Wife Still Doesn't Know
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Luton UK
Posts: 58
Wife Still Doesn't Know
I have been posting a lot lately. Sorry, it must get a bit boring for those who are keen to provide support those new to sobriety, seeing the same folk pop up time after time! However, the forum is a major prop for me at present.
Today is my Day 14.
My wife still does not know that I'm an alcoholic - she knows I 'over-do it' but doesn't yet appreciate that I'm in trouble, because I continue to hold down my job as a teacher, have no legal or serious financial problems, never missed any responsibilities due to hangovers, etc, etc ... And we still have a loving relationship after 25 years of marriage.
She sees the fact that I'm 'on the wagon at the moment' as a good thing, as this will "give your poor liver a rest for a while".
However, I know that this cannot be a temporary stage this time.
A new problem has loomed into view, though.
We're in the process of helping to plan our daughter's wedding. She left home several years ago, so she and her boyfriend are largely doing this themselves, but clearly we need to be involved and to help foot the bills! The wedding is in mid-October of this year, so I will have about 6 months sobriety under my belt by then.
Today my wife said to me: "we'll need to book a hotel room for the wedding evening, so that we can both enjoy a drink and neither of us has to drive".
I'm not sure how best to handle this.
So far I have sought to protect her from the Alcoholic label I have accepted.
As I've mentioned in other posts, I don't want her to constrain her lifestyle and enjoyment of the odd glass of wine just because of my problems. She is a very modest consumer of alcohol - well below the 14 units per week: more like 6 or 7.
I've thought of 'pretending' on the day of the wedding, by drinking things that look like alcoholic beverages. But I am a natural introvert and can be a bit insular at such large social occasions. I've no intention of drinking, but is it time to come clean to my dear wife?
Today is my Day 14.
My wife still does not know that I'm an alcoholic - she knows I 'over-do it' but doesn't yet appreciate that I'm in trouble, because I continue to hold down my job as a teacher, have no legal or serious financial problems, never missed any responsibilities due to hangovers, etc, etc ... And we still have a loving relationship after 25 years of marriage.
She sees the fact that I'm 'on the wagon at the moment' as a good thing, as this will "give your poor liver a rest for a while".
However, I know that this cannot be a temporary stage this time.
A new problem has loomed into view, though.
We're in the process of helping to plan our daughter's wedding. She left home several years ago, so she and her boyfriend are largely doing this themselves, but clearly we need to be involved and to help foot the bills! The wedding is in mid-October of this year, so I will have about 6 months sobriety under my belt by then.
Today my wife said to me: "we'll need to book a hotel room for the wedding evening, so that we can both enjoy a drink and neither of us has to drive".
I'm not sure how best to handle this.
So far I have sought to protect her from the Alcoholic label I have accepted.
As I've mentioned in other posts, I don't want her to constrain her lifestyle and enjoyment of the odd glass of wine just because of my problems. She is a very modest consumer of alcohol - well below the 14 units per week: more like 6 or 7.
I've thought of 'pretending' on the day of the wedding, by drinking things that look like alcoholic beverages. But I am a natural introvert and can be a bit insular at such large social occasions. I've no intention of drinking, but is it time to come clean to my dear wife?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 43
Hi - Our situations are slightly different, but still very similar.
I drank heavily, in secret, from my wife for a long time. It seems to me that your drinking is not "in secret", but the secret here is the fact that you know its a problem to you.
The day that my wife found out that I have a drinking problem is when my life changed by 10000%. Yes, that is not a typo, I mean 10000%.
If I would have known how much easier my battle with addiction would have been with my wife's support, I would have done it a long time ago.
I would encourage you to sit down with her and tell her that you are having a personal struggle with alcohol, and at some point in time you lost control of drinking within moderation.
Good luck
I drank heavily, in secret, from my wife for a long time. It seems to me that your drinking is not "in secret", but the secret here is the fact that you know its a problem to you.
The day that my wife found out that I have a drinking problem is when my life changed by 10000%. Yes, that is not a typo, I mean 10000%.
If I would have known how much easier my battle with addiction would have been with my wife's support, I would have done it a long time ago.
I would encourage you to sit down with her and tell her that you are having a personal struggle with alcohol, and at some point in time you lost control of drinking within moderation.
Good luck
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Up, Up and Away
Posts: 434
Hi ALAJ. Is there any reason not to tell your wife you quit other than the alcoholic label? If not, why not just tell her that you are giving up alcohol because you didn't like the way you reacted to it. Or something along those lines. You don't have to use the word alcoholic.
I have found that for social drinkers, drinking is not a big deal. I imagine that you drinking a soft drink or a fancy carbonated water after the wedding would be fine with your wife. The important part is sharing the happiness of your daughter's wedding, not the drinking.
All just my opinion, but I hope it helps.
I have found that for social drinkers, drinking is not a big deal. I imagine that you drinking a soft drink or a fancy carbonated water after the wedding would be fine with your wife. The important part is sharing the happiness of your daughter's wedding, not the drinking.
All just my opinion, but I hope it helps.
New to Real Life
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: I come in Peaces
Posts: 2,071
I just think you should be honest. Tell her you're not drinking anymore. Sounds like she's a normal drinker so she won't care. Better still, share with her the joy and strength you're finding in recovery. I'm sure she'd be chuffed 
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Roxboro, NC
Posts: 544
Congrats on your day 14!
On the day of the wedding tell your wife you don't want to over do it. Tell her you want to remember this special day and feel as good in the morning as you do right at that moment.
On the day of the wedding tell your wife you don't want to over do it. Tell her you want to remember this special day and feel as good in the morning as you do right at that moment.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Miami, FL
Posts: 1,701
I have been in a similar situation and have a suspicion that it is not the label "alcoholic" that keeps you from telling her. She already knows, even if you two have never said it or discussed it.
The fact that she knows you would not be able to abstain at the wedding--and that you are considering disguising your abstinence with with fake drinks, indicates that you both know that you are alcohol dependent, even if neither of you acknowledges it.
I suspect that the real issue is that if you acknowledge that you are a drunk trying to recover, then you would have to admit your failure to recover if you relapse. If you do not tell her you are an alcoholic, then you can have a binge any time without her seeing you as a failure.
The fact that she knows you would not be able to abstain at the wedding--and that you are considering disguising your abstinence with with fake drinks, indicates that you both know that you are alcohol dependent, even if neither of you acknowledges it.
I suspect that the real issue is that if you acknowledge that you are a drunk trying to recover, then you would have to admit your failure to recover if you relapse. If you do not tell her you are an alcoholic, then you can have a binge any time without her seeing you as a failure.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Yea, my wife of 25 years... I get it. It's probably one of the most challenging things... so many issues... wow...
You'll get there, you'll find balance and peace. Be honest and give her as much love and patience you give her... It will work out if you do that simple thing.
You'll get there, you'll find balance and peace. Be honest and give her as much love and patience you give her... It will work out if you do that simple thing.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Albany NY
Posts: 1,212
Originally Posted by miamifella 
I have been in a similar situation and have a suspicion that it is not the label "alcoholic" that keeps you from telling her. She already knows, even if you two have never said it or discussed it.
The fact that she knows you would not be able to abstain at the wedding--and that you are considering disguising your abstinence with with fake drinks, indicates that you both know that you are alcohol dependent, even if neither of you acknowledges it.
I suspect that the real issue is that if you acknowledge that you are a drunk trying to recover, then you would have to admit your failure to recover if you relapse. If you do not tell her you are an alcoholic, then you can have a binge any time without her seeing you as a failure.
The fact that she knows you would not be able to abstain at the wedding--and that you are considering disguising your abstinence with with fake drinks, indicates that you both know that you are alcohol dependent, even if neither of you acknowledges it.
I suspect that the real issue is that if you acknowledge that you are a drunk trying to recover, then you would have to admit your failure to recover if you relapse. If you do not tell her you are an alcoholic, then you can have a binge any time without her seeing you as a failure.
very insightful....an escape clause, if you will....making a reservation.....
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,476
I'm glad to see you back.
I went to both my children's weddings and drank sparkling water all evening and had the best time I've ever had. I don't think it should affect your wife, if you don't drink at the wedding. I'm sure you will both have a wonderful time.
And, I also think that you should tell your wife about your sobriety. She may not understand because it's very hard for others to 'get it', but honesty is the best thing.
I went to both my children's weddings and drank sparkling water all evening and had the best time I've ever had. I don't think it should affect your wife, if you don't drink at the wedding. I'm sure you will both have a wonderful time.
And, I also think that you should tell your wife about your sobriety. She may not understand because it's very hard for others to 'get it', but honesty is the best thing.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 200
My wife knew I had a problem and so I came clean to her that I quit for "good "in November of 2008. problem is, I am on day # 23 today so everything between the aforementioned date and three weeks ago was living a secret lie.
I don't feel the need to tell her about the last 2 1/2 years unless I relapse, then I promised myself. Otherwise I will tell her in after a few years of complete sobriety. No sense I hurting her or my family now. I'd rather suffer PAWS in silence.
I don't feel the need to tell her about the last 2 1/2 years unless I relapse, then I promised myself. Otherwise I will tell her in after a few years of complete sobriety. No sense I hurting her or my family now. I'd rather suffer PAWS in silence.
Servant of God
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Parts Unknown
Posts: 214
I haven't told my wife yet and today is around day 10 clean. I don't have a great relationship and I'm worried that it will be added stress in the home with kids involved. I want to tell her but kinda only if I get a positive response and it's not held against me. No guarantees there.
I wish you well in recovery and in your decision. Make sure the reason for not telling her isn't just you leaving yourself an avenue to get drunk again.
I wish you well in recovery and in your decision. Make sure the reason for not telling her isn't just you leaving yourself an avenue to get drunk again.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Luton UK
Posts: 58
Originally Posted by miamifella
I have been in a similar situation and have a suspicion that it is not the label "alcoholic" that keeps you from telling her. She already knows, even if you two have never said it or discussed it.
The fact that she knows you would not be able to abstain at the wedding--and that you are considering disguising your abstinence with with fake drinks, indicates that you both know that you are alcohol dependent, even if neither of you acknowledges it.
I suspect that the real issue is that if you acknowledge that you are a drunk trying to recover, then you would have to admit your failure to recover if you relapse. If you do not tell her you are an alcoholic, then you can have a binge any time without her seeing you as a failure.
The fact that she knows you would not be able to abstain at the wedding--and that you are considering disguising your abstinence with with fake drinks, indicates that you both know that you are alcohol dependent, even if neither of you acknowledges it.
I suspect that the real issue is that if you acknowledge that you are a drunk trying to recover, then you would have to admit your failure to recover if you relapse. If you do not tell her you are an alcoholic, then you can have a binge any time without her seeing you as a failure.
Firstly, I'm under no illusions that I have slipped into alcoholism. That's why I'm deadly serious about my decision not to drink alcohol again - ever.
Secondly, I'm not unduly fearful of 'failure' per se - we've all screwed up in some area of our lives somewhere along the line, and I'm no different from any other human being in that regard; moreover, my wife and I have lived a happy marriage so far by allowing each other to be human and to have human failings: we forgive one another unintended faux pas. However, on this matter (viz: total abstinence) I am as confident as anyone can be that this is a once-and-for-all decision. I'm under no illusions that this will be a tough journey, but I am utterly determined to succeed.
I've re-examined my motives, and they still relate to my not wishing to have her behave any differently out of her loyalty, love and support for me. Her ability to be self-sacrificing in our relationship is almost limitless - she is incredibly giving.
No, my desire is to allow her to continue to feel relaxed around me even if she wants to enjoy a glass of wine herself. And as a social creature, if she wants to attend social functions at which alcohol plays a 'natural' part, I would not wish her to go alone or to feel the need to 'protect me' from unnecessary temptation.
That said, by not sharing my newly accepted label, I'm not being totally honest with her, am I? On balance, though, I think that's going to remain my position for the time being.
Cheers.
ALAJ
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,870
Honesty is always, always the best policy. You are correct that not telling her is not being totally honest. You came here asking for our opinions and the overwhelming consensus is that you sit her down and be totally honest with her. You still plan on keeping this from her for, you say, her own well-being...so she won't feel the need to protect you, yada, yada, yada. I think you are selling your wife short by keeping this a secret from her, and doing so eliminates any accountability on your part. Please realize that you are in a forum full of alcoholics. We know all the tricks.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
There is honesty and there is brutal honesty...
It is completely honest to tell her that you have quit drinking and all... That you are concerned about your drinking, that you may have a problem... That may be all that you need to tell her when your weekend away arrives. That's honest. Let her have the space and dignity to begin her own journey of acceptance.
Perhaps you don't need to tell her that you know that you are alcoholic... right now. That might be brutal honesty at this point.
Besides, she may already know more than you think.
It is completely honest to tell her that you have quit drinking and all... That you are concerned about your drinking, that you may have a problem... That may be all that you need to tell her when your weekend away arrives. That's honest. Let her have the space and dignity to begin her own journey of acceptance.
Perhaps you don't need to tell her that you know that you are alcoholic... right now. That might be brutal honesty at this point.
Besides, she may already know more than you think.
April 18, 2010
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 1,117
Originally Posted by AllLiesAndJest
No, my desire is to allow her to continue to feel relaxed around me even if she wants to enjoy a glass of wine herself. And as a social creature, if she wants to attend social functions at which alcohol plays a 'natural' part, I would not wish her to go alone or to feel the need to 'protect me' from unnecessary temptation.
That said, by not sharing my newly accepted label, I'm not being totally honest with her, am I? On balance, though, I think that's going to remain my position for the time being.
Cheers.
ALAJ
That said, by not sharing my newly accepted label, I'm not being totally honest with her, am I? On balance, though, I think that's going to remain my position for the time being.
Cheers.
ALAJ
That said, I think it should be handled on a case by case instance and I think you are right to trust your gut. I would not use the "a" label with many, many people, and for the first several months I did not tell my family about my decision or that it was permanent, even though I was around them for several weeks. I had my reasons (mainly self-preservation), and in retrospect, I am sure it was the right thing to do.
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