CaliSoca

I'm sure most remember my story.....
anyway, I haven't heard anything from the xabf since my birthday a month 1/2 ago. And yea, that's a good thing. I know this. I'm still fairly hurt by what happened.
Tonight I found myself at sorts with it everything that happened. Yesterday (saturday) there was an article in our cities breaking news website that a body was found near where he lives....died of an apparent heroin (his doc) overdose. It really freaked me out and I have no clue if it was him. I have him blocked on facebook, and dont want to unblock. I don't want to call him. I know I shouldn't care, or let alone think about it, but it's just how I feel. :/


I have a weird feeling that he's going to come around and I have no idea how to handle it when it comes. I want to talk to him about what happened, but on the other hand I just want to ignore him like he did when I reached out.

I guess I just needed to get that out there.

suki44883

We don't stop caring about someone just because we know they are unhealthy for both themselves and us. I've been divorced from my husband for over 9 years and I still care about him. Whenever I see an article about someone on a motorcycle being killed, I always fear it will turn out to be him. What you are feeling are human emotions and there is nothing wrong with it.

The good thing is that you didn't unblock him on facebook or call and start that whole ball rolling again. You'll feel better in a few days, but you won't just stop caring about him. I hope he doesn't come around and I hope it wasn't him who died. I hope you will stay strong and continue to focus on yourself and your own well-being.

CaliSoca

thanks suki.
I have all these confusing emotions stirring inside. But, when I find myself asking why-why do a complete 180 in a matter of days, why be so cold towards me....i just keep telling myself that he is an addict and his behavior is just what addicts do.

I'm kind of scared that if he comes back, i'll let him back into my life. I know that's a completely unhealthy road to go down, but I do care about him and want him (sober) in my life.

:/

hello-kitty

Yep. He's just a mentally sick person. He's emotionally immature. That's what mentally ill and immature people do. i know it hurts if you think about it but believe me when I tell you, it has nothing to do with you.

Are you getting out with your friends and keeping active?

I can't change someone else's bizarre and hurtful choices. I can only control my own decisions. i had to choose to move forward with my life. I did this by consciously deciding NOT to dwell on the negative. I found positive, uplifting things to think about and to keep me busy and eventually my experiences became more positive and uplifting.

Whether you travel a healthy road or an unhealthy road in your life is completely up to you. Right now, in this present moment, choosing to work a personal recovery program can make a huge difference in the choices you make in the future.

CaliSoca

hello-kitty: I haven't been dwelling on it except for these past couple days. Honestly, I haven't been keeping active. I've been horribly fatigued for the past month and i really only get out of my apartment to go to work or to go to the grocery store. I'm going to try to change that....even if it's getting out for an hour-baby steps.

suki44883

I know that's a completely unhealthy road to go down, but I do care about him and want him (sober) in my life.

But, he isn't sober and it doesn't appear he has any intentions of living a sober life. Continue to focus on you and your own recovery. Who knows? There may be someone down the road who would be perfect for you without having to change a single thing.

hello-kitty

It's a good thing you've acknowledged the negative thoughts in two days instead of waiting for two months to address the problem.

If we give our thoughts enough power to take away our serenity, it's probably time to make a change in our behavior. The sooner, the better.

outtolunch

So easy ( convenient) to forget this when I focus on things beyond my control.

CaliSoca

thanks everyone.
I'm so upset tonight. Hormones may have something to do with, but either way, i'm a bit of a mess! I just have all these 'whys' circling around my brain. As I said before, I know he's an addict and his behavior is typical....but....he knows i'm sick. Why put someone through so much emotional pain when you know that they have health problems? Why ignore them when they tell you that you're hurting them?

My mom said she would buy me a plane ticket to come home for a couple weeks. I might take her up on that. :/

suki44883

My mom said she would buy me a plane ticket to come home for a couple weeks. I might take her up on that.

I think that sounds like a good idea. You need to get away and being around your family just might be quite helpful right now.

hello-kitty

Even non-addict guys do this. It's called being a jerk. There's lots of them out there.

hello-kitty

And you can't change a jerk anymore than you can change an addict.

(I know because I'm just getting out of a relationship with one. He wasn't a drug addict and he was real nice for the first 6 months. But once he didn't feel the need to be on his best behavior anymore, because he "had" me where he wanted me, his true personality reared his head. He turned into a jerk. And he didn't even need drugs to do it.... so I dumped him. It hurts but I deserve better treatment. And so do you.)

CaliSoca

oh i know. Last year, one of my good guy friends and I started dating-long story short, he dumped ME for a drug addict. The guy before that dumped me when I was diagnosed with Lupus because me trying to deal with it was too much 'drama' for him.

Right now, I just don't know what to think-which is probably why I should stop thinking about it altogether. I totally caved this morning and unblocked him from facebook. It appears that he hasnt been on since I said something to him and unfriended him about a month ago. Unfortunately, facebook has this rule where you have to wait 48 hours before you can block someone again. :/ No worries, no facebook stalking will happen on my end. :P

::sigh:: i really do care about him. Everything really felt normal and right when we were together.

CaliSoca

At the beginning of April, I sent him a message just getting some things off my chest-like how he dumped this huge thing on me and left me to deal with it on my own because he refused to talk to me about it. How he was cruel and nasty to me, how he disappeared, then reappeared on my birthday, then disappeared again. I mentioned that i know it's hard to open up about something so serious, but dont know why he felt the need to push me away. I ended with him telling him that i wasn't trying to get him to talk to me....just getting how I feel out there. He ignored it. So, I highly doubt if I call and say 'hey, can you just come back? please?', that he will answer and say yes. He just ignores. All he does is ignore, which is weird seeing how he ALWAYS talked about everything with me. Even when a problem came up. :/

I'm confused. Right now, it's like....I don't want to end up how some people on here have ended up. I'm not trying to offend anyone, i just dont want to come back a few years down the line and have the same story as everyone else-the relapsing, the failed marriages etc etc. I know I can't change him, or fix him, or that loving him will make him stay sober. I also don't want to have to feel like I have to monitor him. :/

On the other hand, I've been talking to this other guy. We just met, are getting to know each other and so far all signs point to him being genuine. He's a lot like the person I used to be-kind of a hippie-and I've noticed that side of me coming out the more I talk to him....I'm more patient, and nice, less grumpy etc.

CaliSoca

we're fighting via text message right now.
He's in total denial about how he treated me.

suki44883

It doesn't matter anymore. Stop texting with him. It just keeps the same crap going and going. It's time to move on.

CaliSoca

yea...he just told me that me using plastic utensils/cups in my apartment and having no food is a sign of a drug addict. I was like....uh....i told you I'm usually too exhausted to do dishes thanks to my disease. No food? gee, maybe that's because I told you I dont have an appetite because of said disease.
I called him out on the blown vein and he says it's been there for years.

He's delusional.

CaliSoca

actually I don't. I'm sick right now and have nothing to do but stay in bed!
haha.

he ended the conversation though.

suki44883

Again, it doesn't matter anymore. Arguing with him gets no one anywhere. But, some people just like to argue, so, whatever.

CaliSoca

boredom!