February

Grrrr. I have been in my PJs since 3 pm. DD7 was home sick today and I got 2 hours of sleep last night, so I decided when AH took kids to his house after DD5 got done with school, I was going to relax.But I am sitting home feeling lonely and confused. While I went out running errands early this afternoon AH was at my house taking care of DD. During this time AH cleaned up my kitchen and left a $20 on my bookshelf. I thanked him for being nice when I did not feel well, and AH said, this is all I have wanted since you left was the chance to be nice to you. I am so frustrated with myself that one day of him being wonderful can seemingly make up for so much crap. I am still reeling from having to go to the cops yesterday (thankfully I have had no more calls or texts from stalker) so I know I am not in the best frame of mind. I wonder sometimes though when I WILL feel like I am in a good frame of mind again. I look back on the time before I left AH and it seems so much simpler - at least I had him to help with the kids when he was sober. I know hindsight puts on rose colored glasses and things were NOT as calm as I am remembering. Anyone else find that leaving was not as good as you hoped it would be?

Also feeling WORN OUT. I don't know why I push myself so hard. Have 2 jobs that total up to more than 40 hours a week and are both professions in which I bring home work with me. I sometimes am jealous of people who go to work, work 8 hours, and take nothing home with them. I need to find something to make enough to support my kids with ONE job. I like both of my jobs, but am having trouble finding peace lately because I can NEVER seem to get much done and I am forever forgetting things. If I examine this too far I usually get pi**ed that I am trying to to all the supporting of these kids and it is wearing me out. I have this intense fear of doing without money if I let myself off the hook and work just one of the jobs. I don't want to take government assistance; somehow that seems like giving up to me, a person who thought when I got married, that I was going to have the nice quiet life in the suburbs and be able to retire someday...

Thanks for reading my ramble. I am so glad I found my way back to SR.

StarCat

In my case, it took awhile to set in. I am extremely happy I left, now... But I spent a lot of time in PJ's, sleeping in until 11pm, skipping meals because I didn't feel like eating. If it didn't happen over Christmas I am sure I would have honestly considered skipping work, too, even though at the time it would have meant I'd be short on my paycheck (since XABF was very good at "assisting me" in spending my vacation time as soon as I earned it, too).


All I can suggest is to do the things you like to do when you can, because even if you're not enjoying them right now, it did help to keep me moving forward, and eventually I discovered I was enjoying them again.

LaPinturaBella

Feb...I think part of this is you have been under an incredible amount of stress lately. Of course you will feel worn out. Plus, to be frank, the stalker situation alone could throw anyone into a major overstressed tailspin. Add leaving your husband, working two jobs. I'm surprised you haven't dropped sooner.

It will even out and get better and better with time. Emotions will come in waves...that's how grieving, letting go and moving forward work...in waves. Hang in there...we are here.

GettingBy

I agree... the emotions are all over the place - up one minute, down the next. Ride them out and try not to dwell on them.

As for you AH, it's good to appreciate and acknowledge the little gestures - but again, don't dwell on it and let it cloud your reality. You left for a very good reason. I don't know how long you were gone... but, give yourself time to adjust and have patience... and then some more patience.