detachment and love
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 82
detachment and love
So, for the past couple of months--i've really found more and more peace... i've been focusing on myself... and getting my life's momentum starting again. I'm no longer having anxiety problems, I find myself laughing, I find myself really feeling "whole" again--one with my identity, and I have confidence in making life decisions again.
However, whenever I start to feel myself "pulling away" (im guessing this means detachment), I get a knot in my stomach NOT WANTING to let go. It's almost like I feel like if I detach, that means I stop loving him... and in my lifetime, I don't think I've ever really had to stop loving anyone. Why is it so "bad" to care about someone when you're having no contact? No ham no foul, right? It's like if I feel the thought of letting him go, a HUGE part of me wants to hang on because I feel like if i let him go--i have to forget the man i love... render all of my love for him inexistent... and that just seems so "wrong".
Do you guys have similar feelings? Also, how can I love someone and be detached? I don't know how to love someone and not "actively" wonder for their well-being. I'm in no way trying to start any contact with him... it's more like my just not wanting to "let him go" in my heart. I hope this makes sense.
However, whenever I start to feel myself "pulling away" (im guessing this means detachment), I get a knot in my stomach NOT WANTING to let go. It's almost like I feel like if I detach, that means I stop loving him... and in my lifetime, I don't think I've ever really had to stop loving anyone. Why is it so "bad" to care about someone when you're having no contact? No ham no foul, right? It's like if I feel the thought of letting him go, a HUGE part of me wants to hang on because I feel like if i let him go--i have to forget the man i love... render all of my love for him inexistent... and that just seems so "wrong".
Do you guys have similar feelings? Also, how can I love someone and be detached? I don't know how to love someone and not "actively" wonder for their well-being. I'm in no way trying to start any contact with him... it's more like my just not wanting to "let him go" in my heart. I hope this makes sense.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 338
I so understand how you feel. I just had a very emotional weekend in a place that is very special to my AH and I. We spent the weekend with family for my FIL's memorial service. My AH and I had more interaction than usual but I was able to focus and open myself to more of his family that I feel close to. It was my chance to say goodbye to my FIL, to a special place and in some ways to my AH. I realized some things.
I am in my own "space" as my SIL noted. I was not his "wife" but an important part of his family.
I could see how his disease continues to progress-from the vodka bottle on his nightstand to his drunken state while the rest of the family visited. He was "detached".
I could see that and it did not trigger me. It confirmed that I am exactly where I need to be. Yes it hurts to see him going deeper into this disease but I am not going down with him.
He was super nice to me when he was drinking. Mean and unaccepting of my kindness when he wasn't. He brought up an incident that had occurred that we had talked about. He had no recollection that we had discussed it. I think he is having blackouts. I don't want to live with someone who only can be loving if they are drunk.
It has taken me a whole year to understand what someone told me when I was at my worst.
I never have to stop loving him or caring about him. But I can choose to not have a close relationship with him that would be hurtful to me.
I am not ready to let go fully either. I want to be that person that never gives up on hoping that our marriage can be mended but I know he is no where near that and I don't need to be around him til he figures it out. He may never figure it out. He may never choose sobriety. I don't have to stop loving him but perhaps some day I will be ready to accept that we will never be in a married relationship again. Then I will move on but I can continue to love and care about him.
It seems like a contradiction and it is very hard to live this way but time has helped me to accept, surrender and continue living my life.
I am in my own "space" as my SIL noted. I was not his "wife" but an important part of his family.
I could see how his disease continues to progress-from the vodka bottle on his nightstand to his drunken state while the rest of the family visited. He was "detached".
I could see that and it did not trigger me. It confirmed that I am exactly where I need to be. Yes it hurts to see him going deeper into this disease but I am not going down with him.
He was super nice to me when he was drinking. Mean and unaccepting of my kindness when he wasn't. He brought up an incident that had occurred that we had talked about. He had no recollection that we had discussed it. I think he is having blackouts. I don't want to live with someone who only can be loving if they are drunk.
It has taken me a whole year to understand what someone told me when I was at my worst.
I never have to stop loving him or caring about him. But I can choose to not have a close relationship with him that would be hurtful to me.
I am not ready to let go fully either. I want to be that person that never gives up on hoping that our marriage can be mended but I know he is no where near that and I don't need to be around him til he figures it out. He may never figure it out. He may never choose sobriety. I don't have to stop loving him but perhaps some day I will be ready to accept that we will never be in a married relationship again. Then I will move on but I can continue to love and care about him.
It seems like a contradiction and it is very hard to live this way but time has helped me to accept, surrender and continue living my life.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 821
I have also struggled with similar emotions and I also think that learning how to detach is very difficult. It's difficult because of the emotions so I get stuck.
I've since learned how to separate the alcoholic from the person. I can still love my wife but I hate the AW. For me that's a rational way to deal with an otherwise foggy area in my life. Once I clear the fog and gain some clarity I can get back to working on me. From that point, my life continues and the chips will fall where they may. I remain in control of myself and I remain aware of my feelings and I'm doing it from a selfish personal drive and this is okay.
I shared with someone else how I "detach." Think of it like an hourly job. You have to clock in. You have breaks, you get lunch and then you clock out. There's only so much time during that workday. When I go to lunch, I'm going to lunch to eat. I'm not going to lunch because I get to avoid work. Well, maybe sometimes but in general this is how I shift my intentions. I've answered honestly, why I take lunch. It's to eat. It's to enjoy my burger and fries, whatever. When I take a break, it's about the break. Not about getting away from something else. The side benefit will always be there. I'm going to lunch and not at work. I believe that if you go to lunch to get away from work, then you're not directing your energy, thoughts, emotions towards that burger you want to enjoy. I can try and get away/detach from work by going to lunch. Unfortunately, I stuff my face with the burger that I didn't taste, let alone enjoy and life was lost for that time. I never got to enjoy anything and guess what? My cycle simply restarts and I'm back at work. What happened to my burger? My intentions were not clear or at least they were focused on the wrong things. So for me, learning how to understand why I'm doing something is paramount.
Apply that to our alcoholics and detachment. It's not my goal to stay away from my AW. It's not my goal to pack my day with things that have nothing to do with my AW. That would imply that my actions are gearing towards my AW and that is not detachment and it's not why I'm doing something. Case in point. I am learning how to play the guitar. I'm not doing it because I have a reason to get away from my AW. I'm doing it because I've always wanted to do it. Sure, there's a side benefit of being away from the AW but again, that is not WHY I'm doing it.
It's a slight shift in how you think about it but so many times I read on here how people are trying to detach from their alcoholics. I do not believe that's what it's about.
Attaching to yourself should be the goal. Detaching from the Alcoholic should not be the goal. See how that works? It's a win/win. It's not some rigid hard line concept of getting away.
I've since learned how to separate the alcoholic from the person. I can still love my wife but I hate the AW. For me that's a rational way to deal with an otherwise foggy area in my life. Once I clear the fog and gain some clarity I can get back to working on me. From that point, my life continues and the chips will fall where they may. I remain in control of myself and I remain aware of my feelings and I'm doing it from a selfish personal drive and this is okay.
I shared with someone else how I "detach." Think of it like an hourly job. You have to clock in. You have breaks, you get lunch and then you clock out. There's only so much time during that workday. When I go to lunch, I'm going to lunch to eat. I'm not going to lunch because I get to avoid work. Well, maybe sometimes but in general this is how I shift my intentions. I've answered honestly, why I take lunch. It's to eat. It's to enjoy my burger and fries, whatever. When I take a break, it's about the break. Not about getting away from something else. The side benefit will always be there. I'm going to lunch and not at work. I believe that if you go to lunch to get away from work, then you're not directing your energy, thoughts, emotions towards that burger you want to enjoy. I can try and get away/detach from work by going to lunch. Unfortunately, I stuff my face with the burger that I didn't taste, let alone enjoy and life was lost for that time. I never got to enjoy anything and guess what? My cycle simply restarts and I'm back at work. What happened to my burger? My intentions were not clear or at least they were focused on the wrong things. So for me, learning how to understand why I'm doing something is paramount.
Apply that to our alcoholics and detachment. It's not my goal to stay away from my AW. It's not my goal to pack my day with things that have nothing to do with my AW. That would imply that my actions are gearing towards my AW and that is not detachment and it's not why I'm doing something. Case in point. I am learning how to play the guitar. I'm not doing it because I have a reason to get away from my AW. I'm doing it because I've always wanted to do it. Sure, there's a side benefit of being away from the AW but again, that is not WHY I'm doing it.
It's a slight shift in how you think about it but so many times I read on here how people are trying to detach from their alcoholics. I do not believe that's what it's about.
Attaching to yourself should be the goal. Detaching from the Alcoholic should not be the goal. See how that works? It's a win/win. It's not some rigid hard line concept of getting away.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: NJ
Posts: 93
Originally Posted by forgotten1 
So, for the past couple of months--i've really found more and more peace... i've been focusing on myself... and getting my life's momentum starting again. I'm no longer having anxiety problems, I find myself laughing, I find myself really feeling "whole" again--one with my identity, and I have confidence in making life decisions again.
However, whenever I start to feel myself "pulling away" (im guessing this means detachment), I get a knot in my stomach NOT WANTING to let go. It's almost like I feel like if I detach, that means I stop loving him... and in my lifetime, I don't think I've ever really had to stop loving anyone. Why is it so "bad" to care about someone when you're having no contact? No ham no foul, right? It's like if I feel the thought of letting him go, a HUGE part of me wants to hang on because I feel like if i let him go--i have to forget the man i love... render all of my love for him inexistent... and that just seems so "wrong".
Do you guys have similar feelings? Also, how can I love someone and be detached? I don't know how to love someone and not "actively" wonder for their well-being. I'm in no way trying to start any contact with him... it's more like my just not wanting to "let him go" in my heart. I hope this makes sense.
However, whenever I start to feel myself "pulling away" (im guessing this means detachment), I get a knot in my stomach NOT WANTING to let go. It's almost like I feel like if I detach, that means I stop loving him... and in my lifetime, I don't think I've ever really had to stop loving anyone. Why is it so "bad" to care about someone when you're having no contact? No ham no foul, right? It's like if I feel the thought of letting him go, a HUGE part of me wants to hang on because I feel like if i let him go--i have to forget the man i love... render all of my love for him inexistent... and that just seems so "wrong".
Do you guys have similar feelings? Also, how can I love someone and be detached? I don't know how to love someone and not "actively" wonder for their well-being. I'm in no way trying to start any contact with him... it's more like my just not wanting to "let him go" in my heart. I hope this makes sense.
I would share about this. Look at the topics on detachment and love for that matter in ODAT and Courage To Change. This can offer you insight and perspective on this. Stay strong. Keep working and focusing on yourself. This will allow you to be healthy.
It is what it is
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: NJ
Posts: 280
Detachment is not about not caring or loving the person anymore. In fact, it's detach with love, not just detach. For me what that means is not taking my life and emeshing it so deeply into the other person's that their every reaction, emotion or thought takes on more importance than my own. It means keeping a healthy boundary between me and that person but still being loving and caring. I think boundaries are the key. Not accepting the unacceptable. Loving myself first.
There is a great page in one of the daily readers that gives an example of detaching with love vs. detaching. I will paraphrase the story as I don't have the book with me.
The wife was tired of always helping and taking care of her drunken husband every night. She set up a boundary and decided she was not going to help him into bed when he passed out on the floor one night. Instead she just walked over him, left him there and went to sleep. The next morning she was so proud for the milestone she achieved in detachment and told her sponsor. Her sponsor reminded her that detaching didn't mean she couldn't show love. Instead of stepping over him, or rescuing him by getting him into bed, she could just put a blanket over him. Detaching with love.
Peace,
Jen
Peace,
Jen
There is a great page in one of the daily readers that gives an example of detaching with love vs. detaching. I will paraphrase the story as I don't have the book with me.
The wife was tired of always helping and taking care of her drunken husband every night. She set up a boundary and decided she was not going to help him into bed when he passed out on the floor one night. Instead she just walked over him, left him there and went to sleep. The next morning she was so proud for the milestone she achieved in detachment and told her sponsor. Her sponsor reminded her that detaching didn't mean she couldn't show love. Instead of stepping over him, or rescuing him by getting him into bed, she could just put a blanket over him. Detaching with love.
Peace,
Jen
Peace,
Jen
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