Lipitor

Hello Friends.

It is Saturday night here in Old Sydney Town. My daughter just dropped in for a visit today , she is 20 (the middle one).

Im just not the same with them now.

I used to be cranky all day , and drunk and happy all night , then fall asleep on the floor.

Now , there is a profound silence.

I sense she is confused. So is my 23 year old and my 18 year old.

(all girls)

They are being polite and respectful , but I realise that all of them have NEVER EVER known me sober .

Not for more than a few days when they were little.

It hurts .

I dont really know my children , but would love to get to know them .

Has anyone in recovery been in this painful place???




I would dearly appreciate some info, experiences and advice.

Kind regards

L

Beard82

Hi Lipitor,
I'm in Sydney too. No kids so can't offer you any advice.

I do feel for you though, I hope they get used to you sober and love and appreciate you more with time

Lipitor

Thanks for sharing the Geography with me.

Bloody cold here at the moment , Ive seen a few brass monkeys running up George St looking quite distressed.

All attempted humour aside.

Thanks for your support..

I appreciate it

L

Reset

Wow that's a tough one. My kids are younger (14, 11, 8, all boys) so we're in a different boat.

But it's not too late. Early 20's is still pretty young. With girls I'd say you might want to just start by listening to them actively. Ask questions if you have to, nothing too personal or probing at the start. Get them talking and let them open up to you slowly. Keep the conversations all about them unless they ask you questions, and if they do ask answer honestly.

SomethingBetter

Hi Lipitor,

I have 3 girls too, 21, 19 and 15 years old, my oldest has moved out and I have a grand baby girl too.

My situation is somewhat different, but I guess we all have different circumstances; my oldest daughter is the hardest to connect to because she is not always around but the other 2 are coming around. The youngest is the most receptive to my new found affection. Oh and the grand baby is just happy to see me any time!

It is hard having grown kids and yours are older so it is probably that much harder, the younger they are the easier it is I would guess.

I think we have to understand there situation too, probably more so than we expect them to understand ours…

Just my opinion and I am by no means certified to give this type advice lol, I got lot of learning and reconnecting to do myself.

Dee74

I don't have have kids but I do know that all my close relationships are better now I'm sober...because I am.

Give this new way time Lip...and remember - you have to get used to it as much as everyone else does.

D

Lipitor

Thank you

My oldest daughter is my greatest friend... She understands and because she studied medicine, she kind of gets it.

I just feel so alienated from them , and although it has not much to do with it , their mum ,,who is a great mum by the way , is very down , very hard and very non understanding about me. She has black and white views on life and people .

She told my girls over ten years ago ...When I got bowel cancer .."dad got cancer because he is an alcoholic and it serves him right"

I forgive her for that , but two of my girls told me that .

They know that I love them , they know that I provide, My goodness Ive bought the three of them cars, payed for uni fees and other tertiary edu fees, put tyres on their cars, pay the rego, and also give them lots of cash for texts books etc etc.

I guess it is not really enough...

None of them talk to me much about the alcohol. They are just respectful and in their eyes, sometimes, I see a want for hope.

IM pretty sad tonight to be honest. A little introspective.

I need to forgive myself and look at the good stuff.

Do you know that NONE of them drink

They are all successful and wonderful well adjusted women.
(much to my ex wifes influence she is a great mum )


This. Tonight . I guess. is the pain that I avoided.

The inevitable consequences of drinking.

I dont like the way I feel , but it will pass.

Funny .
I dont feel like drinking .

That is a turn up for the books.

I just realised that .


To feel these emotions is probably very normal

To want to fix the past is probably quite normal to

But

All I have is Today

Now

And a bright future to look forward to.

Life is better without drinking. abiet painful. Never as much pain as a hangover , anxiety and self doubt from drinking

I choose this type of pain , every day and twice on Sunday

Thanks for your support

L

Lipitor

Funny ...Dee , You struck me as the sort of person who would be surrounded by kids.....

It is funny how I make perceptions and put people in a box,.

Thanks for your honesty and wisdom

I notice that every time a new person comes on the forum , you post, and encourage them .

I really appreciate that quality in you .

I like that you do that .

It helped me alot and Im sure it helps others.


Kind regards my friend

L

Lipitor

thanks for your kind comments.

Same boat ..different needs.. Boys need dirt bikes, girls need shoes. LOL

Thanks for saying it is not too late.

I guess it never is really

I DO ask them about themselves ALL THE TIME.

It is a bit between a rock and a hard place for me .

How much is NORMAL young womens response.....and how much is them being careful ????

IM laughing now.....I just read what I wrote and probably think that it is a bit of left over alcoholic paranoid thinking ....

One day at a time for me I guess.


Thanks Reset ...


I appreciate your honesty ...


and your time


Kind regards


The old , fat , cranky , harley riding , semi cross dressing , LIP .

BackToSquareOne

Lipitor, I can see by your words that you get it. I sometimes think that after a lifetime of drinking we lose touch with who we are. All the feelings and emotions that we blocked out with alcohol come pouring in.

I don't have any children but I can only assume that a completely sober father is a new experience to them the same as it is new for you. They're probably so used to the old you that it will take time to adjust. Just be greatful for all that you have. Stay strong Lipitor.

By the way it's 7:30 AM Sat. here in PA. USA, you guys are way ahead of the game!

Lipitor

Thanks for posting while you are having your bacon and eggs.

You encouraged me , alot...thank you .

Time is a big factor...

And Im very grateful for everything that I have right now.

Also ...I will stay strong..

You know?

I was so strong through being a drunk ...so much courage, guts, determination to drink and live a life of pretending , that, living a sober life is really kind of a walk in the park ...

it takes much less energy , and has greater rewards

Kind regards

L

FNB3

Lipitor, I've got a lot of guilt about not really being "there" for my boys.

About your girls...that white elephant in the room with you guys may just be them feeling you out and possibly not trusting your new commitment to your new life? How long have you been sober and around them? It's possible that they don't drink because they have seen what it can and has done to people.

Those relationships will come around with time. Nobody really gives all of their trust at the beginning because nobody likes to be fooled. When they see what you have done and how different you are over time they will probably have a tremendous amount of new found respect for you an your relationships could grow in ways you never imagined.

Stay sober Lipitor. Keep it all about you man.

Bikeguy

Give it time Lip, let them see you are interested in their lives. Ask simple questions about their jobs, school, hobbies anything just to get some conversation started. If they can see you are staying sober and making an effort I'm sure they will respond positively. We can't make up for the lost time during our drinking days but we can sure try to make the most out of our new futures.

MIBluebird

Lipitor...my children are 29, 26, and 21 and the oldest two are daughters. Girls are emotional creatures as you probably well know but from what you described it sounds like they might be scared and confused by their new Dad, because let's face it, we are different people when we don't drink. In saying that, I know they must be thrilled as well but probably don't know how to talk to you. I can tell from your posts that you are serious about staying sober, so tell them that. Tell them how much better your life is without alcohol but that you are struggling with who you are sober. They want to hear that. It's a vulnerable place, especially for a Dad, but my girls can relate to their Dad most when he's vulnerable. And, I'm finding that's the case with me too. My oldest daughter can't relate because she has addiction problems also but now I can listen to her, give her advice, and be a support system because I'm not drunk. My middle daughter gets it and she is like a sponsor to me; two years ago we could hardly be in the same room together. My son told his sister that he is so happy that I'm not drinking, but he hasn't told me yet. But I know that he is proud of me. Bottom line, I'm a better parent to all of them and that alone keeps me from drinking again.

Communication is not one of my strong points and therein lies one of the reasons I drank. But, it gets easier and the more you open up to your girls, the better it is going to get. They are going to love having a sober Dad!

Fandy

I agree, don't force anything, but let them know you are there for them to talk to...if and when they are ready...small gestures will also strengthen their thoughts that "hey, Dad is really sober!....he seems different and wants to talk...he does not fall asleep/pass out anymore....and ya' know his face looks better too, not so muddy his skin is clear"....

maybe you all could go out and share a meal where they see how you react to alcohol in public? or a movie? sometimes kids are hard to read...but as a mother of a female (age 30 now) and a woman myself, you can bet they are completely aware of your changes...and if you were a fly on the wall you could hear the discussion about it.

Lipitor

you are so right....I expect my girls to just trust and be fine....It takes time.
Ive been sober around them for about ten weeks.
Yes , they dont drink because they are ashamed of their father and dont want to do that in their lives.

New found respect will take time...But , as an alcoholic , I want it all TODAY .

I forget how much I hurt them ...not physically , but emotionally , and not by abusing them ,,just by NOT BEING THERE>..not present . not emotionally available.

IM going to stay sober now....

thanks so much for taking the time to write to me.

I appreciate it on this very emotional issue...or problem as it was called in the old days...

Im crying now. ten thirty at night ...but I think that is good. It is about time I faced my choices and the consequences of them...

I appreciate your post very much ..thank you

L

Lipitor

Well bugger me with a fish fork.....everyone on this site is just amazing.

Ask simple questions ..is such a great idea.

Thanks for the comment about making the most of our new futures.

I appreciate your time and interest...

Bikeguy...you have some great ideas and thoughts.

Thank you


L

Lipitor

Your post made me cry .....Im still crying ..... sober ..not drunk...

I hate being vulnerable with them ..but it seems like the only thing to do ..

They all love me so much .. I can see it in their eyes.

My oldest turned 24 on the tenth of may ...we had a dinner ...the three of them just looked at me and said nothing .....They were waiting for me to get up. act like a d head, be silly , say something stupid or whatever.


I did not do any of that .....I just thanked them for coming to see me for Ellens birthday and asked them would any of them like to play the piano and sing.....a long silence.....then My second daughter..said...ILL play the lion king.......we did that....we did a song by billy joel.....Elllen ...the birthday girl played the music from titanic....She is so good at it ...and they all...left..
it was lovely but quite empty for me. as > I was not drunk...

It lacked something......I know now . It was the fantasy of alcohol..

My daughters were just real...
and so was I for the first time in a long long time.

it bothers me ..

Im not sure why ...

Perhaps they wont like a boring , sober dad. i was always the fun , the silly one...and mind you , the absent one...

One day at a time.

thanks for your kind thoughts

L

Lipitor

Thank you . Fly on the wall ...Oh how I would love to be that

Thank you Fandy .

You are quite wise

Kind regards

Lip

littlefish

My family relationships have improved 100% - I now realize that I was an angry and miserable mother and wife while drinking, and I blamed 99% of my problems on them.

Then I was sober without a program on antabuse for about a year, and was still completely miserable. I still thought my family was the cause of all my problems.
I had no real program at that point.
But, even during that "dry drunk" period....my husband and I stopped having drunken arguments every Friday/Saturday night. I haven't had one single stupid argument with my husband since I quit.
Did our relationship improve overnight? No, it has taken another couple of years for me to turn my thinking around and realize that I was the cause of about 99% of my problems.
Now my relationship with my husband is better than it ever has been. We are planning weekend getaways, do things together, vacation together like never before.

My kids....it will take time, but even there, when I swept the resentments away and stopped trying to control every little thing they say and do, things have gradually gotten better. I am getting hugs from my older son, 24, now, and haven't gotten them for years.

For those of us in long term relationships, and with grown up children it is very hard for them in the beginning because a stranger is suddenly in their midst. My husband married the fun gurl drunk, it took time for him to get to know the more quiet reserved me who doesn't do crazy stuff fueled by alcohol. I know he misses her sometimes.

I can assure you, at least from my experience, as someone so wisely pointed out, it takes time.