Fizzle6

How to stay away from people, places, and things, when for the last nine years I drank at home? That's my question? Anyone out there have any suggestions?

A little background...

I am a 39yr old functional alcoholic. I have a job, a wife, and three wonderful children. When I drink, I drink in the evenings. I used to drink every evening - from the time I got home from work until late into the night. I started drinking approximately ten years ago -- coming out of a stressful relationship. Lately, I have managed to go anywhere from two months to two weeks to two days without drinking. I can manage the initial withdrawal, but I always go back. I tell myself I can stop and start, so what's the big deal if I cut loose and have a few drinks every once in a while. It's getting exhausting though. I have figured various ways to counter the urge to drink like exercise, eating healthy, taking supplements and vitamins, reading, spending time with my family, etc.. In general, I am happier, and feel better when I am not drinking.

The thing I struggle with the most is the nagging feeling each night that I am denying myself the "reward" of a few stiff drinks after working all day and taking care of kids and house. I can' t seem to counter it. Anyone out there have any thoughts -- or maybe dealt with something similar?

least

For me I had to understand and truly believe that drinking was no 'reward' but the ingestion of a toxic substance that would only do me badly. Once I truly believed that it was a lot easier to not 'reward' myself.

nandm

to SR. Glad you are here.

My experience has been that until I changed my perception of alcohol from a reward I had difficulty staying quit from drinking. I had to change my brains reward system of thinking. Admittedly that has not always been the best changes. In early sobriety I changed my reward system to sweets....not good for weight gain. It has changed over the past 10 years and now my reward has become the knowledge that I have gained so much from being sober, such as my family back and their love and respect. I know that they truly can appreciate the person I am today. When I drank I did not give them any chance of truly knowing who I am or letting them get too close. I know my grandson would not be a part of my life like he is today without my sobriety. I have also been blessed with for the most part a pretty comfortable life. I know my partner and I would not be together today if it were not for my sobriety. I am able to rent my other house out to my children which I would never have had two houses to be able to do that if it were not for my sobriety and partner. So ultimately what I have done is changed my reward system over to a gratitude system and when the thought of drinking comes into my mind I remember that I am living my reward daily and drinking will only destroy that and take me back down that long toilet ride to misery and self loathing.

I don't know if any of that makes sense but that is my experience.

newwings

Yup - I know exactly what you are talking about. I drank at home. Always. Not at bars, dinner parties, friend's houses - very rarely. In fact, I normally end up being designated driver by my friends on nights out since they were the ones getting loaded up and I wasn't.
However, back at home was the problem. I'd leave social events early so that I could get home and crack open the wine. I would drink every evening from 6pm to 12pm - later if I had two bottles available. It was destroying my life. In fact, it really nearly did. I nearly died one night from choking on my own vomit in my sleep.

I had the same problem with the 'reward system' in the evenings. I used to think what else is there to do? Trust me, you can try to fill in the gaps with exercise, vitamins, reading, etc etc...but if, essentially at the core of it is that you are trying NOT to think about drinking during all of those things, it's not going to click. All of those things seem empty and unfulfilling, which is why they aren't enough to keep you from relapsing.

You don't seem to mention any kind of plan of action - a full 'mind, body, soul recovery plan'. I don't do AA (but I will in the future if my current sobriety plan fails, at the moment feeling very strong) but I really think that AA or another structured program will help you maintain your sobriety beyond the two months max you mentioned.

It's tiring, isn't it? All those mental battles. I know

ChrissieB

Hi Fizzle

Welcome to SR Fizzle6, that nagging voice in your head is the demon drink, it is a monster no doubt about, it wants you to feed it what it needs which is alcohol and will put all sort of thoughts into your mind. A good way to think about it is this way, you are rewarding yourself by not drinking, that you will work better, take care of your kids and wife and house better by not numbing your mind and body with alcohol, financially you will be better off and things will improve at home not doubt about it, mentally you will not feel exhausted but better as the struggle will be ended. God Bless x

newwings

SPOT ON!! This is totally the key to conquering the 'reward' fallacy. Once this happened, I found the rest fell into place and there were no more mental battles.

"I'm going to poison myself after work. I deserve it".

That's what I was doing for many, many years.

Humbled77

I can relate to changing the mental perception of rewards being a big turning point. It also sounds like just a little support for you can go a long way. Your story seems fairly similar to mine, and the support has pushed into the positive. Design your own support system, there are many combinations and what works for you is up to you. I use SR, Therapist, Wife, and Meditation. It is different than my previous attempts with no plan or support, much different. Good luck.

Fizzle6

Thanks to all for the thoughtful remarks.

I think perhaps it's time I stop kidding myself and accept -- really accept -- that I simply cannot drink anymore. No occasional indulgence -- no "I had such a stressful day, I deserve it" -- no "I'll stop for a few weeks and see how I feel". I think secretly I'd always hoped that I could go back to being a casual drinker. Clearly, that system isn't working for me...

Now, how to change that perception of "reward"...

Fizzle6

Is it wrong that I feel a sense of remorse over the fact that I cannot be a casual drinker -- that I'll have to spend the rest of my life being ever-watchful -- never relaxing my guard?

The task seems daunting at the moment, I must admit...

Anna

You might want to read "Drinking: A Love Story" by Caroline Knapp. It's a memoir of a high-functioning young alcoholic woman and her love affair with alcohol, and grieving the loss of her 'love'.

theatredork

I still have a hard time not seeing alcohol as a pleasurable thing (at least in part) and focusing on the rest of my life. I know in my heart of hearts that I can never drink again, but I can't focus on that. It's too daunting. What I did at the very beginning (and now do naturally) was STAY BUSY. Distract yourself during the time you would normally drink. Do the opposite of whatever it was you did before. Stayed home and drank? I did too. Start working out in the evenings. Take a class. Audition for a play. Go to an AA meeting every day (I am doing 90 meetings in 90 days - sounds daunting but I'm doing it). Start riding a bike. Join a sports team. Get really into college athletics and go see games/meets all the time. Do enjoyable things that seem like rewards to you that are DIFFERENT than you did while drinking (it's very easy to drink while reading, etc. but not so easy to drink while mountain climbing. Alcohol is most definitely NOT the only thing that you see as a reward. Let yourself eat. Let yourself do fun things. The fun things get better once you get used to not drinking (and I'm only taking a week or two here).

I'm now an AA advocate. Other people help. It can even be fun. I know I don't have a prayer of staying sober for more than a few months if I don't have help.

Humbled77

Right on Fizzle! It appears like you are headed down the right path. I did a rough estimate of what I was spending daily on booze at my worst. It came out to about $20, I liked expensive alcohol. Anyway, for everyday I am sober I give myself a $20 credit. That goes to smoothies, ice cream, and grown-up toys (like power tools, fishing gear, and my climbing rack). Yesterday I came home after a solid day playing in the mountains, usually beer time for me, instead I used the time to decide what I was going to by with the $140 I saved by not drinking last week. Looks like it's time for some new wrenches in my garage.

newwings

My husband bought me an electric double bass over the weekend (lucky me!!). It's something I've always wanted, but to be honest, I was never motivated enough to challenge myself..because by the evening time I was drinking, talking on the phone to other drunk people, wasting time on facebook, and eventually slumped in front of the television until I woke up stiff and cold in the early hours of the morning.

I've already learnt 8 songs, found I'm a natural (and yes, since I've been sober, I've felt able to give myself a pat on the back when it's deserved!), and my hands and brain have been busy. I can't tell you the thought of drinking was totally driven from my mind that weekend (primarily because I was more excited and buzzing than I have been since I quit drinking) but I was too busy doing something else exciting instead. I'm thinking clearly and quickly, retaining the things I learnt, and improving on them every time I pick it up. In the olden days I think I would have abandoned the idea of it already. I think that's the key...

And yes, I think we do go through a mourning period. Not really for the alcohol itself but the wish or hope for 'normal' drinking. But if you think about it clearly, what you are really striving for is that mental image of being relaxed, buzzed, animated, happy - whatever the usual positive images are of 'normal' drinking. I have to fast forward to the dark moments, alone, totally and utterly wasted, shamed, guilty, angry, bitter, because the tape doesn't stop at happy, relaxed, buzzed etc.

When I thought of the 'positive' images of normal drinking I felt a jolt of "I can't do that anymore", but quickly replaced it with..."I can't do that anymore. But it's ok. I'm still here".

Mind tricks are awesomely powerful. Mine's been tricking me for years. Now I'm tricking it right back..and it feels GOOD.

Fizzle6

Thanks for the tip, Anna. I actually read the book about three months back. An excellent read. Sad that Ms. Knapp is no longer with us. It was one of the first things I read when I began this bumpy ride called abstinence.

Anna

Great, so you can recognize that you are going through a period of loss and grieving, and that it will get better. Hang in there!

guyinyvr

Hey Fizzle oh ya , I can relate and I think some have commented on the change of perception about what is a reward and what isn't. It was and still is screwed up for me. It sits right next to that self pity crap ..." I deserve , I need , I am so hard done by" at least for me.

Grieving it , oh yes , for sure , its a loss of that instant chemical jolt and its effect. Its a deep chemical deal for me as nothing ever really works like alcohol but taking the veil off , I begin to have a lot less love when I remember all its done to me and people around me. The need part is crap , the want part is more difficult when things line up for a full set of triggers.

Oh I do and will probably always miss that nice bold red with a steak or crisp white with fish etc but what I will save myself from is one heck of a lot of ugliness and so that becomes its own reward. Not to mention all that money in the bank

What I find is if I look for reward outside of myself , I get out of the traps I set for myself. Deflate my ego and I get a chance , let it bring back self will ...I might make it but not likely on my track record.

Just my $0.02

EmeraldRose

It IS hard changing your life and thinking around when you are ready to stop drinking.
I was a home drinker, too...never went to bars. But I would drink whenever I felt like it -not just after work and ultimately drinking during the day cost me my job.
Alcohol is a very cunning 'friend'. It makes you think you need it. It makes you think you can't live without it. It makes you think that you will be hopeless if you can't just have that one drink.
Well, I and so many others here have proved it wrong. There is life after booze. And its awesome. Once you get over the initial release of the hold it has it will be easier to let go.
Life is a sequence of events that are already planned out for you. Go with your gut and follow your heart. Don't fight yourself. You will find that giving in to yourself is easier and wiser than giving in to the drink.
Do you have any kind of program or plan for your recovery? I attend AA when I'm not scheduled to work and I also attended a 6 week out patient rehab program. That was just awesome. I am here alot -this helps to keep me on track and remind myself daily of where I need to be...and to know we are not alone. Very important in recovery.
Wishing you peace and strength.

bellakeller

Alcohol worked until it turned on me. It was causing more and more problems in my life and was less and less of a reward. Plus, turns out I wasn't able to stop on my own. I kept going back to it until I got some help with AA. A program of recovery has just made the struggle not so much of a struggle anymore.

Best of luck to you. It's a journey.

justjo

Quote; Nandm So ultimately what I have done is changed my reward system over to a gratitude system and when the thought of drinking comes into my mind I remember that I am living my reward daily and drinking will only destroy that and take me back down that long toilet ride to misery and self loathing.

I really like this and I never thought of it this way before. I have done this for along time. Work hard all day and got my reward for doing so, or drowning my sorrows.

fizzle, you sound alot like my brother. He does exactly that and when I saw him the other day in a long time, he looked like he was pregnant. I might quote what nandm said to him too. He has a beautiful wife and kids, a lovely home and a business. I would hate to see him die the way my sister did.

Thoughts are with you JJ

artsoul

Welcome Fizzle! It's scary to think about life without alcohol, but the fact that we're afraid to do without is just one more sign that we have an addiction. When I first came here, I couldn't imagine not drinking. After a few months, I couldn't imagine going back to it. I really didn't know until I got sober how much it had taken from me.

Also, I had to focus on one day at a time taking it one day at a time and not think about "forever." Little by little we learn how to live sober, so be patient with yourself and get as much support as you can.......