I don't want this
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 21
I don't want this
Just needing to vent to "someone" who understands...
Really struggling in my mind today. Seems every area of my life is a mess and I feel so alone. Can't talk to AH about anything really, because whenever I do he starts drinking again within 48 hours. He can't cope with anything unpleasant without turning to alcohol.
Just struggling to accept that this is where my life is at. I don't want this. I recognize I have a lot of codependent issues, but I honestly feel my AH would probably be dead by now if I didn't do all the things I do.
I love my husband. For the first 15 years of our marriage, he wasn't like this. Even now, he goes through periods of months where he does not drink, and he is great during those times. But as soon as he's back to it, he's REALLY back to it, and it's a nightmare. His last episode, about a week ago, ended with a trip to the ER. Now he's on anti-depressants and I find myself resentful of that. I have to live with all the consequences of his drinking and he gets medication to keep himself from being depressed!
He talks as though his behavior only affects himself. It makes me so angry. He really doesn't seem to see how devastating these last 5 years have been to me and the kids. All the memories and good times I have tried to create for our family are tainted by his drinking. Can't talk with him about it; relapse almost guaranteed.
Just needing to get it out. It helps me tremendously to see many of your posts, and just know that someone out there relates to what this is like.
Really struggling in my mind today. Seems every area of my life is a mess and I feel so alone. Can't talk to AH about anything really, because whenever I do he starts drinking again within 48 hours. He can't cope with anything unpleasant without turning to alcohol.
Just struggling to accept that this is where my life is at. I don't want this. I recognize I have a lot of codependent issues, but I honestly feel my AH would probably be dead by now if I didn't do all the things I do.
I love my husband. For the first 15 years of our marriage, he wasn't like this. Even now, he goes through periods of months where he does not drink, and he is great during those times. But as soon as he's back to it, he's REALLY back to it, and it's a nightmare. His last episode, about a week ago, ended with a trip to the ER. Now he's on anti-depressants and I find myself resentful of that. I have to live with all the consequences of his drinking and he gets medication to keep himself from being depressed!
He talks as though his behavior only affects himself. It makes me so angry. He really doesn't seem to see how devastating these last 5 years have been to me and the kids. All the memories and good times I have tried to create for our family are tainted by his drinking. Can't talk with him about it; relapse almost guaranteed.
Just needing to get it out. It helps me tremendously to see many of your posts, and just know that someone out there relates to what this is like.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: NJ
Posts: 93
Originally Posted by onathread 
Just needing to vent to "someone" who understands...
Really struggling in my mind today. Seems every area of my life is a mess and I feel so alone. Can't talk to AH about anything really, because whenever I do he starts drinking again within 48 hours. He can't cope with anything unpleasant without turning to alcohol.
Just struggling to accept that this is where my life is at. I don't want this. I recognize I have a lot of codependent issues, but I honestly feel my AH would probably be dead by now if I didn't do all the things I do.
I love my husband. For the first 15 years of our marriage, he wasn't like this. Even now, he goes through periods of months where he does not drink, and he is great during those times. But as soon as he's back to it, he's REALLY back to it, and it's a nightmare. His last episode, about a week ago, ended with a trip to the ER. Now he's on anti-depressants and I find myself resentful of that. I have to live with all the consequences of his drinking and he gets medication to keep himself from being depressed!
He talks as though his behavior only affects himself. It makes me so angry. He really doesn't seem to see how devastating these last 5 years have been to me and the kids. All the memories and good times I have tried to create for our family are tainted by his drinking. Can't talk with him about it; relapse almost guaranteed.
Just needing to get it out. It helps me tremendously to see many of your posts, and just know that someone out there relates to what this is like.
Really struggling in my mind today. Seems every area of my life is a mess and I feel so alone. Can't talk to AH about anything really, because whenever I do he starts drinking again within 48 hours. He can't cope with anything unpleasant without turning to alcohol.
Just struggling to accept that this is where my life is at. I don't want this. I recognize I have a lot of codependent issues, but I honestly feel my AH would probably be dead by now if I didn't do all the things I do.
I love my husband. For the first 15 years of our marriage, he wasn't like this. Even now, he goes through periods of months where he does not drink, and he is great during those times. But as soon as he's back to it, he's REALLY back to it, and it's a nightmare. His last episode, about a week ago, ended with a trip to the ER. Now he's on anti-depressants and I find myself resentful of that. I have to live with all the consequences of his drinking and he gets medication to keep himself from being depressed!
He talks as though his behavior only affects himself. It makes me so angry. He really doesn't seem to see how devastating these last 5 years have been to me and the kids. All the memories and good times I have tried to create for our family are tainted by his drinking. Can't talk with him about it; relapse almost guaranteed.
Just needing to get it out. It helps me tremendously to see many of your posts, and just know that someone out there relates to what this is like.
How often are you going to meetings? Thanks.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 21
I have just started going to meetings since his last episode. I have been to 2 so far. It is helpful to talk about how things there, but so far I haven't learned too much about what I should do differently. I know I am not "normal". I feel like I have done all kinds of things a normal person would not do, just out the need to survive and hold our family together. I have often felt like I was losing my sanity, trying to be superwoman and failing.
Some days I can cope with all this, and some days it's really hard. Right now, it's all the financial consequences of him not working for a couple of years. He has a job right now, but we're in a pit from all that time. Every day is a struggle. I'm bitter. Wish I could accept the reality of it and find peace.
Some days I can cope with all this, and some days it's really hard. Right now, it's all the financial consequences of him not working for a couple of years. He has a job right now, but we're in a pit from all that time. Every day is a struggle. I'm bitter. Wish I could accept the reality of it and find peace.
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: NJ
Posts: 93
Originally Posted by onathread
I have just started going to meetings since his last episode. I have been to 2 so far. It is helpful to talk about how things there, but so far I haven't learned too much about what I should do differently. I know I am not "normal". I feel like I have done all kinds of things a normal person would not do, just out the need to survive and hold our family together. I have often felt like I was losing my sanity, trying to be superwoman and failing.
Some days I can cope with all this, and some days it's really hard. Right now, it's all the financial consequences of him not working for a couple of years. He has a job right now, but we're in a pit from all that time. Every day is a struggle. I'm bitter. Wish I could accept the reality of it and find peace.
Some days I can cope with all this, and some days it's really hard. Right now, it's all the financial consequences of him not working for a couple of years. He has a job right now, but we're in a pit from all that time. Every day is a struggle. I'm bitter. Wish I could accept the reality of it and find peace.
It is hard. Sometimes it's one day at a time. Sometimes it's one minute at a time. Being bitter is normal. Anger is normal. And soon awareness will be. And then acceptance. It's so very new now. Be patient. It will work. You will find peace. I was in the same place -- and couldn't find 5 minutes of peace. My mind would race, non-stop, all day, all night. I couldn't sleep. When I did, I was awaken in the middle of night with anxious and fearful thoughts. My mind was my own worst enemy. I couldn't think straight.
I kept going to meetings. I asked -- out loud -- to please have it stop, to stop my mind from racing, to stop the thoughts, and I asked for 5 minutes of peace. I got it. Just asking out loud broke the pattern. It stopped my mind from racing. I asked for the 5 minutes, and I got it. And then another 5 minutes. And another 5. And I started to get better. I kept going to meetings. That along with the rest of the program worked and got me healthy again. It will work for you.
All the best. Keep at it.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: SE United States
Posts: 39
Your comment about not normal really struck me. Of course you don't feel "normal"- you are living in abnormal circumstances. We have all been there- you try all the "normal" coping behaviors that might work in other stressful situations. However, when living with active alcoholism, I have found "normal" does not work. So you grasp at straws, trying to find something, anything, you can do to get through to the A. When nothing works, you begin to question your own sanity, and you slowly become someone you don't even recognize because you have done so many things you swore you'd never do.
It sounds like you are doing the very best you can with the tools you have. Don't beat yourself up! You are coming to the right place to get listening ears from people who understand. As for Al Anon, I have not been as involved as I want to become, but it helps a lot. They say to try 6 meetings before you decide if it will help you. I think if you go 6 meetings to one location/time, and you aren't wild about it, try a different group (if another one is offered where you live). They are not going to tell you what to do at those meetings, because every person and every situation is different. What you will hear is what works for the people who are at the meeting, and how to keep the focus on yourself and be your happiest no matter what the A is doing. What I found useful was listening to others, and reading the Al Anon books. I got mine used off Amazon for very very cheap. It takes practice; take it from someone who still has a loooong way to go. Keep up the good work.
It sounds like you are doing the very best you can with the tools you have. Don't beat yourself up! You are coming to the right place to get listening ears from people who understand. As for Al Anon, I have not been as involved as I want to become, but it helps a lot. They say to try 6 meetings before you decide if it will help you. I think if you go 6 meetings to one location/time, and you aren't wild about it, try a different group (if another one is offered where you live). They are not going to tell you what to do at those meetings, because every person and every situation is different. What you will hear is what works for the people who are at the meeting, and how to keep the focus on yourself and be your happiest no matter what the A is doing. What I found useful was listening to others, and reading the Al Anon books. I got mine used off Amazon for very very cheap. It takes practice; take it from someone who still has a loooong way to go. Keep up the good work.
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 137
I find going to meetings difficult sometimes. In my area, some people have formed cliques. In other circumstances people will go over their alotted times to share about trips to the grocery. Sometimes, they just don't notice newcomers. And you're not going to get answers right away, because nothing good in life ever came for free. First I'm going to say that YOU are doing NOTHING WRONG! Please don't beat yourself up over that. Meetings ARE great when people are giving and sharing the way they should - I hope this is your case - but even if they aren't you can still read the steps and REALLY think about them. I do that two ways:
-I think about what I, in my heart, want.
-I can only put MY OWN best foot forward. After that, it's up to G-d/The Universe/Jesus.
Listen, I'm still on the first step, but miraculously and unbidden, it works.
-I think about what I, in my heart, want.
-I can only put MY OWN best foot forward. After that, it's up to G-d/The Universe/Jesus.
Listen, I'm still on the first step, but miraculously and unbidden, it works.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: NJ
Posts: 93
Originally Posted by RECF
I find going to meetings difficult sometimes. In my area, some people have formed cliques. In other circumstances people will go over their alotted times to share about trips to the grocery. Sometimes, they just don't notice newcomers. And you're not going to get answers right away, because nothing good in life ever came for free. First I'm going to say that YOU are doing NOTHING WRONG! Please don't beat yourself up over that. Meetings ARE great when people are giving and sharing the way they should - I hope this is your case - but even if they aren't you can still read the steps and REALLY think about them. I do that two ways:
-I think about what I, in my heart, want.
-I can only put MY OWN best foot forward. After that, it's up to G-d/The Universe/Jesus.
Listen, I'm still on the first step, but miraculously and unbidden, it works.
-I think about what I, in my heart, want.
-I can only put MY OWN best foot forward. After that, it's up to G-d/The Universe/Jesus.
Listen, I'm still on the first step, but miraculously and unbidden, it works.
Tonight I went to a meeting that is normally an excellent meeting. Tonight it was -- and I hate judging meetings -- just so-so. A bit blah. LOL. Maybe it was the weather, maybe it was because only a few people showed up, maybe it just what it was. Doesn't matter. I get out of it what I put into it. It keeps me grounded. Gives me stability.
Take what you like and leave the rest. Thanks.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: CA
Posts: 428
I just don't want this either. I find myself saying "I hate where I am at" meaning emotionally, mentally and physically. Alanon is helping, therapy is helping, but I still find myself struggling with where I am at. I feel trapped, not knowing what is the best thing to do. Most of the time I am able to just take one day at a time, but the past two days have been really difficult. I want things better, I want a normal life and I can't make him better, and because of my relationship with him I feel I will never have a normal life (even if I leave him...we have 3 kids so there will always be some form of connection). Feeling very depressed and very lonely. Tired of holding myself up and the family up. I bounce between feeling sorry for him, sorry for me and angry at it all. It just sucks, doesn't it.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I find going to meetings difficult sometimes.
And then I caught myself and thought, "how ironic that the topic today is how we can't control anybody but ourselves..."
Al-Anon provides me with a room that I can enter and be among people I feel normal with. I think it's that more than anything else. A place where I don't feel like a freak.
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Wyoming
Posts: 130
It's this exact feeling that finally got me to seeking out online support forums -- that, and being afraid of going to the in-person meetings. It's a small town and I'm afraid of what my husband (alcoholic) would think if he knew I were going. Countless nights I've been unable to sleep a wink and cried for hours because I feel so frustrated and helpless, and have often wondered if I need to seek more mental help.
Tonight was different. Maybe it's not the best example since it's 2:00 a.m. here and I'm still cruising around online thinking about it, but still. My husband was up to his usually favorite drunken pastime, which is trying everything he can think of to start a fight. I was finally getting to the point where I could feel the internal tension rising and kept getting more and more upset. He then called me "mentally maladjusted" and that's what got me -- to snap out of it, that is, and instantly feel normal. For some reason him saying that suddenly made me think of all the obvious proof that there's nothing wrong with me at all, and that my responses to the current situation are only human and certainly not abnormal. It is a constant strain, but it doesn't make us crazy people if we can't just brush it all off -- in fact, I'd really wonder what was up if someone COULD go through it without any negative emotional impact.
At any rate -- if virtual hugs from complete strangers can help at all, I'm sending them to you
. I wouldn't wish this feeling on my worst enemy, but I can't escape the notion that there has to be a road to understanding and truly accepting what's going on, and being able to live life anyway. I know I'm not there yet, but if nothing else rest assured that you're not alone in the struggle.
Tonight was different. Maybe it's not the best example since it's 2:00 a.m. here and I'm still cruising around online thinking about it, but still. My husband was up to his usually favorite drunken pastime, which is trying everything he can think of to start a fight. I was finally getting to the point where I could feel the internal tension rising and kept getting more and more upset. He then called me "mentally maladjusted" and that's what got me -- to snap out of it, that is, and instantly feel normal. For some reason him saying that suddenly made me think of all the obvious proof that there's nothing wrong with me at all, and that my responses to the current situation are only human and certainly not abnormal. It is a constant strain, but it doesn't make us crazy people if we can't just brush it all off -- in fact, I'd really wonder what was up if someone COULD go through it without any negative emotional impact.
At any rate -- if virtual hugs from complete strangers can help at all, I'm sending them to you
. I wouldn't wish this feeling on my worst enemy, but I can't escape the notion that there has to be a road to understanding and truly accepting what's going on, and being able to live life anyway. I know I'm not there yet, but if nothing else rest assured that you're not alone in the struggle.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Wyoming
Posts: 130
Thanks, I'm getting a bit better at it -- and now with the image of a duck in my mind it may be a bit easier 
. Now most evenings I'm able to just laugh it off or ignore him, which of course irks him to no end, but I find that it gets a lot easier to deal with as he comes up with more and more ludicrous stuff to try to get to me with. Tonight he hit a sore spot, but now that I know it's still there maybe I can let it roll off next time.
. Now most evenings I'm able to just laugh it off or ignore him, which of course irks him to no end, but I find that it gets a lot easier to deal with as he comes up with more and more ludicrous stuff to try to get to me with. Tonight he hit a sore spot, but now that I know it's still there maybe I can let it roll off next time.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
it does get easier to identify the quacking. once i got educated here, the quacking didn't work anymore with me. in my head, i'd say "oh. this is quacking. ignore it."
it got to the point that i could anticipate his next quack. reading here on SR helped a lot, because they do appear to follow a pattern of sorts. so, i'd read here that someone's AH had tried a certain approach to manipulate a situation, then i'd witness mine attempting the same on me.
however, i was no longer naive. thanks SR!
it got to the point that i could anticipate his next quack. reading here on SR helped a lot, because they do appear to follow a pattern of sorts. so, i'd read here that someone's AH had tried a certain approach to manipulate a situation, then i'd witness mine attempting the same on me.
however, i was no longer naive. thanks SR!
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: NJ
Posts: 93
Originally Posted by Alone22
I just don't want this either. I find myself saying "I hate where I am at" meaning emotionally, mentally and physically. Alanon is helping, therapy is helping, but I still find myself struggling with where I am at. I feel trapped, not knowing what is the best thing to do. Most of the time I am able to just take one day at a time, but the past two days have been really difficult. I want things better, I want a normal life and I can't make him better, and because of my relationship with him I feel I will never have a normal life (even if I leave him...we have 3 kids so there will always be some form of connection). Feeling very depressed and very lonely. Tired of holding myself up and the family up. I bounce between feeling sorry for him, sorry for me and angry at it all. It just sucks, doesn't it.
You will have a normal life. The contact or connection will be what you want it to be. You will figure that out. It doesn't appear that way now, but you will. Sometimes it might not work out the exact way you want, but you get to a place where you will be OK with that. Just got there myself on an aspect or two of my life. It's a great place. See you there! LOL.
Keep focusing and working on yourself. Do your daily readings and as far as meetings, keep going back. All the best.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 21
Originally Posted by Alone22
I just don't want this either. I find myself saying "I hate where I am at" meaning emotionally, mentally and physically. Alanon is helping, therapy is helping, but I still find myself struggling with where I am at. I feel trapped, not knowing what is the best thing to do. Most of the time I am able to just take one day at a time, but the past two days have been really difficult. I want things better, I want a normal life and I can't make him better, and because of my relationship with him I feel I will never have a normal life (even if I leave him...we have 3 kids so there will always be some form of connection). Feeling very depressed and very lonely. Tired of holding myself up and the family up. I bounce between feeling sorry for him, sorry for me and angry at it all. It just sucks, doesn't it.
I also have three kids. I have often thought of leaving, but I stick it out for many reasons, the top one being that I NEVER want to have to leave my children in a situation with him that could endanger their lives. By staying, I can safeguard against this.
I love him, but I hate him too.
Sometimes, things will seem like they are starting to be alright. He may go weeks, or sometimes months without drinking. But, he always ends up going back. We are going to meetings now, but I'm bracing for a relapse already. The last meeting he went to, afterward he expressed some doubt about whether or not this was the right thing for our family. Uh oh. I am thinking, the last 5 years sure haven't been the right thing for our family!
I'm thinking about a family trip this summer, trying to figure out something we could do on a limited budget, and in the background I have a nagging dread that alcohol will somehow ruin everything. Sigh.
I want to be better. I want for this thing to not control my life, and the kind of person I am.
My oldest daughter knows about everything, but for a long time I was trying to keep it all hidden from our children. She found out one night when he didn't come home from a business meeting and called me drunk, not knowing where he was at. When my daughter found out, she cried and cried, telling me that she thought I was going crazy because I was so emotional all the time, and confessing that she had been hating me. That was really hard. Only my youngest son doesn't know about his dad now, and he brings up times that I have yelled at him or been extremely depressed, like he holds it against me on some level. I just tell myself that some day he will know and understand the burden I've had to bear. But, I don't want the burden to affect me this way anymore. I want to be able to look at things differently. I am sad for my son, that his dad isn't who he thinks he is, and I think I am holding up an illusion. I just try to go on everyday and do what seems best. My middle daughter only found out recently, and she did thank me for not burdening her with the knowledge of it for these years.
Hang in there, alone22. You really aren't alone.
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
He talks as though his behavior only affects himself. It makes me so angry. He really doesn't seem to see how devastating these last 5 years have been to me and the kids. All the memories and good times I have tried to create for our family are tainted by his drinking. Can't talk with him about it; relapse almost guaranteed.
I'm very slowly finding myself able to accept this. I still have twinges of wanting my H to be the man I married, but he isn't and I have friends and a sponsor and this site and al anon and my own internal self to help comfort me and I can't expect or hope that AH will be a part of this group.
It is sad to see happy events, occassions etc... ruined by alcohol. I am ashamed to admit that I am HAPPY when AH doesn't or didn't want to join the girls and I for outings over the years bc it was far more fun without him.
Try and create memories and good times that are just you and the kids together. That's all I can do for now and I am slowly enjoying weekends again and looking fwd to free time when I used to just dread it...
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: CA
Posts: 428
CRX...I'm trying I can promise you that. I read like crazy, go to alanon and see a therapist, but at the end of it all I will still be married to a person who can't give me what I need from him (unless he can truly find recovery, which I just don't see happening). I can find my boundaries, understand his illness, not take things so personally, find happiness and peace without needing him etc, but being with him will never be normal. Leaving him would be such a huge change in my kids lives and my life that it is very overwhelming to me. I have NO support period. Trying to go back to a career that I left 11 years ago would not be easy, trying to figure out how my kids will get to school and who will watch them until I can get home could be hard. Trying to juggle a full time job and 3 kids alone would be difficult. Is it impossible? No, but it would be stressful and I wonder if it would be any more stressful that what I already have. So right now it seems like there are no right answers. I feel like no matter if I stay or go I will be under a huge amount of stress. Finding peace and serenity is going to be hard and I am really upset with myself that I am where I am. Could things be worse? You bet and I am very thankful the are not. BUT I still feel trapped knowing there is no answer which seems right. AND I am fearful where my AH illness will take him.
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Originally Posted by Alone22
CRX...I'm trying I can promise you that. I read like crazy, go to alanon and see a therapist, but at the end of it all I will still be married to a person who can't give me what I need from him (unless he can truly find recovery, which I just don't see happening). I can find my boundaries, understand his illness, not take things so personally, find happiness and peace without needing him etc, but being with him will never be normal. Leaving him would be such a huge change in my kids lives and my life that it is very overwhelming to me. I have NO support period. Trying to go back to a career that I left 11 years ago would not be easy, trying to figure out how my kids will get to school and who will watch them until I can get home could be hard. Trying to juggle a full time job and 3 kids alone would be difficult. Is it impossible? No, but it would be stressful and I wonder if it would be any more stressful that what I already have. So right now it seems like there are no right answers. I feel like no matter if I stay or go I will be under a huge amount of stress. Finding peace and serenity is going to be hard and I am really upset with myself that I am where I am. Could things be worse? You bet and I am very thankful the are not. BUT I still feel trapped knowing there is no answer which seems right. AND I am fearful where my AH illness will take him.
Things will be stressful trying to do it on your own but removing the stress of all that you describe life being like with your AH will be huge. It won't make the other pieces easy, but it will make you better able to deal with doing what you need to do to make a better life for you and your kids...
Is there anyone you could go stay with for a bit? Just having some time/space/distance from the day in-day out stress of living with an alcoholic can be huge and give you a chance to think clearly... That's my experience anyway...
It is what it is
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: NJ
Posts: 280
That sounds like my life a few years ago. TRAPPED. I hated it too. And yup my life is stressful everyday doing it on my own. However, for me it's better to be free and stressed rather than trapped, depressed, controlled, fearful and stressed. Now I can heal.
Peace,
Jen
Peace,
Jen
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: CA
Posts: 428
There is a part of me that really feels like once I figure it all out and if the right thing to do is to leave my marriage it will fall into place. I get really caught up in the "what ifs" and some days I can feel myself just going over the edge (dang PMS isn't helping either). I made myself a promise to take one year to get myself healthy and then see how I feel about my marriage. Here and there I think about how it would work if I did leave. I look at townhouses/condos, try to think of types of after school care for my kids, etc. On my stronger days I feel like I would have no issues taking it on, that it would work out and everyone would be fine....but the past few days I feel weak and the what if's are strong in my head. I keep telling myself that just work on today and when I feel stronger work on the future.
The one decision I came to today is to take back over the finances and bill paying. Not so that I can monitor my AH, but to know where we stand. About twice a year (now being one of those times) there seems to be less money in the bank than I thought and AH and I always get into a heated argument about it. If I take care of it I will just know and there will be no more guess work or arguments about it. I am going to start by looking over the past year of incoming and outgoing money. My gut tells me I am not going to be happy with what I find out, but it needs to be done.
The one decision I came to today is to take back over the finances and bill paying. Not so that I can monitor my AH, but to know where we stand. About twice a year (now being one of those times) there seems to be less money in the bank than I thought and AH and I always get into a heated argument about it. If I take care of it I will just know and there will be no more guess work or arguments about it. I am going to start by looking over the past year of incoming and outgoing money. My gut tells me I am not going to be happy with what I find out, but it needs to be done.
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