New to site - new to all this
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Cincinnati, Ohio
Posts: 1
New to site - new to all this
Hi, I'm new to this site and looking for support. My husband's daughter starting using again recently after being clean for a year. My husband is devastated and finds it hard to talk to me about everything. He wants to believe her when she says she's getting clean, he is trying to stay positive about the situation. I am getting a bad feeling about the things she tells him. I don't feel it is the truth. The latest is that her belongings were "stolen" from her car, including a brand new playpen we had purchased. I want to be supportive of my husband. We have agreed to not give her any more money, but I don't agree with buying cigarettes, sleep aid and Benedryl to "help" her get clean. He says they told him in rehab support group it was ok to buy these types of things to help them. I am totally new to all this. Any advice would be appreciated.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Burnsville, MN
Posts: 966
april,
Welcome to SR.
I am the mother of a 30 yr old recovering, addict son. A sure sign of relapse would be "stories" of things lost or stolen, unbelieveable mishaps that my son could make sound convincing, and need for sodas, immodium, gatorade, etc.
If the daughter has been clean for a year, she knows how to go about getting back there. I assume during that year she was taking care of herself? Why does Dad need to step in now and help out?
Have you or he ever tried NarAnon or AlAnon? Sounds like Dad has been to some sort of support group. I know sharing in my groups can really open my own eyes to how crazy the stuff coming out of the addicts mouth is.
Good Luck. Others will be along to offer their wise words of wisdom.
Welcome to SR.
I am the mother of a 30 yr old recovering, addict son. A sure sign of relapse would be "stories" of things lost or stolen, unbelieveable mishaps that my son could make sound convincing, and need for sodas, immodium, gatorade, etc.
If the daughter has been clean for a year, she knows how to go about getting back there. I assume during that year she was taking care of herself? Why does Dad need to step in now and help out?
Have you or he ever tried NarAnon or AlAnon? Sounds like Dad has been to some sort of support group. I know sharing in my groups can really open my own eyes to how crazy the stuff coming out of the addicts mouth is.
Good Luck. Others will be along to offer their wise words of wisdom.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Welcome, Alice, glad you joined us.
When my son was clean, he didn't "need" anything. He always found a way to take care of himself and his own needs.
When he was using it was an endless list, mostly things that pushed my anxiety button like tools so he could start a new job (as a renovator) or prescriptions, or money to pay his drug supplier so they wouldn't "hurt" him (it all went to buy more drugs regardless of the story). It was a long time before I found the courage to say "no". But once I did, he did just fine without my enabling. He either got clean or found another enabler, but I no longer had a front seat at the drama.
Meetings helped many of us here, Nar-anon, Al-anon and CoDA are three similar fellowships that helped us find our balance. It didn't matter which meeting because contrary to the name, meetings are not about their substance, they are about our codependency issues.
Again, I am glad you are here. Take a read around and you will find that you are among friends who understand because we've been where you are.
Hugs
When my son was clean, he didn't "need" anything. He always found a way to take care of himself and his own needs.
When he was using it was an endless list, mostly things that pushed my anxiety button like tools so he could start a new job (as a renovator) or prescriptions, or money to pay his drug supplier so they wouldn't "hurt" him (it all went to buy more drugs regardless of the story). It was a long time before I found the courage to say "no". But once I did, he did just fine without my enabling. He either got clean or found another enabler, but I no longer had a front seat at the drama.
Meetings helped many of us here, Nar-anon, Al-anon and CoDA are three similar fellowships that helped us find our balance. It didn't matter which meeting because contrary to the name, meetings are not about their substance, they are about our codependency issues.
Again, I am glad you are here. Take a read around and you will find that you are among friends who understand because we've been where you are.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 25
Hi April. I'm new here as well. If you haven't done so already, take a look through all the "stickies". They offer unbelievable insight and have been a huge help to me. Your situation takes on an entirely different dynamic in that you are a step parent. You can "see" through this girl's lies easier than your husband can. He's clouded by the parental love and that desperate need to believe she's okay and not lying. This, as I personally found out, can cause a lot of stress in the relationship.
I hope your H continues to be strong and doesn't enable her in any way.
I hope your H continues to be strong and doesn't enable her in any way.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Welcome to SR.....it is very difficult to be the stepparent to an addict. My husband should receive a gold medal for husband as he has watched what my son's addiction has done to all of us. He was always keenly aware of what was going on but I was blinded by my love for a very long time.
The one thing my husband learned is that he could no more get between me and my son than I could get between my son and drugs. Neither of those scenarios work out well for anyone involved.
Although my husband does not accompany me to my meetings, he is FULLY supportive of my going. One night he said "Have fun Sweetheart" to which I replied "It's not fun." and he said "Well, then heal and find serenity." What a good man he is!
I truly hope and pray that one day my son will find sobriety and embrace it. But I can't put my life on hold while he finds his way. Your husband's heart is hurting. He loves his daughter and wants to give her the support she needs to be sober and we don't always do a good job of knowing when we are being supportive and when we are overstepping that line and becoming enabling.
Perhaps offering to accompany him to an Alanon or Naranon meeting might help him get in the right direction? Just a thought.
You, your husband and his daughter will be in my prayers today.
gentle hugs
ke
The one thing my husband learned is that he could no more get between me and my son than I could get between my son and drugs. Neither of those scenarios work out well for anyone involved.
Although my husband does not accompany me to my meetings, he is FULLY supportive of my going. One night he said "Have fun Sweetheart" to which I replied "It's not fun." and he said "Well, then heal and find serenity." What a good man he is!
I truly hope and pray that one day my son will find sobriety and embrace it. But I can't put my life on hold while he finds his way. Your husband's heart is hurting. He loves his daughter and wants to give her the support she needs to be sober and we don't always do a good job of knowing when we are being supportive and when we are overstepping that line and becoming enabling.
Perhaps offering to accompany him to an Alanon or Naranon meeting might help him get in the right direction? Just a thought.
You, your husband and his daughter will be in my prayers today.
gentle hugs
ke
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