ONEinaMILLION

I was in a relationship with an A (first BF then H) for almost 4 1/2 years, and left him 8 months ago. Since I left him and until today, I keep remembering "episodes" that he put me through all throughout the 4 yrs, especially while he was drunk, and I feel angry at him for acting the way he did and at me for putting up with it. The thing is, when I was still in the relationship I wouldn't think about these things as much, and wouldn't feel the way i feel now when I think about them.
Is this normal? Does it ever stop (all the thinking)? I don't want to have these things in my mind anymore, and I especially don't want to feel so angry inside when I look back!

eaglette

Yes; it's very normal. My ex and I split just about a year ago. I am now in a different relationship with a man who treats me the way I want and deserve to be treated. I am, however, still working through the issues I had with my ex, and I still get bouts of anger now and then. Sometimes they are directed toward him, sometimes at myself, sometimes other things and people. It's part of the grieving process...grief over the lost relationship and the lost time. The thinking and resentment does get less and less frequent as acceptance takes its place. Try to focus on what you learned from the experience.

StarCat

It's a safety mechanism in your mind.
When you're in a bad situation, your brain suppresses a lot of the bad memories and experiences, so that you can focus on what's currently happening. Unfortunately, this keeps us in the situation longer, but it would be total brain overload to have all those memories following us around constantly.

Once we're out, it seems like everything hits us all at once, because finally we have the space we need to work through things. As time goes on, working through things, it slows down. I hope it eventually stops, but it hasn't for me, yet. Still, it's fairly new for me, so there's time.

Random things will remind me of some of the crazy things I have been through. Some things I can work through easily, some take longer.

To use a crazy example, I have a very bad childhood memory that prevents me from eating bananas, especially cooked ones. I can't get past the taste, because it brings up this traumatic memory, and I end up having a gag reflex. Someday, I might be able to eat a banana. In the meantime, though, I accept that I don't eat bananas and I don't buy them.

CXR

Yes, this is very normal. I am going through the exact same thing right now. As we speak. And I am going to a meeting tonight. I am angry that I accepted this treatment. I accepted then what I now deem to be unacceptable behavior. I took it then but not now. For me, it was because I was in a bad place and didn't know I had options. Maybe that's not you though. Doesn't matter.

What you are feeling now, remembering, being angry, disappointed in yourself, all of this -- it is part of getting better and getting healthy. It's part of YOUR recovery. You need to recover from being treated the way you were treated. Perhaps some of the times you were a victim. Perhaps other times you were a volunteer -- meaning that you allowed it, accepted it, etc. Whatever. That's OK. You weren't in a good place. So you need to recover from that.

When you were in the relationship, you didn't think about it as much because, perhaps in part, it became normal, you didn't know what to do, you didn't know you had options, you were in a bad place, and perhaps many more reasons. Maybe you were not making decisions well, or at all. You might have been in a place of fear, uncertainty, etc. Now that you are no longer "in it" so to speak, you can "look back" at it. You are now in a better place so you can look at what was from a different and healthy perspective.

You will get past it and not have these things in your mind anymore. Recovery is a process -- a journey, not a destination. And, you are getting better. Progress, not perfection. All the best and keep up the good work.

sandrawg

Anger is the toughest thing for me. I struggle with it daily. For me, it's not just about what I put up with when my exabf was drunk, but further complicating things is the fact that he had this dumb, immature, pot-smoking drunky exgf from high school he could not stay away from. She was his backup. Still is-he rushed to her yet again as soon as I told him he had to get sober or get out of my life.

His whole relationship with her came package in a whole bouquet of lies--lies he told me AND her.

He was screwing around with her when we met. June 2 is the 4 yr anniversary of when I met him and i keep thinking, I need to do some ritual like delete all his photos fro my hard drive or something on that day, because I can't help but wish he had just STAYED with her and left me alone instead of getting my phone number that day!!!

ONEinaMILLION

I'm glad to hear I'm not alone. I think part of the reason why I have these things in my mind is because I haven't been talking to anyone about them. And I do feel the need to talk about them sometimes, but at the same time I can't get myself to do it (talk about it), especially because when I do and I hear myself saying these things outloud I feel even more stupid! Like, God! If I heard someone tell the stories that I have to tell I'd be thinking over and over "WHAT WAS SHE THINKING!!" And I also have the issue that after talking to someone about it I know I might regret it.
For example, I was with a group of friends about a month ago and I told them the story of my wedding day, which was a complete disaster, and afterwards I kept beating up myself thinking "I shouldn't have told them".
Do you talk to friends/family about these things, or do you only share them with your therapist/sponsor/group?

NYCDoglvr

I think it's best to talk to people who understand you best .... people who have been through your situation and come out the other side. I suggest Al-anon and a good therapist.

This is par for the course when ending a long term relationship. The more you can keep busy -- keep moving -- the faster it leaves.

sandrawg

I honeslty only talk to people here on SR, and 1 or 2 friends I met here on SR, and my sponsor. I'm in the middle of finding another therapist, but I used to talk to my therapist about it - unfortuntely he is also my ex's therapist, but at least that was somewhat helpful because he agreed that my ex is an alcoholic. He just thought I was OCD for thinking too much about him but I see everyone else on here going thru the same thing and I think it is part of the fact that we had traumatic relationships.

CXR

Perhaps you do need to talk about them. In due time. It will work out when it works out. Might not be when you want, but it will work out. This too shall pass. If you can't get yourself to talk about it -- then don't. Keep going to meetings, and just listen. That will work too. Also, you should NOT feel stupid. We have all been there. Please let that go. People will hear it and say they did those things too and they will want to help you.

As far as me -- interesting and common story. I spent 8 hours driving back and forth to PA with my best friend. I know him since infancy. Best friends. Period. Nothing we don't know about each other, tell each other, share, etc.

I explained, told stories, shared, etc., everything about my alcoholic wife, what day to day living was like, how I deal and don't deal, about detachment, not enabling, and so on. Everything. Nothing at all against him, but he still doesn't get it.

Now, I share the same thing with someone from program -- for about 15 minutes -- and they get all of it! They get it, understand, empathize, sympathize, all of it. Get the point?

CXR

Agreed. Excellent point. Thank you.

The magic words . . . Keep coming back.

zrx1200R

I too think it normal. I find writing it all down is somewhat liberating.

I have a word document on my computer I've password protected with a completely new and unique to this document only password. Just in case.

Sometimes I write every day. Sometimes I take a month or even a year off.

When I write it down, it serves 2 purposes. First, it gets it off my chest. And I don't feel like I "need" to think about it anymore. Second, and I think equally if not more important, it allows me to keep a record and remember the events. I think people like "us" have an incredible ability to compartmentalize bad experiences. Then we just lock them away, and completely forget about it. Of course there is often a lot of over thinking with it too. But once it's written down, I'm able to stop thinking about it.

Then when I go back and read it, I am often shocked at what happened. I'd completely forgotten until I re-read the journal.

It's 50+ pages now.

Give it a try. It's free.

Sylvie66

I'm starting to get these spurts of anger too. My ABF is currently not drinking, and being very sweet. Today he said that he didn't like it that I moved out (a month ago). I spent the 10 minutes drive home just swearing about all the things I 'didn't like' about his drinking - and being angry at myself for keeping myself in that situation.
I left because I didn't want to fight about his drinking, or deal with it. So even these 10-minute bursts feel like robbed time.
I used to write letters to him, some of which I gave to him, about how his drinking affected us all. The letters are still there. 5 years worth. I'm not sure what happens to them yet.

- Sylvie

LaPinturaBella

When these things are happening, we're not prepared fr them. We push them away because we don't want to or can't deal with the mistreatment at the time. HOWEVER, things buried and not dealt with do not go away. They lie dormant and come up to our consciousness when we are ready/able to face them and deal with them. The only way to heal the hurt is to acknowledge that it happened and then deal with it with a good support system, an Al-Anon group, here and/or a therapist. This is a normal part of healing.