angie4

My husband and I have been married for the past 10 years. We have 4 children (2 of which are mine from a previous marriage ~ which my husband adopted shortly after we were married). I didnt know at the beginning of our marriage the he was an addict (maybe he wasnt at that point). However, I did know he partied a little more serious than I did. Anyways, several years into our marriage I began suspecting something wasnt right. I remember very clearly the first time I found his "stuff". He had been acting strangely after a friend has "stopped by". I noticed he went into our closet and so I went in after him to investigate. I found $ and drugs in his shoe. He was dealing and snorting oxycontin. And so began the roller coaster of my life ~ one I have wanted off more times than I can count. At that point in our marriage he seemed to have life under control. Of course, it wasnt long till that ended. We both worked for a family business and it didnt take long for everyone to figure out what was going on. He was selling drugs ~ doing drugs and it affected every aspect of his life. Like every other drug addict nobody would have expected him to end up this way. He was always Mr. Popular in our small town. Had / Has alot of friends. Is a wonderful father and adored / respected by all. Who would have known the road he/we would take. He was eventaully fired from our family company. He tried rehab (which only lasted a few days). He started up his own company and spent every dollar he made on drugs. I spent several years borrowing money to keep us in our house, food on the table and the lights on. It took everything I had to keep my head above water and my sanity in check. I kicked him out several times (let him back each time with new promises and plans). We eventually sold our house and moved away. Things really seemed great in our new town. The old routines went away and he seemed clean and all seemed well. We stayed away for 2 years. Life was great. Good jobs. Happy kids. Bills being met. Until we decided to move back. Looking back it was the worse decision I have ever made. And truthfully I knew it when I agreed. But, we both missed our families and we thought it would be better for our kids to be near their grandparents and in schools they loved and missed. So... as I am sure you have already guesses... back on the roller coaster. Didnt take long at all. Maybe 6 months and he was at his worse. The day I found needles changed my life. His addiction had (in my mind) escalated to a new level. He was now the creepy guy in the back alley shooting up with dirty needles not caring wether he lived or died. Wow. That last sentence was a hard one. I have been on this new roller coaster (which is much bigger and much scarier) for almost 2 years. He has stolen from his parents (arent they glad we are back) he has stolen from us (lawn mowers, TV's, Money, Xbox, you name it). I cant look at the man that was once my wonderful protecting husband without seeing the track marks. Now please dont get me wrong.. he is functioning. He goes to work everyday and still somewhat provides but I am sure that too will end at some point. About a 6 months ago I asked him to leave. That was the weekend he stole our TV. I told his parents what was going on and told our oldest daughters the same. looking back I do regret telling the girls. I hate that they have to see there daddy like that and I think it changed them somehow. I truely feel quite guilty for that. He was gone for 2 weeks. I didnt call and just survived. While he was gone I heard a commercial on the radio about a doctor who does drug treatment with suboxone. I had never heard of that before and called them. I scheduled him an appointment and he went. The day before his appointment he came by the house and asked to come home. He said he couldnt get clean out there with his friends and needed us. He had a long talk with the girls and me and we decided to let him return. He has seen the suboxone doctor for 6 months now. He's still not clean. I am not sure how he does it ~ but he is apparently taking both. It has not reached the point of stealing but the lying is still there. He thinks he has it all under control and I know he doesnt. I sometimes get a glimpse of the man I love and that is what keeps me going. I struggle everyday with my beliefs. I am a christian woman and do believe for better or for worse. I read a book recently about a man who prayed for a wife and God sent him a hooker. And thru Gods grace he loved this woman until she eventually loved him back. Although, the name of the book escapes me it was a wonderful book. I want to be more like that man. But, unfortunatley I am not. I am angry. I am hurt. And I dont know how to get thru this. I wish I was strong enough or didnt care enough to leave. But, I am not. I know I cant change him, control him or cure him. I except that. What I dont know is how to love him.

Kindeyes

angie4
Welcome to SR. You will see soon that your story is not unique. Many of us have lived or are living some version of what you are experiencing. We are all here to find support and find a path toward serenity.

Serenity. That word wasn't even in my vocabulary a few years ago. Like you, I lived too many years riding that roller coaster, first with an addicted husband, whom I divorced, and now with the son from that marriage.

I wish, for my son's sake, I had found SR or Alanon or Naranon years ago. I was so naive. I didn't understand addiction.

It took a lot of years of heartache to finally find a source of comfort....to take my life back.

I still struggle from time to time as my adult son is still active in his addiction and is living on the streets, but I am able to find long stretches of serenity. And when I allow myself to get pulled back into the insanity, I can more quickly recognize it and extract myself.

We help each other here on SR through crisis but also with the process of searching for a path to serenity. We do this through sharing our own experiences, strength and hope.

I hope you stick around. There are wonderful people here who know what it's like to love an addict. You are not alone.

gentle hugs
ke