stupd_less-than_thoughts
i've done my almost
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 1,934
stupd_less-than_thoughts
As I sit here and type, my alcoholic mind is trying to tell me that I'm not good enough.
That I'm less than. That I'm never going to be succesful again.
That other people are better than me and they've got it all figured out and I never got the manual
I'm 18 months sober and in AA. One of the steps in AA is an amend step and I made an amend today to someone I used to work with. Usually, these "former peer, boss, or direct report" amends are bitter sweet b/c it's a weight off my shoulders, but it's hard to hear they are still working for the same company I was fired from (first time fired, 11 years seniority, manager, etc...) or that they've moved on to something even better.
I have about 80 amends, but I've done darn near 50 of them with great results.
I'm making way less than I used to, but I've been employed the entire time.
I'm on probation for 2 duis, but I'm doing great in meeting all the requirments and I even got my license back.
In short, I really went downhill in my last few years of drinking and created a lot of wreckage, but I've found a solution and I'm working through it all, making headway, but...
It's a lot of hard work and there is a lot more to do.
Some days, it takes a lot of enery to stay positive, be available to help others, and to recognize how much I've already done and how blessed I really am.
Today is one of those days... I'm feeling sorry for myself today.
Drinking is simply not an option for me today and I'm very grateful for that, but...just wanted to post my thoughts as it always seems to help.
Kjell~
That I'm less than. That I'm never going to be succesful again.
That other people are better than me and they've got it all figured out and I never got the manual
I'm 18 months sober and in AA. One of the steps in AA is an amend step and I made an amend today to someone I used to work with. Usually, these "former peer, boss, or direct report" amends are bitter sweet b/c it's a weight off my shoulders, but it's hard to hear they are still working for the same company I was fired from (first time fired, 11 years seniority, manager, etc...) or that they've moved on to something even better.
I have about 80 amends, but I've done darn near 50 of them with great results.
I'm making way less than I used to, but I've been employed the entire time.
I'm on probation for 2 duis, but I'm doing great in meeting all the requirments and I even got my license back.
In short, I really went downhill in my last few years of drinking and created a lot of wreckage, but I've found a solution and I'm working through it all, making headway, but...
It's a lot of hard work and there is a lot more to do.
Some days, it takes a lot of enery to stay positive, be available to help others, and to recognize how much I've already done and how blessed I really am.
Today is one of those days... I'm feeling sorry for myself today.
Drinking is simply not an option for me today and I'm very grateful for that, but...just wanted to post my thoughts as it always seems to help.
Kjell~
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,414
It's all in the perception I guess Kjell...I've been with you for a lot of this journey.
You've come a long way and have done amazing things, man...and continue to
No less thans here
Hope tomorrow looks brighter for you
D
You've come a long way and have done amazing things, man...and continue to
No less thans here
Hope tomorrow looks brighter for you
D
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,892
You aren't drinking
You have 18 months sober
You are active in AA
You have completed over half of your amends
You have a job
You got your license back
You are moving forward and making progress.
WOW!! You have done a lot!! You have no reason that I can see to feel "less than." You are far ahead of many, many people. You're doing great!!
You have 18 months sober
You are active in AA
You have completed over half of your amends
You have a job
You got your license back
You are moving forward and making progress.
WOW!! You have done a lot!! You have no reason that I can see to feel "less than." You are far ahead of many, many people. You're doing great!!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Canada
Posts: 3,413
Kjell, you have made remarkable progress... so please be proud of all the accomplishments you have made over the 18 months. You are right, it isn't easy -- but you have done it - no one else. Don't feel "less than".
I, too, get in a downer every now and then -- try to focus on what you have now compared to what you had 18 months ago.
Sending hugs and positive thoughts Kjell. Tomorrow is another day and I hope it is better for you. A good sleep always helps.
I, too, get in a downer every now and then -- try to focus on what you have now compared to what you had 18 months ago.
Sending hugs and positive thoughts Kjell. Tomorrow is another day and I hope it is better for you. A good sleep always helps.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 14,919
Kjell, I disagree with you, I think you've got things figured out pretty well. I look forward to reading your posts because you always have something intelligent and relevant to say.
We all go through times when we are feeling down, I did last night. I was at a men's group meeting last night and we were discussing the Doctors Opinion from the Big Book about how alcoholics drink because we like the effect. Several guys shared stories about how they drank because they liked the effect, and the stories they told really hit home for me. I felt a lot of guilt and shame because I haven't always been the husband I planned on being when I stood in a church and took marriage vows many years ago. I don't think my wife was planning on getting married to an alcoholic. I feel great today, but last night for a time I felt like a real loser.
We all go through times when we are feeling down, I did last night. I was at a men's group meeting last night and we were discussing the Doctors Opinion from the Big Book about how alcoholics drink because we like the effect. Several guys shared stories about how they drank because they liked the effect, and the stories they told really hit home for me. I felt a lot of guilt and shame because I haven't always been the husband I planned on being when I stood in a church and took marriage vows many years ago. I don't think my wife was planning on getting married to an alcoholic. I feel great today, but last night for a time I felt like a real loser.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I know I have days when I feel like I'm this amazing person who's smarter than the average bear. Then there are days when I feel like the world's biggest dumb*ss. The truth lies somewhere in between. And when I start feeling too far either way, it's generally an ego issue.
Overall, I spend WAY too much time thinking about myself. When I can get away from that, it's when I feel the most balanced.
Overall, I spend WAY too much time thinking about myself. When I can get away from that, it's when I feel the most balanced.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Kjell))) - been dealing with that today, myself. A family friend died, her cousin graduated nursing school with me. Was absolutely dreading seeing her again, explaining why I'm no longer a nurse. Logically, I KNOW I've made good progress, as have you, but some times we just have those days.
At the visitation, tonight, I learned that this girl got addicted to pain meds after a bad wreck, had a hard time and went to rehab. The friend who died? Her son was supposed to go BACK to rehab today.
I went there, full of shame, and left feeling grateful that I can be there for her son, that I "get" what he's going through, and am even more grateful that despite losing his mom, he is not drinking.
I have over 4 years in recovery, and still have "those days". In the end, I go to sleep clean every night, after spending the day working to clear up the wreckage of my past, work toward a better life. We all do, and that's pretty darned cool
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
At the visitation, tonight, I learned that this girl got addicted to pain meds after a bad wreck, had a hard time and went to rehab. The friend who died? Her son was supposed to go BACK to rehab today.
I went there, full of shame, and left feeling grateful that I can be there for her son, that I "get" what he's going through, and am even more grateful that despite losing his mom, he is not drinking.
I have over 4 years in recovery, and still have "those days". In the end, I go to sleep clean every night, after spending the day working to clear up the wreckage of my past, work toward a better life. We all do, and that's pretty darned cool
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 426
I'd imagine these sorts of feelings are relatable for just about all of us. I lost a lot, and it's sometimes frustrating to realize how far the climb back up is. It's easy to focus on what I've screwed up and all that I used to have that's absent now. But I also figure that I clearly never really had it together as much as I thought the first time around, so maybe I've not lost so much as I have gained a shot at truly getting it right this time around.
I'm sorry you're having a rough day. For what it's worth, your posts have helped me a great deal. So thank you for that.
I'm sorry you're having a rough day. For what it's worth, your posts have helped me a great deal. So thank you for that.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: SoCal CA
Posts: 1,319
As I sit here and type, my alcoholic mind is trying to tell me that I'm not good enough.
This isn't your alcoholic mind, it's your human mind. Everyone thinks like this as one time or another. We all get in slumps and get depressed, even normal people. It sounds like you have alot on your plate. (80 amends???) That sounds like something to look forward to.
Be thankful for what you have, don't compare yourself or your situation to others because you really don't know what anyone else is going through. Stay sober, enjoy life and try to improve everyday. If you feel like the best and easiest path to true happiness and success is on your current path than stick with it. If you feel like you are being overwhelmed and it is depressing you, stop, reassess what you are doing and move in the direction that can bring you the most happiness in sobriety.
This isn't your alcoholic mind, it's your human mind. Everyone thinks like this as one time or another. We all get in slumps and get depressed, even normal people. It sounds like you have alot on your plate. (80 amends???) That sounds like something to look forward to.
Be thankful for what you have, don't compare yourself or your situation to others because you really don't know what anyone else is going through. Stay sober, enjoy life and try to improve everyday. If you feel like the best and easiest path to true happiness and success is on your current path than stick with it. If you feel like you are being overwhelmed and it is depressing you, stop, reassess what you are doing and move in the direction that can bring you the most happiness in sobriety.
i've done my almost
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 1,934
Thanks for all your kind words.
I'm already taking steps to get "back to good".
This morning, as I was getting ready for work, I couldn't help but think about how I used to stay in this "place of self pity" for days, or weeks, or maybe even months. Now I have tools to lessen the time I choose to stay here. You see, there was a time I didn't have a choice, but now I do.
...and Lexie, spot on. I hate that it's true, but it's true.
Kjell~
I'm already taking steps to get "back to good".
This morning, as I was getting ready for work, I couldn't help but think about how I used to stay in this "place of self pity" for days, or weeks, or maybe even months. Now I have tools to lessen the time I choose to stay here. You see, there was a time I didn't have a choice, but now I do.
...and Lexie, spot on. I hate that it's true, but it's true.
Kjell~
i've done my almost
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 1,934
Originally Posted by Supercrew 
It sounds like you have alot on your plate. (80 amends???) That sounds like something to look forward to.
.
.
I do agree, that its not just an alcoholic thing, but a human thing, but a lot of what I'm dealing with is a direct result from my untreated alcoholism.
...and these amends, it's hard work for sure, but very rewarding. You wouldn't believe the responses I get and it just feels right with the universe when I set right my past wrongs.
The weight I've been carrying around decreases with each one (some are HUGE).
Kjell~
...is learning and growing...
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 573
I have HUGE issues about one of my previous jobs where I was a manager...I wasn't fired but I was actively drinking for the last few years there and really screwed up what could have been a great lifelong position were it not for my alcoholic ego. After 14 years I just walked away from it because they hurt my feelings...no joke 
Point is...I feel you big time and know how hard it can be to revisit those areas of our past. Glad to see from your last couple of posts that you're doing better already...onward and upward!
Point is...I feel you big time and know how hard it can be to revisit those areas of our past. Glad to see from your last couple of posts that you're doing better already...onward and upward!
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