Drag071502

Hi,
I'll try to keep this short.

I have an alcoholic Boyfriend...been together for 1 yr and 4 months. Lots has happened...good but lots bad too. When sober he is great, the man of my dreams , when he is drunk he picks fights with people, has been arrested, and agrues with me ... I hate his "fun guy" side...not fun at all. At first he moved in with me, but after about 9 months of him not working or paying his share of bills I asked he'd leave, of course he gave me a hard time with that...because he loves me and doesn't want to break up...I finally had to call the cops on him once because even though he's never gotten physical with me that one night he was just being a complete A@@hole and I was not in the greatest of mmods either. At this point I was fed up!! Anyway so he moved back in with his dad we still see each other, he cuts down on drinking, but still turns into a jerk when he does drink so once again I feel like "no more, I want out!" I break up with him he gets drunk for 3 days and is an a@@ with me on the phone, then on the 3rd day he calls me and says he is going to detox and rehab and asks if he can write or call me. He's in there for 2wks but insurance won't cover so he is back at his dad's house, he visited and is staying with me since last Friday.

Now I beleive I love him, but I hate his drinking, I grew up with an alcoholic father. I am confused as to whether I should leave him(which he doesn't want) or stay. If I stay I am scared he drink again and that I be stuck with a drunk and caos for the rest of my life.

Yes, I am going to alanon meetings and to his open A meetings, but 1st I noticed that AA meetings are a lot more friendlier than my meetings. I feel shy and not sure how alanon works. I mean how does it help me, besides venting out?

So basically I would like to know if I stay with him how can I help him, how can i help myself make this work for him and me?

Sorry for making this long, but I would appreciate feedback...thanks.

Petunia

Dear Drag,

Welcome to SR! As with any Al-Anon meeting we don't offer advice but listen and share what we are going through.

I have many addicts in my family - different types, sizes, shapes and flavors. When I finally started to get healthy was when I realized that my Al-Anon program was for me and not them. I didn't need to do anything more for them and that it was about me, me, me (the good way not the step on people with the heel of my shoe way).

I encourage you to keep going to meetings and try as many different meetings as you can. Each meeting has its own style and feel - some are more comfortable than others. I know that sometimes it is useful for me to go to the meetings that are uncomfortable so I learn to be okay with that feeling. Uncomfortable is where you are when things are starting to change - like when I gain weight and my pants are too tight. There is change which is uncomfortable. But important for me to realize it is occurring and to do something about it.

There is a great post today (or yesterday) on the mind of the addict which I read and am sending to some folks that I believe will get some benefit out of it. I hope you find some peace tonight in your own space with your own stuff.

I do want to tell you that you are not alone. You are not the only person who has ever been in a relationship with an addict. If you have picked the bat up and are beating yourself up over what you should have. could have, must do - just let the bat fall to the floor ...at least for a while. You are worth the love of a healthy person with a clear mind. We all are. I am. You are. And so is everyone else who comes here to find some support.

Peace for tonight.

Petunia

Gabe

choice based on what is best for you. You can't do anything about his alcoholism. He is the one who has to choose to do something about that. You can only do things to make life better for you. His behavior sounds very unstable right now. That can't possibly make for a good relationship. It is possible to love him and let him go.
It's good that you are going to meetings and that you have found this forum. Those are two places where you will find encouragement, strength and hope. Those are things that will help you choose a life in which you will thrive.
Peace,
Gabe

Rose56

Welcome Drag,
I have been going to Alanon meetings for almost two years. The benefits of the meetings have be subtle for me. By hearing other people share about stuggles that I have myself I feel more accepted and validated. It makes me feel like I am not the only one in the world with these problems. It also has helped me be less hard on myself for loving an alcoholic. I am learning slowly about caring for myself and about detaching from the alcoholic.

The biggest benfit of Alanon meetings is being loved and accepted by a group of people - almost like a family. I get to speak the truth to them and to listen to their truths. Keep trying different meetings until you find the one that fits. Keep coming back.

Daffodil

Welcome Drag,

Take a look around the board, read some of the threads of others and especially the power posts and FYI's... Learn all you can about alcoholism so you can make healthy decisions for you....

Consider yourself hugged.

Drag071502

Thanks everyone for your kind words. I really do appreciate it.
Someone mentioned that you learn how to take care od yourself and detach from the A, but what do you really mean by detachment? I mean I don't ...I mean I know right now I need to work on myself and bad qualities I have, but I look at the first step and think well I do have some power, I leave the A, but that's not easy because he doesn't want to leave and gives me hell for it. Then you say detachment, now why would I want to be with someone if I am gonna be detached from them???? Dettached in what way do you mean???

Oh boy i have a lot of work a head of me right? I am very stubborn and I know that's not good, I also have some control issues, but he, the A get me sooo pissed off. And also I get angry at myself for staying with him.

journeygal

Hi Drag,

Detachment means removing yourself from the business of trying to control or change something about someone. A lot of us live with A's who are still drinking or using. But instead of trying to convince them to get help, give ultimatums, or tell them to go to meetings or rehab, we leave it all up to them. It also means we stop covering up for them, cleaning up their messes, or financing their addiction.

It's hard to detach, especially when their messes become our messes. But the more we learn to let go and let them take full responsibility for whatever problems are caused by their drinking or using, the better off everyone is in the long run.

Most of us have control issues. But once we realize we're trying to control something we have absolutely no control over, it becomes easier to let go of our need to fix their problems.

Hope this helps - keep coming back!

Hugs,
JG

Drag071502

Thanks journey girl...it helps and believe me I need to come back. I am glad I found this site.

Now, he hasn't drank for a while, but usually when he does he comes home late. I am half asleep and then he comes in making a racket(sp?) so I make pretend I am fully asleep, but he then wakes me up and i have sit there and deal with his Sh@#! until he passes out...then in the morning I am tired, probably running late to work and well he is home sleeping till whenever he wants...my question is how do I use the program to help me with this. How can I handle this?

Cecilia

Someone has to bring this up so being the trouble maker Ill do it. :-)

Youve been with him for 1 year and 4 momths. This means youre just starting your relationship. Some of us have been with our A's for decades.

I just want you to step back and take an objective look at your situation. What if he doesnt get any better. What if he gets worse. Do you see yourself being able to live this way 5 years from now. How about 10.

12stepmarce

Hi......I grew up in an alcoholic home, too, and I often fell in love with alcoholics. That actually is very natural, since that feels "right."

Sometimes the solution is deeper than the current situation. I go to Al-Anon for help in dealing with my notions about love and my responsibilities toward others. It's helped me change a lot.

Keep coming back!

Drag071502

12step-I agree with you. Growing up my dad drank a lot. Up until today though I don't think he's an A...he just drank a lot, but now that he is older he stopped and will only socially drink, but like 1 or 2 drinks. Anyway it used to bother me and mostly embarrass me. So now as soon as someone drinks, that in the past I have been ebarrassed by, I get frigid and stiff, it almost like a switch.
I just don't like the embarrassment.

I personally, drink(not anymore because my Abf) and like to have fun and party, but I don't embarrass anyone or pick fights...I guess because I don't have a drinking problem.

Anywho, for now I think I will stay put with him and give him the benefit of the doubt and see if he gets himself together, but if not then I will break up with him. That's another problem too...he gives me a hard time about it.

I guess i have a lot of confusion in me, because i think I love him, but at the same time I want something better, I know I deserve someone better. But then fear strikes as to what if he is the one for me and what if I meet someone thats better in other ways, but I don't feel love for or feel as comfortable with as I do with my Abf.

I think I just need time and we need to detach, but how do I do that and how do I get him to accept that, without him flipping out?

Thanks for listening and please I need feedback.