returntonormal

First, I want to thank all of you for posting. I have learned so much over the past several weeks. I've also read the "empowered recovery" book and am attending alanon meetings.

I know I have to leave my marriage. My AH does not think he has a drinking problem, because "he can moderate". Some of the time. When he does not moderate, it's because he chooses not to...or something. It's hard to keep track of the excuses. Whenever he's around I feel anxious. I can't concentrate at work because I feel so overwhelmed at the thought of telling him I want a divorce (or separation), I cry over what this will do to the kids and the dog (I know..wtf). I cry over the hopes I had for our marriage, and I cry over the knowledge that I should have known better and done something about this years and years ago.

I know many of you have separated from your AH. Can you tell me how you handled the initial conversations about separation? Was there anything in particular that you did to stay calm or reduce your anxiety? I'm on the first step - just waking up from my denial that anything will change. Just realizing I can't live like this anymore.

You know, I didn't used to be this person. I really was fearless.

ONEinaMILLION

Returntonormal, I think the most important thing you should do is stay calm through any conversation you have with him. He might get defensive, attack you (verbally), and try to talk you out of your decision (when I talked to my AH about separation he told me I wanted out and I was making up this story about him having drinking problems just to use it as an excuse to leave). I told him that if he didn't think he had a problem with drinking I respected his opinion, but that I thought otherwise and that I didn't want to go on with that. I told him I would support him if he was willing to look for help, but if he wasn't willing to then I'd rather leave. He started yelling at me that he had no problem with alcohol and that if I wanted to leave then I should. I told him "Ok, let's not keep fighiting, I will leave in the morning". And I walked away. I think (at least for me) that was the clue through the whole "talk"...I would usually react to his offenses and things would get out of control, so I decided to stop doing that, and since he had no one to fight him back he didn't have much of a choice but remain silent.
I don't have kids so I have no idea how it works out when you do, but I think that is even a more important reason to remain calm, and remember, no matter how much he tries to blame things on you, you need to know you are not to be held responsible for his actions. You've done all you can and now is time for you to take care of yourself and your kids, that's all that matters.