidenote: i, myself, am actually trying to move OUT OF STATE in about a month]
2) he's so freaking pathetic--he lives in an apartment by himself right now--most people don't REGRESS into living with roommates again--not unless you're losing all of your money all of a sudden (which i wouldn't be surprised if that were happening now that he no longer has me to prepare him meals or somewhat remind him to not spend all of his money on booze)
3) he graduated college over 10 years ago! and he's still living like he is in it... he hasn't started a career; he hasn't started building a life; he hasn't even started recovery!
4) ugh, he's going to be living near young 20-somethings females... which, i hate to say it (since i obviously was one)... but yeah, now he's going to have his pick of enabling girlfriends that will romanticize the relationship coz they're still at that age where they're stupid enough to fall for the "misunderstood loner musician" that just "needs to be rescued" or "shown true love"
5) i wonder if his therapist even condones this? it clearly seems like a regression into having an excuse to drink

me and xAbf were both brought up in privileged upper-middle class homes. we went to the top private high schools of our states... went on to private colleges (we met post-college--but felt very connected with our similar upbringings). hell, his "godfather" is the state's attorney general... our similarities end there, however, because whereas we both have friends and family in "high" places... mine have stable relationships that are building families/lives... and his are all high-functioning addicts with some sort of mental problem. his family, though highly educated like mine, are all fighting with each other and don't speak to each other whereas mine talk frequently and are VERY close. He used to make me "feel bad" for having grown up so privileged AND without family drama--he used it as a "wall" that i supposedly didn't "get him" because my life was so full of joy (which is UNTRUE--everyone's lives have obstacles--ours just knew how to deal with them better)

i think the root of my pissed-off-ness about this whole thing is that because of our backgrounds, our similarities in what we felt about our backgrounds... what we felt about life and how we'd want to build our lives... i am STILL so F-ing pissed off that he has thrown it all away. We had such a great foundation--a GREAT year-long friendship before we even dated... when we first initially realized we loved each other--we were BOTH (maybe even HIM MORE) SO excited about the prospect of our children, because we knew together--with our resources and each other's intellect and looks...and at that point the genuine love/happiness we felt with each other, we believed we'd have a great foundation to build a family/life. i am just so F-ING pissed that he threw all of that away with each gulp of alcohol that went down his throat.

So, seeing him regress--digging himself farther into a hole where he's staying in the "college"-phase annoys the crap out of me. Especially because, here i am, struggling at re-building my life to resemble the successful path i was on before his alcoholic tornado blew it all away.

UGH UGH UGH!

naive

totally understand. he's moving on probably to his next enabler while you're still here, not over the relationship and trying to heal.

while he will probably pick up some new girlfriend, you're on sober recovery working on your recovery.

mine moved on very quickly and it hurt. it hurt because it made our relationship seem cheap, disposable...mine is very handsome and can be charming, but it's all really an act at the end of the day.

it did not make me feel any better when people said he was now her problem...the relationship was real to me and i gave it my best...gave him my best...

i think it's natural how you are feeling. i don't have any solution for you other than to have your feelings, don't block them.

at the end of the day, you are working on improving yourself and healing...in the long run of life, that will pay positive benefits...he's sinking further into his lifestyle...there's always another girl who will fall for the fake charm and lies in the beginning but in the long run, it probably won't end up pretty.

jamaicamecrazy

I can totally relate to the feeling of being pissed off at the A's choices. It is like they regress and try to live the life of a 20 year old and we cannot believe that they are not wanting more for their lives.
For me this was how I felt for most of my marriage and then when we finally separated. It was overwhelming and was part of my "withdrawal" from him.
This feeling was part of me learning to let go.
What I realized was that feeling was part of me admitting that I was powerless over alcohol.
It was me realizing that I could not help him.
It was me realizing that these are not choices I would make but they are his choices and he needs to live his life no matter how pathetic it looks.
Go ahead and be pissed. Then go to an Al Anon meeting and learn how to focus more on yourself. Good luck to you.

GettingBy

I can understand why your pissed... It's happening because you aren't letting him go. You broke up with him. He's now free to do any he chooses. That's it. What he does is none of your business anymore, but you're still trying to make it your business.

Please keep in mind that I'm saying this with care and understanding. I can completely relate...

I told my AH I want a divorce. I had enough of living with the drinking. I just couldn't live with it anymore. I told him what I wanted, and his reaction was... "well screw you, I'm going to drink all I want!". And that is just what he's doing. Going out to bars, aligning drinking buddies "against" me, etc. And guess what? Thats entirely his right to do so. I told him I didnt want him, what else should I expect?!?

The Codie part of me would love for him to come crawling back on his knees... Begging me to forgive him, and telling me I was right, and he'll get help for his drinking. And I think that's where you're at. You wanted this break up be his bottom, right? And now youre mad that it's not.

Time to focus on you and building the life you want for you. Time to release your claws from him and your dream of that life you could have built together. Time to stop keeping tabs on him... It's not healthy for you.

LexieCat

Ditto what GettingBy said.

Your being p*ssed off is less a product of what he is doing than your inability to accept it. It is what it is. As long as you mentally fight it, you are causing yourself pain.

Accepting it doesn't equal approving it. Acceptance is simply a recognition of reality, and the fact that you are powerless to change it.

If he left you and was having a wonderful, successful life, my bet is that that result would be equally upsetting to you. What he does with his life truly isn't your concern. You are off to build your own life.

As long as you stay wrapped up in what he is doing, you are holding yourself back from the freedom to really live. Have you been to Al-Anon?

CXR

Being pissed is natural. It's part of the "holding on" and "not letting go" so to speak. Got it. Been there, done that. Not to oversimplify, but it's time to let go . . . so YOU can get healthy and move on. Start living YOUR life again.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but what he's doing and these decisions, are none of your business any longer. But here you are getting involved again, at least emotionally. Stop it. Live on your side of the street not his. As a matter of fact, live on a different block. LOL. Again, I am trying not to be harsh here, but this is a bad place for you to be. You can either go one way or the other -- the healthy way or the sick way. Your shoes, your feet, your brain. You pick.

Go to meetings. Share about this. All the best.

Fandy

If he is not in the place to build a stable life with you and you don't want him back, you have to put more space between you no matter where he lives and you live.

time and other interests, people who deserve your attention and have similar values and morals....try to think about 12 months into the future and envision WHERE you want to be.

You do not want to be stagnating with a partner you keep having to "fix" and prop up...You sound like you will want an emotionally healthy relationship and enjoy your life and career....achievements come through your hard work...and you deserve this.

vent away here...your posts are helpful to others.

wanttobehealthy

I'm sorry you're struggling/hurting-- I've been there as have we all at one time (and I've been back for seconds, thirds etc...)

It's hard to be not the addict, seeing more clearly and watching someone regressing further and further. I have to remind myself (and some days I do this better than others) that I am in no more control of the idiotic life choices AH makes than I am his drinking.

My H too has aligned himself with the young 20's crowd at work, has alienated professional colleagues he's worked with for 8 yrs who respected and admired his work and now spends his free time playing ping pong and making farting noises with fresh out of college kids.

It angered me beyond belief for months. Now I just think it's sad and I hope soon to not have it occupying any space in my mind at all.

Your bf is acting like an alcoholic acts. It's not about you. I find that reminding myself of this when I am hurting, helps a bit. It's easy to believe it IS bc of or about us and for me at least that's what eats away at me... I still believe a bit sometimes that I could have done something differently, I could have fixed him and then we'd have the mature happy life together we thought we would (or I thought we would).

AH is not the only one with delusional thinking and when I remember that I'm just as addicted as him (my addiction is trying to fix him, his is alcohol) it reminds me that whatever I'm feeling is something I can deal with by working on me...

All that said, there are times I just need a shoulder to cry on, vent to and get it out so that then I can pick up and move on so you shouldn't feel you can't do that here...

forgotten1

Gettingby--you are right when you said:

"You wanted this break up be his bottom, right? And now youre mad that it's not."

fundamentally, yes... THIS is what i'm pissed off about. I guess it's because I feel like this has been MY bottom--yes, this is the worst thing that has happened to me and I've felt the lowest I've felt in my life for losing what I was led to believe in... and so I'm pissed that him losing it too isn't HIS bottom--it makes me feel like it must not hurt him as much or it must have not meant as much...

I think I have to remember, though, that he IS an alcoholic--and it doesn't mean that it means it doesn't hurt him or it must have not meant as much... it's just that his mode of coping with hurt or reaching some sort of "bottom" is to actually keep reaching for that next drink to numb it all away, further digging a deeper bottom. As my therapist pointed out once, addicts don't even reach their bottom (to turn life around) when they've lost their kids, their partners, their parents, or their health, etc!

So i guess in this context it does seem like im whining away at something I can't control and has nothing to do with me--I know life "isn't" fair... and i've definitely had other life experiences to show me this, but it doesn't mean that sometimes I don't want to just scream (and punch at the air) and shout --> THIS IS NOT F-ING FAIR!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks, everyone, for your support and listening and letting me vent we all hear the "logic" of it all and it's nice that in this place, full of people that have gone through the same experiences, we are allowed to throw the "temper tantrums" we feel inside.

GettingBy

Girl... you got it.

sunshine321

For me the hardest part was accepting that the promises and the dream were not going to happen. Not accepting was keeping me stuck. Once I grieved it properly (the dream, not the person as it had nothing to do with the person he really was, just the person I wanted him to be or that he let me to believe he was), I was free to have another dream. If that makes any sense.

Peace,
Jen

sandrawg

I'm with the 2 of you. although I know what kind of miserable existence my exabf is living with his pothead drunky high school gf (and the'yre both 27 yrs old--she lives with her parents and he lives with a pothead drunky roommate. She's at his place every weekend), I still feel pissed.

Pissed he moved on so quickly w someone else-I doubt whether he ever really loved me, frankly. PIssed he moved onto another enabler, which means he's not working any recovery at all.

Pissed he manipulated and played games with me about this chick for 3.5 yrs.

Intellectually, I know they have no happy future in sight. He will either dump her when he is once again reminded how immature and stupid she is, OR if and when he finds a new "victim", like he always does...or they'll be 2 alcoholic/addicts feeding off each other, maybe get married and have a horrible toxic dysfunctional marriage that god forbid they bring children into it. My ex has horrible anger issues.

I'm glad he's gone and I would never get back together with him so it's hard to udnerstand WHY I feel so angry about the whole thing all the time. Anyway, just wanted to say I can relate.

JACKRUSSELLGIRL

Tantrum away girlfriend, we have all been there! This is the best place to have a "Temper Tantrum".

bruingirl

WOW its amazing how much i can relate to everything that you are saying forgotten1. i have been going through a really bad breakup at the moment. we both KNOW what is right, and we both KNOW we shouldnt care BUT we still do. and even though it should be natural for us to move on and stop caring about the alcoholic we haven't. i know how it feels and kudos to you for not putting yourself down about it and allowing yourself to open up about your annoyance and anger.

im starting to realize for me that its partially my own codie issues but sunshine really had something important to say that resonated, and perhaps it will for you too. i think the major problem is not having accepted the loss of the dream. just like you said, i too have been feeling the lowest in my life for losing something that we were made to believe in... like it was said, even if he were on his road to recovery rather than choosing the path he has you might still feel irritated. because either road the xabfs take is a departure from the nice little packaged fairy tale endings we had built up in our heads.

my xabh is just like some of those pointed out here. the king that are charming, funny, and cute in the beginning. like naive said, the kind of person that is easy to connect to at first but then is complex and chaotic on the inside. i think these aspects of our x's may have led to the build up of the dreams for us. and the kind that when they decide to move forward they just do without really looking back, without really having that rock bottom we THOUGHT they would hit, and leaving us with a sense of abandonment from which develops a greater paranoia to know what is going on with them.

unfortunately i cant really offer you advice on how to deal with this because i am having trouble finding a way to deal with it myself. i just want you to know that i truly understand what you are going through right now. at least having these conversations and talking about these things make us realize that we are not alone in the situations we are going through. and maybe that can give us a little more shred of peace.

LS2

Thank you thank you for this thread!!! Just what I needed to hear tonight to get back on track.