Recovering Husband Starts Fights Out of Nowhere
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: California
Posts: 1
Recovering Husband Starts Fights Out of Nowhere
My husband has been sober for roughly three weeks. It seems like each week we have a huge argument over something that's hardly an issue at all. Is this part of his withdrawal? He's so nasty and mean. Paranoid, etc, when he gets like that. None of it ever makes any sense...
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,902
If he just stopped drinking, but isn't working any kind of recovery program, then he is probably feeling all kinds of irritable. It's quite common. Just white-knuckling it is very difficult...more difficult than it has to be.
Welcome to SR. You'll find a lot of support here. Have you considered attending Al-anon meetings? They can be a huge help.
Welcome to SR. You'll find a lot of support here. Have you considered attending Al-anon meetings? They can be a huge help.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 83
Ditto to suki... I will add that also, meetings or no meetings, attempts at recovery or none, three weeks sober is still VERY early sobriety, and it is impossible to predict how he will act but his hostility toward you certainly is not surprising. This seems to be the nature of most people in early recovery.
Going to al-anon will allow you to surround yourself with support from other people who are dealing with the same stuff or have done so in the past. It will also allow you to start to develop an idea of boundaries, or certain behavior on his part that you are willing to tolerate and behaviors that you will not. It could be an enormous help for you.
Going to al-anon will allow you to surround yourself with support from other people who are dealing with the same stuff or have done so in the past. It will also allow you to start to develop an idea of boundaries, or certain behavior on his part that you are willing to tolerate and behaviors that you will not. It could be an enormous help for you.
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
hi Lost wife and welcome to SR!
Your post didn't mention
if our husband is in a recovery program
or if he's just trying to 'tough it out'
Aside from advising you to read the stickies at the top of the forum...
there's a wealth of wisdom here
from people who know exactly what you are talking about.
I am also a recovering alcoholic,
what is euphemistically called a 'double winner'
in recovery circles.
I can tell you that your husband
regardless of how long he drank
or how 'functional' (another meaningless euphemism)
he was
has been functioning (or not) under sedation.
Now, he's not drinking
and he's perceiving life
as it really is
probably for the first time.
he's sick
he's scared to death
and he's attacking the one thing
he knows won't fight back.
he is no longer sedated.
his body doesn't know how to react
without the blanket of numbness.
Tiny things are going to seem like nuclear blasts
and huge things
will go unnoticed.
It's not going to make any sense
so don't even try to, okay?
He has to do what he has to do
and you have to do what you have to do
and that's where WE come in.
I can tell you
My personal experience was
that I could not hold a simple conversation
could not concentrate on my job
could not sleep
for almost the entire first year of sobriety.
this is not a problem to be facing alone
no matter how tough and cool we think we are.
I would not be alive
had I not found AA.
I would not have the strong circle of support
that I thoroughly enjoy today
had I not found SR.
that's the simple undramatic truth.
I never would have succeeded alone.
I know you can't make your husband do anything
but there's a group for those who are the spouses and family
of alcoholics
and that's called Alanon.
It' so much more
than a group of wives.
so SO much more.
I hope you'll check it out
and find a meeting in your area
whether you husband seeks recovery or not.
sorry I'm verbose today!
apologies for the length of this.
again =- welcome to SR!
I hope you'll find the support here
that you will need
in the weeks and months to come.
Your post didn't mention
if our husband is in a recovery program
or if he's just trying to 'tough it out'
Aside from advising you to read the stickies at the top of the forum...
there's a wealth of wisdom here
from people who know exactly what you are talking about.
I am also a recovering alcoholic,
what is euphemistically called a 'double winner'
in recovery circles.
I can tell you that your husband
regardless of how long he drank
or how 'functional' (another meaningless euphemism)
he was
has been functioning (or not) under sedation.
Now, he's not drinking
and he's perceiving life
as it really is
probably for the first time.
he's sick
he's scared to death
and he's attacking the one thing
he knows won't fight back.
he is no longer sedated.
his body doesn't know how to react
without the blanket of numbness.
Tiny things are going to seem like nuclear blasts
and huge things
will go unnoticed.
It's not going to make any sense
so don't even try to, okay?
He has to do what he has to do
and you have to do what you have to do
and that's where WE come in.
I can tell you
My personal experience was
that I could not hold a simple conversation
could not concentrate on my job
could not sleep
for almost the entire first year of sobriety.
this is not a problem to be facing alone
no matter how tough and cool we think we are.
I would not be alive
had I not found AA.
I would not have the strong circle of support
that I thoroughly enjoy today
had I not found SR.
that's the simple undramatic truth.
I never would have succeeded alone.
I know you can't make your husband do anything
but there's a group for those who are the spouses and family
of alcoholics
and that's called Alanon.
It' so much more
than a group of wives.
so SO much more.
I hope you'll check it out
and find a meeting in your area
whether you husband seeks recovery or not.
sorry I'm verbose today!
apologies for the length of this.
again =- welcome to SR!
I hope you'll find the support here
that you will need
in the weeks and months to come.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: state of confusion
Posts: 351
This is a similar situation to what both my father and husband would go through when struggling with sobriety. With my dad, it became a red flag for him falling off the wagon. He would become nasty and irritable for no apparent reason, further hurting and confusing once more those already coping with the turmoil of living with an alcoholic.
Many times it also was an attempt to start a fight to justify a reason to start drinking again. Their reasoning...start a fight, angry words are said and then giving themselves permission to drink again ...after all, they stopped drinking and they weren't being treated as well as they feel they should considering what they feel they have given up for others ... all part of the cycle of blame and denial that go hand and hand with insanity of addiction.
Of course in addition to all this, the alcoholic is also struggling with both physical and mental changes that come with sobriety that can be very difficult. It can take up to 6 months to recover from the damage alcohol has done to their bodies.
For my husband, the only time he was truly got sober for any length of time was when he was going to AA. When this "stinking thinking" as they call it ... would start to emerge, he would head off to the first available meeting to keep in focused on what was important, long term sobriety. He never would have been able to stay sober without this program.
Many times it also was an attempt to start a fight to justify a reason to start drinking again. Their reasoning...start a fight, angry words are said and then giving themselves permission to drink again ...after all, they stopped drinking and they weren't being treated as well as they feel they should considering what they feel they have given up for others ... all part of the cycle of blame and denial that go hand and hand with insanity of addiction.
Of course in addition to all this, the alcoholic is also struggling with both physical and mental changes that come with sobriety that can be very difficult. It can take up to 6 months to recover from the damage alcohol has done to their bodies.
For my husband, the only time he was truly got sober for any length of time was when he was going to AA. When this "stinking thinking" as they call it ... would start to emerge, he would head off to the first available meeting to keep in focused on what was important, long term sobriety. He never would have been able to stay sober without this program.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Oh my, oh my.
I remember so well. I too am one of the 'double winners.'
When I first got sober, I went to a recovery home for alcoholic women. There were 15 of us total ranging in sobriety from a few weeks to 6 months.
Can you imagine what the atmosphere was there? roflmao I can tell you that I could take an ant hill ( a teeny problem) and turn it into Mt. Everest in 2 seconds flat! and so could any of the other women living there.
Now if he is not in any time of 'program' be it SMART, AA, a Therapist, or something then I do not see his outbursts subsiding any time soon.
So it goes to what do you want? Peace and serenity, well. suggest he got to a sober living house for a while to learn how to live sober, or if he won't and you cannot and will not (which I do not blame you at all, as I won't put up with them either today) then maybe leave for a while and let him rage at the cabinets and such.
Is there someone you can stay with, or familoy near by? Even get a room for a few weeks.
Barb is correct, all his 'numbing' agents have left his body, his hands and feet may be tingling, he has no control over his emotions and probably does not even know what name to put on what he is feeling. It's a scary place to be, I know.
Only he can change him. Your leaving when he gets that way will send a clear message that that type of behavior is totally unacceptable.
You will set a boundary without saying a word.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
I remember so well. I too am one of the 'double winners.'
When I first got sober, I went to a recovery home for alcoholic women. There were 15 of us total ranging in sobriety from a few weeks to 6 months.
Can you imagine what the atmosphere was there? roflmao I can tell you that I could take an ant hill ( a teeny problem) and turn it into Mt. Everest in 2 seconds flat! and so could any of the other women living there.
Now if he is not in any time of 'program' be it SMART, AA, a Therapist, or something then I do not see his outbursts subsiding any time soon.
So it goes to what do you want? Peace and serenity, well. suggest he got to a sober living house for a while to learn how to live sober, or if he won't and you cannot and will not (which I do not blame you at all, as I won't put up with them either today) then maybe leave for a while and let him rage at the cabinets and such.
Is there someone you can stay with, or familoy near by? Even get a room for a few weeks.
Barb is correct, all his 'numbing' agents have left his body, his hands and feet may be tingling, he has no control over his emotions and probably does not even know what name to put on what he is feeling. It's a scary place to be, I know.
Only he can change him. Your leaving when he gets that way will send a clear message that that type of behavior is totally unacceptable.
You will set a boundary without saying a word.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
My RAH is still acting this way, and he has been sober for 7.5 months.
Protect yourself, TRY not to take anything personally.
MIne is not working a program, but did for a minute, and while he was doing that, he was a great person, he just could not sustain it.
We are at a bad spot now, he moved out, because it was too erratic and difficult for me and our son to be around.
I believe he will not improve without an active recovery program(Addiction coounselor OR aa), as well as some psychiatric assessment and therapy.
The fact that you mention paranoia is a bit concerning to me.. Mine is like this, and he is definitely "Poor, Poor me", and self grandiose, and judgemental, etc, but the paranoia is something that I am not sure that MOST abstaining alcoholics have.
Mine is a dual diagnosis. He has mental issues under the alcoholism.
Protect yourself, TRY not to take anything personally.
MIne is not working a program, but did for a minute, and while he was doing that, he was a great person, he just could not sustain it.
We are at a bad spot now, he moved out, because it was too erratic and difficult for me and our son to be around.
I believe he will not improve without an active recovery program(Addiction coounselor OR aa), as well as some psychiatric assessment and therapy.
The fact that you mention paranoia is a bit concerning to me.. Mine is like this, and he is definitely "Poor, Poor me", and self grandiose, and judgemental, etc, but the paranoia is something that I am not sure that MOST abstaining alcoholics have.
Mine is a dual diagnosis. He has mental issues under the alcoholism.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
There are also support groups hosted by local rehab centers. I found these very helpful because we(families/loved ones) were able to share our stories and also ask the counselors questions. Counselors also offered very helpful and insightful ideas/info. Everyone benefited from hearing each others stories and Q and A.
Alanon is nice but the format is different and you really cant ask questions except maybe after the meeting done privately.
Alanon is nice but the format is different and you really cant ask questions except maybe after the meeting done privately.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
Think of him as having just been reborn. It takes awhile to get used to facing the world without substances. For some more than others. Common wisdom suggests it can take two years or longer before recovering alcoholics start to show recovery beyond sobriety.
If, and it's a big if, they stay sober. My wife was difficult for several months after she got sober (and before she relapsed). But, it did pass, and she did start being nice.
Good luck,
Cyranoak
If, and it's a big if, they stay sober. My wife was difficult for several months after she got sober (and before she relapsed). But, it did pass, and she did start being nice.
Good luck,
Cyranoak
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
I'm trying to work my program and set my boundaries, but this is a serious issue in my marriage. I'm trying to be compassionate about the realities of getting sober (while maintaining said boundaries), but what SeekingWisdom said:
is a pattern getting repeated at my house every few months. I can't/won't put up with it. I feel you, LostWife84, and yes, it never makes any sense.
Ha! It's craziness! Last fight we had, the husband was halfway through fixing dinner and decided he didn't *want* to cook dinner, he wanted to order a pizza. When I was confused by the sudden decision, he flew off the handle, attacked me for not understanding him, and packed a bag to leave. When he realized I wan't chasing after him, he decided being a homeless drunk was an unattractive option. It's a bag full of what-the-hell-m'kay.
This is a similar situation to what both my father and husband would go through when struggling with sobriety. With my dad, it became a red flag for him falling off the wagon. He would become nasty and irritable for no apparent reason, further hurting and confusing once more those already coping with the turmoil of living with an alcoholic.
Many times it also was an attempt to start a fight to justify a reason to start drinking again. Their reasoning...start a fight, angry words are said and then giving themselves permission to drink again ...after all, they stopped drinking and they weren't being treated as well as they feel they should considering what they feel they have given up for others ... all part of the cycle of blame and denial that go hand and hand with insanity of addiction.
Many times it also was an attempt to start a fight to justify a reason to start drinking again. Their reasoning...start a fight, angry words are said and then giving themselves permission to drink again ...after all, they stopped drinking and they weren't being treated as well as they feel they should considering what they feel they have given up for others ... all part of the cycle of blame and denial that go hand and hand with insanity of addiction.
Ha! It's craziness! Last fight we had, the husband was halfway through fixing dinner and decided he didn't *want* to cook dinner, he wanted to order a pizza. When I was confused by the sudden decision, he flew off the handle, attacked me for not understanding him, and packed a bag to leave. When he realized I wan't chasing after him, he decided being a homeless drunk was an unattractive option. It's a bag full of what-the-hell-m'kay.
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