Transition period
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: MASSACHUSETTS
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Transition period
For those of you going through the transition period of moving on from your AH but are still living with them for various reasons (house selling being one) are you getting the quiet sad guy? He is just walking around keeping pretty much to himself and looks so sad. Our conversation goes something like this:
AH Brought you home a coffee.
Me Thanks
AH How was work
Me Good
This whole process seems to go through the oddest phases. I guess this is just one of them. Life with an A is always interesting.
AH Brought you home a coffee.
Me Thanks
AH How was work
Me Good
This whole process seems to go through the oddest phases. I guess this is just one of them. Life with an A is always interesting.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: carolina girl
Posts: 578
That's called pouting. Four year olds do it when they don't get their way. It's usually temporary, and an act to get sympathy and attention. Manipulation. At least that's how it works with a four year old.
Sorry you have to deal with it, it was uncomfortable for me when I was in the process of leaving my ex, had to stay in the house for a week after I let him know I was leaving. Very awkward. Detach detach detach.
Sorry you have to deal with it, it was uncomfortable for me when I was in the process of leaving my ex, had to stay in the house for a week after I let him know I was leaving. Very awkward. Detach detach detach.
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: TN
Posts: 162
That's called pouting. Four year olds do it when they don't get their way. It's usually temporary, and an act to get sympathy and attention. Manipulation. At least that's how it works with a four year old.
Sorry you have to deal with it, it was uncomfortable for me when I was in the process of leaving my ex, had to stay in the house for a week after I let him know I was leaving. Very awkward. Detach detach detach.
No, that's no always "pouting". Could be quite reflection, regret, or any other form of reflection. Could be just what the original poster describes - awkward tension. Even an alcoholic can have sincere regrets without an attempt at manipulation.
Sorry you have to deal with it, it was uncomfortable for me when I was in the process of leaving my ex, had to stay in the house for a week after I let him know I was leaving. Very awkward. Detach detach detach.
No, that's no always "pouting". Could be quite reflection, regret, or any other form of reflection. Could be just what the original poster describes - awkward tension. Even an alcoholic can have sincere regrets without an attempt at manipulation.
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 103
Originally Posted by BHF 
No, that's no always "pouting". Could be quite reflection, regret, or any other form of reflection. Could be just what the original poster describes - awkward tension. Even an alcoholic can have sincere regrets without an attempt at manipulation.
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So true Putme - We talk to them a trillion times about getting help and unfortuantely, they do too much damage and we have to let go. Then they walk around all bummed out. It can be depressing if you let it. Fortunately, I have learned way too much now and it is not my fault that the consequences of "YOUR DANCE" (starting and stopping) have lead us both down this path, I simply can not trust you anymore. TRUST is huge in my book when it comes to relationships.
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
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Give it time... that sadness will shift to anger... and then to some wierd sick happiness because "they've come to realize that they are a good and loveable person... and they aren't the reason the marriage failed!!!" And then just when you get adjusted to the new emotion... it will swing back to sadness, and the dance starts all over again.
I swear I am living with 5 or 6 different personalities these days (and that DOESN'T include me and the 2 kids). What has helped me handle it... is to just ignore it, and definetely NOT try and read into it or figure it out - cuz it's not within my power to understand his insides.
And if I'm compassionate and honest... my emotions are a bit all over the place too... though, I show only one to my AH... calm and peace. I vent my anger, hurt, tears, happiness, etc elsewhere.
Divorce is an ugly and hurtful process... and no contact, as best you can do while co-habitating is really the best, for both of you.
I swear I am living with 5 or 6 different personalities these days (and that DOESN'T include me and the 2 kids). What has helped me handle it... is to just ignore it, and definetely NOT try and read into it or figure it out - cuz it's not within my power to understand his insides.
And if I'm compassionate and honest... my emotions are a bit all over the place too... though, I show only one to my AH... calm and peace. I vent my anger, hurt, tears, happiness, etc elsewhere.
Divorce is an ugly and hurtful process... and no contact, as best you can do while co-habitating is really the best, for both of you.
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Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
it's just incredibly difficult to separate in the same home although circumstances make that necessary at time.
The quiet/sullen seems to alternate with the angry/blaming and the give me a chance. None of it is comfortable at all.
I've found that all of it messes with me. I go from guilt to sad to ready to just get out. Nothing about the situation is good. I think that the best way to get through it is to seek support in the rooms of recovery...that's what is helping me a lot right now.
My guilt and sadness in response to his emotions are what have led me to chance after chance after chance.
Thinking about you - I definitely know how difficult it is.
Donna
The quiet/sullen seems to alternate with the angry/blaming and the give me a chance. None of it is comfortable at all.
I've found that all of it messes with me. I go from guilt to sad to ready to just get out. Nothing about the situation is good. I think that the best way to get through it is to seek support in the rooms of recovery...that's what is helping me a lot right now.
My guilt and sadness in response to his emotions are what have led me to chance after chance after chance.
Thinking about you - I definitely know how difficult it is.
Donna
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
ADDICTION SUXS
i hate it, it kills healthy people we love so dear, it brings out the monster in all of us....I hate it!!
sorry missing some good personilities of my A/NA....(the laughter!)
i hate it, it kills healthy people we love so dear, it brings out the monster in all of us....I hate it!!
sorry missing some good personilities of my A/NA....(the laughter!)
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Del Rio, TX
Posts: 380
Avoid the house. He will use any angle to wedge the door open. He has nothing to loose. Nothing.
So go to a movie, get your nails done, go to the gym. Maybe take a road trip and meet some new people.
He is still thinking there is a chance. He will try all his mojo powers. And why not?
When you must be in the house together, be sure you laugh a lot. Talk on the phone and make sure you are having a good time. Watch what ever you want to. Play loud music. Not loud just to be loud. But as loud as YOU like it. What ever that volume is. And never under any circumstances clean up a single dish in the kitchen. That will give him some things to "quietly reflect" on.
So go to a movie, get your nails done, go to the gym. Maybe take a road trip and meet some new people.
He is still thinking there is a chance. He will try all his mojo powers. And why not?
When you must be in the house together, be sure you laugh a lot. Talk on the phone and make sure you are having a good time. Watch what ever you want to. Play loud music. Not loud just to be loud. But as loud as YOU like it. What ever that volume is. And never under any circumstances clean up a single dish in the kitchen. That will give him some things to "quietly reflect" on.
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When I act normal around the house, that is when I get "You seem to be doing great about our breakup". Oh ya, I am doing wonderful (puh lease)! It is just that I am finally (5 months later) starting to feel a little back to myself and he sensing that. I think I am finding a little peace and accepting that we are done where he is still trying to somehow, some way change my mind. I wish he would find acceptance now.
I suppose we will both get there in our own time. I guess I am ready to move on and wish that everything would fall into place so that can happen for me and the girls. I think I have had enough living in limboland. I am going to look at a house today so that should take my focus off my living arrangements.
I suppose we will both get there in our own time. I guess I am ready to move on and wish that everything would fall into place so that can happen for me and the girls. I think I have had enough living in limboland. I am going to look at a house today so that should take my focus off my living arrangements.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
been there. definately not a healthy situation.
i moved into the spare room. that helped. i also switched my schedule about so as to minimize our time together in the house. i switched my patterns too, walked different routes, grocery shopped at different times.
i got the important docs out of the house, as well as anything sentimental. the sadness turned to anger with mine, so i was glad to have those things out of the house.
mainly, tho, i just got on with executing my exit plan. i did not discuss my plan with him. mine started drinking heavily. if he was drunk, i went and stayed with my girlfriend and her family.
sorry you're going thru this but it will pass.
i moved into the spare room. that helped. i also switched my schedule about so as to minimize our time together in the house. i switched my patterns too, walked different routes, grocery shopped at different times.
i got the important docs out of the house, as well as anything sentimental. the sadness turned to anger with mine, so i was glad to have those things out of the house.
mainly, tho, i just got on with executing my exit plan. i did not discuss my plan with him. mine started drinking heavily. if he was drunk, i went and stayed with my girlfriend and her family.
sorry you're going thru this but it will pass.
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: TN
Posts: 162
Avoid the house. He will use any angle to wedge the door open. He has nothing to loose. Nothing. He is still thinking there is a chance. He will try all his mojo powers. And why not?
When you must be in the house together, be sure you laugh a lot. Talk on the phone and make sure you are having a good time. Watch what ever you want to. Play loud music. Not loud just to be loud. But as loud as YOU like it. What ever that volume is. And never under any circumstances clean up a single dish in the kitchen. That will give him some things to "quietly reflect" on.
Sounds like good advice to me.... Further complicate matters as much as possible, antagonize him as much as you can...and, let's keep seeing who can hurt/upset the other more.
Unlike others, I'm not trying to insinuate that I know what happened in your relationship. I assume since he is the alcoholic/addict that it played out as usual, his addiction and actions destroyed things and hurt you. Understood. Does it really do any good to further this? Not saying that you should let him play the victim either, but let's try to be mature, even if he can't.
When you must be in the house together, be sure you laugh a lot. Talk on the phone and make sure you are having a good time. Watch what ever you want to. Play loud music. Not loud just to be loud. But as loud as YOU like it. What ever that volume is. And never under any circumstances clean up a single dish in the kitchen. That will give him some things to "quietly reflect" on.
Sounds like good advice to me.... Further complicate matters as much as possible, antagonize him as much as you can...and, let's keep seeing who can hurt/upset the other more.
Unlike others, I'm not trying to insinuate that I know what happened in your relationship. I assume since he is the alcoholic/addict that it played out as usual, his addiction and actions destroyed things and hurt you. Understood. Does it really do any good to further this? Not saying that you should let him play the victim either, but let's try to be mature, even if he can't.
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BHF - Not sure where you are coming from and I think zrx was joking in his response. I don not think anyone would want to make matters worse. I was just venting how things are for me right now. I will get through this and thank god for this board. It is a LIFESAVER!!
To be honest with you, I feel bad for my AH and other A's. That, of course, does not excuse their unacceptable behavior. For the grace of God go I and I do not have this horrible disease.
To be honest with you, I feel bad for my AH and other A's. That, of course, does not excuse their unacceptable behavior. For the grace of God go I and I do not have this horrible disease.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
I did. I agree with lightseeker's post. Nothing good comes of it.
My xah was at first very sad, reflective, wanting to say how he'd change, etc. Wanted me to watch movies with him etc. Then he worked hard. He painted some things and did some small repairs to get the house ready. Then he started drinking hard. Very very hard. Drunk all day, in the garage a lot, and he was clearly doing badly even to the kids. He said things to the kids about how I didn't care and was ruining things, making him leave, wrecking the family. I should have done what I needed to do at that point to *force* him to leave. It would have been better for the kids. Then the all night drunken ranting started. Ranting and yelling, accusing and blaming, for hours on end. I felt like a hostage. I did not say one word he went on and on and on and I tried to go to the furthest corner away from him - hid in my room as soon as the kids were in bed. He'd come in. I tried to pretend I was asleep. I could not leave the kids alone with him and I didn't feel I could wake four small kids up in the middle of the night and go somewhere (although they were probably awake anyway). I should have definitely forced him out at that point. I regret how I handled that to this day. It is one of the biggest regrets ever. He was after me for sex constantly. The entire thing was a nightmare. I would not have guessed in a million years he'd have done all that. I was such a mess with no sleep, a job, the kids, I wasn't eating, the divorce, and can't believe how confused and garbled my thinking was at that point.
Ugh - I say come up with a plan. What will tip the scales to making this NOT work any longer. Think about what that point might be, and what you can do, so if it comes you *see* it and can act.
My xah was at first very sad, reflective, wanting to say how he'd change, etc. Wanted me to watch movies with him etc. Then he worked hard. He painted some things and did some small repairs to get the house ready. Then he started drinking hard. Very very hard. Drunk all day, in the garage a lot, and he was clearly doing badly even to the kids. He said things to the kids about how I didn't care and was ruining things, making him leave, wrecking the family. I should have done what I needed to do at that point to *force* him to leave. It would have been better for the kids. Then the all night drunken ranting started. Ranting and yelling, accusing and blaming, for hours on end. I felt like a hostage. I did not say one word he went on and on and on and I tried to go to the furthest corner away from him - hid in my room as soon as the kids were in bed. He'd come in. I tried to pretend I was asleep. I could not leave the kids alone with him and I didn't feel I could wake four small kids up in the middle of the night and go somewhere (although they were probably awake anyway). I should have definitely forced him out at that point. I regret how I handled that to this day. It is one of the biggest regrets ever. He was after me for sex constantly. The entire thing was a nightmare. I would not have guessed in a million years he'd have done all that. I was such a mess with no sleep, a job, the kids, I wasn't eating, the divorce, and can't believe how confused and garbled my thinking was at that point.
Ugh - I say come up with a plan. What will tip the scales to making this NOT work any longer. Think about what that point might be, and what you can do, so if it comes you *see* it and can act.
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: TN
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Originally Posted by JACKRUSSELLGIRL
BHF - Not sure where you are coming from and I think zrx was joking in his response. I don not think anyone would want to make matters worse. I was just venting how things are for me right now. I will get through this and thank god for this board. It is a LIFESAVER!!
To be honest with you, I feel bad for my AH and other A's. That, of course, does not excuse their unacceptable behavior. For the grace of God go I and I do not have this horrible disease.
To be honest with you, I feel bad for my AH and other A's. That, of course, does not excuse their unacceptable behavior. For the grace of God go I and I do not have this horrible disease.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Del Rio, TX
Posts: 380
Well you're both right.
I offer a man's perspective on this. And I am seeing much more clearly how the alcoholic thinks and acts.
I did not mean to egg him on and make things worse. First, I did mention avoid. Right? But when you can't, I think it important to be strong emotionally. If you give these people the slightest hint at weakness, they know exactly how to exploit it.
Buy trying to laugh and appear positive, you remove the opportunity for them to work their magic mojo. I've been the "victim" of this many times.
Some of the other suggestions are to show him YOU can do what YOU darn well want. He's been doing what he wants with zero regard. And his behavior has been harmful. How mean and harmful is it watching TV or listening to music? Really, I meant that. If you like music, listen to it. The fact that it may or may not bother your alcoholic soon to be ex spouse should be of no consequence. His drinking was of no concern. He didn't have a problem. I didn't mean pick music and volume for the sake of annoyance.
I think I'm still cranky. 2000 miles in a pickup might have something to do with it. Hey, it's all free and worth what you pay for it.
Be strong girl. You can do it!
I offer a man's perspective on this. And I am seeing much more clearly how the alcoholic thinks and acts.
I did not mean to egg him on and make things worse. First, I did mention avoid. Right? But when you can't, I think it important to be strong emotionally. If you give these people the slightest hint at weakness, they know exactly how to exploit it.
Buy trying to laugh and appear positive, you remove the opportunity for them to work their magic mojo. I've been the "victim" of this many times.
Some of the other suggestions are to show him YOU can do what YOU darn well want. He's been doing what he wants with zero regard. And his behavior has been harmful. How mean and harmful is it watching TV or listening to music? Really, I meant that. If you like music, listen to it. The fact that it may or may not bother your alcoholic soon to be ex spouse should be of no consequence. His drinking was of no concern. He didn't have a problem. I didn't mean pick music and volume for the sake of annoyance.
I think I'm still cranky. 2000 miles in a pickup might have something to do with it. Hey, it's all free and worth what you pay for it.
Be strong girl. You can do it!
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