jayscott

Hellooooo, SR...it's been way too long. If you recognize my username and remember my story, you might remember that I was about to go into an emergency custody proceeding involving my STBXAW and our 10-month-old baby. That was about 6 weeks ago. Since then:

• I wimped out at the last minute...she got a job, and her first day of work was scheduled on the day of the hearing. We postponed things so she could "get her feet under her."
• I had to take two business trips out of town. The first one was only 24 hours...fly out Tuesday night, fly back Wednesday afternoon. It was a horrible mistake...she was drunk the entire time. For the second trip, I had family stay at the house for 4 days; she drank the entire time.
• She abandoned him at daycare one day to drink and forgot to pick him up.

I think that pretty much catches y'all up on the "highlights." She's now extremely depressed, drunk, hateful, and blaming me for all of her unhappiness. She's joking about taking meth, talking about killing herself and wanting to die, and says she's afraid of what she'll do if I take the baby away from her.

Unknown to her, after returning from the last trip to find her drunk at home with the baby, I called the lawyer and rescheduled the custody hearing for this Thursday. She finds out on Wednesday. I know it's not my job to fix her and that I need to look after my child's needs in this moment, but at the same time I can't help but feel responsible for what is looking like a very dark weekend for AW.

I'm so tired of calling 911, going through the detox game, another discharge against medical advice, another round of anger and blame for checking her into a place she doesn't want to be. I'm tired of being accused of things that aren't my fault. I'm tired of hearing how much she hates me, and hearing 30 minutes later how scared she is of losing her family.

I am going on faith that eventually, there is sanity on the other side of this tornado.

lillamy

Jayscott -- I've been thinking about you guys and wondering how things were going. We have to go as many rounds as we need to go until we feel like we're ready to move on with our life... and it sounds like you're there.

My counselor said something to me that may or may not help. I told her I felt responsible for how my X was feeling when he couldn't see the kids. She said, "Not only do you have a RIGHT to do what you're doing, you have a RESPONSIBILITY to yourself and to the children to do exactly this. You are the responsible adult, and children need to be able to know and trust that at least ONE person in their life will make the uncomfortable decisions that are necessary for them to be safe. You're OBLIGATED to do what you're doing." (And I know that flies in the face of us always having choices, etc., but it helped me.)

Deep breaths and good luck on Thursday (please let us know how it goes when you have time!)

carrswholesale

Looking at your sobriety date i take it you are familiar with the program. For me when i was in the similar situation i had to step back and say the serenity prayer many times as i do each day. Doing the first 3 steps again and getting my butt to 2 meetings a day for a while helped me through my situation. Aa is a selfish program in that we need to do whatever the next right thing is and not to take that first drink. Good luck, and i will say a prayer for you.

jayscott

It's stupid, but I've been frustrated with myself for not following through the first time around. I was 24 hours from the courthouse.

I keep telling myself now: how many times is too many times to come home and see your child being taken care of by a clearly drunk person? Most people would probably answer '1.'

lillamy

Well, hindsight and all that stuff. It took me 18 years from the first time I came home and found him drunk and not taking care of the baby.

So all things considered, at least you're ahead of me...

chicory

Wow.

This is a tough time for you. Feeling sadness for her I am sure. But thinking about what she is risking when she drinks and cares for the baby gives me chills. She is too sick to think clearly, as she risks that baby's life when she drinks while in charge of a very precious and vulnerable little being.

Perhaps thinking of what catastrophe you might have come home to in that situation will help you to detach from her more, in order to give you peace about what you must do.

Baby is the most important thing here. I know that you know that, and I send supportive thoughts of strength.

You cannot change her, you cannot protect her from her bad choices. You cant make her do anything, and unless she sees the need, she wont ever change.

If this mother was frightened enough of losing her baby, she would be in treatment. She knows what she must do. Get you and the baby off her train ride, no matter how sad it makes her, she has no right to expect anyone to come along for whatever danger she drives toward. When we accompany them, it gives them a bit of security -jump off so she knows without a doubt that it is not ok-that she has to take that dangerous hopeless road alone, cause it leads to death and misery, and that you wont let her choose the direction of your lives anymore.

thinking of you, and that sweet baby. i know it is tough. Glad that you are stepping in faith , you are a good dad.
hugs
chicory

GettingBy

Don't be so hard on yourself. Your baby is only 10 months, so I'd say you are getting to your bottom a lot quicker than others (present poster included, my babies are 5 and 3). Everyone has to travel their path and reach their own "bottom". There is no "right" answer... Only you know when you are truly done. It's not an easy decision to make, and it won't be made, and stuck too... Until you are truly done.

Kind of like an alcoholic in that way. They can try and try to force sobriety, play all sorts of mind games to "control it", but until and unless they reach bottom, accept they are powerless and work a recovery program... Nothing changes.

Hang in there. I'm glad you have a new court date for Thursday. You are doing the RIGHT thing for your child.

Fandy

I'm glad that you are getting to court this week. You have given your wife every chance in the world to show that she can change, recover and improve family relations. Forgetting to pick up the baby at daycare? drinking while home alone with him? that is not the act of a mother who is "afraid of what will happen if you take her child away"....that is a pure selfish person who doesn't give a phlock about anyone except herself.

I hope things get less stressful for you very soon.

LexieCat

Jay,

Sorry you're still dealing with this downward spiral. You are out of any other choices that are viable.

Don't despair--other moms have eventually gotten sober and rebuilt their relationship with their kids. The hope can always be there--but you and the baby don't have to be in the meantime.

Hugs,

Florence

I wonder this about myself too. Like, sometimes I step back and wonder if this is actually my life, that these are the choices I'm making and this is the partner I chose to be with.

Hugs, Jay. No advice from me, just a shoulder to lean on.

nodaybut2day

Jay...I wanted to pop in and send you hugs.

What matters now and what you need to focus on today is your impending court date. That will get the legal ball rolling in a major way. The rest (her quacking, the feelings of guilt/frustration/anger) is unimportant. Keep your eye on the ball and on your little one.

*hugs*

Shellcrusher

Hey jayscott.
I've been thinking about and wondering how it's going with you. Doesn't sound so good. Like Gettingby said, don't beat yourself up. You'll know when it's time to do what you need to do. That is a rather vague statement but I found myself in similar shoes a few weeks ago. I was prepared to file a divorce. My wife sought out professional help and she's been doing okay since then.

Without jumping too far into the codie world, I felt an obligation as a husband to stand up while my AW took action on her own to get help. I realize this could be the start of another cycle backed by super quacks, but I still have hope and I'm sure you did too. I believe your hope for her recovery was proven otherwise. So while you may be feeling bad because you were 24 hours close, that's history. Take what you have now and make your next right move.

Cyranoak

Doesn't matter now, just don't do it again. You already know that. Making this mistake again could result in things you in no way want to live the rest of your life with. She's on her own now, and it's up to you to protect yourself and your baby.

The **** I'm going through right now because I didn't do this I wouldn't wish on anybody. It's only dumb luck that my daughter is still alive (for now-- she is suicidal, self-destructive, and when given choices to be either smart or stupid, always chooses stupid). That she survived her mother is a miracle-- it's going to take another miracle for her to survive herself.

Take what you want and leave the rest,

Cyranoak

jayscott

Yes, yes, and yes, all of the above. We're ready when we're ready, it's just weird how ready I thought I was before until presented with an opportunity to offer an act of kindness. Didn't want to mess up her new job. Ironic how she's doing that just fine all by her self, tyvm! She skipped work this morning. She didn't call in sick, she didn't call and say "I quit." She just didn't show up.

My mind is racing forward to how she can make the court date play out in the worst possible way...I can easily picture her being presented with an order to leave the house by 5pm and just saying "no, I won't leave." That will be fun.

Despite all the mess, though, it's good to have that court date to focus on. She will be out of my house in 53 hours. Guess I need to find a locksmith next...

GettingBy

Yup, just keep taking it one step at a time. Stay in reality, here and now... dealing with facts, not emotions...

and you'll do just fine.

Fandy

FWIW, locks and deadbolts are really easy to change out yourself...I 've done it and not even scraped my manicure. Went to the local Home Depot or Lowes and bought new sets easily for $50., I think the only thing I used was a phillips head screwdriver.

jayscott

Sold! Probably a good idea to give myself a little project in the beginning hours, anyway.

MyBetterWorld

Glad to hear from you again...though I was hoping for a better conclusion to your story. I am sorry things have been this way for you. We are all in a similar boat, thanks for updating us. Stay strong......she can't get her feet under her......time to worry about you and the baby and stop worrying about her!
M

naive

we are with you all the way.

Shellcrusher

True. Another tip. The Schlage "re-key" locks you can get at a big box store are pretty good, however, they tend to slip and become hard to open with a normal key. Do yourself a favor and get as many matching sets as they have and then have them rekey the rest. They'll do it for you. I'd also say that while the schlage rekey locks wear out, their other line of anti-pick locks are very good.