whereisthisgoin

It's clear we are living like roommates. Soon school will be over for our son for the summer - that seems like a really good time to end the marriage - it's way past due.

I was curious for those who have done it - what day / what time did you do it? Seems like it would be good to find a sober time, of course! Then, did you also figure out a place for your children to be at that time?

I am not worried about physical or verbal abuse - just trying to plan the best-case setting.

lillamy

I don't know that there is a "best-case" setting for delivering bad news... and I also don't think it's something anyone can advise on... I know in my case, it came out at a really bad time, but that was when I was done and needed to say it.

So I guess I'd say, ideally, maybe try to start talking about it before it becomes an emergency and you just can't help blurting it out...

GettingBy

We sat down one night after the kids went to bed, and were asleep. I told him that I wanted to talk about our marriage... I wasn't even really sure I wanted to use the D word... But then he opened his mouth, the quacking starting and I realized that was it. I was really done, and I said as much. Short and simple... No blaming, name calling...on my part anyways... Just I'm done and I want a divorce. I honestly know it is right because since I said it two months ago, I have not, not even once, had the desire to discuss anything short of divorce.

As for the children, I tried several times to haul them off to family so we could "talk"... The timing was never right, I guess I just wasn't really ready.

skippernlilg

We had been living together for almost 4 years, not yet married (thank goodness). My child was asleep in bed. I started talking about 'us'. He started talking about drinking. He escaped several times to the bathroom to 'get his head together'. (drink).

He admitted he started drinking again. I told him he would not be able to do that here. He left that night. My child was still sleeping.

That was a week ago today.

He's been getting his stuff out gradually while my child is in school. (forgot to say: just found a bottle in my recycling container when I got home from work yesterday. Not sure if he was drinking here all day or one he found in a closet he was cleaning out. It was a defining moment for me)

I told my child Tuesday morning. My child had a few tears, but seems really happy and adjusted. My child hasn't even mentioned missing ABF this time (he's left before).

Eight Ball

I had been to a late afternoon doctors appointment as I had run out of migraine tablets due to having three migraines in a row. At that time, I had been having heart palpitations that I had put down to some anti-depressant tablets I was taking and was also suffering anxiety/panic attacks on the way home from work.

My doctor was very alarmed at the number of tablets I was taking, as I am overweight and have high cholesterol too and said that if I didn't get it under control I would end up having a stroke.

I know that my AH is slowly killing himself but I cried on the way home and thought to myself that his alcoholism is going to end up killing me! I have been trying to detach for the past year or so and its not really working for me.

When I got home, he asked how my doctors appointment went and I calmly said, that he chooses to drink and as an adult that is his choice to make. I also had a choice however and that was whether to continue to live with an alcoholic or leave and I was choosing to leave.

He got a bit angry, muttered something about how I have always had migraines and about having to sell our new boat and went to bed with a beer in his hand.

That was five weeks ago. We are in separate bedrooms whilst I look for a nice rental to move to and are essentially living a bit like roommates who dont get along with each other.

My AH and I are empty nesters as our DD's have both moved out over the past few years, so no children around to consider.

nodaybut2day

XAH and I spoke about our marriage one weeknight...DSS was in his room. It was a very anti-climactic talk: calm and composed. No yelling. He said things weren't working and I simply agreed. The sh*t hit the fan later on when he realized that the big D meant I wouldn't be his slave anymore.

GettingBy

I second this comment... the moment I said I wanted a divorce wasn't nearly as tense as the subsequent conversations about what the divorce ACTUALLY means. AH has said repeatedly that he thought that first conversation was just me "bluffing" and trying to force him to change... uh, nope. No idle threats here. Said what I meant, meant what I said, and didn't say it mean.

I will say this... if you thought things were bad before you play the divorce card... be prepared for them to get much worse. My AH has ramped up the drinking ("Why bother staying sober now? You're done with me anyways!"), and is just being a plain old pain in the arse with EVERY little detail ("I didn't want this, so why should I be inconvenienced by it?!?!). There will be bait, bait like you have never seen before... to try and get you sucked back in, and make you doubt your decision... ignore it. Don't engage in conversations as much as possible.

It's rough - and some days are definetely harder than others... but they are all just fleeting moments, steps in the process to move you towards a new life that honors YOU.

returntonormal

Thanks for asking this question! I'm also wondering the same thing.

Thumper

This was also my experience and you said it well so I won't repeat it.

My kids were in bed when I told my xah.

lightseeker

I think that the best time to do it is when you are calm. It helps to have your plans mapped out and to know the legal in and outs of what you are talking about.

Your question about the kids is a good one. I think that talking to him when there are not around is the safest bet. It is going to be an upsetting time for them and knowing the plan and what is going to happen really helps them out a whole lot.

Hope that things go well.

lillamy

I third this. Even if the initial conversation goes smoothly, be aware that that might not be the end of it.

JenT1968

I don't actually remember where the kids were. They weren't with us in the kitchen. I can't remember if it was a school day and I'd come home from work or a weekend. Anyway. it was a morning. and the kids weren't there.

I'd suggest getting some plans in place before doing it. I didn't and the next 10 weeks were hell. That in many ways cemented how right my decision was but it was enormously stressful.

Any break-up involves one person having a head-start emotionally on the decision, so you'd expect some catching up/denial/bargaining, but in our case it was extreme, and I made some decisions that I wish I hadn't, in order to allow him time to come to terms (he still 2 years later is insistent that I left him because of another man, and looks for evidence of this imaginary person on a weekly basis whenever we have contact).

Take legal advice and then have a short order plan that involves little co-operation to ensure that you are living seperately as soon after the conversation as possible. Living in horrible tension for months on end does neither of you any good.

MsPINKAcres

we had the conversation a million times ~ so to be honest I really can't blame him for not believing me when I said - I am truly completely finished this time -

Only when I asked him to not be at the house Thanksgiving Day and the Friday afterwards because I was moving those days did he finally realize it was serious.

He has still never given up the fight - that was in 2008 - He called me yesterday - totally messed up and expecting me to still "do some favor" for him -
I simply told him AGAIN "Don't call me messed up and I'm hanging up the phone"

Time to apply my program full force, changed the ring tone & I'll not be answering the phone/text messages when i hear him call.

Calm discussion or heated fight - either way - please be prepared to take care of you and stick to what is healthy and best for you & your children

Each of you deserve it!
PINK HUGS,
Rita

ONEinaMILLION

I don't have kids so I have no idea how that works out, but the first few days after I moved out were really tough, and I kept thinking to myself "how do people who have kids manage to stay on their feet while going through this??" Cause honestly, I barely had energy to get up in the morning and get things done.
So I keep thinking that if I would've had kids, I probably would've found a way to not have them around for a few days while I got back on my feet, as I wouldn't want them to see me all sad and lost, like I was on the days following my separation.

NYCDoglvr

If at all possible, stop living with your soon-to-be-ex husband. Otherwise the drama will go on and on.