I'm Fed Up
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
I'm Fed Up
AH sent me this email today. We have no money for him to buy himself a motorcycle as his new solution to what ails him. And he's wrapping up "being honest" in telling me what he wants/needs to have fun in his life.
I don't want to respond... But I don't want him running off and buying a bike with money we do not have.
His brother, also an alcoholic thinks that moving to a new town will make life better and AH rants about how sick his brother is. Ummmm, hello? Buying a motorcycle as a solution to why you're unhappy?
I'm angry and fed up and sick of dealing with a child in a man's body. The self centeredness, the narcissism, the immaturity... I have had it with all of it. I am trying to figure out how to make it so the girls can go to camp a few days a week this summer and all he cares about is HIMSELF.
I could care less if he ever recovers at this point-- I just want to stop dealing with the juvenile behavior.
He has NO clue how insane this reads below and thinks this is him "working" the program. Interesting how none of his solutions involve AA.
i had a bit of an epiphany after my appt and the mtg i went to - i am trying to fill the void of fun and feeling good with beer, which will create misery and feeling really bad. i expect u to expect some basics from me - honesty and love. unfortunately, i have felt that i could give love and be dishonest at the same time, but that is an impossibility. So u wanted me to be honest - i want to be honest, so here goes: i would like to do a few things this summer will give me more purpose, camraderie and fun and these include: playing soccer, getting a motorcycle i can fix up and this will help me to not drink. i feel like i can moderate my drinking for a time, and it has been tempting for me to try to learn how to drink moderately... i dont want to drink moderately. i enjoy too much having several beers on an empty stomach and feeling the rush of a buzz. it isnt healthy, and it is dangerous for a variety of reasons. Am i struggling, yes. I am VERY sorry for lying to u, again, and i am tired of running and hiding my double life. i am imperfect andf i need to b ok w that.
I don't want to respond... But I don't want him running off and buying a bike with money we do not have.
His brother, also an alcoholic thinks that moving to a new town will make life better and AH rants about how sick his brother is. Ummmm, hello? Buying a motorcycle as a solution to why you're unhappy?
I'm angry and fed up and sick of dealing with a child in a man's body. The self centeredness, the narcissism, the immaturity... I have had it with all of it. I am trying to figure out how to make it so the girls can go to camp a few days a week this summer and all he cares about is HIMSELF.
I could care less if he ever recovers at this point-- I just want to stop dealing with the juvenile behavior.
He has NO clue how insane this reads below and thinks this is him "working" the program. Interesting how none of his solutions involve AA.
i had a bit of an epiphany after my appt and the mtg i went to - i am trying to fill the void of fun and feeling good with beer, which will create misery and feeling really bad. i expect u to expect some basics from me - honesty and love. unfortunately, i have felt that i could give love and be dishonest at the same time, but that is an impossibility. So u wanted me to be honest - i want to be honest, so here goes: i would like to do a few things this summer will give me more purpose, camraderie and fun and these include: playing soccer, getting a motorcycle i can fix up and this will help me to not drink. i feel like i can moderate my drinking for a time, and it has been tempting for me to try to learn how to drink moderately... i dont want to drink moderately. i enjoy too much having several beers on an empty stomach and feeling the rush of a buzz. it isnt healthy, and it is dangerous for a variety of reasons. Am i struggling, yes. I am VERY sorry for lying to u, again, and i am tired of running and hiding my double life. i am imperfect andf i need to b ok w that.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: NJ
Posts: 93
I hear you. Been there done that. It's part of the 'ism's so to speak. The "let me be completely honest" approach. After being in al anon for a long time, and my experience living and dealing with this, has shed some light on these aspects.
I've learned that, in part, sometimes, this is an effort at some hollow sincerity. It's them fooling themselves that they are OK and being open and honest. Then, if you don't do what they want, or they don't get what they want, they can then blame you. This type of behavior also, sometimes, allows the alcoholic to have some rational (their rational) thoughts and that what they are saying is viable, justified, right, etc. -- and that you will believe them. More of the sickness.
I want to compliment you on the clarity you were able to see -- that none of the solutions involved AA. Stay strong and keep up the good work . . . on yourself.
I've learned that, in part, sometimes, this is an effort at some hollow sincerity. It's them fooling themselves that they are OK and being open and honest. Then, if you don't do what they want, or they don't get what they want, they can then blame you. This type of behavior also, sometimes, allows the alcoholic to have some rational (their rational) thoughts and that what they are saying is viable, justified, right, etc. -- and that you will believe them. More of the sickness.
I want to compliment you on the clarity you were able to see -- that none of the solutions involved AA. Stay strong and keep up the good work . . . on yourself.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Ontario Canada
Posts: 91
I learned a long time ago THINGS don't make people happy or fill any void. A lot of grown men forget they are just that. Responsibility comes first, toys come when you fulfill your first obligation.... your family. Just my 2 cents!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 696
That is a "RED FLAG" to me, that you seriously need to take legal actions
to secure your OWN financial needs.
If he buys, you owe it too.
If he rides & kills someone else, you get sued too.
Currently, I owe half of a $20,000 Harley (hopefully not by the end of next week)
The Alcoholic Move: Trust me, thats not the cure!! Mine moved away and is actually worse, because he can doesnt have to hide it from me anymore. Ask any "REAL RECOVERED" alcoholic, they know better!! It's a another lie, its another Quack!!!
Playing soccer: Omg...What age did he start to play soccer? Thats probably when he started drinking...
Next part he wrote: getting a motorcycle i can fix up and this will help me to not drink. i feel like i can moderate my drinking for a time, and it has been tempting for me to try to learn how to drink moderately... i dont want to drink moderately. i enjoy too much having several beers on an empty stomach and feeling the rush of a buzz.
(( My thoughts: He is not done, He is not ready, He is in denial, He is not in any type of real recovery program, He is an alcoholic))
(((My thoughts: What do you want? What can you change? ...Only YOU can jump off the vicous merry go round, he has his 2 feet planted on that damn thing.
It's time for YOU to make a choice, because he is too sick to make any type of choices.
Work on your own denial, meaning, face the facts of what you want, understanding you cant change him, understanding he is a sick person, understanding this is the way he is going to be, until he drops to his knees and decides he wants to change, understand it is up to YOU to make a difference in your life and your kids.
Time to get creative in your own life & find new ways to make money without him.
He is sick!!! He is an alcoholic & always will be..
*Remember, if they get into a good solid recovery program & seriously work it.
He would not be acting this way. But remember, it also takes a good 18 to 24 months
for their minds to recover & repair brain cells, so pretty much, this is what you will
have to deal with until then....That means, NOT 1 drink in his body, for 18/24 months!!!
If they drink one, the brain will continue to do circles on repairing itself!!
If he is not into a solid recovery program, like I say, you might as well talk to the freaking dog....It is pointless. Their minds are not capable of understanding nothing!!!
Dont let him drag you down NO MORE..Let go of the baby's hand, he is an adult. Dont deny yourself of anymore in life..))
Motorcycles..Uggg,, let's see how many $400 a month payments have I made, because he failed to pay them?...How many times did he put my daughter on the back drunk?...
How much pain have I been in, since he plowed into me on his motorcycle?...How long will I be off of work, because I have to have surgery on my shoulder from the wreck?...How much have I paid in insurance for the motorcycle?....How many bartenders know him by his first name from stopping in on his bike?....How much stress do I have on me today trying to make a $1200 month house payment, because he pays on his Harley instead?...
Im no longer in denial...Mine moved away to drink & ride his motorcycle, Without the old witch naggin down his back....
As I am selling almost everything I own to pay bills & eat...
He is drinking and looking very cool on his bike...
WELL..He can keep on doing it
...I am no longer in denial...Im moving on...Hope you do too!!!!!
to secure your OWN financial needs.
If he buys, you owe it too.
If he rides & kills someone else, you get sued too.
Currently, I owe half of a $20,000 Harley (hopefully not by the end of next week)
The Alcoholic Move: Trust me, thats not the cure!! Mine moved away and is actually worse, because he can doesnt have to hide it from me anymore. Ask any "REAL RECOVERED" alcoholic, they know better!! It's a another lie, its another Quack!!!
Playing soccer: Omg...What age did he start to play soccer? Thats probably when he started drinking...
Next part he wrote: getting a motorcycle i can fix up and this will help me to not drink. i feel like i can moderate my drinking for a time, and it has been tempting for me to try to learn how to drink moderately... i dont want to drink moderately. i enjoy too much having several beers on an empty stomach and feeling the rush of a buzz.
(( My thoughts: He is not done, He is not ready, He is in denial, He is not in any type of real recovery program, He is an alcoholic))
(((My thoughts: What do you want? What can you change? ...Only YOU can jump off the vicous merry go round, he has his 2 feet planted on that damn thing.
It's time for YOU to make a choice, because he is too sick to make any type of choices.
Work on your own denial, meaning, face the facts of what you want, understanding you cant change him, understanding he is a sick person, understanding this is the way he is going to be, until he drops to his knees and decides he wants to change, understand it is up to YOU to make a difference in your life and your kids.
Time to get creative in your own life & find new ways to make money without him.
He is sick!!! He is an alcoholic & always will be..
*Remember, if they get into a good solid recovery program & seriously work it.
He would not be acting this way. But remember, it also takes a good 18 to 24 months
for their minds to recover & repair brain cells, so pretty much, this is what you will
have to deal with until then....That means, NOT 1 drink in his body, for 18/24 months!!!
If they drink one, the brain will continue to do circles on repairing itself!!
If he is not into a solid recovery program, like I say, you might as well talk to the freaking dog....It is pointless. Their minds are not capable of understanding nothing!!!
Dont let him drag you down NO MORE..Let go of the baby's hand, he is an adult. Dont deny yourself of anymore in life..))
Motorcycles..Uggg,, let's see how many $400 a month payments have I made, because he failed to pay them?...How many times did he put my daughter on the back drunk?...
How much pain have I been in, since he plowed into me on his motorcycle?...How long will I be off of work, because I have to have surgery on my shoulder from the wreck?...How much have I paid in insurance for the motorcycle?....How many bartenders know him by his first name from stopping in on his bike?....How much stress do I have on me today trying to make a $1200 month house payment, because he pays on his Harley instead?...
Im no longer in denial...Mine moved away to drink & ride his motorcycle, Without the old witch naggin down his back....
As I am selling almost everything I own to pay bills & eat...
He is drinking and looking very cool on his bike...
WELL..He can keep on doing it
...I am no longer in denial...Im moving on...Hope you do too!!!!!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Motorcycling is a GREAT activity--for SOBER alcoholics. I know several guys (and a few women) who got into it in a major way post-getting-sober. Their bikes are parked, several nights a week, outside the AA meetings.
But as MOTIVATION to quit drinking? Or, even more unlikely, "cut down"?
LOL, take a read sometime about Bill and Lois's motorcycle "adventures" before Bill got sober. That didn't work out so well in the "motivation to quit drinking" department...
But as MOTIVATION to quit drinking? Or, even more unlikely, "cut down"?
LOL, take a read sometime about Bill and Lois's motorcycle "adventures" before Bill got sober. That didn't work out so well in the "motivation to quit drinking" department...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
oh good grief.
"u need 2 b ok with me being imperfect."
dude, I am so ok w/your motorcycle and soccer and kid games and cameraderie.
but I won't be married to you while you find yourself. I have enough children to supervise. good luck.
"u need 2 b ok with me being imperfect."
dude, I am so ok w/your motorcycle and soccer and kid games and cameraderie.
but I won't be married to you while you find yourself. I have enough children to supervise. good luck.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Yeah, AH and I had Harleys... We used to go riding... Ie bar hopping with AHs friends... And then babies came and time for riding went away. I sold my bike 2-3 years ago, AHs has parked ever since... Rotting. He was suppose to sell it a year ago, and just this weekend told me... "there's no way it's going now!!"
Doesn't bug me one bit... He's not on my car insurance, and He has a healthy life insurance policy that will take care of the kids.
It's all about protecting yourself legally WTBH. He's going to do what he's going to do. What are you going to do to protect and take care of you and the kids?
Doesn't bug me one bit... He's not on my car insurance, and He has a healthy life insurance policy that will take care of the kids.
It's all about protecting yourself legally WTBH. He's going to do what he's going to do. What are you going to do to protect and take care of you and the kids?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
"running off and buying a motorcycle with money WE do not have"......I'm very sorry, but you are still thinking WE...(like a married couple)..you are putting your children's welfare first...thinking about using spare $$ to send them to summer camp.
He is not thinking WE or family finances..he only cares about his wants and a new toy. Motorcycles...very cool for him, along with soccer and his interpretation of his new recovery.....like Dr. Suess says..."oh the places you'll go"......
it is hard to decide what is best, but you seem to be on different planes....You are WE and he is ME.
He is not thinking WE or family finances..he only cares about his wants and a new toy. Motorcycles...very cool for him, along with soccer and his interpretation of his new recovery.....like Dr. Suess says..."oh the places you'll go"......
it is hard to decide what is best, but you seem to be on different planes....You are WE and he is ME.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
I did not mean to sound like a we in the married sense... It was "we"- collectively, our incomes that go to a roof and food.
GB. What am I doing? I'm divorcing him. That's been in the works for several weeks. I have a lawyer. I didn't think I'd need to go the change bank acct route. I do not have income of my own after June 30. I have no doubt I will find a job (I am not moving to MA unless it's absoluetly necessary so I am looking here) and when I do I will file. My lawyer (who I really, really like and she has experience with alcoholism) has confirmed what I thought; filing now, asking for custody and having no job will get me nothing. I am waiting to show I have my own income and I will find a job I am sure and then I can demonstrate that I can be fine on my own with the girls.
AH is not living at home and I see him as little as possible... I just got caught off guard with this new turn of delusional talk and needed to vent... Just when I think I know what to expect he demonstrates that he is sinking faster and faster into delusional thinking and I am glad I got out. Technically I am not out, but emotionally I'm well on my way and I'm most definitely not going back.
At least one good thing about his idiotic email-- if he fights me on separating bank accounts, I can point out that I have proof (or I'll let my lawyer do it) that he can't be trusted to not spend foolishly...
For what it's worth... I'm not in denial about what he is, I'm not hoping he'll change-- I'm just fed up as one poster said, with having 3 kids.
He can buy anything he wants with money that his parents give him, from a bank robbery etc... but it will not be with money that should and will go toward the girls.
GB. What am I doing? I'm divorcing him. That's been in the works for several weeks. I have a lawyer. I didn't think I'd need to go the change bank acct route. I do not have income of my own after June 30. I have no doubt I will find a job (I am not moving to MA unless it's absoluetly necessary so I am looking here) and when I do I will file. My lawyer (who I really, really like and she has experience with alcoholism) has confirmed what I thought; filing now, asking for custody and having no job will get me nothing. I am waiting to show I have my own income and I will find a job I am sure and then I can demonstrate that I can be fine on my own with the girls.
AH is not living at home and I see him as little as possible... I just got caught off guard with this new turn of delusional talk and needed to vent... Just when I think I know what to expect he demonstrates that he is sinking faster and faster into delusional thinking and I am glad I got out. Technically I am not out, but emotionally I'm well on my way and I'm most definitely not going back.
At least one good thing about his idiotic email-- if he fights me on separating bank accounts, I can point out that I have proof (or I'll let my lawyer do it) that he can't be trusted to not spend foolishly...
For what it's worth... I'm not in denial about what he is, I'm not hoping he'll change-- I'm just fed up as one poster said, with having 3 kids.
He can buy anything he wants with money that his parents give him, from a bank robbery etc... but it will not be with money that should and will go toward the girls.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
you might want to ask your lawyer to file for "light support"...(I cannot spelling proper latin name, pendendte leete)?. This will insure that he pays the joint household expenses and what is needed for child support on a monthly basis fairly. It is figured on yearly income (at least in NJ thats how it works).
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
LOL, "lite" support. Sorry, I don't mean to make fun, it just made me smile. It's "pendente lite" (pendentay leetay) (sounds like Pig Latin, huh?) which actually means "pending litigation". It's a temporary order, not a permanent one. It's intended to get you by while the divorce is pending and everything is sorted out.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Originally Posted by Darklight 
I told her: "Either get into therapy or get into a recovery program, or I'm will have to ask for a divorce." At first, she told me to go to hell, but when she saw that I was serious, she grudgingly went to a 12-step program.
Today she thanks for standing up to her addiction.
Today she thanks for standing up to her addiction.
Didn't for me. I was told to go to hell... and then he cracked a beer open.
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