AA member bothering me
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Trussville, Al.
Posts: 11
AA member bothering me
a male friend who has been a member of AA for 23 years has been telling me to go to alanon for years. i have only been to 2 ftf meetings and cherish alanon. the problem is that i am divorcing my ah of 19 years-finally! this man (the friend) is persuing me to no end. the meetings in our area are combo aa/alanon meetings held in seperate rooms,but the same time and place and he goes every time the doors are open. he waits on me before and after meetings, calls me at work and home frequently and even comes to my place of work. i have told him that i cannot get involved with another man for at least a year. i tell him he is my friend, but that is all and he is quickly ruining that by hounding me. he hugs me too tight, makes sexual comments all the time, and he is making me very uncomfortable. i tell him that i go to alanon for MY recovery from my AH, not to meet men. i tell him how important it is for me to go, but now i have quit going so that i don't run into him. how can i go to my meetings and not have to deal with this harrassment from him. i 've just freed myself from my AH. why would i want to get involved with a smothering recovering alcoholic!?! i don't have a sponsor yet, but could i get one of the women to help me out so that i can continue going to alanon? i have turned this over to my HP and know the answer will come, but your input would be so very welcomed! THANKS! Kat
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
It is my experience that when someone will not take no for an answer you just have to be more blunt. If he waits keep walking, or ask someone to walk out with you, if he wants to hug turn and hug someone else. If he calls remind him that you don't want this...don't linger on the phone. I don't know where you work but if you are not at the door whoever is could be told he is bothering you.
Do you know who his sponsor is? I doubt that it is politically correct but a conversation with him might do it.
You are being harassed and I would stop at nothing to get it to stop. I was in a similar situation a long time ago and when the guy started coming to my house I called the police. Done and over with.
Hugs,
JT
Whatever you have to do...it is obvious he has no interest in friendship
Do you know who his sponsor is? I doubt that it is politically correct but a conversation with him might do it.
You are being harassed and I would stop at nothing to get it to stop. I was in a similar situation a long time ago and when the guy started coming to my house I called the police. Done and over with.
Hugs,
JT
Whatever you have to do...it is obvious he has no interest in friendship
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Kat
What this man is doing is flat-out wrong. And I think the only way you can make it stop is to tell him that you are not interested and to leave you alone. If that doesn't work, speak to someone at the AA meeting he attends. This guy is stalking you. I'm not sure why he has your work and home phone numbers, but you should stop taking his phone calls in both places. What he is doing is against the law, and if all else fails, I would talk to the police.
Peace,
Gabe
Peace,
Gabe
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Trussville, Al.
Posts: 11
he has my numbers because he was a long term patient in our unit so he knows my work number. he got my home phone number from one of the girls in cardiac rehab. they didn't think that i would mind. and i didn't mind at first. i thought of him as a trusted friend showing me the way to alanon. i am giving him power over me. AAAARRRRRGGGGGG! codependency rears it's ugly head again! i am going to call him tonight and set bounderies with him again. if it continues, i will seek further assistance from my fellow alanoners. my recovery is all that is important to me right now. the steps seem to come easily to me right now. i know i will have weak days. i will pray to my HP to take over for now and show me the way! thanks everybody!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Utah
Posts: 330
Be obnoxiously blunt! Tell him where to go and how fast to get there. He has no business preying on you... and he needs to take his sick a** back to his rooms and work on his recovery it sounds like. I am so bothered for you! You want me to call him and tell him for you!!!! Just be a bi*ch and he will get the picture. He is out of line!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Dreaming Summer
Posts: 821
This person is not a friend.Friends are people who care about and respect how you feel.Next time he abuses the meeting space by making an unwelcome approach,turn and say loudly enough for other people to hear, that his behavior has to stop.Be blunt.He is out of line,and you may not be the only woman who has had her recovery put at risk.Do it for yourself and for others.
phoenix
phoenix
Member
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Boston
Posts: 710
Hi hopenpray,
Why not be honest and direct. Tell him that you are very very uncomfortable with his behavior, and that you do not want him approaching you, or hugging you at all, or making sexual remarks to you, and that you have made the decision to exclude him completely from your life....... and then follow through with your own behavior, with action. If he approaches after you are direct with him, say nothing, and just walk away. After being direct with him, there is no need to explain anything at all, or to talk with him further about anything. Actions speak much much louder than words.
Stick with the woman, and be up front with these woman what is happening, so that they know what is going on.
When someone has such a lack of respect for you and your feelings......... then its time to put it to him directly.
Love
Patsy
Why not be honest and direct. Tell him that you are very very uncomfortable with his behavior, and that you do not want him approaching you, or hugging you at all, or making sexual remarks to you, and that you have made the decision to exclude him completely from your life....... and then follow through with your own behavior, with action. If he approaches after you are direct with him, say nothing, and just walk away. After being direct with him, there is no need to explain anything at all, or to talk with him further about anything. Actions speak much much louder than words.
Stick with the woman, and be up front with these woman what is happening, so that they know what is going on.
When someone has such a lack of respect for you and your feelings......... then its time to put it to him directly.
Love
Patsy
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: El Paso, Tx
Posts: 5,862
Hi hopenpray!
His behavior is totally unacceptable and there is no reason you should further tolerate it. I hope the phone conversation works! You should not have to be stressed or fearful of going to your meetings because of him. Time to draw the line in the sand and go over a bridge if necessary to avoid him at all costs. He'll get the hint of the cold shoulder treatment once you remain firm in your requests.
His behavior is totally unacceptable and there is no reason you should further tolerate it. I hope the phone conversation works! You should not have to be stressed or fearful of going to your meetings because of him. Time to draw the line in the sand and go over a bridge if necessary to avoid him at all costs. He'll get the hint of the cold shoulder treatment once you remain firm in your requests.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Ayer's Cliff, Quebec
Posts: 803
Get an alanon sponsor, maybe you either ride with someone to meetings or have someone ride with you (woman) get call display and don't answer your phone and be very direct with him tell to f-off and after that continue to walk away if he approaces you. If he shows up at your house call the police don't even talk to him.
Ngaire
Ngaire
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Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Yorkshire UK
Posts: 103
Not much more to add, really, all the above advice is sound. This guy is NOT working any kind of recovery programe, despite his 23 years in!!! Happens far too often, unfortunately, and I wish I was near your meetings, 'cos I HAVE dealt with such ******** before, in front of a group conscience meeting!!
Suss out the strongest Alanon member in your group and tell him/her the whole story, and ask him/her for help. If he/she can't (or won't) help, speak to a strong AA member who knows him.
Last time I had to deal with this situation, it was a guy who was harrassing a young Alateen member, and in the middle of the meeting rom, I threw a £5 note in his face and yelled, "Here, you pervert, have the first drink on me, 'cos if you are preying on the Alateen kids, pal, YOU AIN'T SOBER!!!" He left the area shortly after, no idea if he stayed off the booze or not, and quite frankly, I don't give a damn!!
Some 'AA Members' do have hidden agendas, sadly, but it should NOT be covered up or condoned by the group, and YES, if needs be, call the cops. Never travel alone to meeting until this is sorted out, that way you will be safe when he follows you. Do not feel ny sympath for this guy, he is one VERY SICK COOKIE!!!
Suss out the strongest Alanon member in your group and tell him/her the whole story, and ask him/her for help. If he/she can't (or won't) help, speak to a strong AA member who knows him.
Last time I had to deal with this situation, it was a guy who was harrassing a young Alateen member, and in the middle of the meeting rom, I threw a £5 note in his face and yelled, "Here, you pervert, have the first drink on me, 'cos if you are preying on the Alateen kids, pal, YOU AIN'T SOBER!!!" He left the area shortly after, no idea if he stayed off the booze or not, and quite frankly, I don't give a damn!!
Some 'AA Members' do have hidden agendas, sadly, but it should NOT be covered up or condoned by the group, and YES, if needs be, call the cops. Never travel alone to meeting until this is sorted out, that way you will be safe when he follows you. Do not feel ny sympath for this guy, he is one VERY SICK COOKIE!!!
Gift Of Encouragement
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Brighton MI.
Posts: 68
What he is doing is Illeagle its called staulking and you can call the police however he is a sick man and needs to work on this I am a gsr at a meeting locally and have had to deal with this quite abit sorry gsr is general service representitive and when a ladie comes to us with this complaint I get a couple of the boys and set the man down and talk about the next step wich is the police and we keep a check on the progess from time to time normally he is so embarrassed that he was found out in this that he wont bother you again trust me its old behavior for both of you for not ending is on the spot he will take no for an answer what you can do with a direct reply of your wishes and the consiquences if he continues will harm him more than if I knock his teeth out.
And for him he knows how your going to react because he has had a life of this kind of relationships. end it on your next meeting all aa meetings have a gsr if not they need one. but there is always some old timers that will enjoy this very much
lol good luck see ya soon......... Steve
And for him he knows how your going to react because he has had a life of this kind of relationships. end it on your next meeting all aa meetings have a gsr if not they need one. but there is always some old timers that will enjoy this very much
lol good luck see ya soon......... Steve
Queen of one liners
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: walking beside you! Not in front of you.
Posts: 658
((((((((((hopenpray)))))))))))
Now you have a whole group of friends behind you on line....It's probably time you get the rest of your support group behanid you as well,,,,you are not alone....
I love AA but as with every group there are those who go to meetings and can't or wont hear the message or work the program....
Take care and be safe.
Now you have a whole group of friends behind you on line....It's probably time you get the rest of your support group behanid you as well,,,,you are not alone....
I love AA but as with every group there are those who go to meetings and can't or wont hear the message or work the program....
Take care and be safe.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: California
Posts: 233
Hi hopenpray, sorry for the discomfort this guy is causing you. I thought of a way to convey the message to him while preserving his anonymity. Since the two meetings are together, grab a girlfriend for support, go to the secretary of that AA meeting and ask if you can make a short announcement before the meeting starts. If he/she wants to know what it is then tell them briefly that you are being bothered by one member in the group and wish to say so to the group so that everyone knows.
Then say it just as you feel it. You can even look at him as you say it. He will get the message. Be sure to say that you want ALL contact to stop. No phone calls, no conversations after the meeting, no coffee, defineately no hugs, and no sexual inuendos. And then if he crosses those boundaries, call the cops.
I have seen this behavior before but I dont demonize the person because in the area of sex most of us are still babies. The big book even talks about this saying that we all have sexual problems, we would hardly be human if we didn't. So while I understand his behavior I don't condone it. You would think after 23 years he would have figured it out, apparantly not. So do him and yourself a favor, set your boundaries and keep them.
ps....You will probably get other men in the group coming up to you and offering to take care of the problem for you. Try to pick someone who has time and knows how to handle these situations.
Then say it just as you feel it. You can even look at him as you say it. He will get the message. Be sure to say that you want ALL contact to stop. No phone calls, no conversations after the meeting, no coffee, defineately no hugs, and no sexual inuendos. And then if he crosses those boundaries, call the cops.
I have seen this behavior before but I dont demonize the person because in the area of sex most of us are still babies. The big book even talks about this saying that we all have sexual problems, we would hardly be human if we didn't. So while I understand his behavior I don't condone it. You would think after 23 years he would have figured it out, apparantly not. So do him and yourself a favor, set your boundaries and keep them.
ps....You will probably get other men in the group coming up to you and offering to take care of the problem for you. Try to pick someone who has time and knows how to handle these situations.
Gift Of Encouragement
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Brighton MI.
Posts: 68
Ninerfan unfortunatly that method usually ends up in a lynch mob
Trust me when she makes that announcement all the men will know who he is and it says know where in the big book that his anonymity needs to be taken into consideration.
Every meeting has a GSR,a chairman and a secretary,and the GSR should be notified and this done in private the GSR is trained to offer the group consience without the ralley of troops we dont need gossip and testostrone thrown into the mix.
Thanks Steve
Trust me when she makes that announcement all the men will know who he is and it says know where in the big book that his anonymity needs to be taken into consideration.
Every meeting has a GSR,a chairman and a secretary,and the GSR should be notified and this done in private the GSR is trained to offer the group consience without the ralley of troops we dont need gossip and testostrone thrown into the mix.
Thanks Steve
Member
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: California
Posts: 233
I respcetfully disagree Steve. Making an announcement in front of the group puts every man in the group on notice, especially the offender, that predatory behavior is not condoned in AA. It might encourage some lively discussons about just what is appropriate behavior in and out of the meetings of AA. Also it might give someone the excuse he/she has been needing to speak to this topic. As far as a lynch mob, I just dont see that kind of thing happening. This guy needs a talking to either anonymously or not.
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Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Yorkshire UK
Posts: 103
Having dealt with this situation recently by bringing it up at Group Conscience, I agree with Ninerfan. The guy concerned had been warned privately on two occasions, but his predatory behaviour continued, and just as he had been warned would happen, he was named and shamed at GCM.
On girl died because of his behaviour, shewas only 40, and left two teenage kids, these sick people need to be outed.
On girl died because of his behaviour, shewas only 40, and left two teenage kids, these sick people need to be outed.
Gift Of Encouragement
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Brighton MI.
Posts: 68
avie you and I defenatly agree and group concience is always apposed to preditory behavior further more the police should be involved if thats the case.
I just want to explain that most cases are not preditory, one person is interested in the other and wrongly so I might add if he is working his program he would never persue a newbie. and now we are mincing cases you said a women is dead and what is the average person going to take from that statement? sure that he killed her... and that is not so or you would have said she was murdered. What I am getting at avie is that we agree more than we disagree and our method was more identical than not.
There is a way to do this so both parties continue there programs
if there is illeagal behavior the point is moot.He needs an escort.
Now if you would be so kind as to tell everyone how this women died so we know the truth. If I had to guess she quit going to meetings went back out and died, that is unfortunate and sad but that is the honest truth of this disease and it will happen to everyone here if we go back out. we have a disease that is 100% fatal. And we all know the program if we have been in recovery for a day dont drink or drug go to meetings. people use all kinds of excuses not to do the program and some times its the meat market issue. It does not have to be
I just want to explain that most cases are not preditory, one person is interested in the other and wrongly so I might add if he is working his program he would never persue a newbie. and now we are mincing cases you said a women is dead and what is the average person going to take from that statement? sure that he killed her... and that is not so or you would have said she was murdered. What I am getting at avie is that we agree more than we disagree and our method was more identical than not.
There is a way to do this so both parties continue there programs
if there is illeagal behavior the point is moot.He needs an escort.
Now if you would be so kind as to tell everyone how this women died so we know the truth. If I had to guess she quit going to meetings went back out and died, that is unfortunate and sad but that is the honest truth of this disease and it will happen to everyone here if we go back out. we have a disease that is 100% fatal. And we all know the program if we have been in recovery for a day dont drink or drug go to meetings. people use all kinds of excuses not to do the program and some times its the meat market issue. It does not have to be
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Ayer's Cliff, Quebec
Posts: 803
Steve,
Just a comment on the "meat market issue". That issue is a very real one for alot of women and it can make people stop going to meetings and it can also make people pick up again. The meat market issue isn;t always used as an excuse to not work a program it can be a scary reality.
Ngaire
Just a comment on the "meat market issue". That issue is a very real one for alot of women and it can make people stop going to meetings and it can also make people pick up again. The meat market issue isn;t always used as an excuse to not work a program it can be a scary reality.
Ngaire
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Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Yorkshire UK
Posts: 103
Steve the girl died because this guy took her out and spiked her drinks to get her into bed. She got back into the meetings, then caught him in bed with another newcomer within days of him doing it to her, she took an overdose, and died.
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