Shirt423

Hi,

My recovering ABF continues to break up with me and say that I am not there for him and that I don't really love him. We were supposed to be signing a lease for an apt this week. He says I hurt him when in reality he hurts me. The problem is that most days are really good. We are best friends, get along great, say the same things at the same time, laugh, play, and overall really love eachother. These times are so hard on me. He goes from hot to cold in a second. Is this typical in early recovery? I am scared for him, and while it is hard when he does this to me, I know he is just a sad person and gets into these really dark places in his mind. He doesn't believe anyone can really love him. My heart breaks for him, he isn't a bad person. This deaseas is so sad, and so hard to battle. The problem is that i don't know how to react.

I try telling him I love him, that I am here for him, that he is a great person. But he will just say I am a liar and to leave him alone. I don't get it, he says leave me alone and then says why are you never here when I need you.

Am I taking crazy pills? Does he really believe the BS he throws at me?

Any advice on how I can handle him in these "dry drunk" phases would be helpful. His eyes are stone cold just like when he was drinking. It breaks my heart to see someone who can be so full of life and optimistic in such a dark and depressing state of mind.

Thanks for any thoughts / experiences.

suki44883

If he is just not drinking and not working a program, he is not in recovery. If it were me, I would not sign a lease on an apartment with him. That could put you in a bad position if he decides to start drinking again, or decides to leave. Take care of yourself and your own interests and let him take care of his.

fourmaggie

the 3C's
you did not cause this
you can not control this
and there is no cure

please find an AL ANON meeting and go...this will help...
maybe there is a blessing in disguise in this of not moving in together...

OOH yes love, he does believe every word he throws at you..that is the merry go round of the disease...it SUCKS( this is called the I.S.Ms, I, self and me attitude and self centreness of it)

keep reading all the posts and stickies up top...they help alot
~god bless

Shirt423

Thanks to all of you. I do attend Alanon, it has helped but unfortunately not enough. I will continue to go and I know it works if you work it.

This is still all new to me. I know the slogans and I completely understand that everything alanon teaches is completely true but it doesn't make it easy to practice. I know it takes time, I know my recovery is as important as his. I know these things and it does help but when I am facing the crisis I don't know what to do.

I just feel alone at that time, in that moment. He will never convince me that I really haven't been there for him or that I don't love him, I know that isn't true. But I still don't know the best way to react to him.

I am just lost.

suki44883

Shirt, you posted this on someone elses thread. It sure sounds like you know what you are talking about.

It is sad how the insanity that is alcoholism trickles over into the non alcoholics that are involved. We are not alone, eventually we will stop fighting so hard for relationships that can not be healthy until the A chooses a true path of recovery. It doesn't mean we don't love them.

No, it isn't easy, but you are right that it is very unhealthy until they choose a true path of recovery. Hang in there and take care of yourself.

Shirt423

Thanks again, and yes I do know I am insane. I am a mess!! And I do love him, sometimes I wish I didn't. It is during crisis time that I mess up, I don't know how to handle it. I can't put all of the good things I learn into action. Right now he is putting a guilt trip on me that I am not at his house. All he had to do was tell me politely that he wants me there instead of blaming me and saying I am never there when he needs me.

He can't do it. He can't ever admit when he is being hurtful. I have started all of my responses to his txt msgs with one word "Quack". He knows what I mean, he quacks all the time and I call him out on it. Quack Quack. At least something makes me smile. I really did think the quacking would stop when he stopped drinking. I guess it isn't true recovery after all.

Shirt423

Thanks, and sorry for what you are going through. I am starting to realize that what he is doing to me is verbal abuse. Blaming me for everything, not have any concern for my feelings, and really becoming hurtful - it is all too much. He asked me if I wanted things to be over and I said that while I want it to work it never will when he doesn't treat me with respect and is not working his program. He said "farewell then", I know he is looking for a reaction and I will take your adive and not give it to him.

I am feeling better right now then I did a few hours ago and I am thankful to this site and to everyone on here for that. Reading through the posts always brings me back to reality. I do not deserve this, I don't have to accpet it. I can't keep using the good times as an excuse to accept that hurt and pain he inflicts on me. That is progress.

Thanks

Babyblue

Yeah that is emotional manipulation. And it worked because it has you now questioning what it is you are doing and how to help him realize he is loved.

That isn't our job as those who care about them. In my case, when things are going great between us, he pulls away from me. On what planet does that make sense? Then I figured out the riddle: The better it gets, the bigger the need for them to sabotage.

Oh well!

If he can't see it then that is about his own issues. Turning it on you, however, is kind of emotionally abusive. Because it will backfire on him. One day you will get fed up of his immaturity and end it.

Sad for them and exhausting for us. Don't play the game.