ONEinaMILLION

I just received a call from the guy who was our landlord for the apartment I rented with my AH while we were married (I moved out, he stayed there). He called me by mistake, was actually looking for my AH, and told me that he hasn't paid rent in the last two months. He is a very decent man (the landlord) and told me he didn't want things to get ugly but that he's considering kicking him out of the apartment. I told him maybe that would be the best way to go.
I really don't know if I should try to contact someone in his family and let them know what's going on. He owes some money on my car, which he should've paid by February but hasn't finished paying, now I find out that he is not paying rent either, and on top of that I know he's drinking and I'm pretty sure no one other than me is aware of that. I kind of feel the responsibility to tell someone, but then I think I shouldn't be worrying about him. After all, we're not together anymore and it is not my problem if he wants to keep on messing up. But God, I received that call and I felt a hole in my stomach! Now I can't think of anything else...I get so worried but at the same time upset at him for not putting his act together. I feel relieved to have left him but feel the need to still do something for him. Is this normal? Is it my codependency speaking?

lillamy

I hope you made sure the landlord knows that YOU no longer have any responsibility for paying the rent.
That's where your responsibility ends.
That, and dealing with the fact that your ex is supposedly doing your car payments. Because I bet he's not. And that will become your problem...

Cyranoak

I'm with everybody else. This is the perfect opportunity to do what we are taught in recovery which is to not protect the addict from the consequences of their actions, not do things for them they can or should be able to do themselves, and to not get involved in things that are none of our business.

As harsh as this sounds, he's your ex and it's none of your business.

Take care, take what you want, and leave the rest.

Cyranoak

Florence

Someone had a great analogy for addiction and codependency on here once. It helped me reframe my thinking, so I'll share it with you here:

This person who you care for and love sitting in the middle of the interstate with cars and trucks whizzing past. Your stomach is turning and each close call has you so anxious and upset that there seems to be no other option but to run out there and do whatever you can to save him. But in that moment, in your anxiety, you are forgetting that your loved one is perfectly capable of standing up and walking off the interstate.

The way I see it, you can scream and cry for him to get off the road, but if he doesn't want to, he's not going to. You can run out there and risk your life as you know it to save someone who doesn't appear to want to be saved. Or you can realize that the guy has choices, and it's not up to you to exercise his options for him and figure out how to live in a way that doesn't tie your stomach up in knots.

That last option is the one I know is best, and the one I struggle with most.

February

I think you are doing well to recognize that this desire to "help" is codependent. It is normal to have those feelings when having lived with an A. I took a LOOONG time to figure out I was doing nothing to help; just prolonging the inevitable. I still have to stop myself when these kind of ideas jump into my head to "help" my A- who has 2 college degrees and is perfectly intelligent enough to solve his own problems, IF he chooses. My family does not seem to get that me getting involved (i.e. by telling my AH's parents how bad his decisions are or that he has not paid his bills) would not be helpful. I think it is human nature to want to help people we love; people who have not lived in codependent situations are not as likely to see enabling for what it is (at least not at first). Don't beat yourself up- you are on the right track.

StarCat

I think it's normal, for people like us, at some point to feel that tug back to rescue him from his addiction, even after we think we're emotionally gone from that relationship. Especially when there is a mistake and we learn an update on their progress (or lack thereof) slipped in through a mutual friend or an accidental phone call or email.

In my case it was Thursday night, a call about would I please talk to his daughter regarding how he treated me, because he's going to the psychologist as he's become delusional, and his daughter wants to guarantee that the psychologist hears the truth.

My sponsor helped me navigate this one. Of course I want to help, but I also don't want to get pulled back into the insanity. I did my time, I'm done. So I left a voicemail saying that I would not talk to her about it, but that I would be willing to consider talking to his psychologist if the psychologist wanted to talk to me. I was especially relieved that it went to voicemail in the first place, since I knew then she wouldn't call me back (can't, rather - I blocked her back when this whole thing started).

Relieved, that is, until I got an email from her. It was gut-wrenching. To quote two phrases that are still tugging at me:
Because he is suffering so intensely over the breakup...
[I am] desperate to try and get some answers so I can help him before its too late. Frankly, I think it already may be.

In this case, with this language, I don't think it's codependent to feel a tug to go back and "help" with this. But I know it won't help, so I'm standing firm and not replying.
Who doesn't get a little teary seeing the adds on television to support the ASPCA or schooling and medicine for African children? But I don't have the money right now to donate to the humane society or adopt a child from the Congo or support missionaries in the jungle or smuggle Bibles to China, so I don't.


Feel all the feelings you need to feel, ONEinaMILLION. What matters is how you act upon them. He doesn't need a babysitter, he needs some real life consequences, and running to inform his parents of what's going on is not really going to help him.

At this point, all I can do for XABF is say a prayer and walk away, leave him in HP's more capable hands.

ONEinaMILLION

Thank you all for your replies and for putting my feet back on the ground. It is definitely not my problem and I shouldn't do anything about it. I just wish my stomach wouldn't tie up in knots every time I hear things like this, but I guess that will only happen with time.
I went to my therapist today and she told me that I'm not doing bad but that I'm not doing well either... She mentioned a few times how angry I was inside and that I looked really anxious. That made me realize that I can't keep avoiding the inevitable... I've been hoping to just close this chapter of my life and move on, and now I'm starting to realize that I won't be able to close and move on until I deal with all the pain I have inside and get it out of my system. Well, at least I've realized this now, so I'd like to think I took a baby step today. I'm actually feeling good for that! Thank you all for listening! :o)

GettingBy

I, for one, think you are doing great... it's progress, not perfection. And there is no finish line in recovery - it's forever. Scary, sad, and maybe frustrating... but true. Just like alcoholics, if we stop working OUR recovery - we risk relapsing back into those same bad co-dependent behaviors.

I let my recovery slip for a few years... and it didn't take me any place good. But I'm back on the "wagon" and plan on staying here as long as I can.

Give yourself time... you have a lot to be anxious and angry about... and getting over that isn't going to happen in a single session.

LaPinturaBella

If you're anything like me, you probably have a tendency to not deal with your anger, but to "stuff it." Don't. Anger is part of the grieving process...it has to be expressed and dealt with. Otherwise it turns inward and becomes depression. And who does that hurt? You.

I'm not saying to become a raving lunatic, or to go postal or to become a screaming banshee. But you do have to release that emotion. If yuo don't it will fester, grow and led to depression and other physical ailments.

What helps me is to find quiet, deserted place. Then I throw rocks, I yell, I literally scream and sob. Scream everything you've ever wanted to say to ex. No one will hear but you and your HP. It really is a freeing experience, both emotionally and physically to just get it out.

skippernlilg

The landlord, however 'nice' he is, just wants his money. I doubt, wholeheartedly, that the phone call was an 'accident'. He figures if someone, anyone, will just pay, he's got his own problem taken care of. It's a pain to have to evict someone. And then spruce up the place for relisting to rent. Recognize that for what it is.

Ok, on to the next thing. It was inappropriate for the landlord to have called you, and you need to make it clear that is no longer your responsibility, as his lease agreement clearly states the name of the person who is responsible.

You may offer the contact information for your EXAH and request that no more calls be directed to you about this.

Now, as far as wanting to let someone else know. I understand your 'feeling' about this. However, if you are concerned about what is best, you will also recognize that if your EXAH needs help, he will ask for it. And then, it's up to the person he calls whether they will or will not 'help' him. If he calls you for help, you should be prepared with an answer.

Expect the best, prepare for the worst.

I hope you avoid codependent behavior, and not even take the call. That's honestly what I would do. He'll just call the next person who will help him enough so he can continue drinking. That's his goal right now. No sense in making any kind of negotiations with him, really. You've done all that.

Work with what works. Continue with your path. And SMILE!