DISdreamer

I'm somewhat new here, so forgive me for ranting on my first few visits.

My father was arrested for allegedly forging workplace documents. He was probably drunk at the time, as he frequently showed up for work intoxicated. Of course now the same family members who enabled his drunken behavior for the past few years are expecting all of us to "rally" round and be supportive. But I'm having a hard time with it. I will say that I am *lucky* in the respect that he did not drink when I was growing up - he had a lot of other issues, but that wasn't one of them. I have been more than concerned and embarrassed by his behavior in the last 10-12 years.

The thing is, even before the alcohol he frequently made stupid decisions that were always everyone else's fault. He's always had a hair trigger temper and when we were kids we walked on egg shells because we never knew what his mood was going to be. No one could ever tell him what to do...When certain family members were (rightfully) disgusted by his behavior and attitude we were told to lighten up and we were the ones who had issues.

In any event I feel like all the things he has been doing in the month since the arrest have been for show - so yes he goes to AA meetings, and counseling...because he has to in the hopes he can avoid serious time. You know the old Rhett Butler line "You're like the thief who isn't the least bit sorry he stole, but is terribly, terribly sorry he's going to jail." His cast of enablers is still enabling. They are "surprised" that something finally came of his drinking. When I said that I wasn't surprised that something finally happened only surprised by what happened, I suddenly developed three heads...

In any event I've been asked (told) to write a letter of support for legal reasons. But like I said, I'm just having a hart time.

suki44883

If you don't want to write a letter of support, then don't. Let those who enable him do it if they want to. At some point, he is going to have to face the consequences of his bad decisions, so I wouldn't be eager to help keep that from happening.

I'm sorry you feel pressured to do something you don't want to do. You do have a choice, and maybe less contact with them is in order. Sometimes we have to remove ourselves from people, even if they happen to be family. It's sad, but sometimes it is necessary. Hang in there and only do what you feel is the right thing.

StarCat

I agree with Suki. You have no requirement to do anything, you don't feel comfortable doing it, so don't.

I know it's easier said then done. Extracting ourselves from the insanity is difficult, especially when it's family. Still, not writing the letter is the best thing you can do for yourself, and it's also the best thing you can do for him as well - it means that on your end, you are giving him the privilege of experiencing the consequences of his own actions.

Sylvie66

I keep coming back around to 'living a value-centered life'. If writing a letter of support isn't in line with your values, you don't write it. You don't need to explain your reasons. At the end of the day, we all have to live with the consequences of our own decisions. I made many bad decisions, and have spent many long years finding my way back to live and express my core values.

- Sylvie

PurpleWilder

As my old Al-Anon sponsor once told me, "The only things you HAVE to do are die and pay taxes!"

This was in response to my then AH trying to get me to sign all sorts of out of court papers regarding financial and custody arrangements prior to a formal divorce. He had a lawyer and I didn't and he tried to beat me over the head with it. If it hadn't been for my Iron Chef sponsor, I probably would have. But I didn't and it was for the best.

If you don't feel comfortable writing the letter, then don't write the letter. If/when your dad does something else unsavory, you will surely be the only one with a clear conscience on the matter. And you are the only one you have to look at in the mirror each day.

I know when family is pressuring you it is hard to say no, but stay strong!

barb dwyer

When we are grownups,
we have to make decisions all the time
that aren't questioned.

But when it comes to family
they act as if they are talking to a child
that simply doesn't exist any more.

I've seen forty year old men
turn into twelve year old boys
when their mother pushed the right button.

You're a grown up.
You have to work and pay your own taxes.

you have permission to say no.

ps-
there is nothing more sincere in meetings
than an alcoholic awaiting a trial.

I've been asked numerous times
to go to court with people
to tell a judge how 'great' this or that person
is doing in recovery.

(things are a bit more informal here in this part of mt)

And I've never done.
I didn't know them before they got into trouble
I don't know their situation
and only time would tell
if they'd stick with the Program
with the clutching desperation
they had until that point.

When your gut says don't do something
then I say don't do it.