defyinggravity

Hi all, I'm new here and struggling with a fairly new cocaine addiction. I started with alcohol when I was about 12 (I'm 25 now), crossed over to marijuana maybe 2 years ago and picked up the coke less than 2 months ago. I quit the alcohol for the weed, quit the weed for the coke and now I'm hoping/trying to quit the coke without shifting either to something new or going back to one of the old ones. I've had periods of sobriety before (never more than 2 months at a time) but basically started daily cocaine use from the get-go...there was no social/weekend thing, though it did start off as only after work but within a few days I was doing lines in the bathroom at school and then as I got more desperate for a bigger and better high, I started mainlining. Today is my first day without any kind of mind/mood-altering substances in a really long time. I haven't tried sobriety in maybe a year and in that year I haven't been off of any substance literally for longer than a couple of hours. To be frank, I'm a little nervous because during the daytime, it's ok (not easy, but ok) - I'm at school working and have things to occupy my mind but I'm already flipping out about what's going to happen when I get home. I feel like there's nothing there to look forward to. I just keep telling myself that I've been sober for the last 5 minutes and that means I can do another 5. It feels a little tedious to go through the day this way, but at this point, it seems like the only way. I'm going to an AA meeting as soon as I get off of work, but I'm gonna have to go home at some point. Any suggestions for coping with the loneliness/feelings of emptiness or not having anything to look forward to? Or is this just one of those things I'm going to have to kind of "tough it out" through?

Anyway, I mostly just wanted to introduce myself/say hello. Thanks for reading!

1undone

This is a situation that I can only comment on from listening to others with your same situation. Obviously you are not alone in this by any means. When you go to the AA meeting tonight tell them your concern. You may find that someone there used to have the same one and they may spend some extra time with you.

Come here when you get home and go on the chat room. Post on the board that you need someone to talk to.

Have you been to the doctor to address your anxiety and what you've been going through? He/she could help you a great deal.

I would tell you to read but if you are really anxious and scared you will use that may make you more anxious. I'm sure others will have recommendations for you that have some time under their belts. I'll come back to this because it may help me as well!!!

defyinggravity

Thanks for your reply! I do see both a psychiatrist (to address bipolar disorder - she knows about all the substance abuse) and a therapist regularly. I'm on several psychotropics for the bipolar, though I have specifically requested no benzos for anxiety as I tend to be one of those people that if something has even the slightest addictive potential and I'm exposed to it, I'll soon be using it to excess. But perhaps it's time to make some adjustments in medication to go along with my new sobriety - I'm actually a neuroscientist, so I'm well aware of the neurotransmitter changes that have occurred as a result of using substances as well as how they're now going to change again when those substances are absent.

I'm actually heading home now, will be going to a meeting in about 30 minutes and might go to another one that happens in the same building after the first one (the first is a women's meeting, the second a "young people" meeting) just to keep myself from having to go straight home (and to get a little more meeting goodness).

Dee74

Hi defyinggravity

I have no experience with coke but, like you, I jumped from drug to drug a few times before I realised I was the essential problem.

AA/NA and counselling sounds like an excellent start

We also have a substance abuse forum you may like to check out
Substance Abuse - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Believe me there's so much to look forward to - even if it seems unlikely sometimes in the early days...let the guys here encourage you in the flat moments

Welcome!
D

artsoul

Hi and welcome to the forum....... Those first few days go by slowly, for sure, but I tried to frame it as a positive challenge (to be the best I can be etc).

I spent a lot of time reading on this forum - just hanging onto people's support and looking at the stories about how much worse it could get if I didn't stop (alcohol). Just a few random ideas: go the the book store and get a good book (one on addiction would be great), check out the AA/NA stuff online..... just things to build up your commitment. Get some carryout from a good restaurant (since every restaurant in NOLA is wonderful, that shouldn't be a problem!). Learn how to meditate. Clean your closet. Take a really hot shower.

It does get easier and the urges get fewer and further between. Hang in there - we're cheering for you!

defyinggravity

I went to 2 meetings back-to-back tonight and then came home, ran in Audubon Park with the dog, watched a little tv and things were going great - then all of a sudden the urge to use came and smacked me in the face :/ I should have known things were going far too easily. I'm reading a little of the Big Book while waiting for my sleep medicine to kick in (TERRIBLE insomnia, even when NOT withdrawing from drugs) but I just feel SO down and anxious. I guess this is normal, and god I hope it will pass! I thought I'd post here instead of texting my dealer to buy more.

pinkgurl87

That's hard coke is hard to deal with but it can be overcome, glad you came here..keep fighting and coming back.

Missy7

Do not text your dealer. Keep talking to us. What good would it do to get high? You will just have to start over. And it's so dangerous. Just relax, wait for the sleep medicine to help you become drowsy, and keep talking.

Dee74

I'm glad you came here instead DG...that's the value of a place like this.

Early recovery can be hard - but with support - you'll do it...have you got a sponsor you can talk to?

D

defyinggravity

Thanks, guys, for all the support and responses! I don't have a sponsor (yet!) - last night was really my first night back in about a year...though I was pleased to see that there were many of the same women there that were around a year ago and I talked with someone about how to get a sponsor, but didn't actually ask anyone last night. But, one of the ladies invited me to go with her to a different meeting tonight and I think I'll be asking her! I'm a little nervous - it's hard for me to ask people for things sometimes, and I feel like this is an imposition or something (I know, that's just my stuff coming through)...I mean, what's the worst that can happen? She says no? Not the end of the world!