mayson28

I have confined in very few people about no longer drinking. But one of the few lately is really getting on my case and I am wondering why.
I mentioned to him yesterday morning that I am doing a cleanse and the cleanse consists of pills and of course eating healthier and staying away where possible of toxins.
So he blows me away by asking "then how will you drink?" HUH??? I said "well I don't drink" then he says "Well how long is the cleanse?" I say "15 days" then he says "I sure wouldn't want to stay away from booze for that long"
Anyways, I let it go.
Then last night, he emails me "Want to go for beers tomorrow with me and some friends?" WHAT??? So again I say "I don't drink" and he says "Oh ya I forgot" Ya right.
This morning I get another email: I hope you come out with me some day for a beer
Why do people do this? Thoughts?

Eddiebuckle

Because he doesn't get it or doesn't want to. I had two close friends that I confided in early in my sobriety, one supported me, the other couldn't wrap his brain around it - thought I was joking n fact. I drank with both for years, and most of our time together centered around drinking (as did pretty much everything in my life), so it was a huge shift. The first friend and I still see each other pretty frequently, the second has drifted away. We talk occassionally on the phone but thats it.

This was one of my major fears when I became sober - who will I be if I can't drink? Will people still like me? How will I cope? It's one of those things you have to navigate in early sobriety - the people, places, and things of your past. Some will remain, others won't. You need to understand that this is not personal. It has everything to do with him and how he relates, not about you. You may have to let this relationship fade if he is unwilling to adjust.

miamifella

When he said that he would not want to stay away from booze for 15 days, that was the clue. It was a very odd thing to say.

Most people have no trouble not drinking for two weeks. If it is that big a deal for him, he has his own issues around this. That is why he needs you to drink--if you stop, then he has to look at himself.

If the guy cannot be social with you without alcohol involved, then you were never a friend--you were just an excuse to drink.

Kjell

Hi Mayson-

Me and my friends, when we were growing up, we liked to steer the ship down together, even though we didn't know it was going down.

Kjell~

mayson28

I understand except, him and I haven't had a drink together in 10 yrs or so? We used to drink together when we worked together back then. But since then, we have only chatted by email, FB, etc... It's just in the last 2 days all of a sudden he is on my case. Maybe you are right, maybe it's making him question himself and it would make him feel better if I failed and gave in. Who knows. I just found it very weird. Coming from someone who cared and supported me back when I decided to do this.

Mark75

Well, also something to consider...

I have a few friends who are normal drinkers... they like to have people over for a cocktail, or a few beers and a football game, or a bottle of wine for dinner... They enjoy it, and part of that enjoyment is wrapped up in our friendship... We all place high value on that friendship... and it is scary for all of us... to maybe lose that... you know?

We haven't lost that, and one of them knows I like fresca... and he always has a few in the fridge when he has a party... He's a good guy, I'm a lucky one...



So I think there isn't one answer or explanation for this, so many things...

least

Your giving up drinking may make him nervous and force him to look at his own drinking, which he doesn't want to do. He may not be much of a friend after all.

ronf

Unfortunately, I had to be a real p!!!k with a couple of people and set some hard boundaries. I then realized they really weren't the friends I thought they where. No one likes to alienate people, but getting away from there negative influence gave me a real sense of relief.

Best of luck, Ron

FNB3

Thanks for the post...

Try to think of his position on this. It likely has very little to do with you. This is probably a guy who is just trying to meet his needs just like you. He wants friends to do things with. Wants to do some partying and doesn't feel the need to stop. He's probably just trying to do his thing.

Don't take it so personally. You will probably have to draw some boundaries with some people and make them clear in order for people to respect them. It may cost you a few friends along the way but you will gain new ones. I'm not a big believer in "friends" anyways. I'm lucky if I have 2-3 real ones. Most are just acquaintances that mutually use one another. Someone gets the better end of the deal too often and the relationship ends.
If your pal wants to drink and use and party, do you really thing he is going to want to be around someone that isn't doin the same as him? Not likely. Maybe your want to change makes him look at himself and he's just not ready for that and it makes him feel bad?

Stay strong and do your own thing.

ReadyAndAble

Yeah, seems to me you just have him thinking hard about his own drinking. Maybe not consciously, but on some level. And I know that for me, it was scary to even imagine a life without alcohol. People who drink like to be around others who drink; it validates our behavior. One source of validation just got pulled away from him: again, that's kind of scary. Plus he's enjoyed spending time with you, and is probably worried about whether this means the end of your relationship.

You'll need to decide at some point whether to keep him in your life, but I'd suggest giving your friend a little time to adjust. And I'd also suggest keeping in mind that he's not doing this out of malice toward you, but out of fear about his own situation. It's about him, not you, and if you can feel some compassion toward him instead of irritation... well, that's just a better way to live regardless, and definitely makes recovery easier.

My two cents.

Kjell

Hi FNB3-

I'm a huge Pearl Jam fan and I just googled those lyrics in your signature line.

Thanks man!

Kjell~

Eddiebuckle

Why he would be threated by your sobriety is beyond me, but I'd bet he's projecting his own self doubts about drinking. To do so under those circumstances is pretty bizarre. Then again, drunk txting and FB was one of my worst habits while I was still drinking.

mayson28

yes, I remember rushing to check what on earth I had posted or written people :o)

littlefish

I think there are folks out there who will definitely want to sabotage your sobriety: they are probably alcoholics themselves and the issue is annoying to them.

But, it is possible he did indeed forget.

When I was a vegetarian nobody remembered that I didn't eat meat, and I don't know how many dinners I was invited to and meat was on the menu.
I have a friend in recovery who got really annoyed when someone gave him a gift of wine. I pointed out that they obviously forgot. People don't live in our heads, they aren't living our agenda 24/7.

But, if this friend keeps yammering away about your drinking: make your boundaries, as others have suggested.