Hello
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Newton, NJ
Posts: 10
Hello
I read somewhere that women will forgive and stay with a recovering alcoholic but if they are both in recovery, the man doesn't usually forgive the wife and stay with her. After moving out of the house ad after I sold the house ad moved back to my home town, my husband stayed with me for three months and then one day, a little over a year ago, he just up ad left. I haven't heard from him since. I know where he lives but I won't go there. I don't even know why he left. He lead me to believe he loved me, I took care of him, drove him all over to meetings, missed work when I had to take him to the hospital. Are alcoholics so selfish that they would just do that to their ow wife? I drank when I lived with him, but not as much. I can do without the alcohol. My problem was that I was on benzo's but I'm not anymore. I take Vistaril for anxiety, and it's non-narcotic.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Rose ...
....Welcome
This is now in the Friends and Family forum where you can find others that are deealing with
or have dealth with your current situation.
....Welcome This is now in the Friends and Family forum where you can find others that are deealing with
or have dealth with your current situation.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Newton, NJ
Posts: 10
...and I'm glad all the AAer's are so happy, joyous and free after ruining everone else's lives. Yes I will get over this but the last year has been hell! Here I thought how good it was going to be when he got sober and I think what happened is that he "came to realize" he doesn't want me anymore after 11 years of putting up with his anger, cruelty, and greediness...selfish jerk!
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi rose!!
Welcome to SR!
Perhaps because he is indeed selfish, cruel, etc its better if you are not without him? perhaps it can be a fresh new start for you?
Are you doing exercise?it has helped me cope with anger and resentment.
The people from AA I know (recovered ones) are not joyous, at least the ones I met were very worried about making it up for their families. They indeed seem able to put themselves in the other's shoes (especially the partners'). Sometimes I think others are happy and free and I am not, but that is just being self destructive... feeling gratitude for what I do have (beginning with one more day of life) takes me out from that thinking......
Therapy has helped me a great deal, to feel better and feel more peace in my life.
Welcome to SR!
Perhaps because he is indeed selfish, cruel, etc its better if you are not without him? perhaps it can be a fresh new start for you?
Are you doing exercise?it has helped me cope with anger and resentment.
The people from AA I know (recovered ones) are not joyous, at least the ones I met were very worried about making it up for their families. They indeed seem able to put themselves in the other's shoes (especially the partners'). Sometimes I think others are happy and free and I am not, but that is just being self destructive... feeling gratitude for what I do have (beginning with one more day of life) takes me out from that thinking......
Therapy has helped me a great deal, to feel better and feel more peace in my life.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: FL
Posts: 63
Iwent thru similar feelings of hurt and anger when I was in a similar situation but I had to take some blame because it was my choice for staying 14 years too long and its also my choice to make each day going forward a great one!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: FL
Posts: 63
Iwent thru similar feelings of hurt and anger when I was in a similar situation but I had to take some blame because it was my choice for staying 14 years too long and its also my choice to make each day going forward a great one!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Newton, NJ
Posts: 10
Yes, but I still love him! I knew his attitude came from the alcohol and if he wanted to we could have gone to AA couples counseling or marriage counseling after he was sober for a little while. But nooooo, he only cares about himself. He paid his $30,000 worth of child support to his ex-wife, and gave each of his sons (he has 2) $10,000 each because when his mom died it was in her will that the grandkids each get $10,000. My husband, his brother and his sister all received 1/2 million dollars each. In the meatime I had to sell our house that was in my name at a short sale because the last year of his active drinking he didn't think he should have to work or pay his half of the household bills anymore. He was on medicaid, welfare, food stamps, you name it! There wasn't aything wrong with him except the alcoholism! I did the best I could but I couldn't afford to pay the mortgage on top of everything else. He knew he was coming into money and he could have very easily paid his half of the mortgage but he didn't. As soon as he got the money he left my apartment in NJ where I took care of him for 3 months! This was after I had gone to a real doctor. I think he thinks I want his money but I don't. Anyway, I haven't heard from him since, I refuse to go to his apartment in PA (I live about 45 minutes away in NJ now). I have a problem with depression and anxiety. I've had it my whole life. I was put on zoloft and xanax and was on it for 30 years. I still take an anti-depressant but a different type and I take vistaril which is non-narcotic for my anxiety. When I lived in PA with him I couldn't afford to go to a good doctor so I'd have to drink wine to get the Xanax to kick in. Since my new doctor put me on Effexor and Vistaril, I'm fine and I couldn't care less if I ever had a drink again. This was about a year ago. Alcohol isn't my problem and xanax and zoloft no longer worked. I'm on the meds I have to be on whether he likes it or not. He acted like he was in shock when I told him how long I had been taking xanax but really, what's the difference, alcohol is a drug too. He drank as long, if not longer than I was on Xanax. It didn't make me act alike a lunatic or zombie-like, all it did was keep me from having anxiety attacks. My first one was in kindergarten and then when I was in 6th grade they got progressively worse to the point where I became agoraphobic. I was with my first husbad at the time who was very helpful with all that but he cheated on me constantly. My second husband (common-law) would have had a fit if I had told him I was taking xanax and that it wasn't working aymore. He has that "I'm better than you "attitude ayway! Also, he took the TV, his desk and computer, clothes, personal items and left me with a big mess! That was a big beautiful house. The garage was a horrible mess. I now live in a room! I went through the closing myself showed the house myself lived there in a bad area for two months alone. He didn't help, not one bit. My 74 year old mother and father helped and I rented a u-haul. We had to make at least three trips with that and several trips in two different cars to get everything out of there. My mom fell and hurt her hip that she had replaced awhile back and scratched up her chin ad face. They insisted on helping. I didn't have friends. Most wives of alcoholics wind up losing their friends. I've gotten him back in so many ways. Sometimes I wish he would die from alcoholism. Why should he be happy? He screwed up so may people's lives! Believe it or not as mean and angry as I sound, I have come a long way. I take care of myself better than I ever have. You wouldn't know I was 51 years old. Maybe I'll get over the anger but I will never ever forgive him ad I do not wish him the best. Like I said, Sometimes I wish he'd start drinking again to the point where it literally KILLS HIM! Everythig I worked for is gone, my credit sucks, I love yard work and flowers...there are so many things he's taken from me! He bought his own house with some of the money and here I sit in a ROOM! By the way common-law marriages were abolished in 2003 or 2005 so I don't think I can get anything out of him. We don't have kids together either thank God! He was only with is ex-wife for 6 or 7 years. I was with him for 11 years, and here I sit! He lives in a bad area. I hope someone beats the crap out of him ad takes his money. He's a coward ad won't fight or argue with men. He only does that with women...and I still love him! Yes, I go to a good counselor, I go to church now. I pray every night just like the alkies do. I'm trying to be a better person, get a better job..blah, blah, blah!
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
wow.
half a million?
keeee-rap!
that *will* take some getting over.
I'm glad to read about the therapy and that you have a support circle.
It's a good crowd here at sr as well.
It too thirty five years for my ex#1
to finaly get caught.
He's in prison
where he should have been for the LAST 35 years.
While I don't recommend stewing over it
and waiting around for the injustice of it all to be righted
(because frankly that's a myth and injustice is almost never righted)
it's going to have to hurt for a while
and it's going to take some serious mountainclimbing
to get over this particular hump.
That's where SR can help, hon.
We hang out,
wonder things about ourselves
help each other
encourage each other
and try our best to get our lives moving forward
either again - or for the first time.
I'm glad you found us and that you posted again.
half a million?
keeee-rap!
that *will* take some getting over.
I'm glad to read about the therapy and that you have a support circle.
It's a good crowd here at sr as well.
It too thirty five years for my ex#1
to finaly get caught.
He's in prison
where he should have been for the LAST 35 years.
While I don't recommend stewing over it
and waiting around for the injustice of it all to be righted
(because frankly that's a myth and injustice is almost never righted)
it's going to have to hurt for a while
and it's going to take some serious mountainclimbing
to get over this particular hump.
That's where SR can help, hon.
We hang out,
wonder things about ourselves
help each other
encourage each other
and try our best to get our lives moving forward
either again - or for the first time.
I'm glad you found us and that you posted again.
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
one thing that started me on this path
was to start examining what I thought 'love' actually was.
define it.
then see how much of that was what I was actually receiving.
for me love = pain. and loss. and fear.
that's not love.
so maybe that's a good starting place for you as well?
was to start examining what I thought 'love' actually was.
define it.
then see how much of that was what I was actually receiving.
for me love = pain. and loss. and fear.
that's not love.
so maybe that's a good starting place for you as well?
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