Dating a RA sucks

Old 05-13-2011, 07:22 AM
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Dating a RA sucks

My RAXBF (3 yrs sobriety, 7 yrs in program) acts like an alcoholic. I mistakenly thought that a person with that much sobriety would kind of have an idea about who they are and what they want. But he totally does the Dr. Jeckyll/Mr. Hyde thing. It is pretty nuts.

Long story short: He asked me to take him back after we had been broken up for a couple of months. I love him very much, I said okay, we'll talk about it and I am happy with taking him back, I want him to be in my life, I love him. My heart, though a little guarded, was truly overjoyed.

Four days later he decided that as bad as he wanted to be the person that could have a relationship, he couldn't. He wanted to be with me, but he just ain't ready. So he broke up with me AGAIN!

I can't believe I fell in love with a totally psycho A. I felt like I was doing really good with taking care of myself and being independent and whatnot, and now I am back to scraping myself up from the floor and wow do I ever feel really really hurt and untrusting.

I truly believe that there is an awesome lesson for me to learn here, and I don't want this to ruin my outlook on life and love. People come into our lives for a reason, and I have reaped many many benefits from this relationship and friendship. I believe it has simply run it's course. Part of me wants to wait for him to mature a little, and part of him wants me to wait for him, but as with the whole releasing the bird thing, I just ahve to live my life

I divorced my AXH, but I really feel like there hadn't been any love there for a long time, it was awful, but it didn't hurt my heart like this...

Maybe this helps me to understand how my children must feel betrayed by their dad they love so much.

That I would CHOOSE this man to be in my life... haha

Right now, I am just trying to let my HP direct my life and go with the flow

Hey my world seems a little better now. Thanks for listening
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Old 05-13-2011, 08:12 AM
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That sounds very hard on the heart. Let someone back in only to be pushed away. I'm sorry.
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Old 05-13-2011, 08:53 AM
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Originally Posted by strengthtobeone View Post
I can't believe I fell in love with a totally psycho
Reminds me of a bumper sticker I saw:

It's better to have loved and lost.....

Than to be married to a psycho the rest of your life!

L
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Old 05-13-2011, 09:39 AM
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Ahhhh, Thank You. Needed to top off the sanity gas tank.
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Old 05-13-2011, 03:10 PM
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I am sorry strength, but you'll feel much better soon. There is a saying in Spanish... ok, I can't remember it... LOL... but its something like "an enemy that leaves your palace deserves to walk on a red carpet".. hope this kind of gives the idea of the saying.. ?? sheesh.

Your thread helped me today because I went out with an active alkie, he is still very active and deep in denial, and I sometimes think "if he only had stopped drinking". So thanks to you and others that share these experiences I know that he would still be a dry drunk, a jerk, and it wouldn't have mattered anyway. This helps me let him go.

All the best.
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Old 05-13-2011, 03:24 PM
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Sorry to hear that.

Yknow, I'd fantasized about what it would be if my exabf got healthy, sober, and started in the program.

I don't do that anymore. I've heard too many horror stories about not much changing with recovering alcoholics.

I think my ex is bi-polar, with ADHD. If he wasn't also getting help for those issues, I doubt much would change. Not to mention, I'm just not sure if all the manipulation he did of me, was part of his disease or just his personality was really lame.

Originally Posted by strengthtobeone View Post
My RAXBF (3 yrs sobriety, 7 yrs in program) acts like an alcoholic. I mistakenly thought that a person with that much sobriety would kind of have an idea about who they are and what they want. But he totally does the Dr. Jeckyll/Mr. Hyde thing. It is pretty nuts.

Long story short: He asked me to take him back after we had been broken up for a couple of months. I love him very much, I said okay, we'll talk about it and I am happy with taking him back, I want him to be in my life, I love him. My heart, though a little guarded, was truly overjoyed.

Four days later he decided that as bad as he wanted to be the person that could have a relationship, he couldn't. He wanted to be with me, but he just ain't ready. So he broke up with me AGAIN!

I can't believe I fell in love with a totally psycho A. I felt like I was doing really good with taking care of myself and being independent and whatnot, and now I am back to scraping myself up from the floor and wow do I ever feel really really hurt and untrusting.

I truly believe that there is an awesome lesson for me to learn here, and I don't want this to ruin my outlook on life and love. People come into our lives for a reason, and I have reaped many many benefits from this relationship and friendship. I believe it has simply run it's course. Part of me wants to wait for him to mature a little, and part of him wants me to wait for him, but as with the whole releasing the bird thing, I just ahve to live my life

I divorced my AXH, but I really feel like there hadn't been any love there for a long time, it was awful, but it didn't hurt my heart like this...

Maybe this helps me to understand how my children must feel betrayed by their dad they love so much.

That I would CHOOSE this man to be in my life... haha

Right now, I am just trying to let my HP direct my life and go with the flow

Hey my world seems a little better now. Thanks for listening
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Old 05-13-2011, 06:07 PM
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Thanks for your post. It helped me too. I get what you're going through.

They call what bf does to you (and what mine does/did) 'ambivalence'.

F#ck that!

I'm finding that recovery doesn't automatically make them see the value of really good things in their life. You are of value and he sadly is too mucked up to see that right now. Or he sees it but feels he doesn't deserve it.. or who the heck knows. Waah waaah waah for them.

It isn't your problem or mine to figure out. And like I always say, good luck finding someone out there with half the patience to reside in Crazytown with someone in recovery.

I have no advice to give. Only that I feel your pain, annoyance, frustration.
His loss for not valuing the love you have for him.
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Old 05-13-2011, 08:42 PM
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I have to admit that part of me is relieved that my XAH didn't choose recovery and reconciliation with me. The years of self-focus required to bring him out of his selfishness would probably be just as hard for me to live with.

At least this way I get to know he made his choices, I made mine, and now we move on. What you are doing would be a lot harder, I think.

I admire you.
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Old 05-13-2011, 09:55 PM
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Takingcharge, I have to agree with the enemy red carpet idea. I have learned so much about myself and it is nice that I am in recovery and can be honest with myself about what I am letting into my life (even if I don't really think it's very healthy). It's MY recovery and I accept who I am right now. It is not a choice to live in denial anymore!

I know it's not so smart to let him into my life, I will probably get hurt, but as my "Just For Today" bookmark tells me, "I will not show anyone that my feelings are hurt; they may be hurt, but today I will not show it." There is more to life than those crappy feelings!

Sandrawg, I keep reading the last line
I'm just not sure if all the manipulation he did of me, was part of his disease or just his personality was really lame.

It makes me laugh. This disease is so baffling cunning and powerful, right? What you said cracks me up. It is very true.

BB, dang girl, you said it like it is, for real. Hit that nail right on the head. I thought I had the problem figured out, but I didn't, and it's not my job.

That being said, I will segue into bad recovery by analyzing the problem: Something to do with him feeling not good enough, not deserving enough, and like he is just going to hurt me. But part of said problem is also not being able to appreciate a truly wonderful relationship because he is constantly self-sabotaging.

Self-fulfilling prophecies are very true. You put your consciousness in that place of hurt, and that is right where you will be led. Every time. I don't believe that hurt is supposed to be my life story. There is going to be lots and lots of joy and laughter, and just general okay-ness

I also have MAJOR issues with believing that I am really going to "save" him. I walk a fine line here, folks, I think this may be crappy codependent, bad recovery territory...
Maybe others can relate to this: He has never loved anyone, which tells me he has never loved himself.
I loved others, but am only just learning to love myself. So the whole loving myself thing is very new. And those people that I "loved"? Well, I haven't formed much of an opinion on that yet, except that it wasn't the love that my HP is helping me learn for myself.
I truly believe that he and I both gain knowledge and self-love by this whole relationship thing we have been going through. AND I keep thinking (thinking bad, grasshopper!), that in loving him unconditionally the same way I am learning to love myself unconditionally, I really learn what all that means. It means I can express myself honestly and respectfully without worrying about outcomes. I have done no contact, and have been ready to walk away from him, but I just haven't been done with him and the relationship. I don't know if he will ever "get" it that I just love him as he is, and in the end it doesn't really matter because I am going to take care of myself and my kids and my doggie first and foremost. We have been through all this and I am totally good with him being around when he is good and having alone time when he ain't but I just want him to come back to me. I like my alone time, too, ya know. But oh, that saving thing. I am really just admitting that to myself...

Stella, isn't it nice to know that things work out just as they should? I am thankful for where I am today, it is about a billion times better than I was a year and a half ago.


for the feedback. It really helps me on my journey. And I appreciate the safe place to express myself. What a gift to have found this place
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Old 05-14-2011, 01:15 PM
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I know, right? with some hindsight I laugh on a regular basis about his behaviors.

I find it hilarious that he tried to make me think in the beginning of the relationship that his drinking was "because I hate my living situation." Gee, do you think the drinking stopped when he moved out? OF COURSE NOT!

Or the whole thing with his alcoholic, pothead ex he hooked back up with. Now that's really hilarious. His attitude about the whole thing is so irrational and shows how much denial he is in. At heart he has no respect for her and knows how lame she is, so he makes up stories about why he's with her. For ex he told me that whey they were first together 7 yrs ago it was "because of her friends. Her friends pushed me into a relationship with her."

Apparently, the only reason he got back with her after I gave him an ultimatum about drinking is "because she was hanging out with the friend I was hanging out with." LOL! As if he has no choice.

See? This is where it makes it hard to know if this is the alcoholism (because he's with her because she's an enabler), or if he's intrinsically a liar and a manipulator.

Our relationship was full of cr*p like this. It really is very funny when I think about it.

Originally Posted by strengthtobeone View Post
Sandrawg, I keep reading the last line
I'm just not sure if all the manipulation he did of me, was part of his disease or just his personality was really lame.

It makes me laugh. This disease is so baffling cunning and powerful, right? What you said cracks me up. It is very true.
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Old 12-29-2011, 10:35 AM
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Reviving this thread. Update on Codie issues.

Hi All, I just wanted to update this thread to show others what NOT to do. Posterchild right here!!!!! So this was back in May that RAB had dumped me (for the 2nd time). Fast forward to July... I moved to Alaska with my kids and my dog, he came up here with us, was supposed to stay the summer, but left after 1 day. 1 DAY! Broke my heart, left me out to dry, left me wondering what was wrong with me, but I was in a new exciting place with lots of new friends and Alaska in the summer - Come on, it was great!. At that point, I told him we didn't have anything to talk about anymore and not to contact me. 2 weeks later, he called, asking me to take him back, he made a huge mistake, he wanted to be with us, he loved us, and in his words, "wanted to work through things when they got rough"...

Well, I am sure some of you can imagine how this ended. Now it is 6 months later. He came, he saw, he conquered... and left! I am totally blown away by all this. He is one sick man, and good lord I took him back again and again and again and again. He is a trust-funder RA, has never had a job, is always "helping" people....I can't believe I let him back in to make my life a complete train wreck.

Long story a little shorter, we had decided to go back to the lower 48 together. We were doing what was best for everyone, there's no recovery here, we already have a support network back in our old community, he owned a home. He invited us to live there. We could just fall back into what we had going there, which was overall good. I thought everything was okay, fine. He was starting to dry drunk and blame for a bunch of stuff, but I figured it was dark and we are isolated and there's no meetings here, and we always get sick when we don't go to meetings. We had decided to go back, things would get better fast.

The next day he made HIS plane ticket and said he didn't care how we got back.

Hmmmmm. I had a real problem with that. Red flags! He was still saying that we could live at his house. But then he changed his mind. JUST LIKE THAT. He decided that he wasn't happy int the relationship and that we weren't welcome at his home.

I had quit my job, informed the children's school, and was amaking arrangements to go back.

WTF is that.

Any talking to him at that point was me just trying to make him feel bad, and it was over so talking with him about the relationship was futile.

Folks, I am looking hard for my part here and the only thing I did wrong was TO LET HIM BACK IN. My kids are resilient but they are really sad about all this. He totally ABANDONED us!! I simply can not believe it.

Everything he said was a lie. I told him that and he said that he never made any guarantees that it would work out.

Am I as crazy as he says I am???

Rock Bottom all over for me. It's been two weeks since I MADE him leave. He was planning on just staying in the house for a few extra days until his flight left. I told him to get out.

I told him I didn't want to talk to him. I gave him someone else's phone number to call if there were any issues with "stuff". He contacted me on Christmas to say "merry xmas" and just now to ask what I wanted done with my stuff that is at his house. I HATE HIM!!!!!

What do I do?

Now I am in Alaska, and I don't much care for the dark. This community is really sweet, but I quit my job and had decided to go back to my old town. Now that is where my AXH and now my RAXB live and I do no contact with both. I feel so f****ed up and crazy! I can get my old job back in that town, but right now I am considering moving back in with my parent in the deep south where I don't like it much, but I sure have made a mess of my life everywhere I go!!!!!!!! I just want to take care of my kids....
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Old 12-29-2011, 10:46 AM
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I also have MAJOR issues with believing that I am really going to "save" him. I walk a fine line here, folks, I think this may be crappy codependent, bad recovery territory...
Maybe others can relate to this: He has never loved anyone, which tells me he has never loved himself.
I loved others, but am only just learning to love myself. So the whole loving myself thing is very new. And those people that I "loved"? Well, I haven't formed much of an opinion on that yet, except that it wasn't the love that my HP is helping me learn for myself.
I truly believe that he and I both gain knowledge and self-love by this whole relationship thing we have been going through. AND I keep thinking (thinking bad, grasshopper!), that in loving him unconditionally the same way I am learning to love myself unconditionally, I really learn what all that means. It means I can express myself honestly and respectfully without worrying about outcomes. I have done no contact, and have been ready to walk away from him, but I just haven't been done with him and the relationship. I don't know if he will ever "get" it that I just love him as he is, and in the end it doesn't really matter because I am going to take care of myself and my kids and my doggie first and foremost. We have been through all this and I am totally good with him being around when he is good and having alone time when he ain't but I just want him to come back to me. I like my alone time, too, ya know. But oh, that saving thing. I am really just admitting that to myself...
So guess what, he said he loved me and my kids but I just love me a hot mess! I still don't think enough of myself to expect better treatment. It is just hard to know what to expect with an alcoholic, except craziness, all the time...

DONT DO THIS TO YOURSELF AND YOUR KIDS!!!!

I am so angry with myself and him and I am so emotional. And I really don't want to reply to his text but it is just business matters. But it still hurts.
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Old 12-29-2011, 10:49 AM
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Ugh. So sorry. Maybe take your old job back for right now just so you have a minute to breath and figure out what the next right thing is.

I like your no contact approach. Good idea for sure.

Many thoughts to you.
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Old 12-29-2011, 11:02 AM
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Thanks. I am staying put for the next couple of weeks. Lucky I was making good money while I was working here. He babysat my kids a lot of the time while I was working. He offered....I guess he decided it was too much work to be in a relationship with a single mom.

At any rate, I can't stand the thought of contacting him. I will have my friend contact him sometime today. It's funny. I dreamt last night of texting him that I wish him the best. I was thinking that he would be contacting me soon. That it was two weeks after he left last time that he contacted me. I am a sick woman! Wishing him the best would be the detached thing to do, but right now I just want to inflict harm on him. I want him to HURT....

It's all so emotionally charged for me, but he just cuts it off. Snip, he's done. No emotion, no feeling. I hate it when a sick person's behavior is saner than mine...
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Old 12-29-2011, 12:07 PM
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This is the time when no big, huge, life changing decisions need to be made. I remember just One Minute at a Time was enough. Doing The Next Right Thing will come in time.

Is there Al-anon support there?
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Old 12-29-2011, 12:29 PM
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I have not experienced these things with my RAH - he was not abusive, never stole, he did lie - though for the most part he let me know exactly what he was up to and I just accepted/enabled it (dumb me), and was in general a "happy", annoying obnoxious drunk...not enjoyable trust me...annoying. However sober (and actively working a program so in real recovery) he is pleasant to be around...is he still sometimes overly exhuberent (sp)? YES...that is who he is, the difference is now without the booze it's not on level 2000 anymore and is more of a normal personality trait. Does he still have his moments? Yes but they are more at a normal level now. Do I worry this won't last forever? No...nothing in life lasts forever so I'll take it for what it is right now. (Oh and he has a lot of past family issues I know he's working on in his recovery, I leave that up to him for the most part but I have seen him feeling sad or angry as he works through this stuff which I also think is normal...? He does it on his own and I don't ask unless he wants to talk or volunteers the information)....It's confusing for me because my RAH doesn't fit the traits I see on the board.
Thank you for posting this.

There's a saying: if you take alcohol away from a drunken horse thief you still have a horse thief. There recovering alcoholics who have good values, are basically honest and trustworthy and were a version of this while active. Someone who shows nothing but contempt for others will probably be like that sober. People can change but they have to WANT to change then do a great deal of work. It also has to do with the dynamics of the couple. Each person is different.
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Old 12-30-2011, 02:01 PM
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It feels better to have blocked him from my phone and FB.

My kids are still on break, and it has honestly been really great to hang out with them and just not be doing a whole lot of anything.

I just am so shocked at how far off my recovery I got. That I ahve so much resentment and anger and bitterness stored up inside me now.

It really feels like a cancer inside me, aging me and eating me alive.

I feel closer to a decision about the next right thing. I don't know what it is yet, but it feels closer.

I did lots of reading yesterday in the courage to change about decisions, and those were the same readings that i dog-eared before I came out here to AK. So it is nice to revisit the frame of mind that got me here and remember that the answer is already inside me, I just have to be willing to accept whatever answer HP has for me, whether I like it or not. I am still not so certain that I am willing to give up my personal freedom and go live with my parents. That help comes with a hefty price tag. I am not ready to face all those demons, and really, I would be going there in the false assumption that they will be able to solve all my problems.

I have to remember that I live in a state of total abundance. That all my needs WILL be met. This is the greatest gift I can give myself right now. Sitting still for a little while doesn't make me lazy, it helps me make a good decision. I have been working hard for 6 months, been in a demanding relationship, dealing with child-related stesses... I can take a couple of weeks off.
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Old 01-27-2012, 10:54 AM
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I didn't read all the posts...but if I am reading your post correctly you have a AXH and a AXBF...as in two separate people...both who have problems with alcohol.

This deeply concerns me.

As a woman who has had a longterm (almost 20 yrs) relationship with an AH and prior to that EVERY bf had addiction issues...well I can see a pattern and it isn't THEM...it's me choosing them that is the problem. Sure addiction is very much a problem for them but that's THEIR issue. My issue is that I keep choosing problem men.

hmmm ...wonder why?
I know why. I was raised by an alcoholic. I became sick myself from their disease.
I have since found Alanon.
Because of that program I know I will never ever be involved with another man with an addiction problem.
How do I know?
very simply because I know as someone just posted...a mistake is only a mistake once, after you do the same thing again...it's a choice. and I'm not choosing that ever again for myself or for my kids.
Do yourself a favor. try Alanon.
Read more of our stories...
don't say 'that won't happen to me' because it will. You've already shown that your predisposed to accepting the unacceptable and engaging in relationships with 'problem' men.
Find your way out...choose better by learning what makes us choose these types of men. Alanon is your answer....it was my salvation!
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Old 01-27-2012, 12:06 PM
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Well I needed to read these posts today what a great reminder and reality check. Broke it off with my RExAB 3 weeks ago....have not seen him and don't want to. However I have spoken to him twice on the phone, once was brief and he did all the quacking about how much progress he's made ( this was only after 2 weeks mind you) and the second time was a few days ago. I've come down with streap throat and being sick tends to trigger my depression and anxiety.. So when he called I answered. The universe was kind enough to have him be an A-hole to remind me why I need no contact.
This is someone who started AA almost 7 months ago with one known relapse. The only reason I know of this relapse is that I went to get cough syrup out of my fridge and it was all watered down (we never lived together although he wanted to and I said hell no. Thank god). I, not sure if he even told his sponsor about the relapse as he kept his secret from me for 3 weeks and would have kept it forever if my HP didn't let me discover what was going on.

My point here is that he is NO DIFFERENT without alcohol, Rx pills, excessive eating, excessive caffeine, excessive sleeping....except I don't get slurred phone calls or blackout crazy discussions. What I did get and what u will get if I have contact with him is the lies, manipulation, QUACKING, empty promises, victim talk, bouts of him biting and snapping with words when his tactics are working the way he wants them too.
We don't want to believe we gave our hearts to a mean, sick, hurtful person but we did. They put their charming manipulative skills to work in the beginning to get what they want (a new Codie enabler) and then they stop their acting and we see who lies behind the mask. Since we don't want to believe what we are seeing/experiencing as it is too painful we Codie's come up will all sorts I'd excuses for them, self blame, denial, things like "well everyone has issues who am I to judge?' that one was my personal favorite that I told my self and others.

As Oprah says "believe people when they SHOW you who they are the first time."

Let's all say to ourselves the following " I deserve a life filled with joy peace love and abundance and I trust life to provide me with this great life"

XO
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