Missy7

I'm sorry for the long and sordid post. But I go to such detail because I need to hear what I know people are going to say. It's complicated, so I will use a series of bullets to explain how I got into trouble last night.

I know my drinking is my responsibility.

1. My husband KNOWS what I'm trying to do. He knows, he knows, he knows.

2. Because I'm being careful I had already decided we would go to Karaoke (his beloved hobby) one time this week and it would be Wednesday. I would go and not drink.

3. So last night I said to him, okay, let's get ready to go. And I asked, what am I going to drink? (I expected to talk about soda or whatnot--I wanted a plan. Maybe I wanted him to order for me—you know, formal date stuff.)

I know my drinking is my responsibility.

4. He said, "oh, just have your light beer." I looked at him and said, "What?" (stunned) I said, "You know what I'm trying to do." He said, "Okay, just have gin and tonic."

5. Oh my God.

6. We went through his usual, oh, I'm stupid, I forgot, I didn't understand routine. We went to the bar.

7. I had tomato juice and did just fine then started battling with myself. The problem is that he gets in the rotation and we wait for his turn to sing, so at any moment walking out takes him out of the rotation. You know, it was just going to be his turn…one more song…

I know my drinking is my responsibility.

8. I lost the battle.

9. To avoid specifics—which weren’t that bad—it became clear to me that he had a specific plan and I had played into it. And now he had a drunk woman in bed with him. And this plan is something I have seen, but not applied to his encouragement of my drinking until THIS MORNING. Years and years and years. I'm sure it's not the worst thing in the world. The man is sweet and loves me, but he knows I need to stop and he has decided for me that I'm incorrect about that decision.

There it is.

He is definitely encouraging this problem, but he is also very, very good to me. He is a wonderful husband (with a couple of issues) who isn't above slipping me a mickey--so to speak.

So that's what I'm up against. I am alone with him and he does not want me to quit. He doesn't even want me to moderate. He likes me smashed--and it isn't because I'm pretty when I'm smashed.

So, sorry for going on but thank you for listening. I'm posting this embarrassing story because I intend to post every day until I either succeed, fail, or die.

I’m going to drive to work, check on some things, then call my therapist. I definitely need back up.

SASA

Hi Missy, sorry to hear about your night, but don't beat yourself up just try again. , i realized when I started and was struggling for a lot of my friends who do not have a problem they really just forget that I don't drink. For them it is no big deal and they do not understand the mountain that we (non normies) have in front of us. I think normies will never understand. That is why SR is so important for me sharing and listening to others.

Anna

Focus on YOU!

Focus on YOU!

None of this is about your husband, it's about you. You can find the strength to deal with this and live a sober life.

Don't ask your husband 'What am I going to drink?' Make a choice, a decision to drink diet coke, for example, and stick to it.

Don't go to karaoke if it's too difficult for you.

This disease is relentless and it will suck you down if you don't stop.

suki44883

A wonderful husband would not encourage you to do something that could kill you. Sorry, but the guy is a jerk who puts his own pleasure above the health and well-being of his wife.

bellakeller

It's sort of horrifying to realize what's been going on right under your nose and passively with your own consent. But the more you focus on fixing your problem and not his problems, this feeling will soon pass. It did for me. I don't know exactly how and I am not sure exactly when but the utter horror of it all has disappeared for me. I think it had something to do with taking to acting in my life rather than reacting; focusing on fixing my deal regardless of what he was up to.

Also, and you may need to alert the media on this; but the world is not going to crack open and swallow up your husband if you don't go to Karaoke with him. He's not going to shrivel up and die if you don't drink with him (or for him or at him). He may not like it but really; so what?

Sorry you're going through this now. Stay true.

soberforbaby

Hi

I know the feeling. My wife actually encouraged me to drink when she knew I had a problem in the past. At just the right timing during my drunken night I could actually be fun in bed.

I know this sounds weird coming from a guy but it is true.

I have been sober since sunday and plan to keep it up for good. I also plan to get my butt in shape so I can make love to my wife regularly like a normal healthy man.

I don't blame my wife for anything. It is all my fault. We would probably have more than 1 child by now if I hadn't been a drunk for years. It is an immeasurable cost, what being a drunk did to me.

Time to make up some ground.

Mark75

What Anna said.

Sounds like you and he have a good relationship... all relationships are dysfunctional on some level... perhaps he is afraid... but that his journey.

There may come a time when going to the bar and watching karaoke is something you can do... but not now.

You must find within yourself some faith... That there is a light at the end of the tunnel. You may not know what things are in store for you if you get up and get started on this journey... but you do know if you don't, don't you.

It's gonna be OK.

littlefish

Missy hon, I could have written your post. I have been through hell and back on my sober journey and my husband has not been supportive and most of the time he is sabotaging my sobriety.
I have gone to all lengths to keep liquor out of my house, including locking everything up, but it hasn't helped.
I know all about a man who likes to have a drunk woman in bed. But, you know, it took me a long time to be a sober woman in bed and I was afraid of it, but it turned out okay.
Sorry if I made some of you guys blush!!!!!

It's YOUR sobriety. He doesn't get it. Most normies just simply don't understand us, but it is not their job to understand us. My husband will never understand my alcoholism. It is just beyond their comprehension, and, when you think about it, it is such a complicated disease that I don't even understand it myself sometimes.

just hang in there hon, one step at a time, one day at a time.

newwings

Missy, hon, do you LOVE karaoke yourself? Do you go to sing too or just to watch your husband? Is it YOUR hobby, too? I ask that, because there's nothing worse than having to sit, sit, sit, all night in a bar just to watch someone sing and not have anything else to do in the meantime. I'm pretty strong willed, and very sure of my sobriety right now, but I can't imagine doing that without having an impossibly hard time. I think, by going, you are setting yourself up to fail. How did you feel once you'd decided you were going to go on Wednesday? Anxious? Worried? Strong? Secretly thrilled as you knew you could drink if you wanted? These are important questions to ask yourself

You are offering your husband your full support with his hobby, and that's an admirable thing to do. But you have to ask yourself, where's his support for you? I wouldn't go so far to call him a jerk, I don't think that's fair to judge - everyone's relationships are different, as are everyone's expectations of support. He's human - as are you. Don't forget how many things change once one person gets sober and the other isn't....

But I totally get it, my hubby still drinks a bottle of wine every night plus two joints. It's maddening and I feel repulsed by him at the moment (the smell of the wine on him makes me recoil, and he's a total buzzed bore from 9pm onwards once the weed kicks in. I find myself having to disappear off to leave him to his own devices), but I have to completely disassociate myself from HIS STUFF. On one hand he says he's 'supportive' but on the other he leaves his wine next to me while I'm cooking, and swigs away without a thought for what I'm actually trying to achieve here. I really believe that someone who isn't going through what we are, have a SINGLE CLUE what constitutes 100% support.

Missy, I'm being totally honest with you here...you HAVE to look after yourself first. It comes from within. If you can be tempted by him saying that, you are looking for a reason to drink, sweetie. You need to take control and dump the places/events that set you up for failure - maybe for a little while, or maybe permanently. If you are placing yourself in a situation where you really think you will do battle with yourself all night..don't do it. Can he take someone else with him, maybe?

Missy7

Important point guys: he doesn't understand.

We have a beautiful, dysfunctional relationship including phenomenal love and copious anger and a gentleness I cannot describe and some rank late, late nights.

So I assume he understands everything. But he clearly doesn't.

Maybe that's the fantasy I have to relinquish.

Anna

Yes, he doesn't understand, and fantasy is a big part of denial in addiction. Many of us, including me, have spouses and families who don't understand. And, ultimately, that doesn't matter.

I fantasized about my relationships too, and then my perspective changed a lot when I began to recover.

littlefish

I'm double dipping here....as they say in AA.
I think I will bury my husband or he will bury me without understanding a single thing about my disease.
My husband is normal in terms of drinking. He is not normal in other ways...obsessive controlling, passive aggressive, codependent to me as an alcoholic, codependent to his children....but he doesn't want a drink at 6AM. I do.
I think sometimes as alcoholics we have to sort out the ball of tangled yarn in our lives and recognize the worst tangle. My worst tangle was alcoholism and that is what I had to solve first.
It was amazing for me to see how so many other problems solved themselves once I quit drinking.

Missy7

littlefish--we are not only married to the same man, but we have so much in common otherwise! It's pretty recent that I want red wine with my Cheerios, but gosh, if does sometimes seem a good idea.

Cheerios, banana, pecans, nonfat milk

One good reason not to drink!

newwings

O.M.Gosh....that, right there, is probably one of the best statements I've ever read on here. Thank you for your perception, littlefish!!!

Missy7

littlefish--do you knit? I mean the metaphor might be telling...I knit. I generally am always doing something with my hands. But not when they're wrapped around a glass or a bottle...sad to think of the sweaters I haven't knitted while drinking.

doggonecarl

The replies to this post are eerily similiar to the replies to some of your earliest posts to SR.

Nothing changes, if nothing changes...

Missy7

What's really important to me about the replies here is that so many people can talk about their own experiences that are so similar to m ine. I don't know if you recall when I first started out on here, but I mentioned that I think that we learn through writing (my cognitive theory--as a teacher). So I might repeat myself but I'm a little thick on these things.

On the other hand, I've noticed that most of the threads on this forum, blessed as it is, wind up saying very similar things. I think the number line of alcoholism doesn't really go very far. I think we are stunningly similar, as are our problems.

What was new about my post today is my very, very incremental beginning of a realization that I will have to turn away from my husband. He will not be coming along with me on this journey. This is new. It is hurtful. And Anna was loudest in helping me realize it. I am sure I will have to say it again. And again. I've spent my entire life with this man accompanying me on every journey. Every single stinking one. If I go on a business trip he makes sure a car meets me at the airport. When the doctor said we couldn't conceive together he immediately said--let's take the next step. He told me my father had died. He was there, before we began dating, on the most painful personal day of my life. He held my babies before me. He walked my daughter down the aisle. He has performed surgery prep for me (home stuff)...He guided me as I went from a semi-literate meth user to a college professor.

And he will not accompany me on this journey.

Kinda a big pill to swallow and I'm sorry if I'm repetitive. But I do appreciate that I have you guys to take this journey with me.

Mark75

My wife is a normal drinker, and no she doesn't understand, and some of the things she said early on... well, lets just say that they are best forgotten as they were statements made by a very frightened, confused, wonderful lady...

He may not be on the same journey, but he's right there with ya'!!

Boleo

When ever I attend any function that will have alcohol available, I plan 3 things ahead of time;

1. A script "No Thanks, I am not drinking alcohol for health reasons".

2. A schedule. I will leave at X PM or when people start acting tipsy.

3. An escape route. If I am not driving, I will make sure there is more than one way to get home when I want to leave.

Fandy

Now that you understand that your husband is not your supporting your decision to stop drinking...will you continue to go to Karioke? I would not.

i'm glad you have a happy home life, but I think it's terribly disrespectful of him to pretend he doesn't "remember" that you're no longer drinking.....the Gin and tonic remark, the light beer remark come across to me as "planting the seed"....and look what happened.