Property Lines - Language of Letting Go
Nature Girl
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Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Property Lines - Language of Letting Go
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Property Lines
A helpful tool in our recovery, especially in the behavior we call detachment, is learning to identify who owns what. Then we let each person own and possess his or her rightful property.
If another person has an addiction, a problem, a feeling, or a self-defeating behavior, that is their property, not ours. If someone is a martyr, immersed in negativity, controlling, or manipulative behavior, that is their issue, not ours.
If someone has acted and experienced a particular consequence, both the behavior and the consequence belong to that person.
If someone is in denial or cannot think clearly on a particular issue, that confusion belongs to him or her.
If someone has a limited or impaired ability to love or care, that is his or her property, not ours. If someone has no approval or nurturing to give away, that is that person's property.
People's lies, deceptions, tricks, manipulations, abusive behaviors, inappropriate behaviors, cheating behaviors, and tacky behaviors belong to them, too. Not us.
People's hope and dreams are their property. Their guilt belongs to them too. Their happiness or misery is also theirs. So are their beliefs and messages.
If some people don't like themselves, that is their choice. Other people's choices are their property, not ours.
What people choose to say and do is their business.
What is our property? Our property includes our behaviors, problems, feelings, happiness, misery, choices, and messages; our ability to love, care, and nurture; our thoughts, our denial, our hopes and dreams for ourselves. Whether we allow ourselves to be controlled, manipulated, deceived, or mistreated is our business.
In recovery, we learn an appropriate sense of ownership. If something isn't ours, we don't take it. If we take it, we learn to give it back. Let other people have their property, and learn to own and take good care of what's ours.
Today, I will work at developing a clear sense of what belongs to me, and what doesn't. If it's not mine, I won't keep it. I will deal with my issues, my responsibilities, and myself. I will take my hands off what is not mine.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.
Property Lines
A helpful tool in our recovery, especially in the behavior we call detachment, is learning to identify who owns what. Then we let each person own and possess his or her rightful property.
If another person has an addiction, a problem, a feeling, or a self-defeating behavior, that is their property, not ours. If someone is a martyr, immersed in negativity, controlling, or manipulative behavior, that is their issue, not ours.
If someone has acted and experienced a particular consequence, both the behavior and the consequence belong to that person.
If someone is in denial or cannot think clearly on a particular issue, that confusion belongs to him or her.
If someone has a limited or impaired ability to love or care, that is his or her property, not ours. If someone has no approval or nurturing to give away, that is that person's property.
People's lies, deceptions, tricks, manipulations, abusive behaviors, inappropriate behaviors, cheating behaviors, and tacky behaviors belong to them, too. Not us.
People's hope and dreams are their property. Their guilt belongs to them too. Their happiness or misery is also theirs. So are their beliefs and messages.
If some people don't like themselves, that is their choice. Other people's choices are their property, not ours.
What people choose to say and do is their business.
What is our property? Our property includes our behaviors, problems, feelings, happiness, misery, choices, and messages; our ability to love, care, and nurture; our thoughts, our denial, our hopes and dreams for ourselves. Whether we allow ourselves to be controlled, manipulated, deceived, or mistreated is our business.
In recovery, we learn an appropriate sense of ownership. If something isn't ours, we don't take it. If we take it, we learn to give it back. Let other people have their property, and learn to own and take good care of what's ours.
Today, I will work at developing a clear sense of what belongs to me, and what doesn't. If it's not mine, I won't keep it. I will deal with my issues, my responsibilities, and myself. I will take my hands off what is not mine.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.
Nature Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I remember my son telling me once, when I was trying to cheer him up and fix his problems..."Sometimes I just need to have a bad day. It helps me learn to work through my problems myself."
He was right. I had spent my life trying to make him "happy" rather than let him experience all sorts of emotions that would help him grow, like feeling anxious or feeling angry or feeling sad because something sad had happened.
I thought I owned his feelings.
And I remember how bad I felt when he would go off on a tangent or raise his voice at me or the family. I would feel bad when he said sarcastic things that came from his dark place of addiction.
I thought I owned his bad behaviour.
What a wonderful lesson for me to learn that I didn't own anyone's feelings or behaviour. I didn't have to take them on and spend my day trying to "fix" everyone I loved. What a wonderful lesson for them when I let go.
Today when I feel myself "reacting", I ask myself what part of this do I own? If I owe an apology for something I have done, I give it. But if it doesn't have my name written all over it, I give it back and throw it all to the universe to sort out.
What a load off my shoulders it was when I stopped carrying the world.
Hugs
He was right. I had spent my life trying to make him "happy" rather than let him experience all sorts of emotions that would help him grow, like feeling anxious or feeling angry or feeling sad because something sad had happened.
I thought I owned his feelings.
And I remember how bad I felt when he would go off on a tangent or raise his voice at me or the family. I would feel bad when he said sarcastic things that came from his dark place of addiction.
I thought I owned his bad behaviour.
What a wonderful lesson for me to learn that I didn't own anyone's feelings or behaviour. I didn't have to take them on and spend my day trying to "fix" everyone I loved. What a wonderful lesson for them when I let go.
Today when I feel myself "reacting", I ask myself what part of this do I own? If I owe an apology for something I have done, I give it. But if it doesn't have my name written all over it, I give it back and throw it all to the universe to sort out.
What a load off my shoulders it was when I stopped carrying the world.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
Thanks for this message today, Ann.
When we take on problems that aren't ours to solve, we deprive the real owner of a chance to learn whatever it is they could learn by fixing it themselves.
We think we're being nice, just trying to help...but in reality, we're taking something very valuable from them.
I can't help but think about my relationship with my HP. I used to pray that my HP would take my problems from me but fortunately my HP isn't a codependent. My HP lets me struggle to find a way to fix problems on my own while he stands beside me offering love and encouragement. If my HP had simply taken my problems from me, I'd just keep making the same mistakes over and over again. And really...who wants that?
Good thought for the day...
Thanks (((((((((Ann))))))))))))))
When we take on problems that aren't ours to solve, we deprive the real owner of a chance to learn whatever it is they could learn by fixing it themselves.
We think we're being nice, just trying to help...but in reality, we're taking something very valuable from them.
I can't help but think about my relationship with my HP. I used to pray that my HP would take my problems from me but fortunately my HP isn't a codependent. My HP lets me struggle to find a way to fix problems on my own while he stands beside me offering love and encouragement. If my HP had simply taken my problems from me, I'd just keep making the same mistakes over and over again. And really...who wants that?
Good thought for the day...
Thanks (((((((((Ann))))))))))))))
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Thank you, Ann, for the reminder!! Mr. HG is going through some tough things right now, and I have to keep reminding myself that his reactions are his and not mine. I can support him, but I do not have to own his struggle.
Hugs, HG
Hugs, HG
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Thanks (((Ann))) - when I read this yesterday, on the codie thread, the hula hoop came to my mind. What's IN my hula hoop is mine, everything outside of it is someone else's. I will forever be grateful to (((Greet))) for teaching me about the hula hoop when I first got here
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Nature Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
When I worked at a recovery house I used the hula hoop analogy often, and had a small supply of them there that I used to lend out to the fella's that were trying to grasp the concept. Even recovering addicts have issues with "ownership" and this helped. 
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