Danielle1

3 yrs and 2 babies later and I still hold on to the hope my addict bf will get clean. This is only my second post, I've read alot from this site late at night looking for answers . I've been to numerous therapists with my addict bf and all had suggested Alanon , and for so long I was resistant. I wanted to make our relationship work and I always felt it was me that was broken and needed help for all my issues.. I had beleived all my addict bf said about me.. I never let him feel, I am selfish, I care more about material stuff than him, I talk in circles , that with me there are always two set of rules .. And so on...he would always stop going to the sessions and I would continue only to hear from each one " active drug addicts don't have relationships , they have and take hostages".. I thought we were different .. Before our relationship I was divorced mother of three girls, active in all they did ,soccer, PTA, school parties, u name it I was there.. Then when I thought I met my soulmate ..I was so taken back with the feelings o felt for him.. 2 months in and he was calling me names and accusing me of being an attention seeker.. My closest friends didn't like him, they said I became quiet and agreed with all he said, they would ask why can't u just be urself.. Fun, silly , carefree, loud, independent .. Just urself .. And I responded with I am myself .. Looking back that's when I began to disappear.. And so did everyone and everything else.. My addict bf had a pill addiction I didn't know until about 6-9 months in .. Now it's progressively gotton worse it went from hydrocodone to oxycontin and meth.. And im not sure what else .. I started Alanon and I've started to gain some of my life back .. I look forward to meetings and see loving non judging friends I wanted someone to tell me what to do, I didn't want to make a decesion, but after getting a sponsor and getting a little stronger with each passing day.. I am able to rediscover me.. I am so tired of hearing that he can't do it anymore, we can't even communicate , .. I just don't understand why I can't just cut ties.. I work and pay all my bills , he's moved out to an apartment 1 month ago , he's only been to see the boys maybe three times , but he's been on a binge, and hallucianating so I've not wanted the boys around him while he was like that.. Im just as freaking sick as he is , by staying in this hoping he will get better ... Why am I staying??? It's exhausting.. And im sure after anyone reads this long blah blah blah long pity party you'll be exhausted too!! Lol

StarCat

Just like the addict will lose him/herself in the addiction, we also lose ourselves in the addict's addiction, trying to control the situation, trying to force the ending we want.

It sounds like you're starting to look out for your needs again, and the needs of your children.
Baby steps, one day at a time, one goal at a time, and we can pull ourselves up and out and into the life we deserve and should have had in the first place.

Welcome to the forum.

Danielle1

It's one day at a time and I have moments of complete clarity and without any notice nutty thoughts of self doubt and if I just pray harder or wait longer or do more .. It will be better.. And then the clarity again .. Just don't know why it's so hard to just let go and move on.. Thank u for the wise words

JACKRUSSELLGIRL

Don't be so hard on yourself. You will cut ties when you are ready. Trust me, I have been with mine 25 years but he was sober until the last 7 years. You want to believe the best and they will stop and get help. Unfortunately, that does not always happen. Try and FOCUS on you and the kids and keep posting.

Danielle1

Thank u .. I feel better at this moment and im gonna just embrace it.

fourmaggie

its amazing how STEP 1 comes into this..read the step, its you to a t....and its a good thing...why? because you becoming AWARE and awareness turns to acceptance and then action...

the 3 A's
awareness
acceptance
action

so glad you go to al anon and have an awesome sponsor
remember: dont do anything for at least 1 year of al anon under your belt...
also use your slogans every day...and your tools...one day at a time is awesome, and live and let live...

there is wisdom there in the rooms of al anon and the slogans and tools....god bless

the 3C's
u did not cause this
u cant control it
and there is no cure

Danielle1

Thank you that is very true.. I love reading and gaining strength through everyones post and responses.. I am praying daily sometimes through the entire day , it is nice to know im not alone, and in between meetings this site has helped . Im glad I joined