angie4

So.. Because I am a the classic codependent I feel like I need to know everything (not sure why control / fear ~ who knows) One thing I do is snoop. To me the snooping is my way of knowing what is going on with my addict. You see like most addicts mine is a liar. He will tell me he is clean and the only way I can know for sure is to snoop. Ugh that is so embarrasing. I will check the phone records daily (to see who he is talking to and where he is at) I will do random searches of our home. And I keep close tabs on our bank account. My addict says what I do is wrong. That I have to trust him or atleast pretend. That my snooping is causing all sorts of additional problems. because I constantly want to discuss my findings. He says that constantly talking about it keeps it in his head and makes him want to do drugs more. Now I will be honest. Snooping is a discusting act and I am embarrassed that I have stooped so low. However, if there was nothing to find than there would be nothing to discuss. How else can I keep my guards up and protect myself. I think he doesnt want me to snoop because when I dont know what is going on things are great and he is free to do whatever he wants with no problems from me...... am I crazy or what???????

Kindeyes

I understand. I've been there. Are you crazy? No. But is the snooping making you feel crazy? It did me. It's really hard to stop that urge to snoop. The way I look at it is the urge to snoop for a codependent is very much like the urge to use for the addict. That puts in perspective for me how very difficult it is for them to stop using.

The questions I ask myself are: What am I really trying to do when I snoop? Am I trying to prove something that I already know? Am I trying to cause conflict? Am I trying to control the addict? What is my motive?

When we can answer those questions, we have a better chance of changing our own behaviors. And we recognize that we can't change the addict, we can only change ourselves.

Snooping is a codependents drug of choice;-)

gentle hugs
ke

outtolunch

Back when, I was OBSESSED with playing private detective. I rationalized the heck out of it. I maintained spread sheets of data of who, what, when, license plate #. I mean, knowledge is power, eh. It sustained my own fantasy that I had control over my adult daughter.

I eventually accepted that my adult daughter had free will. That was, all things considered a remarkable accomplishment on my part. There was nothing, absolutely nothing, I could do to keep her clean and there was nothing I could do to cause her to relapse. I accepted that I had no power over her. None of us do.

I made the decision that I will not have anyone living in my house that makes me feel the need to protect myself and keep my guard up. Life is way too short for this kind of BS.

hello-kitty

Snooping is an addiction. Much like drugs. It becomes an obsession which is a a form of mental illness. Working your own program of recovery will help. Alanon or Naranon are both good options.

There's a saying around this website, "Work the program you wish the addict would work."

I took this saying to heart. I had to really examine myself. How could I ask someone else to work a recovery from if I wasn't willing to work one myself. I realized I was a hypocrit...

Chino

Your husband IS free to do whatever he wants. He has the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. His drug use is his way and whatever consequences there are, he'll pay them.

What are you pursuing?

erikm02

snooping is no good and will only make the situation worse. Put some of that energy to yourself and positive thangs. Life is too short

angie4

Thanks for all the replies. I have this battle going on inside me. How do you disconnect yourself from the situation? How can you share your life with someone make a promise for better or for worse and not fight for them? It's not in me to give up. And it seems the only way to sit back and do nothing would be to quit loving him. I just dont know how to save myself and abandon him it seems so wrong. I understand tough love. And we do have clear boudries in our home. But, how do you love someone and do nothing as they kill themself? I just cant wrap my brain around it.

hello-kitty

It's not like you can control what he does Angie. Where has your snooping gotten you so far? It hasn't stopped him from using drugs. It's only made him sneaky.

If he chooses to kill himself with drugs, he has that right. You have the right to express your opinion on his choice and then you have the choice to watch... or you have the choice to leave.

Anything beyond that is controlling. and love isn't about controlling someone's choices. Love has to start with self-love.

dollydo

He ia an adult, and should be treated as such. His addiction is his responsibility, not yours. You cannot fight this battle for him. Just because you are not sticking your nose in his biz, doesn't mean that you do not love him.

It means that you are not trying to control him.

To me, what you are doing is very counterproductive, nothing positive is being accomplished.

Have you been to any meetings? It may help.

outtolunch

Boundaries begin with I will/will not.....and let go of the outcome.

Control statements begin with you will/will not and focus on controling outcomes.

Accepting that none of us have control over other people's choices, good, bad or otherwise is a tough life lesson.

newnormal4me

It becomes an obsession which is a a form of mental illness.

Yikes HK! That really hit home for me. Considering I spent several years on that train, I have to say there was something strange and obsessive about it. It was like I had to snoop, and when I found something it brought on the overboard feelings like anxiety, etc., then I did nothing worthwhile about it! A vicious, vicious cycle for sure. I'm soo glad I am not having to live like that at the moment. I also know I probably need to ensure that I don't ever live like that again too.

newnormal4me

Welcome Angie. I am sorry that you have to meet us here...but I hope you are able to glean some wisdom from the stories and replies here.

Just to share a little, I actually had to separate myself from my AH in order to disconnect from the situation. I tried living in the chaos longer than I should have...tried finding peace there. But for me it was not possible. I was way too easily sucked into the cycle with him and my horrible codependent ways.

You ask, "How can you share your life with someone make a promise for better or for worse and not fight for them?" Well, I understand what you are saying, but will add that I did that for 5 years. 5 years of "fighting for him" led to me becoming sicker and sicker myself. The dysfunction between us was truly horrific at times. His choices infiltrated and took over my life. It is no way to live. I also didn't want to give up. I am still holding on to a thread as me and my AH are legally separated. I just couldn't cut the string so to speak. But getting closer and closer day by day. I will tell you that through it all, I still love him. It hurts so bad to see him living in such deep denial while his life is spinning out of control around him. I was never able to "shake him up" and make any difference. I honestly feel that I made things worse.

As far as saving yourself, if you are like me, it might be a long time coming. But just realize that it can start with baby steps, i.e. you can see a counselor by yourself, go to alanon or similar meetings by yourself, read and read. It took me almost 6 years to finally take action. I went to counseling within months of finding out about my AH's issue. I would have never dreamed I'd still be living this nonsense so long after. It's something I regret a lot.

Something that took me a while to "learn" is that doing nothing is a choice. Loving a person has nothing to do with standing by and taking a front row seat to the effects of their horrible choices. We do them no favors by hanging around and enabling them to continue in their choices. I was a master enabler, and it made things worse. I often feel that if I would have took a stand early on, it could have had a better chance of helping him see himself before the denial took such deep root. I also feel that I would have saved myself from years of heartache and pain. There are no winners in this, there are no good choices. It will eventually come down to choosing the lesser of two evils. It is a place I wouldn't wish on anyone.

****{HUGS}}} I hope you start finding yourself soon. Take care.

hello-kitty

Me too newnormal. I became very sick emotionally and mentally when I was in a relationship with my ex. I engaged in very unhealthy, self-destructive behaviors. Nowdays, I ask myself "Who WAS that person??!"

I had to choose to get well from my codependency, much like I had to choose to get well from addiction to drugs.

Recovery takes action. It's a difficult and challenging task. Lots of false starts and stops. It's worth it.